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watch The Dumpster - A Short Comedy

wheatgrinder said:
Im waiting for someone to post the "You can do anything" SNL skit from last week.

(can only find this crappy version to embed)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UM73_-y41yE


Gary, can you see the ironic humor in your comments about "mollycoddling" others and your own unearned confidence? Why do you think your know about writing? How much money have your earned? Where are your laurels, your awards, your scholarships? I'm not saying these things make great writers, but without them, the only proof of greatness is in your own mind.

Working at it for 10 years doesn't mean anything to me. Iv been playing guitar for close to 30 years and I still stink in any REAL comparison to pros, though I have been a paid performing musician for many years of my younger life.

Arguing that you have something that is 110% perfect in writing is insane. In ANY art, failure to communicate the desire emotion at the desired intensity, is the fault of the artist, not the viewer\reader. Instead of defending your greatness, you should be actively seeking greater understanding of your own failure.
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Geezuz ... they're coming out of the woodwork.

Remember "The Night of the Living Dead"?

Here's the sequel and it's twice as scary:

"The Night of the Nagging Indie Filmmakers."
 
My apologize, my comments are intended to help you reach greater understanding, and by doing so improve your work and your ability to offer useful contributions to this community.
 
Wow. You are like the gift that just keeps on giving. Again, thank you for keeping this alive so that people can continue to view my short. It's very kind of you.

By the way, did you ever look up those screenplays or screenwriters I mentioned? The ones who actually have talent and have been rewarded for their hard work.
 
Skreamings said:
Wow. You are like the gift that just keeps on giving. Again, thank you for keeping this alive so that people can continue to view my short. It's very kind of you.

By the way, did you ever look up those screenplays or screenwriters I mentioned? The ones who actually have talent and have been rewarded for their hard work.
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Let it go, dude.
 
I liked this short, didn't blow my mind, but it's pretty damn good. In terms of the script, it's easily, IMO in the top 2% of what I see posted anywhere on line. I think the writer has talent. The story has momentum, and that's one of the hardest things in writing. One thing leads to another, stakes increase, resolution. Now, that's where things broke down for me, the resolution in this short was flat IMO. The story crashed, but the other 2/3rds was excellent which to my mind is something very few people can do. Most can't even get 1/3.

To try and compare this to Kuberick or Chaplin is idiotic. Check that, not idiotic, trollish.
 
garylloyd said:
And you would have us believe the audience gets from that :

1. Sergio is a gigolo.

2. Paloma has hired him for a session?

How does the audience get this from your scene -- through telepathy?

Meanwhile, my scene simply tells them and moves on:

PALOMA (ON PHONE)
He’ll be here any minute now. His
name is Sergio. He charges $500 an
hour, but Tyra says he’s worth
every nickel of it. Oh, and here’s
the cute part: He doesn’t speak a
word of English -- hehehehe...
isn’t that fun?

---------------------------------------------------------------



Your scene is not an improvement; it's a complete fail. In your scene Sergio could be her drug pusher, landlord, auto mechanic. And the shot of her on the Glamor Magazine might not work at all if the photography isn't perfect. Moreover, it simply doesn't tell the key detals (friends with Tyra) my short paragraph tells.

Look, you're trying to make a case for dialog NOT containing establishing or background information and that's a foolish case to try and make. Background dialog is a staple of drama -- the only rule is that it be done concisely.

Your scene is silly. It doesn't add clarity -- it removes clarity. It takes the adage "show don't tell" and misuses it. There are times in drama where telling is the best way to transmit key information.

Your scene also cuts the glimpse of Paloma's character we get from her opening dialog.

You eschew opening dialog for no other reason than you know how to type.

But let's move on...

What else would you cut or rearrange?
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Nah, it communicates everything except that the guy is a hooker which could be *shown* later or she could touch his abs, any number of ways. You're not writing films gary, you're writing radio. I think I know what I'm talking about, I was a story editor for Bernie Lawson for seven years. I'm sure you've heard of him.
 
This year (2011 was my first full year in this hobby by the way) I will be reporting an additional $13K in income on my 2011 taxes for my creative efforts. Sorry, I didn't catch how much you have earned exercising your writing skills?

I shall enjoy these golden eggs, my little pa'dwan learner.
 
Sorry, guys -- I'm with Gary, the Lord. Skreamings, sure I found your video to have very nice production values -- it looks nice, sounds good, and is edited very well. Also, it did make me laugh. But c'mon! I mean, seriously, it's like, I mean... come on!

Thankfully, Gary the Lord is here to set us straight.

garylloyd said:
She goes to the door, opens it, and standing there is Sergio, a man who looks like a gigalo. The expression on his face tells us he IS a gigalo while the expression on her face tell us he's a gigalo she's hired at $500 an hour.

----------------------------------------------------------------

Ridiculous, right?

Seriously, Gonzo, show us how you'd convey all that information just by how he looks and she looks at him.
Write it out here, I'd love to see how you pull it off.

And it's not just you. I challenge anyone to write that part of the scene better than I did while transmitting all the information I did in one short paragraph.
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I can't let Dready take all the glory. I must give this the old college try! Gary, I'd appreciate a critique from you. I'm a total rookie at this, and any words of wisdom from you would surely help me improve.



KNOCK KNOCK! Paloma, a sexy Latina 40-something with a tight pooper, opens her front door. There she finds Sergio, a young 20-something dude who is obviously pretending not to be gay, damp from the light drizzle he's standing in.

Sergio cracks a devilish grin, points to Palerma, points to himself, then violently thrusts his pelvis, forward and back. Palomina looks away in embarrassment.

Serchicha gently grabs her chin, directing her gaze on him, before using one hand to make a circle, between his thumb and index finger. With his other hand, Sergiano pokes his index finger through the circle in his other hand, all while suggestively raising his eyebrows.

Pietra finally lets herself go, and gives Search the double-thumbs-up, with a shit-eating grin. She pulls a hundred-dollar bill out of her pocket, and presents it to him, but he makes an exaggerated frowny-face, and then holds up a full-hand of five fingers, nodding, with a big smile.


Now, I know I'm just a novice, but I think that's pretty good. All of the information is conveyed, and not one line of dialogue!
 
brianluce said:
I liked this short, didn't blow my mind, but it's pretty damn good. In terms of the script, it's easily, IMO in the top 2% of what I see posted anywhere on line. I think the writer has talent. The story has momentum, and that's one of the hardest things in writing. One thing leads to another, stakes increase, resolution. Now, that's where things broke down for me, the resolution in this short was flat IMO. The story crashed, but the other 2/3rds was excellent which to my mind is something very few people can do. Most can't even get 1/3.

To try and compare this to Kuberick or Chaplin is idiotic. Check that, not idiotic, trollish.
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What are you talking about when you say, "the writer has talent"?

There was no writing -- that's the whole point.

You want writing, check our Suburban Romance, but don't tell us the writing was good in "The Dumpster" because there wasn't any.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, this Indie Festival group masturbation crap has got to stop. It's not useful . Everybody who submits a work is the next genius world-beater. Well, that's bullshit.
 
Cracker Funk said:
Sorry, guys -- I'm with Gary, the Lord. Skreamings, sure I found your video to have very nice production values -- it looks nice, sounds good, and is edited very well. Also, it did make me laugh. But c'mon! I mean, seriously, it's like, I mean... come on!

Thankfully, Gary the Lord is here to set us straight.



I can't let Dready take all the glory. I must give this the old college try! Gary, I'd appreciate a critique from you. I'm a total rookie at this, and any words of wisdom from you would surely help me improve.



KNOCK KNOCK! Paloma, a sexy Latina 40-something with a tight pooper, opens her front door. There she finds Sergio, a young 20-something dude who is obviously pretending not to be gay, damp from the light drizzle he's standing in.

Sergio cracks a devilish grin, points to Palerma, points to himself, then violently thrusts his pelvis, forward and back. Palomina looks away in embarrassment.

Serchicha gently grabs her chin, directing her gaze on him, before using one hand to make a circle, between his thumb and index finger. With his other hand, Sergiano pokes his index finger through the circle in his other hand, all while suggestively raising his eyebrows.

Pietra finally lets herself go, and gives Search the double-thumbs-up, with a shit-eating grin. She pulls a hundred-dollar bill out of her pocket, and presents it to him, but he makes an exaggerated frowny-face, and then holds up a full-hand of five fingers, nodding, with a big smile.


Now, I know I'm just a novice, but I think that's pretty good. All of the information is conveyed, and not one line of dialogue!
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I don't know about that, but I'd love to see some dialog from you.

I think it would be pretty funny.
 
brianluce said:
Nah, it communicates everything except that the guy is a hooker which could be *shown* later or she could touch his abs, any number of ways. You're not writing films gary, you're writing radio. I think I know what I'm talking about, I was a story editor for Bernie Lawson for seven years. I'm sure you've heard of him.
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Don't give me that "You're writing radio" crap.

And you base that on what? A single opening paragraph?

I explained 10 times already that opening paragraph was used to provide key background information in the quickest way possible. After that, the play goes on a roller coaster ride of action and one-liners that doesn't stop until the end.

You're walking into this conversation without even have read the work. You're picking up on the part that these people got ass-backwards.

Background dialog is a very effective tool in drama -- you're saying action that transmits the same thing is better and that's true, but how do you transmit all the key things my opening telephone conversation does?

Show me.

Dreadylooks tried it and fell flat on her face.

Let's see you and Bernie Lawson pull it off.
 
wheatgrinder said:
This year (2011 was my first full year in this hobby by the way) I will be reporting an additional $13K in income on my 2011 taxes for my creative efforts. Sorry, I didn't catch how much you have earned exercising your writing skills?

I shall enjoy these golden eggs, my little pa'dwan learner.
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Geezuz ...

He's not doing stickola either.

He's serious.
 
garylloyd said:
Don't give me that "You're writing radio" crap.

And you base that on what? A single opening paragraph?

I explained 10 times already that opening paragraph was used to provide key background information in the quickest way possible. After that, the play goes on a roller coaster ride of action and one-liners that doesn't stop until the end.

You're walking into this conversation without even have read the work. You're picking up on the part that these people got ass-backwards.

Background dialog is a very effective tool in drama -- you're saying action that transmits the same thing is better and that's true, but how do you transmit all the key things my opening telephone conversation does?

Show me.

Dreadylooks tried it and fell flat on her face.

Let's see you and Bernie Lawson pull it off.
Click to expand...

Honestly, it's not that big a deal, it feels like a City College debate. If everything else works then IMO, the way you have it would be fine, but I think Dready's is better and more visual. Have to admit, you come of as a bit of a slave to the rules that don't really exist except in the minds of gurus and low level studio readers.
 
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garylloyd said:
What are you talking about when you say, "the writer has talent"?

There was no writing -- that's the whole point.

You want writing, check our Suburban Romance, but don't tell us the writing was good in "The Dumpster" because there wasn't any.

I've said it before and I'll say it again, this Indie Festival group masturbation crap has got to stop. It's not useful . Everybody who submits a work is the next genius world-beater. Well, that's bullshit.
Click to expand...

What's Suburban Romance? Something you wrote? You're hold up your script as the Gold standard?

Who here has been declared the "Next Genius/world beater" Got a link? And who is masturbating?

Gary, you're Skreamings aren't you? Big ruse eh Gary? Come on Gary, admit it. You're Skreamings right Gary? Come on Gary! What a joker!
 
brianluce said:
Honestly, it's not that big a deal, it feels like a City College debate. If everything else works then IMO, the way you have it would be fine, but I think Dready's is better and more visual. Have to admit, you come of as a bit of a slave to the rules that don't really exist except in the minds of gurus and low level studio readers.
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It is a big deal because when you play games like that it confuses young filmmakers.

And this business of using the first paragraph in a screenplay to characterize the whole screenplay is a game played all the time. Usually it's proceeded by "I sat down to read you script, but your first paragraph was so bad I didn't read further."

These meatheads have been playing that game in forums since Al Gore invented the internet.

It's a debate tactic not a legitimate point about technique -- most especially when it becomes painfully clear that the people saying it are unaware of what the technique is.

They understand one technique -- " show don't tell" -- and ignorantly think it applies to everything. Then when you show them how it's ineffective in the instance being discussed, they break off and have their pals jump in to repeat the mantra as if the more people they enlist to repeat their ignorance, the more right it is.

Well, that is a big deal. These forums exist to promote education, not ignorance.
 
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