Workinf on one sentence description of film- Feedback, please

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danielsemel

'A comedy about two friends struggling with failure, and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.'


Judging from the above sentence, what do you think the project is about and is it something you'd be interested in watching.


thanks!
 
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'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'
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You're problem isn't your logline -- your feature has no plot.

It's not possible to write a powerful logline for a film that has no story and in which nothing happens.
 
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True, dreaming of adventures and having adventures are two different things.

Would you go to a movie if all you saw were 3 guys sitting on a couch, smoking pot, talking about adventures, for 2 hours!? It SCREAMS boring.

what is the film about? What are the three main things which happen in this story?
 
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A film can't be all things to all people I guess. You guys should remember you're bashing a film you haven't seen, and there are lots of movies where "stuff happens" and it can still be pretty boring.

Here's an example. I took it off the dvd box.
Logline from American Graffiti - 'The coming of age of four teenagers on their last summer night before college."

See how simple it is? Not every film is some "writing by numbers" thriller. Different strokes for different folks.
 
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I think they are merely going by the loglines and descriptions you've been providing. These so far haven't touched on plot, just circumstance. Coming of age is an action, moving from immaturity to maturity. Clive and Cootdog are looking for what the movie is about.

A logline will be people's first impression of your movie. If they don't find a compelling reason to watch your film, you won't get your money/exposure/criticism, whatever you are looking to get from this film. What they are searching for from you is other than the fact they are talking, what journey do your characters go through. What changes are made within them this night.

Why do I want to see your movie...motivate me to watch it, to want to watch it. What is different about these friends talking while under the influence? What major revelations do they come to this particular night?

The critiques so far are legitimate, they don't need to see the movie yet and have obviously formed opinions of it based on the loglines presented. Present them one that will change their mind. What would compel these two critiques to give your movie a try after already having seen Clerks (which is primarily 2 people talking for a whole movie)?
 
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daniel,

Remember, no one is bashing you here. They are truly trying to help. You want help with a logline that will inspire people toward your film. There are few people better to look to here than Clive. He may sound a bit tough to you, but it's tough love. Keep at it and good luck. :)
 
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I agree, Clive is the Guru. I'm not trying to bash you at all. I'm simply stating that from the logline, I wouldn't want to see it. If there's a journey, tell about it. What is so special about that one night? Does pot have to be mentioned? What is your targeted audience?

Here are some pot movie splashes:

"Two twenty-something stoner roommates -- one a Korean American investment banker; the other an Indian American medical school candidate -- go through a life changing journey, as they spend a night roaming the state of New Jersey in search of White Castle hamburgers."

"It's the last day of school at a high school in a small town in Texas in 1976. The upperclassmen are hazing the incoming freshmen, and everyone is trying to get stoned, drunk, or laid, even the football players that signed a pledge not to."

"Warning: this movie may cause the munchies, cotton mouth, and memory loss!"

"A comedy that goes to your head."

"Millionaires today. Fugitives tomorrow. Buds forever!"

"After a night they can't remember, comes a day they'll never forget."

"A Comedy about the moments that touch us in ways we've never been touched before."
 
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No one's bashing your film, because like you say we haven't seen it.

What's being said is, based on the information you've given us, is our impression of the film, is it seems uninteresting and tedious.

This is important feedback, because producer's reps, distributors and ulitimately the audience will make judgements just like this -- but with them you don't the chance to come back with a better answer.

When I say the logline needs to describe what happens, you'd be wrong in assuming that I mean a car chash or a gun fight.

What I mean is... What is the character's journey?

If there is no journey, if the film is exactly as you've described it -- then you'll need to work out what the hook is.

The bottom line is you have to give the audience a reason to want to watch the film

As you can see "Three guys get stoned and talk about stuff" isn't going to cut it.

Unless those three guys are Jack Nicholson, Bob DeNiro and Dennis Hopper.

Oh, and the idea that structure = formula and can only be used to turn out thrillers is just plain wrong. Every great film has structure -- and I'm talking about films where nothing much "happens."

So for instance my favorite film is Stalker by Tarkovsky -- which is a three hour Russian film about three men who break into a "forbidden zone" to find an object that is supposed to grant one's hearts desire.

Now, they never get there -- none of the supposed dangers ever manifest -- and they spend the entire three hours talking about art, philosophy and religion.

But, my point is the film could have been described as "Three men wander through grass talking about philosophy, art and religion for three hours."

But actually the characters had an objective -- to find the object -- and they undertook a journey.

I hope this helps.
 
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Daniel: I still think you should consider reposting the log you had in the "Back to the Drawing board post". I thought that was a good second draft of your log line and demonstrated your characters' motivations. If you've lost track of it, I do still have the email notification with that line in it, I'll be happy to repost it for you.
 
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That's very nice. Actually I've lost that earlier synopsis as I only typed it here and didn't think it was very good.

Here's a new rough "rough draft", trying to put some new ideas in the mix.

'An aimless college graduate, being pressured to join the family business, spends his last day in town with two high school friends as he waits for a phone call from a comic book company he hopes will hire him and put him on the path to his creative goals. They spend the day getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape as they come to terms with growing up.'


Didn't mean to sound too defensive earlier, I can take criticism. Go ahead, rip me apart. That's why I'm here, is to get to the truth. I don't really like the last part 'come to terms with growing up,' that's what they are doing in the film but I'm trying to find a less ham handed way of saying it. Also, part of the premise is that if he doesn't get this job he's waiting for, then he will have no choice but to move to another state to work for his family.
 
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I've PM'd you the old one, I think the old one is more concise than this. It gives enough to pique the curiosity, but spends less words doing so. The folks you will be ryiing to sell this to read alot every day, every word counts. If you make their job easier, you have a better chance. These points can be commented on by the rest of the folks here.

Perhaps along the lines of:

freddy jones, an aimless graduate spends his last day in town with his friends before he either follows his dreams or ends up in the family business, which he dreads.

is he seeking something on this last night? approval, impetus, comfort?
 
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Ah, I see what's going on now ... so if I've got this right the film is roughly this.

A guy, fresh from college, spends his last day before having to take a mind numbiing job in a furniture factory, waiting for a phone call from a comic book company to offer him the job he really wants... to kill time he spends the day getting stoned with his high school friends and finds himself caught between his dreams and the reality of growing up to be just another guy working for the man.


That's not the logline, but is that roughly what the film is about?

If it is I think the logline needs to be about the conflict between reality and fantasy -- I'll think about it.

Maybe something like

Genre - Comic "coming of age"

"All Ben's ever wanted is to be a comic book artist and today's the day he'll hear if he got the big break, unfortuantely, it's also his last day of freedom before he's forced to start work in his Father's furniture factory. Caught between his life long dream and a mundane reality Ben spends this last day getting stoned with this his high school buddies who are also torn between thier fantasies of escape and the reality of growing up."
 
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Logline...

danielsemel said:
That's very nice. Actually I've lost that earlier synopsis as I only typed it here and didn't think it was very good.

Here's a new rough "rough draft", trying to put some new ideas in the mix.

'An aimless college graduate, being pressured to join the family business, spends his last day in town with two high school friends as he waits for a phone call from a comic book company he hopes will hire him and put him on the path to his creative goals. They spend the day getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape as they come to terms with growing up.'


Didn't mean to sound too defensive earlier, I can take criticism. Go ahead, rip me apart. That's why I'm here, is to get to the truth. I don't really like the last part 'come to terms with growing up,' that's what they are doing in the film but I'm trying to find a less ham handed way of saying it. Also, part of the premise is that if he doesn't get this job he's waiting for, then he will have no choice but to move to another state to work for his family.
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One thing is for sure... The logline is a lot better than the one you first posted but you're not telling us WHAT HAPPENS.
Apparently, the goal is for the aimless college graduate to get this job with the comic book company. Cool. Does he get it? You don't say... Does he NOT get it? You don't say. From what I am reading, it looks as though YOU DO NOT TELL US whether or not the aimless college graduate gets the job. That intimates to me that his character arc might be the following...

As he spends this time with his friends he realizes that his life does NOT rest on whether or not he gets this job. If he does realize this then that's your story... He's waiting and waiting and stressing out on this friggin' job but as he spends more time with his friends, he realizes that the job is really not that important after all... That friends are much more important.

Only problem here is that I am totally guessing from what you've written... Maybe he does care. Maybe he's neurotic. LOL.

Even if he has to move to another state and work for his family, maybe by the end of the movie, that's also not a big deal because in this short time with his friends, he's realized that life isn't about what job you end up doing.

Again, stabbing in the dark here...

Here's what I'm coming up with...

"When an aimless college graduate desperately waits for a phone call about a job, he runs into two old high school buddies and through spending the day with them, he learns that his life won't be over if he doesn't get the job after all."

That's just off the top of my head based on what you have here... What I think is missing is what this aimless college graduate DISCOVERS after he learns his life isn't over if he doesn't get the job... Meaning, I just don't know enough about the story to really help out more with the logline...

Feel free to tell what the college grad learns from spending the day with the two buddies... Does he learn anything? What happens at the end?

filmy
 
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Filmy's right -- that's the element I was looking for

So it would be

"All Ben's ever wanted is to be a comic book artist and today's the day he'll hear if he got the big break, unfortuantely, it's also his last day of freedom before he's forced to start work in his Father's furniture factory. Caught between his life long dream and a mundane reality Ben spends this last day getting stoned with this his high school buddies who are also torn between thier fantasies of escape and the reality of growing up... and discovers having friends is more important than success. .... or ?

Actually I can cut this down

Caught between his life long dream of being a comic book artist and the mundane reality of working in his father's furniture factory, Ben spends his last day of freedom getting stoned with this his high school buddies, who are also torn between thier fantasies of escape and the reality of growing up... and discovers in the course of one hectic summer day that friends are more important than success. .... or ?
 
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There's not much more for me to add to what the Guru's have already said. However, your scentence quite long, too long, way too long. One scentence going past three lines is too long.
 
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shorter:

Caught between his life long dream of being a comic book artist and the mundane reality of working in his father's furniture factory, Ben discovers in the course of one hectic summer day that friends are more important than success.
 
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Well, I'm trying to get this down to one concise sentence, and the film is not about finding out friends are more important than success which sounds kind of trite. Also, in response to Filmjumper, yeah I don't tell you what happens because it's just a one sentence description of the film. I'm not trying to explain all three acts.


Here's the logline that got deleted a while back.

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape, coming to terms with letting go of childhood dreams.'
 
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Another version.

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. Trying to cope with the harsh realities of the adult world they while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'
 
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