Critique Requested on Short Script

[Adeimantus]

If anyone has the time or inclination, I'd be very grateful for any feedback on a short I've just written.

Title: Mantodea
Genre: Horror
Pages: 9

Prescribed limitations:

1. NO budget
2. Around 10 minutes.
3. No more than two characters.
4. Takes place in a cabin in the woods (or nearby).
5. No dialogue (or VERY little -- VO ok)

edit: link to script removed

 

[ussinners]

Yanks on right now. I'll read it tonight.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Maybe take your spoiler away so it doesn’t precondition the next reader.
(It was hard to read knowing the outcome. Which I feel you point to too much with “I think you climb under your covers..”)

A dinner scene after (we) he has his suspicions in place would add something to it, as would some twist. Also what she takes from the wall: He might SEE it missing, panic, get outside, then find it out there and stop. (wonder if his imagination has run wild.) THEN something else we have seen along is used.


-Thanks

 

[ussinners]

If you made it about 25 pages, it could be like a Masters of Horror episode. It's good, but needs more juice.

Here's what I didn't particularly care for, and why.

Shawna opening monologue about the ant hill. Why? It just didn't seem like it would come from a true bug scientist (fancy term). It seemed too simplistic. But, that's just my take. Maybe they would really say something like that.

Shawna's VO about getting Jason there. Hiked, no one knows, no cell... Why? All bad exposition. If she's clever enough to get him there, she can come up with an excuse of him leaving, getting lost...

I understand why you have the ax, saw and knife on the wall. But, for what practical reason are they there? Hunters hang guns and heads on the wall. This is an insect woman (another fancy term), it's just weird. You don't use an ax, saw or knife to get bugs.

It's written beautifully. But, for the most part, things like the car she drives, the clothes she's wearing don't need to be written. That's the costumer and director's job. You just give them that blueprint.

 

[Cracker Funk]

I like it. Great use of visuals. I'm wondering -- what's up with the prescribed limitations? Why?

I think the narration at the beginning, particularly about bringing in a new "subject", is a bit heavy-handed. Tells the audience a little too much. Would be more fun to see our victim discover the host's sinister ways on his own. Maybe he finds some clue early on.

A dinner scene after (we) he has his suspicions in place would add something to it, as would some twist. Also what she takes from the wall: He might SEE it missing, panic, get outside, then find it out there and stop. (wonder if his imagination has run wild.) THEN something else we have seen along is used.

I like that idea. As written, it could use a little more tension in between the moment when our guy realizes what's up, and when the axe drops.

What's this for? It's nice work.

 

[Adeimantus]

Buddy, ussinners, Crackerfunk:

Thanks a bunch for taking a look.

This was written for someone here who has some technical limitations, but they were fluid. The 10 minutes was my own attempt to stay within an arbitrary time-frame and still try to tell a competent story. It's a completely different story than they asked for, btw. Surprise!

Buddy: I like your idea a lot. Something along that line will be incorporated in the rewrite. Many thanks!

ussinners: The opening "Field Notes" V. O. served a couple purposes: it establishes who, what and where. It's also an oblique self-reference and irony. She talks about the ants but, in reality, it's HER who hides her "warm breath" (i.e., her rather interesting sexual habits) and moves unnoticed among human beings (the ants):

The ants are highly
sensitive to the heat from my
breath, so I had to hold it as I
observed them to avoid disturbing
their normal patterns. (a pause)
It’s strange how we can move among
them without them noticing our
presence, hidden in plain sight.

You're right regarding her comments about how she got him there. Exposition. OTOH, I needed some way to establish that she can get away with it: there will be no-one looking for him. There will be more victims. I'll try to think of a way to get it in without being so heavy-handed.

Agreed on the "blueprint," I did include a bit much description, but I'd argue that a good script requires SOME descriptive phrases so that an image can be painted in the reader's eye (but minimal, true). Appreciate your help; it was useful!

Crackerfunk: Good points and very helpful, bro. (btw, haven't fallen off the earth inre your project: just dealin' with personal shit, yadda yadda).

best,

-Charles

on edit: What would you guys think of hinting more at the hook rather than showing: i.e., not actually showing the meat frying, etc. Is it too much "in your face?" The subject matter can be a bit controversial.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

On your exposition:

I might:

Cut the whole “My cover story…” part of that line.

Cut the whole “ He’s hiked here..” part.

Move “He’s aggressive..” up (back) to right after her hand on his shoulder and right before he holds opens the door, so it’s kind of a cause and effect between the visual and the V.O.

Cut “There’s nothing left but the…”

Create The dinner conversation so that they are discussing two things at once: 1. Her research (Back Story) where he in return is prompted to mention what you need him to about (Back Story) hiking or whatever AND 2. The food YET both are really talking about neither, because beneath the surface it’s really about communicating their mounting physical attraction.

End in a button line and cut to the sex scene.


-Thanks-

 

[Cracker Funk]

What would you guys think of hinting more at the hook rather than showing: i.e., not actually showing the meat frying, etc. Is it too much "in your face?" The subject matter can be a bit controversial.

I think the "medium-rare" narration is a bit too much in-your-face, but a brief montage would just be closure.

MONTAGE:

Mantis-Lady butchers meat.

Mantis-Lady packs meat in a freezer.

Mantis-Lady sizzles diced meat on a stove.

Mantis-Lady eats meat.

That entire montage would take all of ten seconds, and would tie the whole thing up, IMO. And, if timed right, by the director, could be hi-lar-ious!

BTW -- regarding "Antihero", I've kinda been stuck just mulling it over the last week or so. I just sent you a long-ass email. I won't even be able to read any response you send me until Monday, so no hurries.

Cheers!

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

lol Hell yeah. I like her packing the freezer.


-Thanks-

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

The freezer did make me laugh and I like the intercut with a mantis (which is even funny to type lol), but just as an alternate consideration, how about a similar idea to Cracker’s, but we don’t actually see the meat?


SERIES OF QUICK CUTS:

Butcher knife swings down -THUNK!-
The stove lights -WHOOMP!-
Butter hits skillet -SIZZEL!-
Wine bottle touches glass -CLINK!-

CUT TO: (Fade In and Out or whatever)

Foreground- A praying mantis crawls around in a fish tank.
Background (through glass) - Shawna eats at the table.

We get the closing V.O.


-Thanks-

 

[VPTurner]

Page 3: "The table has been set..." is past tense.

But that aside, interesting concept. I was actually thinking about a black widow spider who mates then kills, but the mantis also works. Except it was painfully predictable. No shock, no surprise; the revelation came across as simple exposition.

Perhaps set the tone by changing up the sequence. For instance, open with the bloody tools in the metal tub. Have her enjoy a nice, meaty meal. Audience really wouldn't know what she's eating and the significance of it. Then move to field research and the arrival of her "victim". And then let the audience put two and two together when she whacks him in the gut with the axe. Close on the images of the mantis.

 

[Adeimantus]

Great ideas, guys! It is, currently, straight presentation of the concept (no real twists or turns).

Thanks to all of your input, I think I see my way to expand this into a snappy little low-budget feature. Open with the current scene (revised, of course), then move on to a second victim who, it turns out, was a friend of Jason's, suspects what happened, and thinks he can outwit her...

Of course then I'd have to explain to the person I've written this for that she's going to have to do her first feature. I'll pitch it like this: "A 90 minute feature is only 9 times longer than the short. 9 times the current budget (zero $) is STILL only zero $!"

Love the freezer! Would a refrigerator/freezer accommodate a processed human carcass, though? And would a cabin likely have a deep-freezer? I suppose I could have her selling the excess under the table to the local tavern for hamburger?

VP, I intended it to be past-tense. If I were to say "The table is set..." I felt it would imply simultaneous action, i.e., someone is in the process of setting the table. I wanted it understood that it had been set in the past, before the scene opens. I suppose if I wanted to imply current action, I would say "The table is being set..." and, normally, that would be the case. But in the present-tense of the script format, it's too confusing to assume it would be understood, imo.

You guys are the best!

muchos gracias, amigos

-C

 

[ussinners]

i.e., not actually showing the meat frying, etc. Is it too much "in your face?" The subject matter can be a bit controversial.

I have a script I've been writing called "The Strength of Others" about a woman who is afraid to leave the house. She gains strength by killing and eating her victims. But, then she starts taking on the characteristics of the people she's eating. One of her victims is a 12-year-old black boy. Not only will we see her kill him, but also cut him up and fry him up. So, I don't think it's over the top or controversial.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Here are some of the other little things to consider:

We Hear BREATH and FOOT STEPS
BIRDS CHIP
As if in prayer
Hanging from it
Holding two plates of food

He’s groggy and spacey
…and smiles almost wickedly
He’s handsome and knows it, vain, but smart and cocky
Something strikes him
He finds what he wants
It opens and it’s Shawna


-Thanks-

 

[VPTurner]

...

VP, I intended it to be past-tense. If I were to say "The table is set..." I felt it would imply simultaneous action, i.e., someone is in the process of setting the table. I wanted it understood that it had been set in the past, before the scene opens. I suppose if I wanted to imply current action, I would say "The table is being set..." and, normally, that would be the case. But in the present-tense of the script format, it's too confusing to assume it would be understood, imo.

Then say, "The table is already set."

Point was that scripts are supposed to be told in present tense, active voice. This was more for the peanut gallery and a reminder to those without as much experience as you. Hardly worth noting, but this just serves to beat it into my own head to find ways to avoid it.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

Some will say nothing “is”. Same as “are”.

-Thanks-

 

[chongo]

I enjoyed this... but a few things that may have already been mentioned:

If Jason has a post-doc in entomology, I don't see why he'd have to run to a book to read about praying mantises. It's pretty common knowledge that mantis females can devour the males after sex, so the whole scene seems something like a convenience for the less astute viewers.

On that same line, I think you might've made it a bit too obvious what was going on the moment after Jason opens the book, what with all the flashbacks. I like subtlety, and I like to figure things out on my own. Simply revealing the picture of the mantis beneath the cloth would probably have been enough of a clue to figure out what was about to happen or, at the very least, to give us an "oh yeah, I get it now" moment when the credits start rolling. Keep us guessing.

As someone said earlier, I don't think the monologue about ants in the beginning really fit. Shawna seems interested in the mating rituals of insects I'd imagine, and I think if she were to be observing to bugs banging it might make bit more sense in regards to narrative.

 

[Dreadylocks]

Some will say nothing “is”. Same as “are”.

-Thanks-

It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is.

 

[Cracker Funk]

It depends on what the meaning of the word 'is' is.

Haha!

 

[Utopia]

Great script. Very Twiight-Zone-ish.

As far as sound goes, leave enough time to get that moment of silence before the axe whacks him.

This is sure to make the audience jump.

Oh yeah - and are you sure you want to make it his stomach that gets hit?

Doesn't a praying mantis bite the head off of the male after doing him?

Maybe just take his head clean off - would make for a good moment where you have the magnifying glass left out on the porch and his head rolls over to peer through it after it got cut off. Just a thought.