Workinf on one sentence description of film- Feedback, please

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danielsemel

'A comedy about two friends struggling with failure, and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.'


Judging from the above sentence, what do you think the project is about and is it something you'd be interested in watching.


thanks!
 
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danielsemel said:
'A comedy about two friends struggling with failure, and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.
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Seems a bit generic and general to me. I'm not sure what it would be about.

struggling, failure, boredom, medicate.... not words that necessarily scream comedy to me - but I'm just one person and probably older than your target audience :yes:

I hope that helps.
 
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The potential for comedy is there, but I have seen this type of movie before so it is not entirely original. The comedy writing would need to be sharp in order to make this type of storyline stand out. Have you thought about a challenge or purpose to drive the movie? Harold and Kumar went to White Castle. The Dudes looked for the missing car. Jay and Silent Bob went to stop their story from being made into a movie. What are these guys doing other than sitting around self-medicating? If nothing, then it might work as a short (5 - 10 minutes).
 
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Screams boring...

danielsemel said:
'A comedy about two friends struggling with failure, and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs.


Judging from the above sentence, what do you think the project is about and is it something you'd be interested in watching.


thanks!
Click to expand...
No offense... It screams BORING to me. I picture somebody with a camcorder following a couple of people around who get stoned all the time.

It's really important that you put the STORY in your logline... What you have above might in fact BE the story but to be honest, it just doesn't sound like much of a story at this point. Assuming you have a funny comedy, give us the comedic story event in your logline...

If all you've done is show the obstacles that supposedly stand in your two friends way as they attempt to accomplish something, then you don't have much of a story... Find the ONE thing they MUST ACCOMPLISH and show us the obtstacles and how they eventually overcome them i.e., growth. They don't necessarily have to stop smoking pot. They could come up with a comedic way to be able to keep smoking pot but overcome the obstacles that are standing in their way to success...

A good logline should contain enough IRONY in that one sentence to make us sit up and take notice. The irony in your story is kind of like your "hook." It's what pulls us in... It's what makes us want to watch. From the logline above, maybe those of us really interested in people getting stoned would be interested in watching your film but I'm thinking in more general terms and my guess is that most people are NOT going to be interested...

In your example... There's no irony at all. We would expect two friends who get stoned all the time to be losers... The real irony here would be the UNEXPECTED. Take what we are totally expecting with these two friends and stand it on its ear. Don't give us what we expect...

That's boring.

I can't tell if you've already made this film... Even if you have, try to follow a few simple guidelines when creating your logline and it will improve a thousand percent...

1) Tell us the irony

2) Tell us what kind of people it's about i.e., failing teenage friends, the secret sauce guys at Jack-In-The-Box, etc. Use the appropriate adjective(s) to explain WHO these two friends are. Very important.

3) If you do have an antagonist or even if the SYSTEM itself is the bad guy, again, come up with a descriptive adjective that NAILS it. We want to know what kind of bad guy or system these two friends overcome. The better you describe it (with a word or two), the more we will be intrigued.

4) The two friends should have some compelling, seemingly insurmountable goal that they must achieve. Tell us what that is. If it's just to get by day by day, that's not too compelling UNLESS you tell us that these two friends are so handicapped that getting by day by day would in fact, become compelling... i.e., two pothead friends in wheelchairs... Something like that.

Find the above elements in your story and create your logline around them... If you have yet to actually make the film, I highly recommend honing your logline until it's PERFECT. Then take that logline and write your story using the perfect logline as your compass.

Good luck with it...

filmy
 
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Ah -- one of the great truths about any kind of drug use is that although it seems funny as hell to participate at the time -- it's tedious as hell to watch.

Trust me -- I've sat both sides of the fence.

However, don't let that put you off.

If you really want to make a movie about how difficult it is to struggle with failure and boredom it will probably be worth your while renting "Ghostworld" and "Clerks"

http://Ghost World official site

That way you can see how people tackled the subject well.

If it's the drug angle you're more interested in -- well

Drug Store Cowboy, Train Spotting or Nil By Mouth

are the high points (pun intended)

and if you want to get into funny dope movies -- Well Cheech and Chong beat you to the punch by thirty years.
 
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Hey guys and Filmjumper,

Actually this is a feature length film I've already made. I'm still in post on it and I'm going to start trying this year to get it distributed. I appreciate the feedback and I'm going back to the drawing board on this. The hard part is getting those crucial details into one sentence.
 
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Well, congratulations on getting this far with your production.

You're going about this ass about backwards, but as that's the reality of the situation let's see if we can help.

The think the reason you're having problems creating a logline is because you're confusing it with the answer that you habitually give when people ask you "So, what's your film about" to which you've been answering "Well, it's a comedy about two friends struggling with failure, and boredom, as they medicate themselves with pot and other drugs"

Where as a logine is your sales pitch for the film and needs to be a summation of the story.

So, for example -

"When Harry and Dick drop out of college they expect the world to fall in their laps, but as each new day brings yet more failures they turn to to drugs as the only way to make it through the tedium of their small town lives -- constantly stoned they attempt to make their mark in a world which demands success when all they have to offer is failure."

That kind of papers over the cracks -- and the last phrase is a quote from "The Producers" LOL
 
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Clive, the quote you provided that great! If you all notice, the word "THAT" is not in there at all.
Any statement could and should have the word "THAT" removed. It's more professional, which is what we're going for right?

I know that ECC has the facilities for this project.

I know ECC has the facilities for this project.

Remove "THAT" and it flows better. You don't stop in the middle of it.
 
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Clive, the quote you provided that great!
Click to expand...

Thanks for that -- my real fear, however, is because this kind of focussing wasn't done before the script was written, no matter how good the logline, the film itself probably lacks structure and a story of any kind.

Like I said -- feels like trying to paper over the cracks -- hope I'm wrong -- which I often am ;)

When people think a high concept logline is JUST about selling, they miss the point -- the high concept logline is like a compass for the story -- it stops it wandering off at tangents -- without that focus, you just know that the script is going to be all over the place.
 
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It's more like this:

"the high concept logline is like a compass for the story -- it stops it wandering off at tangents -- without that focus, you just know that the script is going to be all over the place."

Should be:

the high concept logline is like a compass for the story -- it stops it wandering off at tangents -- without focus, you just know the script is going to be all over the place.


Do you see what I mean?
 
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It's more like this:

"the high concept logline is like a compass for the story -- it stops it wandering off at tangents -- without that focus, you just know that the script is going to be all over the place."

Should be:

the high concept logline is like a compass for the story -- it stops it wandering off at tangents -- without focus, you just know the script is going to be all over the place.


Do you see what I mean?
Click to expand...

Yeap and your general point is spot on -- "that" is a word which I often elimimate from sentences for just that reason.

However, in the example you used above, the "that" in the phrase "without that focus" is the stressor and essential to the meaning of the sentence -- in basic terms the removal of "that' changes the meaning of the word focus from "the act of drawing ideas into clarity" which is what I meant, to "concentrating" which I didn't.

Which takes nothing from your original point, which was a good one. ;)
 
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Okay guys, I've tried to get to the heart of the story. Here's a new rough draft.


'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town, with two friends from high school, before moving to another state to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'
 
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'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town, with two friends from high school, before moving to another state to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'
Click to expand...

A logline traditionally explains the journey of the protagonist.

At the moment your film is -- "A guy gets stoned with his mates and they talk about stuff"

Even if that is the case, you should at least try to explain the protagonist's emotional journey.

So

"An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with his two best friends from high school, getting high and dreaming adventure and escape and in the process -- (discovers/realises/finds that ...... whatever it it is his journey is about)
 
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Hey Filmjumper,

A little cleaned up version.

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'
 
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danielsemel said:
Hey Filmjumper,

A little cleaned up version.

'An aimless college graduate spends his last day in town with two high school friends before leaving to join the family business. They while away the time getting high, dreaming of adventure and escape.'
Click to expand...


What does, "while away" mean?

How do you "while away"?

I've never heard of it before.:huh:
 
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