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The Third Wheel

theauteur

theauteur

Hello everyone,

I've recently completed my second short screenplay, and it's called The Third Wheel. It is a drama about a couple who are spending a romantic night together when an another man comes in to alter their lives.

I know it's not a correct logline, but I've not able to write something which won't give out the crucial points and will be interesting at the same time.

I'm especially looking for criticism about the dialogues in this short. I'm trying to master the art of writing dialogues, and I've worked really hard in tweaking the dialogues; therefore, please point out even the small bits.

In addition to this, I'm also looking for some advice regarding writing the descriptions. I've seen some screenwriters who use "fancy" words to write their scripts, and on the other hand, I've seen equally successful screenwriters who like to get to the point.

One more thing (read this portion after reading the short)


I've tried to write a fight sequence in this short, and as this was my first time, I don't think I've done a good job with it. I always thought fight sequences were decided by fight choreographers, but as it turned out, many screenwriters write their own fight scenes. To make matters worse, I've never been involved in a fight in my life lol. So I really hope if someone here can help me out with the fight sequence.

So yeah, give it a try and point out any thing that you want to, for it'll help me in improving my craft.

Thanks in advance!

http://flipsydeworld.com/TheThirdWheel.pdf
 
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Gratuitous rape fantasies and cardboard heroes. Yay. Might not help your chances with the ladies.

I cringe whenever I come across these as they flirt with promoting that which they purportedly would wish to stop. And you want to stop reading to avoid the filthiness of it all, as I did.
 
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This is pretty grim.

Way to much happens for the length of the script, especially as it devolves into people shooting each other with magically appearing guns and various people raping the girl. Who is the person raping her at the start, and why haven't you named him? It's not your job to keep elements like that a surprise for the reader, it needs to be self explanatory.

And self explanatory is exactly what this is not. I agree with polfilmblog that the rape scenes sound gratuitous and that you should definitely consider making the violence either implied or represented metaphorically. It's very difficult to make a commercially or critically viable short film which contains several gruesome rape scenes in about five pages of dialogue. Meanwhile you might want to rework the dialogue because it still sounds a little cliched and rushed, especially given the gravity of the situation.

All in all, this requires a far bit of reworking in my opinion. Sorry :(
 
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The guy in the beginning is Daniel. And, it's in flashback.

I apologize if I offended anyone here. Regarding the rape scene, I was not sure how to write it down. I tried to find some screenplays which had rape scenes, but couldn't. My bad.

When I started thinking about this movie, it was more of a horror film; however, while brainstorming about it, the theme changed.

The basic idea is how men use masculinity as a reason to do anything they want to, as Greg and Daniel do in this short. And the ending is somewhat inspired by Honour killings that happen around the world.

Thanks for giving it a read.

Edit: I've added Flashback in the script in order to avoid any confusion :)
 
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The rape scene: You seem to describe a lot, but don't show.If you are looking for movies/scripts with rape scenes, look at Irreversible, The Fountainhead, Straw Dogs, and Kids each is dealt with in a very different manner.

The dialogue doesn't sound natural and at somepoints seems forced, as well as the action.

I'm going to agree with Nick that this needs some rewriting.
 
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