First time having anyone else read my work

[newcitypictures]

I've been writing since I was 15 years old but this is the first time I'm letting anyone else, other then my family, read my work. Please be kind and tell me about the things I could work on. This is only the first few scenes of the screenplay I'm working on now. Thank you.

FADE IN:

INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - MORNING - DREAM

A mysterious woman, Kate, with an hour glass figure and long brown hair, lays on a bed with her back to the camera. She lays in a room filled with various movie memorabilia.

Kate

(in a soft sleepy voice)

You coming to bed?

cut to:

HALLWAY

A clean shaven man in his mid 30's, Jason, walks with hesitation in his step towards his room not knowing what he might find. He clearly does not recognizes the voice coming from his room but he progresses anyway, curious as to what he may find.

cut to:

BEDROOM


Jason enters the bedroom. He is surprised to find the strange woman he does not know laying in his bed wearing just her panties and a T-Shirt. He is surprised but not put off by this mysterious woman, in fact he goes so far as to lay down in bed beside her. Curious to find out who this woman is, he places his hand on her shoulder and slowly begins to turn her to face him but before he can get a good look at her face we...

cut to:

INT. JASON'S BEDROOM - MORNING

JASON, now unshaven and a little disheveled, lays asleep in bed. This is 36 year old Jason Nelson. Handsome with a slight awkwardness to him. After a few moments he suddenly awakens in bed. His eyes pop open, out of breath and sweating, as though he has just awakened from a nightmare.

As he begins to settle down a little and sit up in bed it is reveled that he is not alone. A cute blond lays asleep in bed beside him.

As he gets up out of bed he tries his best not to wake her. He makes his way to the bathroom.

cut to:

BATHROOM

Jason fills the sink up with water as he stares at himself in the mirror not happy with the man staring back at him. Once the sink is filled he turns off the water and dunks his head in without even blinking an eye, just so he might have the chance of feeling something.

cut to:

MONTAGE

Jason is off to work, wearing a fast food type uniform. He leaves his small one bedroom two family house, in which he occupies the first floor, slamming the door behind him on the way out. The sound from him leaving wakes the woman in bed. She is surprised to see no one laying beside her.

Jason rides the bus to work. He sits alone, staring out the window. Once he arrives at his job, he begins to flip burgers in the back. He is clearly unhappy with his job that is going nowhere.

Later Jason is seen getting yelled at by his much younger boss. Jason does not fight back, though, this seems to be a normal thing between Jason and his boss.

Jason gets out of work late in the afternoon. Once off work he heads to the local movie theater, his second home. As the film begins we see Jason smile for the first time today.

cut to:

INT. MOVIE THEATER - NIGHT

Jason sits towards the front row of the theater. His eyes are wide, glued to the screen, not wanting to miss a second, he's happy. Once the credits begin to roll and everyone gets up out of their seats to leave, Jason's eyes sadden a bit. Faced with having to enter the real world again, he hangs his head, forces himself to get up from his seat and fades into the crowd with all the rest of them.

 

[moonshieldmedia]

Overall I like it. Most of what I'm about to say is subjective...

Some of your Action could be a litte more concise. Get to the point quicker.

Break up your paragraphs.

It seems like you have a tendency to want to tell the reader how the character is feeling or what he's thinking. This will obviously not translate on film, so be careful.

Also, I know it's just text in a forum, but there are some script format issues, such as character names above dialogue and transitions before new scenes should be ALL CAPS.

----

You said you've been writing since 15, but how old are you now? Keep up the good work.

 

[Firm1]

Its not bad, other than a few formatting issues. He is right, though. You should be careful in not describing how your character's feel. Rather, you need to focus on their facial features and what they look like. It's ok to sound a little boring in your scripts because the point is to try and make a blue print for a movie that will hopefully be the interesting end product you had hoped for.

On a completely opinionated note, this sounds like it could turn into your typical, coming-of-age happy go-lucky story. Maybe even a self-indulgent piece where the guy becomes a famous filmmaker. Obviously that remains to be seen and I'm sure good things are soon to come, but just be weary of your direction. Nothing can ruin a story more than to fit it neatly within an arch type. Stop yourself before you make it too typical and predictable. Established filmmakers can get away with this, but to get your foot in the door, you gotta break away from the conventions and invent some of your own.

Good luck and thanks for sharing!

 

[newcitypictures]

Overall I like it. Most of what I'm about to say is subjective...

Some of your Action could be a litte more concise. Get to the point quicker.

Break up your paragraphs.

It seems like you have a tendency to want to tell the reader how the character is feeling or what he's thinking. This will obviously not translate on film, so be careful.

Also, I know it's just text in a forum, but there are some script format issues, such as character names above dialogue and transitions before new scenes should be ALL CAPS.

----

You said you've been writing since 15, but how old are you now? Keep up the good work.

Thanks for the advice. With the formatting issues, I tried cutting and pasteing from celtx but it got a little messed up. I'm 18 years old now. And I didn't know that I should instead of telling how their feeling, I should tell about the look on their face. Thank you so much for the advice.

 

[newcitypictures]

Its not bad, other than a few formatting issues. He is right, though. You should be careful in not describing how your character's feel. Rather, you need to focus on their facial features and what they look like. It's ok to sound a little boring in your scripts because the point is to try and make a blue print for a movie that will hopefully be the interesting end product you had hoped for.

On a completely opinionated note, this sounds like it could turn into your typical, coming-of-age happy go-lucky story. Maybe even a self-indulgent piece where the guy becomes a famous filmmaker. Obviously that remains to be seen and I'm sure good things are soon to come, but just be weary of your direction. Nothing can ruin a story more than to fit it neatly within an arch type. Stop yourself before you make it too typical and predictable. Established filmmakers can get away with this, but to get your foot in the door, you gotta break away from the conventions and invent some of your own.

Good luck and thanks for sharing!

Thanks for telling me to decirde their facial features, I honestly didn't know about that. And don't worry, it's not going to turn out you're normal coming if age story, trust me. I just wanted to show in the beginning what the main characters all about before we really get into the story.

 

[Firm1]

Thanks for telling me to decirde their facial features, I honestly didn't know about that. And don't worry, it's not going to turn out you're normal coming if age story, trust me. I just wanted to show in the beginning what the main characters all about before we really get into the story.

Nice. Yeah, I do the same things with my stories. They always start out this way. Its something I'm trying to get away from.

 

[newcitypictures]

Its something I'm trying to get away from.

if you don't mins me asking, why is that?

 

[Firm1]

if you don't mins me asking, why is that?

To be fantastical about it, my whole goal is to understand the barriers in cinema and break free from it so that movies can progress and improve. I understand that all movies are grounded on some cliche, but I feel that the further we move away from them, the better off we are, especially as novice filmmakers because everyone wants to see something new. Obviously not everything that's new is good, but in my eyes if you don't experiment to figure out what works and what doesn't, then you end up with recycled movies. So for instance, if I were writing this, I would come up with a very odd and interesting low-paying job that he does, which he hates, just like Choke. the main character was a "historical interpreter". The job basically said the same thing you're saying in your script, only with a new spin to it.

 

[Rodney Petrie]

From the stand point of a reader (audience member) I am interested in where this is heading and want to know what is going to happen in the rest of the story so you have accomplished something there.

I saw a vision in my mind of the character settling in to watch the film and a smile being on his face and then because I know what it's like to go from watching an experience only a film can give you then returning to the real world and remembering that you have all your concerns - what you have written made that feeling come out in my mind.

 

[newcitypictures]

To be fantastical about it, my whole goal is to understand the barriers in cinema and break free from it so that movies can progress and improve. I understand that all movies are grounded on some cliche, but I feel that the further we move away from them, the better off we are, especially as novice filmmakers because everyone wants to see something new. Obviously not everything that's new is good, but in my eyes if you don't experiment to figure out what works and what doesn't, then you end up with recycled movies. So for instance, if I were writing this, I would come up with a very odd and interesting low-paying job that he does, which he hates, just like Choke. the main character was a "historical interpreter". The job basically said the same thing you're saying in your script, only with a new spin to it.

Yeah, I see what you mean

 

[newcitypictures]

From the stand point of a reader (audience member) I am interested in where this is heading and want to know what is going to happen in the rest of the story so you have accomplished something there.

I saw a vision in my mind of the character settling in to watch the film and a smile being on his face and then because I know what it's like to go from watching an experience only a film can give you then returning to the real world and remembering that you have all your concerns - what you have written made that feeling come out in my mind.

Thank you so much. That make me glad that you felt what I was trying to make come across.