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First few scenes of a first draft

insert_cliche_here

insert_cliche_here

Just throwing this out there, for the couple of people I know would be interested to read it.

Remember ages ago I was talking about one of my screenplays? The crime one, about the two women gangsters? I know Goober knows what I'm talking about haha.

Anyway, I just went over the first couple of scenes and figured I'd post it, and just see if it does the job of introducing the characters and grabbing the readers/viewers attention. Am I on the right track?

clicky click

Any comments/feedback/advice/whatever would be appreciated :P

Thanks

Ang :)

Oh yeah, as with everything I write it is ADULTS ONLY!
 
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I enjoyed that, its the first time I've been made aware of this project, so it's with fresh eyes. A strong first draft, for sure. So here it goes.

As a reader, I need to know more of your characters. Stating their age, is one step toward the reader establishing the character, and differentiating between them, but we need more. Just half a sentence that would best depict their persona, and more importantly, solidify their importance within the story.

The same could be set about the insight into the location. Your action is fantastic. You need no help there, you've got it. Although I'm aware that the house decrepit, and withering, a few short words to best convey the location goes a long way, and is very, very necessary. e.g

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Night looms. Vines adorn the walls, and fixtures. PETER (42) - A one-time bohemian with a head of dirty blonde hair- enters warily.

From a Writers point of view, we all try to abide by the 3-4 lines of action rule. It's tough, it really is. But it's just practise. Like i said, action wise, it's fine, and the odd time you've elaborated on the location, it's great, but you've got to find the balance. One that does the job, and complies with the format/style.

Final point. When establishing the location. e.g

INT. RUN DOWN HOUSE - NIGHT

We now know we are WITHIN the run-down house. So, it's not necessary to place "Run down" within the following Screen headings. It would only be necessary to do so, if we where to cut between different houses, and even then, it could be solidified within the "action". - Which again ties into conveying the surroundings within the action.

Overall, it's coming along really well.

Best of luck.
 
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I thought it was good. I would suggest spellchecking as a few words were misspelled--distracting but not glaring.

To echo PaperTwin's comment, several of your paragraphs have 2 or more actions in them. While older screenplays often did that, the more recent trend is to break them out as they will likely be different camera shots. It's okay to clump a couple actions that are linked and may logically be in the same shot, but it's best to keep actions performed be different characters in separate paragraphs.

Code: 
You wrote:
Terry stands against the wall and flicks the handle beside
him. Steve checks it out. He shakes his head and they all
look at the last closed door. A thump comes from behind it.
They glance at each other and Gary smashes into the room.
Terry and Steve storm in.
[code]

More broken out:
[code]
Terry stands against the wall and flicks the handle beside
him.  [i]And the door swings slowly open.[/i]

Steve checks it out. He shakes his head, and they all
look at the last closed door. 

THUMP from behind it.

They glance at each other.   Gary smashes into the room.
Terry and Steve storm in.

Usually sound statements are set off by themselves if they are unexpected. The last sentence is logically consistent with what I might see in a shot, so it isn't broken out.
 
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Papertwinproductions said:
I enjoyed that, its the first time I've been made aware of this project, so it's with fresh eyes. A strong first draft, for sure. So here it goes.

As a reader, I need to know more of your characters. Stating their age, is one step toward the reader establishing the character, and differentiating between them, but we need more. Just half a sentence that would best depict their persona, and more importantly, solidify their importance within the story.

The same could be set about the insight into the location. Your action is fantastic. You need no help there, you've got it. Although I'm aware that the house decrepit, and withering, a few short words to best convey the location goes a long way, and is very, very necessary. e.g

INT. BATHROOM - NIGHT

Night looms. Vines adorn the walls, and fixtures. PETER (42) - A one-time bohemian with a head of dirty blonde hair- enters warily.

From a Writers point of view, we all try to abide by the 3-4 lines of action rule. It's tough, it really is. But it's just practise. Like i said, action wise, it's fine, and the odd time you've elaborated on the location, it's great, but you've got to find the balance. One that does the job, and complies with the format/style.

Final point. When establishing the location. e.g

INT. RUN DOWN HOUSE - NIGHT

We now know we are WITHIN the run-down house. So, it's not necessary to place "Run down" within the following Screen headings. It would only be necessary to do so, if we where to cut between different houses, and even then, it could be solidified within the "action". - Which again ties into conveying the surroundings within the action.

Overall, it's coming along really well.

Best of luck.
Click to expand...

First of all, thank you so much :) I'm glad you enjoyed it ^_^

That damn description is always a problem for me, haha. I either have too much or not enough. It's good to know I've got it right in some places though, that's encouraging. All I have to do is find that balance, as you say.

I was actually wondering about the location thing when I was reading over it. I didn't think it looked right to keep repeating what house we were in, but I didn't know if it would be clear if I just put 'bathroom' or whatever. You answered my unasked question lol :D

Thanks again, I really do appreciate that anyone would even read it, let alone take the time to give me feedback. You rock :D <3

FantasySciFi said:
I thought it was good. I would suggest spellchecking as a few words were misspelled--distracting but not glaring.

To echo PaperTwin's comment, several of your paragraphs have 2 or more actions in them. While older screenplays often did that, the more recent trend is to break them out as they will likely be different camera shots. It's okay to clump a couple actions that are linked and may logically be in the same shot, but it's best to keep actions performed be different characters in separate paragraphs.

Code: 
You wrote:
Terry stands against the wall and flicks the handle beside
him. Steve checks it out. He shakes his head and they all
look at the last closed door. A thump comes from behind it.
They glance at each other and Gary smashes into the room.
Terry and Steve storm in.
[code]

More broken out:
[code]
Terry stands against the wall and flicks the handle beside
him.  [i]And the door swings slowly open.[/i]

Steve checks it out. He shakes his head, and they all
look at the last closed door. 

THUMP from behind it.

They glance at each other.   Gary smashes into the room.
Terry and Steve storm in.

Usually sound statements are set off by themselves if they are unexpected. The last sentence is logically consistent with what I might see in a shot, so it isn't broken out.
Click to expand...

Thank you times a thousand ^_^

Again, a couple of things I was wondering about. Are you people psychic or what? :P

It does look so much better broken up like that, I'll fix that up and get into the habit of separating actions like that. Makes sense.

Damn spell check. I get sick of Celtx telling me things aren't words or suggesting the American spelling, so I have the checker turned off. But then, I usually write late at night, which is a bad combination lol. I'll fix those up too :)

Thanks again guys, I really do appreciate it so much, and I'm glad at least a couple people enjoyed it :D <3

ang
 
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I enjoyed this! It certainly grabs the attention of the reader! I'd be really interested to see where this goes. Well done!

I can't really say a lot more than the others, but I did notice a couple of things:

INT. JAMIE’S BACKYARD - DAY

Jamie stands amoungst the tranquil garden in a Salute to the Sun.

Shouldn't this be an EXT. shot? Not 100% certain, but that's how I'd write it. Also, "...in a Salute to the Sun." doesn't really mean anything to me. The capital letters make it sound like it's an object that she's physically standing inside of. If it is, I have no idea what a "Salute to the Sun" is. I assume you're actually trying to imply a pose that she has taken, I picture her looking into the sun, maybe shading her eyes with her had, like a salute. Was that the intention? It just seems a little vague.

Also, very simple:

KADY
I’ll meet you there in 20.

I've been led to believe that you shouldn't write numerals, you should stick to writing the word as it is said, so "I'll meet you there in twenty." I could be wrong on that, but even if I am, I certainly prefer it that way.

That's all I got! Good work. I'll look forward to the next few scenes!
 
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mad_hatter said:
I enjoyed this! It certainly grabs the attention of the reader! I'd be really interested to see where this goes. Well done!

I can't really say a lot more than the others, but I did notice a couple of things:

INT. JAMIE’S BACKYARD - DAY

Jamie stands amoungst the tranquil garden in a Salute to the Sun.

Shouldn't this be an EXT. shot? Not 100% certain, but that's how I'd write it. Also, "...in a Salute to the Sun." doesn't really mean anything to me. The capital letters make it sound like it's an object that she's physically standing inside of. If it is, I have no idea what a "Salute to the Sun" is. I assume you're actually trying to imply a pose that she has taken, I picture her looking into the sun, maybe shading her eyes with her had, like a salute. Was that the intention? It just seems a little vague.

Also, very simple:

KADY
I’ll meet you there in 20.

I've been led to believe that you shouldn't write numerals, you should stick to writing the word as it is said, so "I'll meet you there in twenty." I could be wrong on that, but even if I am, I certainly prefer it that way.

That's all I got! Good work. I'll look forward to the next few scenes!
Click to expand...

:) Thank you so much, I have a huge smile on my face right now lol.

Yeah, that should be an 'EXT', good ol' typos lol. Thanks for pointing that out :)

A Salute to the Sun is a yoga position. Maybe I should just put 'she stands in a simple yoga stance' or something?

I'd say writing the word probably is the right way to do it, it definitely looks better. I'll do that from now on :)

Thanks again so much, I really am so glad that you enjoyed it, big ego boost haha :D <3
 
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Sorry, nothing constructive to say. But I liked it too. It was pretty easy to visualize, and the resulting mind's eye film was interesting. I hope to read more of your work. :)
 
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I love the lesbian crime lord angle, can totally work with that.

I think you need to give the script a little bit more time. As I see it the warehouse scene shouldn't really take place until about 10-15 minutes into the film (presuming this is a feature?).

You definitely need to give your characters more time to grow on screen. The fact that Kady is a gangster isn't a twist so much as a reveal and you've shown her snuggling in bed already. What I would suggest is reworking the opening so that you have the assault on Wayne going on at the same time as Kady and her lady friend are being sweet/romantic/passionate so that there's a clear juxtaposition there. What you want to do is lure the audience into assuming that these events are a.) unrelated for the moment and b.) certainly not the responsibility of either of the girls.

There's a series of very short scenes that flit around the different locations and from the point of view of someone filming and editing this, that's not ideal. If you could condense those little scenes into three or four longer scenes that go fully through through their actions then firstly it would help build up the characters before the warehouse scene and secondly it would mean that you didn't have a series of scenes (very early on in the film, remember, when the audience will still be trying to work out which characters are which, where they live, what they look like...etc) that jump from person to person and location to location.

Other than that I enjoyed it. Last bit of action looks gruesome. What is it about genital torture (see 'Will my movie get an NC-17 rating?' thread for further details) at the moment, or am I reading into it too much? :D
 
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As noted above, I've nothing constructive to add which hasn't already been mentioned. I'm impressed with your progress. I think your descriptives are much more expeditious and your dialogue pretty spot on. You're a natural! I look forward to more pages. :)
 
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NickClapper said:
I love the lesbian crime lord angle, can totally work with that.

I think you need to give the script a little bit more time. As I see it the warehouse scene shouldn't really take place until about 10-15 minutes into the film (presuming this is a feature?).

You definitely need to give your characters more time to grow on screen. The fact that Kady is a gangster isn't a twist so much as a reveal and you've shown her snuggling in bed already. What I would suggest is reworking the opening so that you have the assault on Wayne going on at the same time as Kady and her lady friend are being sweet/romantic/passionate so that there's a clear juxtaposition there. What you want to do is lure the audience into assuming that these events are a.) unrelated for the moment and b.) certainly not the responsibility of either of the girls.

There's a series of very short scenes that flit around the different locations and from the point of view of someone filming and editing this, that's not ideal. If you could condense those little scenes into three or four longer scenes that go fully through through their actions then firstly it would help build up the characters before the warehouse scene and secondly it would mean that you didn't have a series of scenes (very early on in the film, remember, when the audience will still be trying to work out which characters are which, where they live, what they look like...etc) that jump from person to person and location to location.

Other than that I enjoyed it. Last bit of action looks gruesome. What is it about genital torture (see 'Will my movie get an NC-17 rating?' thread for further details) at the moment, or am I reading into it too much? :D
Click to expand...

I think I get what you're driving at. By going back and forth between Jamie and Kady's morning routines I was trying to compare them I suppose, but I see how it could be too much.

I know it kinda just dives right into things with the last scene, but the plot, overall, is quite long. I figured it'd be best to get it all down, then figure out what can go and what needs to stay. That scene is very important, though.

I'm rolling it all around in my thought space right now, trying to illustrate that Kady and Jamie are the main characters and that they are important people and although they work together, they are very different. If that makes any sense.

Don't worry, this story has been written in my head for a long time, I was not inspired by the NC-17 thread :P Although, coincidently enough, Jamie does end up being shot in the abdomen (not particularly on purpose, she's just being shot at and that happens to be where she takes a few bullets) and has to have her reproductive organs removed. Nobody panic, that is where the similarities between my story and Harmonica's story end. Just a random coincidence.

bird said:
As noted above, I've nothing constructive to add which hasn't already been mentioned. I'm impressed with your progress. I think your descriptives are much more expeditious and your dialogue pretty spot on. You're a natural! I look forward to more pages. :)
Click to expand...

Shucks. You're a doll :P <3

I'm fixing up mistakes and generally trying to apply the advice everyone's given me so far. I've got the next few scenes planned out somewhat, I'm actually about to write them now, so hopefully I'll have some more to post soon :D I'm so glad people have actually enjoyed what I've done so far. It seriously gives me the biggest smile ^_^

much much much much MUCH love <3
 
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Okay, this is very intriguing. I had no idea that the lesbian screenplay you'd been working on was a gangster movie! This could be a lot of fun. And these first few scenes you've posted work very well.

I thought it interesting that Nick said the garage scene shouldn't come until about 15-minutes into the movie. I kinda had the opposite reaction. I was thinking maybe we get right into it. Maybe our immediate introduction to these women is that they are some mean-ass-nut-chopping-biatches!

In fact, if I were directing this, I would start the movie right here --

KADY
Rules. You keep a civil tongue. You
answer when questioned. You do not
speak otherwise. You scream or
yell, try to escape or otherwise
act like a dickhead and we will use
bullets to remove your knees.
Understand? Shake or nod.

That's a really strong line. I like it a lot. And it tells your audience, in the first 30-seconds of the movie, everything they really need to know about your character. She is in charge -- a ruthless badass. We can learn more about her later (and I assume she loses control later?).

My only real criticism of this screenplay --

JAMIE
I think he’s trying to say
something.
KADY
Yes, but strangley enough, I find
I’m not particularly inclined to
hear it.
JAMIE
What a coincidence, neither am I.
KADY
I would, however, like to know the
whereabouts of our money.
JAMIE
I was just thinking that.

For me, these lines are a little too Mwaahahahahaha. They kinda sound like stereotypical bad-guy talk, almost as if they were being written for a spoof movie, like "Austin Powers: I Shagged a Lesbogangster".

But that was the only part of the script that irked me. Everything else I think is very solid. A couple people have mentioned that you could be more descriptive, but I actually really like the succinctness of your descriptions. "Salute the sun". That's creative, and in just a few words, you paint a strong image.

Nice work. I look forward to seeing the rest. Cheers!
 
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Cracker Funk said:
Okay, this is very intriguing. I had no idea that the lesbian screenplay you'd been working on was a gangster movie! This could be a lot of fun. And these first few scenes you've posted work very well.

I thought it interesting that Nick said the garage scene shouldn't come until about 15-minutes into the movie. I kinda had the opposite reaction. I was thinking maybe we get right into it. Maybe our immediate introduction to these women is that they are some mean-ass-nut-chopping-biatches!

In fact, if I were directing this, I would start the movie right here --

KADY
Rules. You keep a civil tongue. You
answer when questioned. You do not
speak otherwise. You scream or
yell, try to escape or otherwise
act like a dickhead and we will use
bullets to remove your knees.
Understand? Shake or nod.

That's a really strong line. I like it a lot. And it tells your audience, in the first 30-seconds of the movie, everything they really need to know about your character. She is in charge -- a ruthless badass. We can learn more about her later (and I assume she loses control later?).

My only real criticism of this screenplay --

JAMIE
I think he’s trying to say
something.
KADY
Yes, but strangley enough, I find
I’m not particularly inclined to
hear it.
JAMIE
What a coincidence, neither am I.
KADY
I would, however, like to know the
whereabouts of our money.
JAMIE
I was just thinking that.

For me, these lines are a little too Mwaahahahahaha. They kinda sound like stereotypical bad-guy talk, almost as if they were being written for a spoof movie, like "Austin Powers: I Shagged a Lesbogangster".

But that was the only part of the script that irked me. Everything else I think is very solid. A couple people have mentioned that you could be more descriptive, but I actually really like the succinctness of your descriptions. "Salute the sun". That's creative, and in just a few words, you paint a strong image.

Nice work. I look forward to seeing the rest. Cheers!
Click to expand...

I like what you're saying. Now you've got me re-thinking things. Damn you.

I would have to agree about those lines too. It sort of reminds me of the two henchmen in Sin City, talking about the cars and whatnot. I might change that.

You assume correctly, she loses it in a big way :D
 
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