your opinion on these loglins

[aceinc1]

Paternal Instincts - When a man discovers he has the extraordinary ability to create a doppelganger of himself, he'll stop at nothing to protect his pregnant wife.

The Immigrant - Bringing to mind the classic film THE PLAYER, THE IMMIGRANT chronicles the journey of a newly arrived Indian screenwriter looking to make his mark on Hollywood.

The Publicist - Much like the successful FX show DIRT, THE PUBLICIST takes us behind the scenes of the high-stakes world of Hollywood publicity.

Mind Reader - In the vein of the successful film WHAT WOMEN WANT, When chauvenist jerk Eric suddenly gets psychic abilities, he starts using the power for less than benevolent purposes.

Supernatural - When workaholic absentee dad Paul suddenly drops dead, he gets a second chance when he gets reincarnated into the body of a young boy named James.

Soul Mate - A haunted house story unlike any other, with a twist you would never suspect

The Next Priest - American businessman Sam starts having weird dreams that lead him on a quest to the Hermitage, where he will become THE NEXT PRIEST

Mystic Writer - Uptight struggling writer Tom gets thrust on a journey he never expected

Quicksand - When blackmailing hacker Richard gets snatched on the street by the mob, he gets thrust onto a dangerous journey filled with bloodshed and tragedy.

Frozen Money - When Ashwin gets sucked into an email scam, his life gets turned upside down.

Grey - When CIA agent Martin Reigns' ex-wife gets assassinated, he goes on a journey of revenge.


regards,
ace.inc1

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

If your intended market is Hollywood, I would personally stay away from screenwriters and the internet, unless they have a GREAT hook.

I think you can write the logs a little better.
I see Quicksand and Frozen Money (Assets?) have “gets” and “gets” in them.
Quicksand also reads “..thrust onto.”, which might not be wrong, but it reads strange to me.
Same with Mystic Writer.

Supernatural could be interesting with a better (Conceptual) title.

The Immigrant could be interesting as a fish out of water dramatic or rom com set-up.

Quicksand could be interesting, but using “The Mob” is a rather generic term.

Grey could be cool, but I feel it needs some added implications that put it over the top.

Frozen Money deserves a better logline as its interesting to wonder what might befall someone that answers one of those scam emails.

-Thanks-

 

[directorik]

The problem I have with most of your log lines is they don’t
entice me to want to read the script.

“Uptight struggling writer Tom gets thrust on a journey he never expected”
What is the journey? Is it a struggle with writers block? Is it a
journey into alcohol?

“When Ashwin gets sucked into an email scam, his life gets turned upside down.”
This fall into the “no kidding” category. Anyone getting sucked
into a scam is going to have their life changed. Your logline says
nothing.

“When CIA agent Martin Reigns' ex-wife gets assassinated, he goes on a journey of revenge.”
This sounds like too many (really bad) revenge movies. If you have
a hook, this is the place to mention it. Same with “Quicksand” -
nothing there that sets your story aside from any other “mob”
movie. Both could be excellent stories if written well.

“Much like the successful FX show DIRT, THE PUBLICIST takes us behind the scenes of the high-stakes world of Hollywood publicity.”
Never compare your story to another story in a logline.

“A haunted house story unlike any other, with a twist you would never suspect”
If the story delivers, this works. If it doesn’t, you’ll get an
immediate “pass”. You set the bar very high with this logline.

I like “Supernatural”. Shows possibilities. “The Next Priest” is a
good logline. But it doesn’t seem like a very commercial story.

 

[ricketybridge]

Paternal Instincts - When a man discovers he has the extraordinary ability to create a doppelganger of himself, he'll stop at nothing to protect his pregnant wife.

What's threatening his pregnant wife?

The Immigrant - Bringing to mind the classic film THE PLAYER, THE IMMIGRANT chronicles the journey of a newly arrived Indian screenwriter looking to make his mark on Hollywood.

I would cut the reference to THE PLAYER. I would just do:

A newly arrived Indian screenwriter struggles to make his mark on Hollywood.

Sounds like a really interesting project; the time sure is ripe for it.

The Publicist - Much like the successful FX show DIRT, THE PUBLICIST takes us behind the scenes of the high-stakes world of Hollywood publicity.

Again, cut the reference to another work. Professional loglines only do this when they say something like "DIRT meets THE PLAYER", or "In the vein of DIRT."

You don't have a character or an objective here.

Mind Reader - In the vein of the successful film WHAT WOMEN WANT, When chauvenist jerk Eric suddenly gets psychic abilities, he starts using the power for less than benevolent purposes.

Again, cut the reference.

What less than benevolent purposes? Also, shouldn't say the character's name.

Supernatural - When workaholic absentee dad Paul suddenly drops dead, he gets a second chance when he gets reincarnated into the body of a young boy named James.

A second chance to do what? Again, cut the characters' names.

Soul Mate - A haunted house story unlike any other, with a twist you would never suspect

Character? Objective?

The Next Priest - American businessman Sam starts having weird dreams that lead him on a quest to the Hermitage, where he will become THE NEXT PRIEST

What's his objective?

Mystic Writer - Uptight struggling writer Tom gets thrust on a journey he never expected

Too vague; what's his objective?

Quicksand - When blackmailing hacker Richard gets snatched on the street by the mob, he gets thrust onto a dangerous journey filled with bloodshed and tragedy.

Too vague; what's his objective?

Frozen Money - When Ashwin gets sucked into an email scam, his life gets turned upside down.

I knew a development executive who ALWAYS used "his life gets turned upside down". I think it's retarded and vague. What's his objective??

Grey - When CIA agent Martin Reigns' ex-wife gets assassinated, he goes on a journey of revenge.

An objective, thank you. I'd like a little specificity on an antagonist, though. If he doesn't know at first, then I would add something like "has to figure out who was behind it".

 

[caseyhein]

You leave it too vague. I don't really know what the film would be about. They seem like decent notions, but there isn't a real sense of drama in them. I want to know the theme, the character, the catalyst, the dilema. Lets face it, if agents or managers are deciding if they want to read the screenplay based on the logline, they better be stellar and give enough of the story away to know if its good or not, but not too much as to not bother reading it.

--Casey

 

[Joker B]

Paternal Instincts - When a man discovers he has the extraordinary ability to create a doppelganger of himself, he'll stop at nothing to protect his pregnant wife.

...from...?

The Immigrant - Bringing to mind the classic film THE PLAYER, THE IMMIGRANT chronicles the journey of a newly arrived Indian screenwriter looking to make his mark on Hollywood.

That's theme. What's the story (or the tease of one)?

The Publicist - Much like the successful FX show DIRT, THE PUBLICIST takes us behind the scenes of the high-stakes world of Hollywood publicity.

...where there are no stories.

Mind Reader - In the vein of the successful film WHAT WOMEN WANT, When chauvenist jerk Eric suddenly gets psychic abilities, he starts using the power for less than benevolent purposes.

That's a character challenge: "guy is jerk, acts like one." There are TV commercials with more progression.

Supernatural - When workaholic absentee dad Paul suddenly drops dead, he gets a second chance when he gets reincarnated into the body of a young boy named James.

(Besides the fact that there's a TV series with this name...) Gets a second chance to...?

Soul Mate - A haunted house story unlike any other, with a twist you would never suspect

In a script that will never get read. You need to throw some sort of enticing bone.

The Next Priest - American businessman Sam starts having weird dreams that lead him on a quest to the Hermitage, where he will become THE NEXT PRIEST

...which is... what? He works for Steve Jobs?

Mystic Writer - Uptight struggling writer Tom gets thrust on a journey he never expected

...and decides he' rather write ad copy in Tuscaloosa than deal with the challenges of Hollywood.

Quicksand - When blackmailing hacker Richard gets snatched on the street by the mob, he gets thrust onto a dangerous journey filled with bloodshed and tragedy.

This almost sounds like it has potential and then it falls flat on the second clause because it has no character impetus. Snatched why? What challenge(s) must he face?

Frozen Money - When Ashwin gets sucked into an email scam, his life gets turned upside down.

...in Siberia? Is there a goal for the protagonist, or just random troubles?

Grey - When CIA agent Martin Reigns' ex-wife gets assassinated, he goes on a journey of revenge.

Who does he want to get revenge on? ("I miss my ex-wife... but my aim is improving")

These comments may seem harsh but they're imo realistic -- and they're free Don't be worried, the fact that you are having a LOT of ideas is great! Even the most successful screenwriters may only create a handful of finished films during their careers. Keep digging them out of your imagination and I'm sure some will be really worthy of polishing.

 

[aceinc1]

Quicksand: based on the internet money extortion scam, this is the story of a small time crook who gets into the big world of mob, while it looks like he’s growing big, he’s actually being sucked in like he’s in a quicksand.

Paternal Instincts: an uxorious husband when worrying too much about his wife developed the ability to be in two places at the same time a his paternal instincts, he is hospitalized for treatment of the problem is the researcher want to kill him in the name benefits of science. Now our hero has to find a way out.

Supernatural: after years of marriage a couple have a baby but it is abnormal and different they are not worried about that until one day the child claims he is a reincarnation and knows and wants to get back into his past life.

Next priest: an American atheist businessman is gets a mysterious call from an Indian priest in his dreams as the Indian wants his to precede as the priest of the hermitage. He travels to India to study the faith and belief in God.

Mystic writer: the manager of an unsuccessful writer asks the writer to not write a script that doesn’t have a element like a novel, real-life story attached to it. The writer decides to create one by claiming that his work is being funded by the mob as a mean of laundering the illegal money. The police officer is asked to catch the writer.

Publicist: a publicist is FALSELY accused of sleeping with his a-list star’s wife by the a-list star ruining the publicist’s marriage. now the publicist must clean his image and save his marriage

Mind reader: a man gets the ability to read minds of people when he wears a specific bi-focal. He finds out that his hunky-dory family is not what it seems to be and decides to clean it up.

Reporter: dreams seen while sleeping during day by the reporter come true. Now he to save a witness (who also happens to be his love interest) is supposed to testify in court who according to his day dream is going to be attacked by the mafia.

Beta Israel: this is a war movie about the 1990 operation Solomon where in 10000 Ethiopian Jews were saved in an operation fulfilling the prophecy of Isaiah about gathering the dispersed ones.

Code “x”: a FEMALE reporter comes to know about an alien spaceship found in her father’s house. Upon investigation she finds out the other spaceship of aliens wherein she is taken and MADE to impregnate a baby for the aliens while her brother who is a scientist is trying to clean up all the evidences of any extra terrestrial intelligence.

Hallucination: as a lab rat to an experiment of his friend a man is sent into his own mind wherein he finds that the things he does in his life are out of his fears and he tries to clean them up in his mind while he is still hallucinated

Soul mate: a family of 3 (father, mother, son) moves into a house in a sub-urb only to find a ghost who happens to be son’s lover of past who couldn’t unite with the son in his last birth. Now they have to find a way to make her go away.

The immigrant: a writer from India moves to LA, USA to sell his work wherein he is staying with a female lawyer. The story is about his visa allotted six months stay where in he has to be able to sell his work.

Frozen money: this is the semi-autobiographical, in 2004, a call-center representative in India gets an email from Nigeria to share a split amount of a deceased man (who doesn’t have a kin) which is in the bank of the Nigerian. What follows is how they strike a deal to get the amount.

Grey: a CIA agent is not just an agent for the CIA but can be purchased for his services by anyone with money and access to him. His ex-wife is shot during her 2nd marriage. To the local police who do not know his CIA status, the evidence points towards him. The agent decides to find out what is going on himself to figure out that some people are not professionals anymore but are getting personal.

Dead letter: an FBI agent who is a part-time weekly episodic fiction writer for a newspaper starts to find about the dead letters which are causing postmen to die. Now being the FBI agent he has to solve the mystery himself.


TRYIN' AGAIN