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Wingmen Inc.

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Screenplay advice "Wingmen Inc."

Here is my first screenplay I've ever tried to write. Its only the first 30 pages or so. Just trying to get some thoughts. Its about three roomates who have to find an alternative living arrangement when their apartment is fumagated but because they were robbed only days earlier by two midgets, they come up with a scheme to makrte themselves as male strangers as their prospective wingmen and charge per date. Its a comedy by the way just to put it in perspective. Thanks for any feedback.


https://skydrive.live.com/redir.asp...sid=427E70C9C90E6488!102&authkey=1h0kofUg6u4$

Click on the PDF version the other is a celtx file
 
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I know. No one needs to read the whole thing I actually wasn't even expecting that. Just want a little feedback from people other than my friends and family. Just a few bits about pace and content. Thanks.
 
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I really love the concept, it has the opportunity to be a really great funny script, in its current form it is funny but I feel with some tweaking it could definitely be better.

There are some spelling and grammatical errors that need to be cleaned up, but i think more importantly you need to polish up your scenes better. as a reader i like to know where I am, get the feel for the scene. I've been to thousands of bars in my life and none of them are ever the same, something distinguishes "maggies's" from other bars, what is it?

I could be wrong but a full page montage seems like it might be too long.

Also, some of your dialogue could use some cleanup, some of it is a little bit too on the nose, and sometimes you could use a pause break to help set up what someone is saying. some of it may be grammatical as well.

Like I said, I like it, the concept has great potential. It just needs to be expanded and cleaned up a bit.
 
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Thanks man. Do you have any examples for the on teh nose so I know what to look for?

I'm not really worried yet about the grammar as I still have to go through it a couple times before I even call it finished. As for teh scene comment, do you suggest more description then with some unique qualities. The maggies scene was minor scene so I wasn't too focused on making the place unique it was more the situation that sets up how the hook came into creation...wingmen inc.

I am not sure about teh montage stuff as well. I think the montage in American Pie was long. Maybe I should do some editing on that. Any suggestions?

I actually just checked online. Most montages are 2-4 minutes long. I think my montage is more of a series of short scenes rather than a montage. Maybe I should just take out montage??
 
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Don't listen to me about the montage, i'm not sure what I was thinking, I'm doing some editing to my script and I have a montage that's at least that long, I think yours threw me because there were so many cuts and not that much description in such a short period of time.

I wouldn't take them out I like montages, it's a fun easy way to show the audience what is happeining without boring them with too many details.

I don't want to give you too many examples of where I think you should change things because then it starts to become my ideas rather than yours, but the whole exchange between Ian and the midgets feels too much like you want to tell the audience whats happening rather than showing the audience.

So far the script is only 30 pages so to say that the scene in Maggies, that encompasses 5 of those pages isn't important is tough for me to chew on. To me though the importance of the scene shouldn't matter, It still helps the reader to know what's going on.

But that was just one example, I think you can go back and add more descriptions to all of your scenes, it does add something, maybe not to the average person that will only watch it if it is ever filmed, but certainly to people who are reading it and potentially helping you make it.
 
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Yea I can see that in teh midget scene. I think you're right about the bar scene. Yea in my head I was viewing it as their attempt to scrounge up some extra cash for the new place so there wasn't any dialogue. I wanted to focus on teh comedy in Ian and Dave's parts and the budding relationship with Mike and Jane. Like I said I might just take out montage and keep it as scenes with only action which might make it an easier read.

I've been reading some scripts online and I think in my action there is some room to add unique qualities to the locations to make them more enjoyable to envision.

I wanted to make the midgets tough guys-not your typical midget. It was hard to write in not OTN but I am still tweaking it so I'll check that out.

As far as the humor, concept and pacing go what do you think?
 
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The humor is right up my alley, it's definitely the best part of the script. The concept is great, and I can't think of anything really like it, kinda like a combo of "Half baked" and "hitch".

So far the pacing seems to be right on for me, you might be able to move your first couple of scenes around so that you can start the audience off with more of a bang, but other than that I think it's got a good pace thus far.
 
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Thanks man. Now when you say move my scenes up to give more of a bang do you think the midget robbery would be better to start off? Then maybe cut to the office scene, then to MC getting home to find the notice and why they don't have money? Or maybe even arrive as teh police are leaving?
 
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Yeah that would be a really funny beginning that should take the audience by surprise and would set a really nice tone for the rest of the script.

I don't know about him arriving as the police get there but maybe that could work also.
 
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So you're saying my script is too crude? Can you give me an example? I've seen a couple successful movies that didn't really have any "light hearted" saving grace to it? What exactly are you suggesting? Thanks for your feedback.
 
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