Thoughts on the first half on my script

[joncasto]

I have written the first half of my script. I usually write by hand and than type it up after so it is a bit of a process.

I was wondering if anyone would want to take a look and any advice or pointers would be greatly appreciated.

It is a first draft so there might be a few mistakes here and there.

Thanks in advance

 

[FantasySciFi]

There are a few formatting issues. Don't use all the CAPS for objects. It's an old practice that has gone away. They should be used rarely. There are the spelling mistakes. Since the woman is on the phone and not in the car, she's V.O. or VoiceOver--WOMAN (V.O.) You only need to mention once that she's the phone voice. There are some spec scripts which write WOMAN (PHONE) but that's not univerally accepted.

Why start off with MAN. Just introduce him as RAY. How old is Ray? What is 'uniquely handsome'? Just give the WOMAN a name. Describe the room. Where is she in relation to the bed? Is she getting dressed? There's too much focus on the dialogue and not enough on giving a sense of what this place or the characters look like. "another fucking day" means nothing. As an casting director, there's not much to work with. As AD, there's not much to work with.

Unfortunately there was some really bad advice that says keep everything bland so the director has an open palette. Unfortunately, with this script, there is so little description, it comes across dull and bland.

The script starts off with such low energy, I found myself losing interest by page 8. It's a boring, dry read. You wrote "How can you be mad at a guy like Bridges?" I found him rather flat. All the characters are rather stereotypical and cardboard. The energy just keeps going down. Honestly, I don't find myself caring about any of the characters. That's a problem.

Start off with a bit more positive energy. Part of that could be his girlfriend comes around and kisses him. Have them exchange some positive words before she zips off. It's not clear what he does. Make it a bit more evident. You could even have that newspaper article on the kitchen table. His girlfriend could coo over being married to a "top of the line dick" to which he could make a sexual comeback. She laughs and dashes off. He gets up, irons his shirt and glances at his picture and the headline. Now the audience knows a bit more about him.

It has some humorous moments. Unfortunately, it's not a fun read. It feels dull and flat. As a reader, you really need to catch me in the first couple pages. The story has to get me to want to read more by page 10. As it is, it doesn't do that. Good luck.

 

[joncasto]

I appreciate the advice and take it to heart. I will go back and make changes and try to imlement some of that advice. I think I just know that I will personally direct the feature so I neglecting adding more detail for the reader.

Thanks again

 

[FantasySciFi]

If, as director, you want to use caps to highlight props, that's fine. In this case, it's more of your personal shooting script. If you were submitting this as a spec script, you would want to lose all the caps. They're not needed in a spec script.

The script is a production tool. So as writer/director you have some flexibility when shooting your own work.

I think it has real potential, it just needs to be juiced up and really draw the viewer/reader in. I might move the lottery scene to after when he leaves the Mexican restaurant. He goes from being a hotshot detective to the rich and famous to one that seems more mundane, every man. It's a nice contrast that slightly shifts the energy. Always inject some energy at the beginning of a script to get it moving.

 

[joncasto]

I was planning on having a very slow opening, show how the main character is somewhat depressed and losing interest in life. From there it would slowly escalate and get involved in some pretty wild stuff.

I do see what you mean though and will certainly beef up the opening a bit.