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This is called Don't Lose

another script I am working on


INT. DARK ROOM NIGHT MANY YEARS AGO

A small television is seen in the off position. An old shaky hand reaches over and turns the knob. The television comes on, the color is bad and the reception not much better. What we see is the BVC, Best Value Channel. The host is Phil Sporlan and today with his co-host Amber he is trying to get viewers to buy a start up baseball collection. Credits are seen in white letters with a black background after every speech. Phil is very excited about the product he is trying to sell.

PHIL
Amber today we have a set of baseball cards you can't find anywhere else. Not only can you not find this set anywhere else, it's at the lowest, rock bottom price! I look at this set then the price and think "Oh my god!"

AMBER
Great Phil, what exactly do we have here?

PHIL
I'm not kidding your going to get the Griffey rookies and the signed bat! It's unbelievable.

AMBER
Wow, that is a great deal.

PHIL
On flex pay, it's a crime not to buy this set. Buy it, put it away for the kiddies, it'll pay for their college, I swear to you don't let this offer slip you by.

PHIL
Again it's item number two-five-zero-one. We only have another thirty seconds left, we've sold over nine hundred of these sets.

PHIL
One more time, it's all of the Griffey signed rookie cards, three of the Smith second year blaster cards, very rare, you can only get those here.

AMBER
Our next item is a handy set of dish towels, with cute little ducks on them, it's item number six-six-three-five.

We pull back from the television set and see an old lady dialing the phone.

OLD LADY
Yes, I would like to order the towels.

Credits continue with music.

INT. STUDIO ~AB-7 DRESSING ROOM -- DAY

Phil Sporlan is seen getting make up applied to his face, a beautiful woman is doing the work. Phil's hair is perfect and seems very confident and very macho. He is wearing a marvelous suit, looks to be speckled with gold. Phil looks at the clock.

PHIL
It's go time! I look good.

Jumps from his chair. His swagger fills the room. Phil begins to open a door that is marked "HEAVEN".

MAKE UP ARTIST WOMAN
Good luck, Mister Sporlan. Have a great show!

Phil turns around, looks the artist up and down.

PHIL
Baby, I don't need any luck. Thank you.
(Beat)
And you can call me, Phil.

Phil opens the door and with a proud march heads for the curtain.

INT. STUDIO ~AB-7 BACK STAGE -- MOMENTS LATER

Phil is seen smiling and waving to a few of his co-workers. A crowd can be heard cheering and clapping. Phil begins to jump up and down. Now we hear the announcers voice.

ANNOUNCER
Welcome to the number one rated game show in the world, Word Jumble! And here's your number one rated host Diamond Phil Sporlan!

The Crowd goes wild. He pushes the curtain to the side and a brick wall is seen. Phil tries to get on stage but he can't seem to get past the wall. The Announcer can be heard.

ANNOUNCER
Well I guess Phil doesn't want to come on out and host a game show, what the fuck is his problem?

The crowd begins to boo and hiss. Phil beings pounding one the wall, the wall doesn't move. Phil sees his hands are bleeding badly. He begins to scream.

PHIL
I'm here! I want to host the show, I just can't get around this wall. There's a wall here! If you could just move this wall, or maybe let me know of an alternate route to the stage that would be great!

ANNOUNCER
Phil sucks, Phil sucks!

INT. PHIL'S APARTMENT 2 AM -- MORNING

Phil is seen in bed, the game show was just a dream. He quickly realizes this. He has the same dream three or four times a week. He looks at the alarm clock, resting at one minute until two. He slowly moves his arm over to it, almost challenging it. He puts his finger on the off button, but does not press it. He waits. The alarm goes off, the loudest rudest thing ever heard. He does not press the button, he let's it continue. He removes his finger. He slowly gets out of bed, unplugs the alarm. The hellish noise stops. He walks into the bathroom bringing the alarm with him.

INT. PHIL'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Phil places the clock in the sink. Phil is not as slick as he appeared in his dream or on the show many years ago. Over due for a hair cut and a shave. Heavy bags under his eyes, and no smile to be found. Has a white shirt on with yellow stains at the armpits and around the collar. He looks at himself in the mirror, closes his eyes for a moment. Looks at the clock.

PHIL
You think you have won huh? I let you win, just to show you that it doesn't bother me.

The alarm clock begins to speak.

ALARM CLOCK
Another bad dream Phil?

PHIL
Shut up!

ALARM CLOCK
This shit ain't my fault Paul, I'm just a fucking alarm clock dude.

PHIL
My name is Phil

ALARM CLOCK
Typo.

PHIL
I woke up, I woke up one minute before you went off. I have been for the last six months, I don't need you or anyone.

ALARM CLOCK
Dude chill. Don't do anything too crazy. Why don't you just shave and have a few drinks of scotch.

PHIL
Yeah, well. You're not off the hook yet buddy.

Phil is seen pouring himself a half glass of scotch. Then he leaves the bathroom for a moment coming back with two ice cubes and drops them into the drink. Takes a few sips.

ALARM CLOCK
There you go dog, your now on track. The golden path buddy, you're the man.

PHIL
I am the man! I am the man!

ALARM CLOCK
Phil, sell me something, you can do it!

PHIL
OK ladies and gentlemen, you are now looking at item number: eleven fifty-six. You need to get to your phone cause these are going fast. We're looking at a double shot of your finest scotch. Now before you say anything, know this: your not only going to get the scotch, your also getting the glass, and the two ice cubes. I haven't seen anything like this, for such a great deal. We're talking nine dollars. Nine dollars? Are we going crazy here? With out a doubt the greatest
(Beat)
Your not getting this anywhere else! You can do it on extendo pay for only three payments of three dollars.

ALARM CLOCK
You sold me man, if I could clap I would. Just throw some scotch down here man.

Phil tips the glass spilling a little on the alarm clock.

ALARM CLOCK
Oh man that's good! You weren't kidding. What a great deal.

Phil begins splashing water on his face, spays some deodorant onto his shirt and grabs a blue dress shirt. Begins to comb his hair. Grabs the phone. Dials.

PHIL
Can I get a cab, over at 137 Baltimore Lane?
(Beat)
Thanks.

INT. STUDIO ~AB-7 DRESSING ROOM --TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Phil is again seen in a chair having make up applied to his face, but this time much less glamorous. The make up artist is an old man with a cigarette hanging from his lip. Phil seems almost mad at his situation.

PHIL
Could you do something for the bags?

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
You need to get some more sleep.

PHIL
You know you're probably right, but since I go on in a few minutes and can't do that, I mean five minutes of sleep ain't helping me out. It's up to you. Help me out.

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
Oh sure sonny, I will hook you up.

PHIL
Thanks.

The make up artist gently touches the bags underneath his eyes, hardly doing anything at all.

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
There you are, presto!

PHIL
That didn't do anything.

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
Fuck you! Who am I fucking Copperfield?

MUA leaves throwing his cigarette down, Phil begins adjusting his tie and fixing his hair. Phil notices his Producer, William M. Stone, looking on.

STONE
You better slow down or there won't be anyone left, to share your life with.

PHIL
Are you trying to be funny? It sounds like you are an asshole, but maybe you are just trying to be funny.

STONE
What I mean is your fucking chasing everyone away, we can't keep bringing new people in because you have problems.

PHIL
People just don't get me, who's he anyway?

STONE
He's the new make up guy.

PHIL
What happen to Ester?

STONE
She quit, she didn't want to deal with you anymore.

PHIL
I thought she liked me.

STONE
Now you are the one trying to be funny.

PHIL
I am.

STONE
So anyway. The new co-host is waiting outside. I wanted you to know I was bringing her in before I brought her in.

PHIL
Sure, bring her in.

Phil grabs his glass and pours a little scotch in it, throws down the entire glass, shake his head.

PHIL
Bring her in. I can't wait to meet her.

STONE
Phil, I just want to let you know, if she leaves, that's it.

PHIL
What do you mean?

STONE
We aren't going to get you another co-host.

PHIL
Stone, I don't need a co-host, you know that. I could sell a candy cane to the Grinch.

STONE
The key word being could. Your numbers have been slipping and much of it has to do with your appearance.

PHIL
They haven't slipped that much.

STONE
No they haven't, if they had you'd already be gone.

PHIL
I can still do it alone.

STONE
I don't mean we won't be getting a new co-host. I mean your out, seven different people have quit this spot. The job pays real fucking good Phil, they only work like four hours a day. They still leave, they fucking run! Why? Because you have real problems.

Phil doesn't respond at first, just looks in the mirror, pours another drink for himself and almost before he can put the bottle down he finishes the drink.

PHIL
Bring her in.
 
its all flat. all of he dialogue combined reads like two "dudes" talking to each other. Your characters are empty, they just say the most obvious things like

INT. PHIL'S BATHROOM -- CONTINUOUS

Phil places the clock in the sink. Phil is not as slick as he appeared in his dream or on the show many years ago. Over due for a hair cut and a shave. Heavy bags under his eyes, and no smile to be found. Has a white shirt on with yellow stains at the armpits and around the collar. He looks at himself in the mirror, closes his eyes for a moment. Looks at the clock.

PHIL
You think you have won huh? I let you win, just to show you that it doesn't bother me.

The alarm clock begins to speak.

ALARM CLOCK
Another bad dream Phil?

PHIL
Shut up!

ALARM CLOCK
This shit ain't my fault Paul, I'm just a fucking alarm clock dude.

PHIL
My name is Phil

ALARM CLOCK
Typo.

PHIL
I woke up, I woke up one minute before you went off. I have been for the last six months, I don't need you or anyone.

ALARM CLOCK
Dude chill. Don't do anything too crazy. Why don't you just shave and have a few drinks of scotch.

PHIL
Yeah, well. You're not off the hook yet buddy.

Phil is seen pouring himself a half glass of scotch. Then he leaves the bathroom for a moment coming back with two ice cubes and drops them into the drink. Takes a few sips.

ALARM CLOCK
There you go dog, your now on track. The golden path buddy, you're the man.

PHIL
I am the man! I am the man!

ALARM CLOCK
Phil, sell me something, you can do it!

PHIL
OK ladies and gentlemen, you are now looking at item number: eleven fifty-six. You need to get to your phone cause these are going fast. We're looking at a double shot of your finest scotch. Now before you say anything, know this: your not only going to get the scotch, your also getting the glass, and the two ice cubes. I haven't seen anything like this, for such a great deal. We're talking nine dollars. Nine dollars? Are we going crazy here? With out a doubt the greatest
(Beat)
Your not getting this anywhere else! You can do it on extendo pay for only three payments of three dollars.

ALARM CLOCK
You sold me man, if I could clap I would. Just throw some scotch down here man.

Phil tips the glass spilling a little on the alarm clock.

ALARM CLOCK
Oh man that's good! You weren't kidding. What a great deal.

Phil begins splashing water on his face, spays some deodorant onto his shirt and grabs a blue dress shirt. Begins to comb his hair. Grabs the phone. Dials.

PHIL
Can I get a cab, over at 137 Baltimore Lane?
(Beat)
Thanks.

INT. STUDIO ~AB-7 DRESSING ROOM --TWENTY MINUTES LATER

Phil is again seen in a chair having make up applied to his face, but this time much less glamorous. The make up artist is an old man with a cigarette hanging from his lip. Phil seems almost mad at his situation.

PHIL
Could you do something for the bags?

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
You need to get some more sleep.

PHIL
You know you're probably right, but since I go on in a few minutes and can't do that, I mean five minutes of sleep ain't helping me out. It's up to you. Help me out.

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
Oh sure sonny, I will hook you up.

PHIL
Thanks.

The make up artist gently touches the bags underneath his eyes, hardly doing anything at all.

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
There you are, presto!

PHIL
That didn't do anything.

MAKE UP ARTIST MAN
Fuck you! Who am I fucking Copperfield?

give your characters some character and personality and learn how to write dialogue. The best way to learn to how to write dialogue is to ask screenwriter with at least 30 years of proffesional experience how people talk in movies and television. And do some research.
 
My humble opinion- for what its worth...

I was captive from the beginning all the way up to the end of the Phil/ Alarm Clock Conversation-

I did think the rest of the dialogue could've been more unpredictable, but I'm curious to see where you're going with this.

Also, while I respect the opinion of Summer05- and anyone else with an opinion, for that matter- I don't think you should concern yourself with how other people write their dialogue. Look at Quentin T.'s movies- noone talks like that in other movies- at least they didn't before Reservoir Dogs.

I think that as long as you're going to create a universe you should feel free to have it governed by your own rules. Conformity has no place in art- Why do you think Hollywood keeps making the same movie over and over and over?

I wonder if people told the producers, writers, etc, of Seinfeld: "look at professional sitcom scripts- people don't say 'Yada yada yada'! If so, its a good thing they didn't listen.

I think you showed a lot of imagination in what you wrote so far- keep going, I'd love to direct a scene like that convo with the alarm clock!

But what do I know- I'm just an ASPIRING director with no formal training?!?!?!.

Peace,
W B Epps
 
The best way to learn to how to write dialogue is to ask screenwriter with at least 30 years of proffesional experience



You make it sound like I have to go back into training.


Hey BMA if you want to direct, we'll talk
 
In lieu of not having 30 year professional screenwriters in your buddy list I'd try a more pedestrian approach to writing better dialog. Screen dialog does one thing, it moves the story along. Any dialog that doesn't do that should be cut. With that in mind, go the mall or the zoo or a bar and listen to real conversations. They are full of chit chat and random thoughts, ideas and dreams that don't go anywhere but it’s real people talking. This is real dialog. Tape some, make a transcript of a real dialog then go back and cut the stutters, the 'ums' the coughing, the random thoughts and make it take a direction toward revealing something about the characters or something that furthers the plot. You’ll be amazed at how little movie dialog takes place in real conversations.

I was taught to put on my ‘actors’ hat and become the character. Actually get inside the character and see what he/she sees and say what he/she would say. Then switch characters for a conversation. It takes practice and your dialog may end up being really one character speaking two parts. That’s a problem and you need to ‘get into’ character more deeply.

A good idea I use a lot is Final Draft will read your dialog to you. It's kind of weird having Steven Hawking do all your voices for you but it does help. A cheaper way would be to tape your self having this conversation then play it back and listen to how it sounds. Fix what you need to.

I hope this helps.

- - - - -

Critique for “Don’t Lose”

1. In the opening you have the camera pointed at a TV not getting very good reception. Unless you dolly in and break through the TV screen to reveal your protagonist in the studio then I'm pretty sure you're going to loose a lot of your audience by making them look at a fuzzy TV screen for almost a whole minute.

2. The alarm clock says, "Typo." that kind of threw me. I have no idea why it's a typo.

3. Alarm clock says, "There you go dog, your now on track." When it's actually "you're" not "your" and if you switch "you're" and "now" so it reads, "...now you're on track." I think is better.

4. Stone and Phil are having their conversation. Here is a prime example of flat dialog...

STONE
What I mean is your shitty attitude is chasing people away. I can't afford to keep training people and have them quit because you're an asshole.

PHIL
It's called inter-action, inter-communication, inter, as in between two people. If there's a problem then I'm only half of it.
(Beat.)
Who was that guy anyway?

STONE
The new make up guy.

PHIL
What happen to Ester?

STONE
She quit.

PHIL
I thought she liked me.

STONE
Now who's trying to be funny. The new co-host is here. I wanted to make sure you were ready.

PHIL
Sure, bring her in.

STONE
Mind your manners.

Phil grabs his glass and pours a little scotch in it, throws down the entire glass, shake his head.

PHIL
Yeah sure, bring her in.

STONE
Oh and ah, Phil, if she threatens to quit, we won't be finding a new co-host for you.

PHIL
No?

STONE
No, we'll find one for her.

That's just an example and mind you I just did this in five minuets but you get the idea.

5. I'm just assuming this is not the end of the screenplay because we have the same character in the end as when we started and I still don't like or sympathize with him and more to the point I don't empathize with him.
 
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