critique The Orca - 15 page Short Film - First time writing something supernatural/mystery? How successful has it been and how can I improve further?

[scrawlx1012]

Would really appreciate feedback about the following:

Is the plot small enough for a small short film or are there too many moving parts?

Are the characters interesting? How can I make them better?

How can I improve my dialogue?

What are your thoughts on my action lines?

Does my story have a good conflict?

Are the themes of my story understandable?

Regarding , the two ghosts and my main characters - do they work as separate entities or would you suggest distilling them? Personally, I think they are okay but I'd love to know what others thought?



Link to script: https://drive.google.com/file/d/19g6IkKkikWx5K-AxkYWQujSH7wodWo5i/view?usp=sharing

 

[scrawlx1012]

Any ideas?

 

[sfoster]

Personally I don't enjoy your writing style, i think it's drawn out and hard to read.

A PANICKED MAN backs away into the sitting room. He trips
over himself and lands on the carpet.
This is YAW (20).

Firstly you can't back AWAY from something and INTO it at the same time. Backing 'away into' is just terrible IMO, it's contradictory, and you're immediately off to a bad start with my entire preception of the script. Rough I know, but that's how internet criticisms go sometimes.

And see how you're drawing out that sentence and making it take longer for me to read, which is literally the ANTITHESIS of screen writing.
You're doing it all WRONG.

YAW (20), panicked, enters backward -- trips over his feel and falls to the carpet.

See that, how I'm giving the audience all the information at once instead of witholding it for dramatic tension ( who is this panicked man..?) and then delivering the answer immediately in a second line? Lol. I really hate this writing style you're doing. And then you say stuff like "he's lifeless. Dead." Like you keep doing this same thing over and over again where youre trying to make it TAKE LONGER TO READ instead of just telling me what is happening on the screen.

Busy day for me, really busy week actually so I have to stop there. good luck.

 

[scrawlx1012]

Personally I don't enjoy your writing style, i think it's drawn out and hard to read.




Firstly you can't back AWAY from something and INTO it at the same time. Backing 'away into' is just terrible IMO, it's contradictory, and you're immediately off to a bad start with my entire preception of the script. Rough I know, but that's how internet criticisms go sometimes.

And see how you're drawing out that sentence and making it take longer for me to read, which is literally the ANTITHESIS of screen writing.
You're doing it all WRONG.



See that, how I'm giving the audience all the information at once instead of witholding it for dramatic tension ( who is this panicked man..?) and then delivering the answer immediately in a second line? Lol. I really hate this writing style you're doing. And then you say stuff like "he's lifeless. Dead." Like you keep doing this same thing over and over again where youre trying to make it TAKE LONGER TO READ instead of just telling me what is happening on the screen.

Busy day for me, really busy week actually so I have to stop there. good luck.

Thank you for the feedback. This has been really helpful. I wanted to ask a question regarding parallel spacing. How can I do this more effectively? I thought witholding information is good for the supernatural/mystery genre also? Are there any scripts you recommend reading so that I can get used to writing more pacier action lines?

 

[scrawlx1012]

I have also made changes to the original script I have sent:

Hopefully the action lines are shorter now?

Together.pdf

drive.google.com

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

You wrote:

INT. BOYE FAMILY HOUSEHOLD - SITTING ROOM - DAY - FLASHBACK

YAW (20), panicked, enters backwards -- trips over his feet
and falls to the carpet.

Yaw looks up at the MASKED MAN (20s), he wears a black
tracksuit. His face hidden by a balaclava.

The Masked Man stops.

Yaw glances behind to find his brother, STEVEN (20), laying
lifeless.

Yaw screams.

Okay, I didn't read everything because to be honest? It's a bit brutal to read because of your writing. I'm not going to say it's terrible and if you're going to shoot this yourself? More power to you because you can write a short script to shoot a short film any way you want.

So with that in mind? Generally speaking... This is what strikes me about the above intro into the script.

You say Yaw is panicked. Again, if you're gonna make this yourself? No worries. Write your script any way you need to in order for it make sense and represent to you, the vision you have in your mind's eye.

Having said that? I'm a spec script screenwriter and I fix scripts so here's what strikes me about the above.

You're directing Yaw by saying he's PANICKED. Panicked is fine but it would be better to have his behavior/action tell us he's panicked. You do achieve that a bit by telling us he trips over his feet but to me personally? It's just not ENOUGH for me to read that he's really panicked. Also, he's in a house, right? He falls. Do we need you to tell us he falls to the carpet? Is not saying he falls enough? Will we not just assume he falls on the floor of the sitting room whether it's wooden or carpeted? Does it matter? Will we not simply plug a type of floor into our brain as we read through? Does it matter what type of floor, we as your reader chooses to plug into our visual?

Yes we will -- no it does not matter. Let us -- your reader -- connect the dots instead of overwriting. Overwriting slows down the read and if you're going to use any kind of a script to show prospective collaborators of any type -- to me -- it's always better if the read is FAST and FURIOUS and hard to put down. Give me -- as a reader -- any reason to stop reading and I'm gonna take it.

Make sense? Don't give me a reason to stop reading.

Next? You say The Masked Man stops. Was he moving? If so, you didn't show us that, you just tell us the Masked Man STOPS. Stops doing what? Playing a kazoo? I'm not being facetious... Just pointing out that you're not giving me the moving picture I need for MY mind's eye to completely understand what's happening here. Instead? You're making me stop reading and go back to the beginning to see if MASKED MAN was already in motion doing something which of course, he was not which means I'm done.

Now of course... If you were my buddy or an associate or family member and had asked me to read this? I'd read all the way through and give you extensive notes but I'm not so when you ask those of us to read your writing? That's fine but we're always hoping for someone who's at least read a bunch of screenplays and maybe even some good screenwriting books and is committed to really learning the craft.

That is NOT me saying you're NOT doing that. You may in fact BE doing exactly that but this execution does not represent that. Brutal? We have to be in order for wannabe screenwriters to learn.

Last but not least... Yaw falls to the carpet, glances at his brother behind him who's apparently dead and then screams. That's a lot of writing for what you're portraying. Why not have Yaw trip over his own brother and fall instead of just tripping over his own feet?

Maybe something along the lines of...

INT. BOYE HOUSEHOLD - DAY - FLASHBACK

A MASKED MAN with BLOODY KNIFE backs YAW (20) into the

SITTING ROOM

where he trips over STEVEN, his twin brother.

When his head hits the floor, Yaw sees more blood oozing
from his dead brother's mouth.

Now I'm not saying to use this or that it's better or anything like that. All I'm saying is that from what you've written above? This is the VISUAL I FELT like you were trying to represent with the writing. If not? Well? There you go. All this is subjective as hell so IF you really want to represent a specific visual with your writing and execution? Be specific. Keep it short but to the point. Let US -- your READERS -- connect the dots so we FEEL like we're a part of the overall action.

Make sense?

Good luck!

 

[sfoster]

I thought witholding information is good for the supernatural/mystery genre also?

Withholding information from the VIEWER can be good, that is your end audience and you can withhold information to create suspense to the viewer.

The problem is that you aren't doing anything to withhold suspense from the viewer and youre just withholding it from the READER which
1) slows down the reading
2) DOESN'T SHOW UP ON SCREEN

Here is an example to show you what i mean

A PANICKED MAN backs away into the sitting room. He trips
over himself and lands on the carpet.
This is YAW (20).

The viewer would immediately see the panicked man is YAW and that he is only 20, but the reader has to wait a whole extra line to find out this information.