Slasher Ending...

[mad_hatter]

Hi guys.

Anybody fancy having a read of the last 11 pages of my most recent screenplay? It's mainly dialogue, so it shouldn't take too long to read.

Not too long ago, I asked a few questions about motiveless killers and endings where the killer gets away with their crimes. Well, this is what it was for! I finally got around to finishing this off.

As this is only the ending of the script, I'd best give a little of the back story... Our protagonists are a regular group of college students, whose friends are being violently murdered by a killer known locally as "The Ripper". The script picks up at the point where Jenny, the "final girl", has been chased by the Ripper and they have ended up in her garage. Two of her friends, Claire and Adam have both disappeared, setting them up as possible killers...


Anyhow, HERE IT IS.


Does it work? Is it any good? Is it too over-complicated? Is it even remotely believable?

 

[ItDonnedOnMe]

It feels a little bit wordy to me, but some of that would come down to the performance of the actors - if they can make it feel natural I think it would work. I'd drop Jenny's last line in the main scene - it basically feels like you trying to explain yourself. I think "Why the fuck not?" is a much stronger final line.

As for being overly complicated, yes it's a little convoluted but I think it's appropriate for the genre.

 

[maz]

I think it's pretty ludicrous, but then I'm not a fan of slasher movies in general, and of course it's only the end so I've missed most of the story. Ludicrous does tend to be par for the course

Also, for me, the twist doesn't work too well because you almost work too hard at it and 'cheat' as a result.

Is it set in England? Just out of interest.

I agree with ItDonned about cutting the last line in the main scene. Scream has already been there, done that whole meta thing to death.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I like it but it feels muddied, cluttered and forced. I think part of that is your dialogue is too on-the-nose. Instead of letting the audience come to the realizations, you spell it out. You need to say less and let the audience piece it together.

I'm not sure I buy into it.

Spoiler

One, since Jenny/Ripper would know she didn't kill James and would be alone with the fake Ripper/Claire, I'm not sure she'd hold up the pretense. Two, given these are horny college students, I'm not sure that Adam would get murderous because he wasn't getting shagged by Jenny. Three, the revelation that Claire was cozying up to James after having broken up and aborted his child doesn't make psychological sense. Four, how did the police know to come there? It may be explained earlier, but that final sequence felt odd. Her explanation when they examine the scene will implicate her. Jenny killed Adam with a screwdriver, while Adam had a gun and shot Claire? If Adam was a killer, he could have simply shot Jenny.

I suppose on some level one can suspend belief but taken together they just feel awkward and contrived to get to your twist ending.

 

[mad_hatter]

Thanks for all the feedback so far, guys. Much appreciated.

Now, let's see...

I'd drop Jenny's last line in the main scene - it basically feels like you trying to explain yourself. I think "Why the fuck not?" is a much stronger final line.

Quite possibly, but she's actually repeating a line spoken by Adam earlier in the script.

...it's a little convoluted but I think it's appropriate for the genre.

Convoluted is exactly what I was going for!

...the twist doesn't work too well because you almost work too hard at it and 'cheat' as a result.

Gotcha. It's definately is forced. I'd hoped it wouldn't seem as such, but forced is exactly what it is! Not sure if I quite know how to fix that...

Is it set in England?

Yes. Any reason?

Scream has already been there, done that whole meta thing to death.

This whole screenplay takes it's cue's from "Scream", although, really, I've tried to pay homage to older slashers, such as "Happy Birthday To Me" and "Slumber Party Massacre".

...your dialogue is too on-the-nose. Instead of letting the audience come to the realizations, you spell it out.

This was, in part, intentional. Again, this is part of the homage to "old-skool" slashers.

As for your other points.... 1: I think you're absolutely right! 2: They're not quite "horny college students". Jenny is supposed to be the virginal good girl, while Adam is ment to be the nice guy. 3: The order of events would be that Claire and Adam split up, Jenny slept with Claire, Claire finds out she's pregnant, then she finds out about Jenny and Adam... If that's not clear enough, there's obviously something confusing in my writing. 4: Jenny phoned the police earlier, but, back to point 1, she probably wouldn't have done so...


To give a little more history on this, there is a strong conceptual theme to this screenplay, so much so, that, when I first wrote it, the content itself was secondary. The very first version just played out as a standard slasher, with Claire being the killer. But then, I wanted to make it more original... I was actually trying to come up with some way where everybody is just killing everybody else! I toyed with a few things but nothing worked. That led me to this.

To be perfectly honest, I already knew there were lots of problems with this, and I wasn't quite buying it myself. I just thought I'd get some others opinions. The concept behind the movie means it's not something I'd ever be able to shoot without a "real" budget anyway, so I've got plenty of time to play with it!

Looking forward to any more feedback!

Cheers!

 

[maz]

I like it but it feels muddied, cluttered and forced. I think part of that is your dialogue is too on-the-nose. Instead of letting the audience come to the realizations, you spell it out. You need to say less and let the audience piece it together.

I'm not sure I buy into it.

Spoiler

One, since Jenny/Ripper would know she didn't kill James and would be alone with the fake Ripper/Claire, I'm not sure she'd hold up the pretense. Two, given these are horny college students, I'm not sure that Adam would get murderous because he wasn't getting shagged by Jenny. Three, the revelation that Claire was cozying up to James after having broken up and aborted his child doesn't make psychological sense. Four, how did the police know to come there? It may be explained earlier, but that final sequence felt odd. Her explanation when they examine the scene will implicate her. Jenny killed Adam with a screwdriver, while Adam had a gun and shot Claire? If Adam was a killer, he could have simply shot Jenny.

I suppose on some level one can suspend belief but taken together they just feel awkward and contrived to get to your twist ending.

Pretty much my thoughts.

Spoiler

The cheating emerges out of Jenny being confused that either of the first two is the Ripper. She wouldn't be confused, and there is no need for her to pretend as they are alone anyway. It would be easy to pretend, but what would be the point?

I think it would work just as well if you remained silent on Jenny's reactions to their revelations. A bit of subtlety in the reactions so that a viewer can rewind and realise that it should have been obvious all along; gentle misdirection, rather than overtly misleading. That's the basis of an effective twist.

The only point I'd disagree with is point three. As I read it, it makes sense for Claire to involve herself back in James's life to bide her time and (presumably) create an illusion of happiness that is shattered by his untimely demise. It's certainly psychologically plausible for a nutjob

The question about England was just idle curiosity from a fellow Brit Whereabouts in England? I can't think of many slasher movies set over here.

 

[maz]

Convoluted is exactly what I was going for!

As for your other points.... 1: I think you're absolutely right! 2: They're not quite "horny college students". Jenny is supposed to be the virginal good girl, while Adam is ment to be the nice guy. 3: The order of events would be that Claire and Adam split up, Jenny slept with Claire, Claire finds out she's pregnant, then she finds out about Jenny and Adam... If that's not clear enough, there's obviously something confusing in my writing. 4: Jenny phoned the police earlier, but, back to point 1, she probably wouldn't have done so...

I think you've nailed convoluted pretty well, seeing as you seem to have lost track of your own characters in that summary The addition of the lesbian angle is novel...

Also, if Jenny is meant to be a virginal good girl, where did she get the reputation as a slut Adam accuses her of having? Is it all in his head?

I'd love to read the whole script, if you're interested...

 

[mad_hatter]

...seeing as you seem to have lost track of your own characters in that summary The addition of the lesbian angle is novel...

Christ... I've lost it. I didn't mean Jenny slept with Claire; Jenny slept with Adam.

I'd love to read the whole script, if you're interested...

That's a very kind offer. I think I'll give it anorher going over and see how I feel about it myself first. As I said, it's not something I can picture myself making any time soon, so I'd hate to seem like I'm wasting anybodys time. Once I tidy it all up, if you're still interested then, I'd love for you to take a look at the whole thing.

 

[maz]

Christ... I've lost it. I didn't mean Jenny slept with Claire; Jenny slept with Adam.




That's a very kind offer. I think I'll give it anorher going over and see how I feel about it myself first. As I said, it's not something I can picture myself making any time soon, so I'd hate to seem like I'm wasting anybodys time. Once I tidy it all up, if you're still interested then, I'd love for you to take a look at the whole thing.

Don't mean to be a pedant, but surely Jenny slept with James? Isn't Adam pissed that Jenny didn't sleep with him but did with everyone else? Which is the reason behind the query as to how she can be a virginal good girl!

And no problem on the script. I enjoy reading screenplays, and I particularly enjoy those set on this crowded little island, so feel free to get in touch when you're done

 

[mad_hatter]

Don't mean to be a pedant, but surely Jenny slept with James?

Jesus Christ....

You're right to be a pedant, I wrote the wrong name... TWICE!

I'm pretty sure all the correct names are in the correct places in the screenplay itself, but I'm going to have to keep an extra eye out foro mistakes.

Cheers, I'll be in touch.

 

[JHar888]

I can dig it, I may be a bit biased though.

 

[mad_hatter]

I can dig it, I may be a bit biased though.

Nah, that's cool. Presumably that's because you're a horror fan?

I'm a horror fan through and through. Anything I do comes from the mind of a horror fan, with the hope that other horror fans will "get it".

But if anybody appreciates it, that's great. It needs a lot of work, but, behind the story (and what you've seen here) is a great idea. I just need to figure out how best to get this idea over. I'm thinking now, slasher might not be the beat option...

Cheers!