Short script advice

[Iopsis]

Hey guys,

I'm currently writing a short script, and I'm wondering what your opinion is on it.

The synopsis is as follows:

"A not-so-distant science-fiction drama based on David, a struggling survivor of an environmental collapse. With modern Earth stripped of natural resources, humanity has crumbled to the inevitability of oxygen deprivation, with society retreating into shelters to preserve their life.

Unknown to the rest of civilisation, David is in possession of the last remaining object of mankind’s salvation – a beautiful floral object with genetically modified capabilities.
Oblivious to his destiny, and with his mental health deteriorating under the prolonged isolation and abhorrent view of humanity, his life becomes an inevitable burden of survival. However he rekindles his unfamiliar hope as he heroically rescues a female in distress, forging an emotional bond that would provide the strength and love needed on the impending quest.

Rediscovering the compassionate and selfless nature of civilisation, he draws courage to venture into the unknown on a journey to save the planet and it’s inhabitants."

The story itself follows David, a young survivor who lost his parent during an outbreak against controversial science.
Confined within his small apartment, his deteriorating perception of humanity refrains him from acting to restore the atmosphere to a level where human can once again live outdoors.

It begins with a vivid dream of his parents in Old Earth, where it was filled with joy, until he abruptly awakes in a room that has decayed from years of misuse. Clearly emotionally drained, he begins building a clearer picture for the audience of Present Earth - famine, derelict and abandoned.
He ventures outside (with aid from oxygen-supplying equipment) in search for food and water, but comes across a damsel in distress, being attacked by a mob of bloodthirsty men. Though David has pacifist nature, he runs to her aid, only to be viciously beaten.
After them leaving, she gives him some medical attention in gratuity of his help. Though David is frustrated by the abhorrent behaviour of man, there is the imminent danger of oxygen starvation, so they must promptly depart to his apartment.

Upon arrival, they discover a lot about their personality, and what they are fighting for. It becomes quite passionate between them. Later in the night, they are abruptly awoken by smashing of glass and wood as the previous mob discover their location, trying to gain entry. In a stricken panic, the girl is prompted to get a gun from under the bathtub. As they enter, a brute character lunges to attack her before being shot, killing him.
The mob flee in fear, whilst she is distressed from the killing, splattered in blood. David consoles her.

In the midst of the carnage remains the ambition and willpower to depart on an inspirational journey to change the world.
Composing their emotions, there is the realisation of the apartment being compromised.
Carefully placing the sapling in their inventory, collecting various survival gear and placing the forbidden handgun down his trousers waist, they embark outside. Exiting the apartment, they begin their journey to save humanity.

It's only a few scenes, but about 15 minutes long in length.

Thoughts?

 

[Modern Day Myth Prod. LLC]

Write it and take another look after your first draft.

 

[IndiePaul]

Interesting...

But do consider the likely budget and complexity. If you're planning on shooting it yourself or finding someone to shoot it, you may want to skip this story and keep to the present (future/sci-fi tends to be much more complex to shoot - green screen, CGI, expensive props etc) and a simpler storyline (minimum or no stunts or guns (!) - often difficult for non-pros to do right and may get talent injured etc, and no expensive props or expensive/very difficult set designs.

The story reminded me of 'Z for Zachariah', WALL-E (sapling), I am Legend (savior finds woman). That's okay - most movies/shorts remind me of something else.

If you just want to write it for experience, not filming, then rock on - do it.

 

[rayw]

THAT short is going to be expensive as h#ll to produce to its potential.
I hope you know how to do animation.

"Yeah" it'll look pretty cool, but "Yeah" it isn't really going anywhere and going to do anything unless you're really hoping to hit the jackpot and pull a Neil Blomkamp short gets picked up by Peter Jackson for development into a feature film sort of deal - which I advise against those odds.


This is "pie in the sky writing."
It's great for short stories to be printed and published but almost worthless for practical film production.

You gotta write short film stories for the cast & crew, locations, equipment, and fiscal resources YOU HAVE (or can reasonably retain) rather than for the wild and crazy sh!t you can think up!

Writing for production is a whollllllle different critter.


https://docs.google.com/document/d/102RTM1rP_jkJP1NhoFiZkQRxATOK5xiymO5V_FYM0Jo/edit
The first three of these are "pie in the sky writing", I have no way of financing the production of these and so reasonably expect anyone else to do so for non-animated production.

The fourth one could be done - if you have several Arabic actors available.

 

[WalterB]

A pacifist with a shotgun under his bathtub?

 

[Iopsis]

I'm not expecting it to be futuristic, so to speak. We're talking perhaps 10-15 years in the future.

Earth just looks like Earth, but abandoned and desolate.

Old Earth would be more bustling as opposed to abandoned.

So I'm not expecting green screens or huge variations of CGI, think more like Book of Eli. Great interior scenes, and desolate outdoor scene. However with mine, we're looking more like Chernobyl rather than desert.

I'm not looking for a huge budget, only maybe 1-2k (excluding equipment).

Thoughts?

Edit: Walter, it's more a handgun than a shotgun, and it remains under his bathtub because he morally refuses to take it out for protection, but it rapidly becomes a climatic metaphor for his change in attitude and obligation to venture to save humanity.

PS. If the idea is out of my depth, I'm going to try and use the same dialogue, but adapt it rather than scrap it.

 

[FantasySciFi]

While people are willing to suspend belief in scifi/fantasy, the absence of oxygen is a bit hard to believe. (1) all these people are outside, so they must be in suits. If not, why are they alive? Why does David need a suit? (2) Food requires plants which require oxygen. If there's no oxygen, you're not going to have food. Especially down the road after all the panic. (3) How is oxygen being produced? Glass and wood is not going to keep in oxygen if it can be smashed so easily. In this case, the science is what bothers me. It just makes the plot very implausible. It's doubtful that one plant can help save the planet. If the planet is in that bad a shape, it's extinction. (4) Where did the gun come from under the bathtub? How is it unlawful if there is no law, as shown by mob violence? (5) Why is he alone? How has he survived? Personally, I'd skip the flashback and just have a photo album that the girl finds when she's cleaning him up. It gives her a way to share her background as well. It would be interesting to hear perspective of how the disaster impacted upper and lower classes. (6) If he's that sheltered, how the heck would he know how to use the plant? Who else knows about the plant? Why venture out?

Yeah, I know that it's a short and isn't about real science, but for me it stretches believability and credibility to the point it detracts from the rest of the story. It could just as well be plague with a rare plant cure. That would be more believable. Like ModernDay suggests, write it up first.

I disagree with this costing a lot to make. It's basically three locations with three characters. It's very doable on a no/microbudget. This isn't a commercial film to make a profit. It is simply a formula driven short. However, I would work on making the premise more scientifically believable. One plant cannot replenish Earth's oxygen though it might hold a antidote for a plague. Good luck!

 

[Iopsis]

the absence of oxygen is a bit hard to believe.

I disagree. When you climb a hill, there's less oxygen. So why is it so hard to believe that there's less/no oxygen?

all these people are outside, so they must be in suits. If not, why are they alive? Why does David need a suit?

They don't need suits, all you need is an oxygen mask to survive outdoors. I didn't mention suits?

Food requires plants which require oxygen.

Plants don't require oxygen. They require Carbon Dioxide, which then produces Oxygen.

How is oxygen being produced? Glass and wood is not going to keep in oxygen if it can be smashed so easily.

Where are you even getting your information from? Oxygen deprivation doesn't make every object know to man fragile...
Trees can actually spread naturally, especially if they produce seeds (like acorns). If you plant one, they will naturally spread over time.

Where did the gun come from under the bathtub?

I didn't say it was unlawful. I said he was morally against violence. The gun came from either finding it, or his parents giving it to him. Either way, it's not an active question the audience will be asking.

Why is he alone?

Read my OP. His parents were killed from practicing controversial science. He's survived by salvaging outside. Just because outside is in a bad way, it doesn't mean there isn't food supplies within abandoned houses...

If he's that sheltered, how the heck would he know how to use the plant?

Because it was his parent's wishes to do so. He was sheltered, but it doesn't make him dumb or unintelligent. He came from an educated background.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I disagree. When you climb a hill, there's less oxygen. So why is it so hard to believe that there's less/no oxygen? Plants don't require oxygen. They require Carbon Dioxide, which then produces Oxygen. Trees can actually spread naturally, especially if they produce seeds (like acorns). If you plant one, they will naturally spread over time.

Please go back and study basic biology. It will explain 'aerobic respiration'. Outside of anaerobic bacteria, all eukaryotic organisms require oxygen. Do you have any idea how long it takes to grow a sizeable tree? Where is the ozone layer? Even if we allow for heightened CO2 levels, that will entail a massive temperature rise. If the oxygen levels have dropped so precariously, then the photosynthesis has also dropped suggesting that land vegetation can no longer support oxygen production--plants are dying.

They don't need suits, all you need is an oxygen mask to survive outdoors. I didn't mention suits?
"He ventures outside (with aid from oxygen-supplying equipment)"
"there is the imminent danger of oxygen starvation"
I guess the others are also wearing masks? Where are they getting the oxygen from? Not the privileged classes but the commoners? Is there still an economic structure in this abandoned society? Where did they all go? If you said this is taking place in the Himalayas, Alps or Peruvian Andes, I'd believe there's less oxygen. The British Isles, not so much. Oxygen starvation near sea level? That's pretty dire.

Where are you even getting your information from? Oxygen deprivation doesn't make every object know to man fragile...
I didn't say it would become fragile. I said every living object--animal and plant--would die. The buildings would likely survive. Having taught advanced placement courses in biology and chemistry with a specialization in biochemistry, I think I know a bit about this. Electricity made from coal would be outlawed. Cremations and other burning would be outlawed to conserve oxygen. This would seriously impact the economy and likely lead to the rapid accumulation of bodies. The use of combustion engines would be limited to emergency vehicles. Back before scrubbing, acid rain was much more prevalent and severely impacted human structures. Something that would require people to wear oxygen masks would require specialized communities for survival. It's that level of dystopic visualization that would make your short so expensive to film to appear realistic. If you want people to walk around with face masks, that's fine. It will just seem unbelievable. Perhaps you would instead suggest there are high concentrations of pollutants.

I didn't say it was unlawful. I said he was morally against violence. The gun came from either finding it, or his parents giving it to him. Either way, it's not an active question the audience will be asking.
"... placing the forbidden handgun down his pants"
Forbidden by whom? Actually, I'm asking it as a viewer. And others like me will ask the same questions watching this. That is why you need to be thoughtful as the writer. As presented, it's flawed. If he's against violence, why keep a loaded weapon out in the open? At the end he is suddenly okay with it, having never used a gun? Does he or she shoot the lunging hulk? Since she's reaching for it, I envisioned she shot him.

Read my OP. His parents were killed from practicing controversial science. He's survived by salvaging outside. Just because outside is in a bad way, it doesn't mean there isn't food supplies within abandoned houses. Because it was his parent's wishes to do so. He was sheltered, but it doesn't make him dumb or unintelligent. He came from an educated background.

How long have they been dead? How old was he when they died? Have you looked at the expiration labels of the food in your own pantry? After 10 years, not so much remains. And if the people left, where would they go? What is "controversial science" exactly? Did they teach him their science? Unless the house is hermetically sealed, the inside is in an equally bad way. And I hope his hermetically sealed apartment has a greenhouse. If it does, shouldn't he just be a vegetarian? How is he caring for this plant? Are there more than one should it die?

"Oblivious to his destiny, and with his mental health deteriorating under the prolonged isolation and abhorrent view of humanity, his life becomes an inevitable burden of survival."
vs. "Because it was his parent's wishes to do so."

He's not oblivious if he's choosing not to act on his parent's wishes. His parents kept him isolated even during the "good times"? If he has the gun, did he consider suicide? Is that why it's in the bathroom? Even in a short, the writer needs to be thinking about the details to make it believable to a large degree.

The sense I get is that you want to focus on the relationship between the guy and the girl with the symbolism of the flower and their sexual union. The heroic orphan saves the day with the magic grail that heals the kingdom. You obviously have a very detailed story in your head. Write it up. The science is flawed but so was "Sharknado". You're certainly on target with "controversial science". You're trying to defend your story when you need to be taking the feedback about these problems to address them in your script. All we can do is give you objective feedback. What you choose to do with it is up to you. I'm not saying your story is bad and that you should abandon making the movie. What I am suggesting is that your script needs to address these issues so viewers focus more on the story and less on the scientific implausibilities. Cheers.

 

[IndiePaul]

I'm not expecting it to be futuristic, so to speak. We're talking perhaps 10-15 years in the future.

Earth just looks like Earth, but abandoned and desolate.

Old Earth would be more bustling as opposed to abandoned.

So I'm not expecting green screens or huge variations of CGI, think more like Book of Eli. Great interior scenes, and desolate outdoor scene. However with mine, we're looking more like Chernobyl rather than desert.

I'm not looking for a huge budget, only maybe 1-2k (excluding equipment).

The folks here have a lot of experience, I'd heed them.

Based on your vision, I don't think you're going to be able to come close for 1-2k. A gun, a fight with a mob, Book of Eli type outdoor and indoor locations yet you're in the UK, breathing apparatus etc.

You can't just turn up at battersea power station (a bit Chernobyl like for those that live outside London) and film - permits, insurance, lighting etc is needed.

It's near impossible to go guerilla-style when you want a bunch of men fighting with a woman and your male lead outside, etc. if anyone gets the wrong idea and calls the cops or some cast member gets injured (and sues) - due to no stunt training etc...

If you decide to go for it anyway, fair enough, it's your call but you're biting off a hell of a lot. Let us know how it goes.

 

[Iopsis]

The sense I get is that you want to focus on the relationship between the guy and the girl with the symbolism of the flower and their sexual union. The heroic orphan saves the day with the magic grail that heals the kingdom. You obviously have a very detailed story in your head. Write it up. The science is flawed but so was "Sharknado". You're certainly on target with "controversial science". You're trying to defend your story when you need to be taking the feedback about these problems to address them in your script. All we can do is give you objective feedback. What you choose to do with it is up to you. I'm not saying your story is bad and that you should abandon making the movie. What I am suggesting is that your script needs to address these issues so viewers focus more on the story and less on the scientific implausibilities. Cheers.

Thanks for the advice. It's not that i'm ignorantly defending as such, but I assumed I'd addressed the basic scientific principles to make this believable, but I guess not!

But yeh, I'm trying to focus on the narrative and character development rather than scientific plausibility. And judging from everything you've just mention, to create an immersive environment for this story to take place, it seems I'm probably a little out of my own depth.

I guess I'll carry on with the core principles of narrative structure, characters, themes and dialogue, and then perhaps i'll alter the scenario they are placed within to make it more cost efficient - such as changing it into modern society, and changing the floral object for something relevant to the new situation they are placed within.

I guess the problem I have is thinking of a compelling story idea thats confined within common society, especially when it's a short - features are a bit different. That's because every joe blog can write a trivial short, and shoot it out in the sunlight, with it looking good. Hence why I try to visual things like "Loom"

Back to the drawing board.

 

[IndiePaul]

Thanks for the advice. It's not that i'm ignorantly defending as such, but I assumed I'd addressed the basic scientific principles to make this believable, but I guess not!

If someone disagrees it's sometimes best to just let it go, not respond. I find taking that route can prevent a lot of on-line/forum stress.