• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Script up for limited time

D

danjama

Here is a short script of mine at scribd:

http://www.scribd.com/doc/35867563/A-Will-To-Forget

I'll leave it up until around Tuesday. Feel free to have a read and let me know what you think.

No pressure to critique or give notes, but would be helpful since i've only been screenwriting since February. I'm easy.

The script is written with a low budget in mind, as a possible first project of my own when I get some equipment this winter, but we'll see. I have a couple of friends interested in it too, so who knows. Feels like every new script I write is going to be my own first project.

Thanks for taking a look. If you need some persuasion, the logline:

A self-centred girl is forced into re-thinking her lifestyle and personality, as she is reminded of a past she had long forgotten.
 
Sort by date Sort by votes
feedback

dude,

i don't have time to read your script but i'm not inspired by the logline. there's gotta be something more unique to it than what you've stated. i'm from london. lived in L.A. since 1989. all the best brutha.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I don't want to give too much away in the logline. It's only 13 pages, not a long read by anybody's standards.

Thanks for the logline input though. You're right, I rushed it and didn't put enough thought into it. Probably because i'm the sort of person who normally just skips other peoples loglines and jumps right into the script.
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
I read it. I just started learning about scriptwriting so I can only give you my opinion on the story itself, not the "craft".
I was into it up until after the
park scene. I actually thought it was going to go the way of "Saw". But when the plot revealed itself I thought it was a bit too random, there was no background or subtle details connected to the Holocaust, or Jews, etc.. throughout the story, that would hint to this. I also think the theme or moral is a bit blurry.
Also, the fact that she got rapped be a bit too dramatic, if you want her to wake up "enlightened", realistically there would be some post-trauma involved. Maybe robbed and knocked out would work better.
I believe it has potential, it just needs to be shaped up. I'm no expert though :)
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
I tried to link the finale via the "veteran collector" in the high street, but maybe that is a bit too subtle. I just don't want to be too obvious about the theme early on, or where it's going. Also, I wanted it to have a surreal edge to it.

Thanks for your input guys, i'll have to work on this. Also a big thanks to Buddy Greenfield for his in-depth feedback and help via PM.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top