And where was the advice? You just repeated what you said before. Plus you gave me no real guidance, I know all about plotting ahead and all that, there are motivations, the characters don't have to be likeable but why would you hate [them].
The advice is that you learn to develop your characters and tell a story (why) not series of events (what). That is a VERY DIFFICULT concept for beginners. Motivations come from within the characters, there not imposed on the characters. A police officer is expected to perform in a certain way. However, the internal factors can cause them to act as expected or differently. This can even be situational. If you label a character as "pickpocket" and make them behave in a stereotypical way, then they become very flat and uninteresting. Main characters have to be interesting which means they have some element that makes the audience relate to them. At least some of the characters have to be likeable or the film becomes low energy, unlikeable, dead.
The story would be about a man who gets caught doing a crime and a woman helps him, that's a story. The plot is about a man who gets caught doing a crime and a woman helps him because she likes him, that's a plot. Did you ever stop and think about it more deeply instead of fussing over all the little details? They don't matter, it's the whole picture that matters and how could it be far fetched when it's based on a true story?
Actually that's not a story. As I mentioned, you keep writing your characters in a very flat, lifeless way. It reads like stick figures running through a series of actions without any emotions. There's no development. And the problem is your writing never really brings out those elements.
As a professional reader/script consultant, I want you to be successful. I can tell you they do matter. Or you could pay another professional to be 'mean' and tell you the truth. You simply don't have a sense of story. Which is why you REALLY need to take some classes or read books on writing. I would suggest again that you read Blake Snyder's "Save the Cat".
So to help you see what I mean, I've re-written the first portion. If I were writing this as a story, I would not have the pickpocket hold a knife on the girl. That's just stupid even if reality. The purpose is to make a story that entertains.
I would then build the story such that it follows a "six act" structure.
PLOT SUMMARY:
Act 1 - Set Up (introduce the characters and situation)
An obnoxious businessman (James) attempts to woo a young waitress (Rosie).
Act 2 - New Situation or Complication
A family friend (Earl/Sick Man) comes in along with a stranger (Rhys). Unfortunately, Earl only aggravates James. Rhys attracts the waitress' interest. Unfortunately, Rhys is also a pickpocket taking Earl's wallet.
Act 3 - Plan of Action to Succeed (throws self in headlong)
Rhys orders a large meal and plans to pay for it with Earl's money. He flirts with Rosie. James feels ill and blames Earl sneezing on his food.
Act 4 - Complications and Higher Stakes (major setback)
Earl offers to pay for him. Unfortunately, Earl realizes his wallet is missing and tries to con James into paying through a ruse.
Act 5 - Final Push to Succeed (suspenseful moment, climax)
Earl is about to leave when James attacks him. Rhys rushes in to separate them with Rosie. Rhys points out that Earl's wallet is under his table and probably fell out earlier. Earl gives James back the money and James leaves (and sneezes).
Act 6 - Resolution and the Ever After
Earl pays for Rhys' dinner despite his objection. Rosie asks to see Rhys again. Rhys leaves and pulls out a wallet which has James' picture and flips through the money.
Objective story: A pickpocket attracts the attention of a waitress.
Subjective story: Two wrongs don't make a right but may get you the girl.
So in each case:
Rhys (Pickpocket): has a soft spot but also survival instincts (starts: conning, ends: attracted)
Earl (Sick Man): hard up for money and willing to connive to survive. (starts: proud, ends: embarrassed)
Rosie (Waitress): has led a hard life and would like something better but can't leave her mum (starts: aloof, ends: attracted)
James (Businessman): germ-a-phobic, pretentious, feels entitled (starts: assured, ends: rejected)
Code:
INT. SMALL BISTRO – DAY
A picture window and door face a display case filled with
various sandwich meats. Four small tables barely occupy a
space in a rundown bistro. A dirty ceiling fan revolves
overhead with dim lighting. The kitchen hides behind a
rusty, squeaky door.
A red-head waitress, ROSIE (early 20s), wipes a creaking
table with a distant gaze.
The bell rings as the door opens.
Rosie looks up to see JAMES (late 20s) enter. Smartly
dressed in his business suit, he saunters to the case and
waits.
Rosie heaves a sigh, walks over and grabs a menu from
behind the counter. She leads him over to a central table
where he sits.
ROSIE
The usual?
He picks up the menu by the corners and gives a casual
glance.
JAMES
My offer stands. I can’t understand
why you …
ROSIE
- so a tuna sandwich with melted
cheese, no chips and iced tea, no
ice.
JAMES
I could show you a good time, if you’d
give me a chance.
James hands her the menu then pulls out a disinfectant
wipe and cleans the tabletop. Rosie rolls her eyes.
ROSIE
Look, James, you seem like a –
The bell rings EARL (50s), a rotund man, enters. His eyes
and nose are red. He pauses to pull a hanky from his
pocket and sneezes.
He waddles over to a table beside James and collapses into
the chair.
EARL
‘Ey, Rosie. Leave it to me wife to
gimme ‘er cold.
Rosie walks over.
ROSIE
Eh, it’s like you to blame the missus
for everything. What can I getcha?
He smiles, laughs which breaks into a cough.
EARL
I think just a hot tea, maybe a kebab,
And some acetamol.
Rosie smirks and heads back into the kitchen.
EARL
(to James)
Ay, you got kids?
James’ nose wrinkles and he shifts to put some distance
between them.
JAMES
I have to find the right woman first.
James nods his head towards the kitchen door.
Earl gives a broad grin, nods then bursts into a coughing
spell. James shifts with evident disdain.
EARL
Rosie’s a tough catch.
The bell rings.
A tall, thin young man with dark features enters. RHYS
(mid 20s) walks to the counter. His clothes are a bit rumpled
and he has a neckerchief tied about his neck. He glances
about warily.
Rosie exits and sets a glass of water on Earl’s table. Then
glances up to see Rhys. She straightens and tidies herself
a bit before walking over.
RHYS
It always smells so delicious from the
outside. Today I told myself, Rhys, you
need to find out what that is.
Rosie looks at him, shakes her head, grabs and menu and
leads him to a table beside Earl.
ROSIE
I’ll take your order when –
RHYS
I’ll have whatever the cook’s making
that smells so good.
ROSIE
Well, that would be for dinner. My mum’s
making her award winning roast.
Rhys frowns. He looks over the menu then gazes up into
her eyes.
RHYS
Your mum’s cookin’ is torturin' my taste
buds. What would you recommend for a
hard workin’, starvin’ man?
Rosie’s face slowly breaks into a smile.
ROSIE
Well, I would personally –
Earl sneezes violently sending his water spilling. James
jumps as sneeze drops land on his table.
Rosie dashes over to get a rag to mop up the spilled water.
James picks up and moves to the farthest table. He pulls
out his wipes and begins cleaning his table which rocks and
creaks.
JAMES
Rosie, I need a new table.
Rosie glares back at him as she wipes up the water.
RHYS
(to James)
You can have mine, ol’ boy.
James nods thanks and moves to Rhys’ table. Rhys grabs
a rag and helps dab up the water from Earl’s table and
pants. Rosie looks over at him.
Rhys shoots a smile, finishes and moves to the new table.
His eyes follow her.
Rosie glances at Rhys as she leaves with the glass and rag.
Rhys glances down at his lap, unfolds the rag to reveal
a leather wallet. Inside is Earl's photo and several pound
notes.
Earl gives a questioning look at Rhys.
EARL
You work out at Sunderby’s?
Rhys' attention snaps back and focuses on Earl.
RHYS
Huh?
EARL
The neckerchief and attire.
RHYS
Right! No. My dah worked there for
many years. Since passed.
EARL
Sorry to ‘ear that.
Rosie comes back with a tray and sets it down. She
delivers a teacup and teapot to Earl along with a kebab.
She takes an iced tea over to James. She sets a small
plate with bread and a slice of beef in front of Rhys.
Rhys pauses and looks up at her. Rosie leans in to whisper.
ROSIE
Mum let me give you a slice of her roast
to sample.
She stands back and winks.
James watches and his face grows red.
JAMES
How much longer on my order?
Rosie scowls and looks over.
ROSIE
It’s up next, James. I only have two
hands, you know.
She grabs the tray and returns to the kitchen.
EARL
(to Rhys)
I think tha’ girl might be taken a shinin’
To you.
There are noises from James’ table behind Earl.
etc.
Good luck with your future writing endeavors.
