Rate my writing please

[pringleman]

Hi guys,

Well I'm starting to write for others now and I would just like to share what I have done in light of making it the best it can be.

To let you know this comes from a feature script which has been known in many peoples opinions to be poorly constructed and ever changing for example the future director of it and funder who wants it made, is on its 11th version. He basically dictates to the writer what to write type of process.

I was not in on the gig when they(another writer) first started although I knew about it. In my opinion they just didn't start the writing process correctly for example not having a guide of which to follow and stick to from the offset. The story has been written progressively realizing mistakes as they go and then fixing them. :S

Anyway it's now coming to the end and I have been asked to write a new ending to the funders spec. We were also toying with making a short film for a festival but that is not happening any more.

Realizing how difficult making a great short is and knowing the constraints of having to use the feature film as a basis I tried my best to condense down the 'gist' of the original features story into what would have been a 5min short and more of a trailer type at that.

However knowing that there were possibly too many themes still going on we would have shot enough footage to make the story shorter and singular concentrating on one aspect which is the supernatural angel theme. The funder wants to do the kickstarter thing also so to kill two birds with one IE. make the short for the festival and a longer trailer for kickstarter with more detail etc.

I would like any all criticism if you guys could spare it. I am really trying to get my writing up to a professional standard(ready to send out) if it is not already close. Just to clarify, there is the new ending for the feature film (4 pages) and a trailer/short version(8 pages)

Much appreciated!

http://www.mediafire.com/view/0vucxfp66o3a78l/The spirits Trailershort.pdf

http://www.mediafire.com/view/ay4rjha97our7ir/The spirits _11_new ending.pdf

 

[baoliun]

Read just few scenes and it is quite cluttered and confusing even for prose.

 

[pringleman]

Read just few scenes and it is quite cluttered and confusing even for prose.

Hi thanks for you words,

So would you say it's a "poorly written" issue or a fact that there is just too much squeezed into those 8 pages. Are you also referring to both scripts or just the trailer version?
Much appreciated!

 

[Liv]

If you want brutal honesty, it was poorly written. I cringed at the three uses of "smartly" all in the same action sequence. There was no character introduction at all (you can't just say "TOM and MARY watch the wedding"). Because you didn't bother to introduce your characters, they all seemed like flat cardboard cutouts. Most writers have a problem with too much lavish scene description, but you had absolutely zero, which made it difficult for me to picture where the story was. Lastly, the characters all sounded the same; in rhythm, cadence, tone, everything. It was boring. When the wife was killed, I honestly didn't care

Well, you asked for honesty. I think you should go back to the basics. Read some screenplays (American beauty, silence of the lambs, pulp fiction, good will hunting) and see how the pros do it. You may also benefit from the book "dialogue secrets" and "writing for emotional impact"

Good luck

 

[directorik]

You fall into the standard beginner mistakes – just about all
of them.

You use “we” often. I know you see that in screenplays – you
also have read a lot of screenplays that don't use it. Are you
using “we” for a reason?

You use “starts”. That indicates something is about to happen.
A script should be written in the present. Tom doesn't “start”
to do football tricks, he does football tricks.

You start a scene description with, “Enter on to our 10 a side
football match.” I don’t know what that means. When you say
“our 10” who are you talking about?

“Leroy now pulls out knife”, “Tom now falls to the floor” is, in
my opinion, poor writing. Do you really need the word “now”?
Do you feel the reader may thing this happened in the past or
will happen in the future so you need to mention it's happening
now? And you use “now” often.

And you use present progressive a lot. “is walking” is used to
indicate a secondary action continuing up until or while the main
action - the sentence's primary verb – occurs. Bring the reader into
the primary action by using "walks" rather than "is walking".

All in all it's such a difficult read it's not enjoyable.

 

[IndiePaul]

+ 1 on what directorik wrote.

I did a quick read. Decided there were too many issues for me to quickly comment on so simply stopped and did not reply (as addressing all the issues would require too much time).

Read lots of pro screenplays. The 40+ pro screenwriting tip articles on the site in my sig will help too. Also: johnaugust.com

 

[maz]

I only read the first link (trailer?) and it needs a lot of rewriting, I'm afraid. It reads altogether too breathless to be a coherent screenplay; too much redundant use of "now" and confusing progressive tense.

In terms of "professional standard", it's a long way off.

 

[FantasySciFi]

The importance of proper formatting is that it creates a fairly reliable gauge for estimating production time, screen time, production scheduling and budget development. As Directorik and IndiePaul point out, these do not meet production-level formatting. Just from the rough read, I suspect your "4 page" is closer to 8 pages. That translates to about 6-8 screen minutes and about 16-24 shoot hours (2-3 days). Given the number of locations (21!), you are probably looking at much longer. Then you need to add in time for editing and post-production. While you talk about the script as the "gist of the story", on the craft side, you need to think of the script as a production blueprint. A trailer usually is just highlight moments to sell the movie and may not even represent the 'gist'.

To let you know this comes from a feature script which has been known in many peoples opinions to be poorly constructed and ever changing for example the future director of it and funder who wants it made, is on its 11th version. He basically dictates to the writer what to write type of process.

I was not in on the gig when they(another writer) first started although I knew about it. In my opinion they just didn't start the writing process correctly for example not having a guide of which to follow and stick to from the offset. The story has been written progressively realizing mistakes as they go and then fixing them.

A typical trailer will start with a clip of the first challenge, individual character highlight shots and end with a clip from the action in the second challenge. It is hard to create a trailer without having shot the entire movie. Not impossible, but I would be sure that I had a solid treatment for the feature.

The promo, on the other hand, can be shot from the first 12-20 pages (the introduction of the characters and first challenge), so the ending need not be worked out since the transition from act 1 to act 2 is the resolution of the first challenge lending itself to resolved short.

But echoing what others have said, I find the referenced scripts poorly written and hard to read. It would make them difficult to use to shoot. The highlighted areas are common beginner mistakes.

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