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lol, it is funny.

i would recommend that it took place while something else was going on instead of just standing the kitchen. u know the whole best exposition is given in context of something else thing.

:)
 
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yo!

what exactly is the script you're working on?
a short film you plan to direct yourself?
a feature you want to sell?
are you just brainstorming?

Honestly you need to describe what Kady and Rachel are doing more than what they are saying. If you can ever getting away with "showing" the audience what you're trying to tell them rather then "saying" it, then show it. Think of what Francois Truffaut did. In "Shoot the Piano Player" He had the main character walk up to the door of the hotshot producer who was going to make him famous, and he trembled at the door, paused before he touched it, and was afraid to go in. This tells a lot about the character and we learn the fact that he's very shy and insecure.

What is Rachel's favorite movie? Kady's favorite type of food? Do they like animals? If so what? How were there childhoods? These are questions you need to ask in character development. When I construct a story I always start with the character. You can also start with the plot.

Also, you didn't really introduce the character of Jamie and I didn't know where they worked or what they did. I feel you need more conflict. Because drama = conflict. Think of making scenes that will grab peoples attention so much they can't take their eyes off of the screen. Like "Pulp Fiction" for instance when Jules and Vincent talk about McDonalds burgers in other countries and how you can order a beer at some McDonalds.

It's funny you're writing at this time. I myself am working on some character development for a screenplay i'm trying to put together in 2-5 days. It's going to be a good test and the first draft will probably come out horrible, but it will help me in the long run.

Some of the dialogue is neat, and I love the character of Kady.

- danny
 
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getsmiley.php


Cracker Funk said:
Laaaaaaaame. Typing is now severely limited, basically not possible.
Click to expand...
 
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I think you've got a nice style of dialog. It definitely made me laugh
a few times.

I'll agree that it was quite expository at times. Show. Don't tell. It
helps to say the dialog out loud when you're writing. And think in
terms of, if both the characters talking already know something,
why would one of them say it. That's why you get characters like
Troi on TNG, she's there to be the dumb one that asks 'what are
we doing here' so then someone can explain it to her, and thus,
the audience.

That was rambly, sorry. I do think you're scene works really well
as a brainstorming tool for a larger piece. I love the humor. Just
create a situation where we can see the back story or character
attributes instead of being told. Think in terms of subtext.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subtext

The recent Cohen brothers film, A Serious Man, is an excellent
example of a character we get to know mainly through subtext.
It's not the most entertaining films (definitely a film you only get
to make after you win an oscar :P), but the screenplay/writing is
fantastic. I'd recommend it as an educational tool.
 
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I liked it. It needs to tell more though. you've got me curious about kady's criminal life. Im assuming she is a theif or a robber. very interesting.

@DREADY: TNG is awesome. Troi was an awesome character but data is my favorite.
 
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Ditto what everyone else said. A couple of other things to add too. Presuming these are your main characters, it's advisable to describe their appearance, even if just the basics. Think visual. Also, please don't feel the need to include 'continued' at the top and bottom of every page. We know the story continues until fade out. Keep up the writing!

-Robert
 
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TruEsTaR said:
yo!

what exactly is the script you're working on?
a short film you plan to direct yourself?
a feature you want to sell?
are you just brainstorming?

Honestly you need to describe what Kady and Rachel are doing more than what they are saying. If you can ever getting away with "showing" the audience what you're trying to tell them rather then "saying" it, then show it. Think of what Francois Truffaut did. In "Shoot the Piano Player" He had the main character walk up to the door of the hotshot producer who was going to make him famous, and he trembled at the door, paused before he touched it, and was afraid to go in. This tells a lot about the character and we learn the fact that he's very shy and insecure.

What is Rachel's favorite movie? Kady's favorite type of food? Do they like animals? If so what? How were there childhoods? These are questions you need to ask in character development. When I construct a story I always start with the character. You can also start with the plot.

Also, you didn't really introduce the character of Jamie and I didn't know where they worked or what they did. I feel you need more conflict. Because drama = conflict. Think of making scenes that will grab peoples attention so much they can't take their eyes off of the screen. Like "Pulp Fiction" for instance when Jules and Vincent talk about McDonalds burgers in other countries and how you can order a beer at some McDonalds.

It's funny you're writing at this time. I myself am working on some character development for a screenplay i'm trying to put together in 2-5 days. It's going to be a good test and the first draft will probably come out horrible, but it will help me in the long run.

Some of the dialogue is neat, and I love the character of Kady.

- danny
Click to expand...

It is literally just a random scene from a story that's been in my head for years. I've always thought I would direct it, I don't like the idea of selling my screenplays. But I don't really have any realistic plans to make this any time in the near future. It would be a feature though, not a short.

This scene would be about half way through (if I wrote it all down) so the characters and their jobs and their relationships would have been established. Like I said, it's just a random scene.
Rachel's favourite movie would be 'The Incredible Story of Two Girls in Love'. Kady's favourite food is pasta. They don't have any animals in their lives, but they don't not like them. Rachel would have a tendency to get clucky over cute little puppies and kittens while Kady would be more apt to roll her eyes and walk away. Rachel's childhood was quite run of the mill, her parents live interstate so she rarely sees them and she is an only child. Kady's childhood consisted of a drug addled, stripper/prostitute mother and a slew of unsavoury father figures. Jamie was raised by her uncle after her parents died in a car crash when she was four. He was a detective for the the CJC and then the CMC but he also died of a heart attack when Jamie was 18.
Jamie and Kady own several clubs, some night clubs, some adult clubs, as well as several other less lucrative businesses like car washes, coin operated Laundromats and liquor stores. There main place of business though is the club they bought for $20,000 dollars when they were 21, using a loan from their boss and blackmailing the current owner with doctored pictures, forcing him to file for bankruptcy so they could be justified in paying such a minimal price. They refurbished the club and re-opened as 'Crush', becoming completely independent of their old boss, a man named Julius, and they promptly take over his territory. As a thank you for the start up loan they pump him full of bullets and throw his weighed down body into a river. (There is a very important reason that they betray their boss, but I'm not going to explain the whole plot lol).

This is a story and these are characters that have been with me since I was 16.

Thanks for your feedback, good luck with your script :)
 
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Dreadylocks said:
I think you've got a nice style of dialog. It definitely made me laugh
a few times.

I'll agree that it was quite expository at times. Show. Don't tell. It
helps to say the dialog out loud when you're writing. And think in
terms of, if both the characters talking already know something,
why would one of them say it. That's why you get characters like
Troi on TNG, she's there to be the dumb one that asks 'what are
we doing here' so then someone can explain it to her, and thus,
the audience.

That was rambly, sorry. I do think you're scene works really well
as a brainstorming tool for a larger piece. I love the humor. Just
create a situation where we can see the back story or character
attributes instead of being told. Think in terms of subtext.
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Subtext

The recent Cohen brothers film, A Serious Man, is an excellent
example of a character we get to know mainly through subtext.
It's not the most entertaining films (definitely a film you only get
to make after you win an oscar :P), but the screenplay/writing is
fantastic. I'd recommend it as an educational tool.
Click to expand...

What part was talking about something they already know? I should probably re-read it lol.
What's TNG? I've never heard of it :/
Thanks for your feedback, I'm glad it made you laugh :) That was pretty much the aim of it, just to be funny (and introduce a conflict that will eventually lead to bad, bad things, lol). Thanks :)
 
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rlf1810 said:
Ditto what everyone else said. A couple of other things to add too. Presuming these are your main characters, it's advisable to describe their appearance, even if just the basics. Think visual. Also, please don't feel the need to include 'continued' at the top and bottom of every page. We know the story continues until fade out. Keep up the writing!

-Robert
Click to expand...

This scene would probably be about half way through, so I figure characters have already been described. Plus I think anything I write I wouldn't want to sell, so I tend to not go into detail about appearance and whatnot (aside from age) because I know what they would look like lol. I realise the description of a character says a lot about them, but my point is, I'm only writing it for me right now and I already know that stuff. Does that even make sense? Sometimes it's hard for me to explain what I mean lol.
Thanks for your feedback :)
p.s. I didn't actually put the continued in, celtx does that automatically when you convert to pdf lol
 
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you could go in so many direction with what you got now. Is kady going to marry rachel? Is kady going on the run due to a failed jewel heist. Is rachel going to get with the new girl at work?
 
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gooberman said:
you could go in so many direction with what you got now. Is kady going to marry rachel? Is kady going on the run due to a failed jewel heist. Is rachel going to get with the new girl at work?
Click to expand...

It's funny that you ask those questions in particular cause I could actually answer them all if you really wanted me too. And once you you know the answers you will know why I chuckled when I read that :P
 
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Alrighty, but don't say I didn't warn you....
Kady flat out refuses to marry Rachel and this leads Rachel to realise that Kady is never going to commit to her. Kady cites her dangerous job as the reason for this, saying she can't give Rachel what she wants. Rachel finally accepts defeat and leaves the house. However, something is amiss. The right hand man of Kady & Jamie's main opponent has followed Kady home & is waiting for her to come outside so he can gun her down. Because Rachel was already there before Kady (& the shooter), he thinks Kady is alone. As Kady hurries down the stairs to chase after Rachel, Rachel opens the front door and is shot dead. Kady races to her & fires at the car, seeing the shooter clearly before he gets away unharmed. She then drops to her knees in the pool of blood surrounding Rachel and begs her not to die. Kady says that she'll d anything, she'll marry her, she'll wear a dress, they can invite her family. But no words will bring her back. Kady crouches there, cradling her dead girlfriend in her arms, crying like her soul is being torn apart.

As for Kady's downfall, (and the new girl) Things are kind of complicated. Cara, who is apparently quite ditzy is actually an undercover cop. Kady & Jamie are being thoroughly investigated. Only problem for the cops is that Cara is rapidly falling under Kady's spell.
Once Jamie forces Kady out of the depression she sunk into after Rachel's death (by putting her in the shower & turning the cold water on then slapping her silly) they go after their enemy. One of their employees finds the shooter, and if you saw my post about a deranged killer setting someone on fire will playing that 'gasolina' song, this is where that goes. To try and save himself the shooter tells Kady anything he thinks might earn her mercy, including a rather handy, if trivial titbit about his boss.
Unfortunately before she left to take care of the shooter Cara saw what Kady was packing in her boot & now the hunt for specific evidence is on. And Kady is losing it, so she's getting sloppy.
Jamie thinks of a way to use the information from the shooter to get past their enemy's security & manages to slit his throat.
But by dealing with their obvious problems, they have made it hard for themselves. The police investigations are growing...

To be honest, I haven't actually decided how it will end. I've re-written this story so many times in different formats it's barely recognisable from it's first incarnation. In one version Kady killed Jamie to stop her testifying against her. But in that version they grew quite old. A lot of it was very different. In fact, I think Kady was straight in those first few versions. She had a boyfriend who got killed, but his death was deliberate. I just remembered that. Wow.

Anyway. Aren't you glad you asked. I'm gonna stop typing now lol :P
 
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WOW...You killed Rachel! i didn't see that coming. I do remember your other post about burning your character reservoir dogs style and i don't think that would be plagiarism as it's happened in real life. Iv seen it on A&E. I think kady should go after the killers one by one grusomely killing them saving the boss for last. that would be awesome!
 
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