I don't feel like you brought the reader "into the world"
Below is a movie that begins with two friends talking in a coffee house.
Swingers
See how the reader is led into this world the hollywood hangout and the young dreamers who dwell there.
see what I mean?
best of luck
Example Swingers...
EXT. HOLLYWOOD - NIGHT 1
The soundtrack opens with Frank Sinatra's "Fly Me to the
Moon".
A HELICOPTER SHOT OF THE L.A. basin.
The pool of golden light disintegrates into the thousands of
points which constitute it as we rapidly draw closer to the
city.
We are just above the tops of the highest buildings as we
approach Hollywood Boulevard. Below is neon and the icy
thrust of search lights rotating on the corner of Hollywood
and Vine.
We continue west, then quickly north.
There is the momentary appearance of the moonlit HOLLYWOOD
sign as we pass the blinking red beacon of the Capital
Records building and drop into Franklin avenue and over the
101.
Architectural remnants of Hollywood's past whip up. We are
heading east at treetop level. A warm glow in the distance
quickly grows into a modest commercial strip which includes
cafes, bookstores, and a theater.
We drop to eye level as we spy through the plate glass
showcase window of the "Bourgeois Pig" coffeehouse, which
holds the translucent reflection of the full moon.
A cigarette wedged between knuckles smoulders. MIKE takes
the last drag with great effort, then crushes it out. He
sits in the window sprawled across a red velvet couch that
once perfectly complemented a faux spanish foyer.
MATCH CUT TO:
2 EXT. "BOURGEOIS PIG" COFFEEHOUSE - COUCHES AND TABLE IN FRONT 2
WINDOW - NIGHT
ROB sits down next to Mike, pouring himself some tea.
MIKE
And what if I don't want to give up on
her?
ROB
You don't call.
MIKE
But you said I shouldn't call if I
wanted to give up on her.
ROB
Right.
MIKE
So I don't call either way.
ROB
Right.
MIKE
So what's the difference?
ROB
The only difference between giving up and
not giving up is if you take her back
when she wants to come back. See, you
can't do anything to make her want to
come back. You can only do things to
make her not want to come back.
MIKE
So the only difference is if I forget
about her or pretend to forget about her.
ROB
Right.
MIKE
Well that sucks.
Yeah... I was going a little overboard with my vision
What did you think of it besides that?