Partner and I are fighting over this scene...What do you think?

[Firm1]

Hey everyone,

So my partner and I are kind of fighting over this scene and we both can't seem to agree with each other, which is why i'd be cool to get your input on this particular scene.

So, a bit of a back story. This is the beginning of the film. We show a dream sequence of a very traumatic event happening to cause our main character to develop PTSD. He wakes up and it's six months after the incident. We show him getting ready for work with his girlfriend (he's a medical doctor at a prison and she's a nurse at a hospital).

This scene takes place in the kitchen as he grabs his stuff and begins to head out the door. Now, the idea that I'm trying to convey is that this is a broken man who loves his girlfriend, but is having a difficult time coming to terms with his PTSD. He doesn't want to confront it, but his girlfriend is hinting at the fact that he does, indeed, have a problem. Check it out:


(4) INT. SORIN’S KITCHEN – EARLY MORNING

(a) Heather stands by the sink wearing green nursing scrubs as she fills a thermos with coffee. Her cell phone is sitting on the counter blasting a radio talk show.

Sorin walks into the kitchen causing Heather to glance over her shoulder.

He grabs a banana on the table. Sorin has a satchel around his shoulder, wearing a blue button down shirt and a red tie.

SORIN
Alright I gotta go.

He then grabs his white lab coat sitting on one of the chairs and puts it over his arm as he walks toward the hallway.

SORIN
I’ll see you later, honey.

(b) Heather turns around as she finishes screwing in the lid to her thermos.

HEATHER
Hey, wait. Are we still on for tomorrow?

(c) Sorin stops and turns around, looking blankly at her.

HEATHER
We said we were going out, remember?

SORIN
..Oh. Yeah. Sorry, I didn’t understand what you were saying.

HEATHER
Are you ok?

SORIN
Yeah, I’m fine. Just a little tired.

(BEAT)

SORIN
I didn’t wake you last night, did I?

HEATHER
No…

SORIN
(awkward)
Good..That’s good.

(BEAT)

HEATHER
You know, we don’t have to go out.

SORIN
Heather, I’m fine.

(d) Sorin walks closer to Heather.

(e) He gives her a quick but passionate kiss before rubbing the side of her shoulders, re-assuring her that everything is okay.

SORIN
I told you, I’m just tired. That’s all.

HEATHER
Yeah..

Sorin then heads for the door.

SORIN
I’ll see you tonight.

Heather just stands there, trying to think of what to say.

HEATHER
Do you have your medicine?

(f) Sorin continues down the hallway.

SORIN
I don’t need it.

HEATHER
But, do you have it?

SORIN
Yes. I have it.

(g) He takes the pills out of his pocket and rattles it in a mocking jester as he opens the door. Before he leaves, Sorin turns around.

SORIN
(smiles)
Stop worrying about me. I’m okay.

He starts to shut the door behind him.

END SCENE


Now, my partner is telling me that it sounds unnatural and that the dialogue is too long for them to just be standing around. What do you guys think?

Thank you so much in advance for your input!

 

[Sweetie]

I do agree that it sounds unnatural. Moderately on the nose.

It's hard to judge a scene out of context. There may be something in there that's needed for later scenes.

I think you have other more pressing issues with it. For an opening, it's rather boring. It's nothing I haven't seen a million times.

 

[FantasySciFi]

So my partner and I are kind of fighting over this scene and we both can't seem to agree with each other, which is why i'd be cool to get your input on this particular scene. ... This scene takes place in the kitchen as he grabs his stuff and begins to head out the door. Now, the idea that I'm trying to convey is that this is a broken man who loves his girlfriend, but is having a difficult time coming to terms with his PTSD. He doesn't want to confront it, but his girlfriend is hinting at the fact that he does, indeed, have a problem.

Personally, this scene seems pretty underwhelming. I'd cut it as it doesn't support your goal. How is rushing out conveying his love or demonstrate a difficulty with this PTSD? To me it reads he had a bad dream, woke up late and needs to rush out the door. it could be blood pressure meds for what we know. His rattling the bottle suggests he's compliant. So the scene really suggests opposite of what you intend, IMO.

Now, my partner is telling me that it sounds unnatural and that the dialogue is too long for them to just be standing around. What do you guys think?

Well, in this instance, he's right. It's very chatty/wordy which makes for poor play on the screen. You need this to be succinct and support your goal. You want the dialogue to be a bit more oblique rather than on-the-nose as Sweetie said. Below is just an example of how you can condense this down and highlight your goals for this scene. It takes your 20 lines of dialogue down to 7. Don't linger on a scene. It should be purposeful in advancing the story, be only as long as needed and move on.

INT. SORIN’S KITCHEN – MORNING

Heather, wearing green nursing scrubs, fills a thermos with 
coffee by the sink.  

A radio talk show blasts from her cell phone on the counter. 

Sorin staggers in wearing a button down shirt, tie and very
haggard expression.  He heads to the table like a life raft.

                              HEATHER
               You pulled the blankets off again. 

Sorin shoots a pained looked as she glances over her shoulder.

                               SORIN
               Aren't you the one who's always
               too hot?

She turns with smirk and approaches and pours him a cup. 

He slides his hand along her waist.  She gently pushes it aside.

                              HEATHER
               Mmm, now you know I'm due on duty
               and you're on call.

He smiles, retracts his hand.  She gives him a peck on the 
cheek and walks back to get her coffee thermos.

                              HEATHER
               Was it the dream again? Did you take
               your sinequan last night?

                              SORIN
               I'm a doctor, what do you think?

His hand reaches for a banana and pauses by the med bottle.

She slings thing together into her lunch bag on the sink.

                               HEATHER
               Exactly! A nurse's worst patient.
                     (beat)
               Antonio's was perfect choice for
               tomorrow night.  You're such a
               romantic.

Snapped from his trance, he retracts his hand from the bottle.

                              SORIN
               Yeah, looking forward to it.  See ya
               tonight, hon.

She comes over, gives him one last kiss and rushes out.

He stands, pauses to stare at the bottle.  He reaches down, 
lifts it, goes to open then stops and sets it back down.

He grabs the banana and tosses it in his satchel.  Inside is a
sandwich.  He smiles to himself.  He picks up his white lab 
coat, puts it over his arm and leaves.

 

[Firm1]

Ah, I see what you mean now. It is a bit on the nose and unnatural...sigh. Okay, looks like it's back to the drawing board. Thanks a bunch for your feedback, guys!