Noob with Short outline needs advice

[wheatgrinder]

Hi all,
Im completely noob with a unique opportunity for shorting in an exotic location (to me anyway) due to my real job requiring me to travel to Israel. Iv been there several times already and have some locations in mind, etc.

Since this travel opportunity was sprung on me in the last week, I threw together an outline of a story that could utilize some of the locations Ill be visiting.. airports, etc... I see this being a real SHORT film, maybe 5 - 10 mins at most.

Of course, as its Israel I gravitated to a religious theme. The challenge for me in the remote location stuff is that I DON'T want to be the star, but obviously "someone" will need to be in the remote shots.. or maybe not? Any ideas would be helpful.. So far, I'm leaning towards no-dialog (contrary to the outline below) with no face shots, just my hands, details stuff.. etc.. seems like a cliche though..

Its not important that I nail all the details of the story just yet, rather, I need to focus on the travel and Israel photography aspect, as I leave next week!


Here is the outline, just a couple of paragraphs.. with some alternate endings..

"The man comes around" is a "Quest" story about a non religious man who becomes interested in the story of the 2nd coming of Christ. Through his own research he becomes convinced that he knows exactly when and where the 2nd coming of Christ will occur.


Paradoxically he is a "non-believer", so he develops his own explanatory cosmology and off the wall interpretations of the Bible that enables him to continue in his non Christian life style. (opportunity for dark humor \ Irony \ Dialog elements ?)

He beings his quest to be an eye witness to the event. He is obsessed, and much like a drug addict, loses his family, his job, etc. As the character develops through the last stages of his quest we see his drive change from obsession, to resignation. As he learns more about the "mythos" of the 2nd coming, he comes to believe that he will NOT be one of the chosen who are "saved." He arrives at his final destination convinced that the coming of "event" will be a personal end of the line for him, he will be burned like chaff etc..

The appointed time and place reached, he waits.. for suspense the time passes and nothing happens, but then he rips out his tattered pocket notebook with calculations and sees that he miscalculated by some small amount and looks up just in time to see....

Ending 1:
Christ descending over the old city of Jerusalem in splendor and glory.
Fade to white with the sounds of trumpets

Ending 2:
Same as "ending 1", the sounds of the trumpets morph into explosions of a nuclear blast... supported by script showing mounting conflicts in the region, or missing suitcase nuke etc..
(Ironic, if he hadn’t come to see the event, he would be safe at home watching on TV like everyone else.. )

Ending 3:

Just the nuke blast, no Christ, supported by script showing conflicts as well as the mans unwitting participation (maybe his suitcase is switched and he transports the critical piece of the bomb, or something like that)
...


here are the first few scenes Iv come up with..

INTRODUCTIONS

We meet the man, he is normal, well adjusted and generally happy. He meets the "missionary" who gives him a bible.
--------------------------------

NOT TODAY

The man enters his home, he tosses the bible, wallet and car keys on the table, next to an ad of "ladies night" or something like that.. he picks up the ad, grabs his keys and wallet, checking his wallet for a condom and heads out. The bible is forgotten on the table.
----------------------

NIGHT TRAIN

Man comes home drunkenly dropping his keys and wallet on the same table, a female hands reaches for the wallet and condom...

<TO BE CONTINUED>
.....

 

[Lord of Light]

Um, this may be just me, but I would strongly recommend you focus on the story first before you get any travel arrangements.

That said, I'm still trying to wrap my head around the first couple scenes of drunken bliss to the ending with the Rapture and/or nuclear holocaust.

You say you go to Israel often, yes? I would recommend you wait until the next time so you can better plan this out i.e. obtaining/transporting equipment overseas, cast and crew (I know you say you can travel for free, but can you bring others for free as well?) , getting permits, etc. I'm not too sure the Israeli government will look too kindly at a Rapture/nuke ending. And if you do it guerrilla style, then you might have their police to deal with. And I'm no expert, but I know they're hard asses about certain things.

If I were you, I would scrap the whole going to Israel thing and look for something a little more local. I assume you live in Oregon, so why don't you take the weekend off, drive down to Nevada (or better yet Death Valley) and shoot there. Very desolate and beautiful, especially this time of year. It will probably be cheaper and safer without having the authorities bearing down on you.

As for the final Jerusalem scene, I would recommend that you try and find some stock footage online and use that.

I know it's long, but I'm trying not to be a jerk. I want to help because this sounds great. I especially like the combination of ending 1 & 2. Plus I could see this becoming a feature length film. But I honestly think you should focus on the story first and completing the screenplay before you even think about traveling abroad. It will make things so much easier for you.

Good luck, and if you have any story questions, just PM me and I'd be happy to help.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Thanks, I appreciate your comments..

As Im a hobbyist and a noob I expect this to be a learning opportunity, with some fun on the side.

I have NO crew and no plans to get one. Budget is all for equipment, some ND and polarization filters, new tripod etc.. I'm just a guy with MiniDV camera.

When I travel in Israel, I see MANY people with cameras, tripods, camcorders, in the famous areas, like the western wall, etc... (As a side bar its strange to me to go into an Israeli church and see 20 people filming the service, religion AS tourism is freakishly fun!)

I do like your idea of planning for more of real shot for my NEXT trip, I go about three times a year, but than can allays change to "never again" which is beyond my control. I plan to chat up some of my co-workers in country that might think this is fun too..

Im going to try and capture some nice travelogue footage anyway, because my wife and kids like to see where I go, with a bit more planing I can get some "shots" suitable for my short film..

About the first few scenes..

I was trying to visually establish that our "man" is living a typical party life style, going out to bars, sleeping around, maybe even some drug use etc.. basically he is not a "fundamentalist" and lives a lot of sin, thereby providing the setup for the later discovery that he is NOT going to be "saved" from the burnings etc..

Through a couple similar scene we can see the bible being "ignored" and being covered up with more and more "trash" on the table, some porno mags etc.. (metaphor?)

I had thought on the way in to work today that I would develop a scene where he gets a letter from one of his lovers, telling him that she has tested positive for HIV.. which is what drives him to the bible.. he has a mini-fox hole conversion and prays... which prayer is seemingly answered and he narrowly escapes HIV infection.

Of course, he is not converted and doesn't change his ways.., but at least we now have a reason why he started reading the bible..

He fixates on the End of the world stuff and.. were off to the airport.. etc, etc..

 

[wheatgrinder]

Details on the first few scens. (rewrite)

INT. JOHNS HOUSE -- FOYER -- DAY

JOHN, a handsome middle aged man, dressed in Jeans and
simple shirt pleasantly opens his front door.

JULIE, A pretty young woman, is on the porch, she engages
John in conversation. John chats for a while and takes the
offered bible from Julie.* John is slightly disappointed as
he closes the door.* He turns and sets the bible on the
entry table next to his keys, wallet and tray full of
unopened mail.

INT. JOHNS HOUSE -- FOYER -- EARLY NIGHT

John clicks on the overhead light and approaches the entry
table, he picks up and begins to sort his mail, he stops on
an advertisement, the ad reads: "Laddies Night At The Club,
$2 Drinks!"

John drops the rest of the junk mail in the garbage can,
picks up his wallet and opens it to assures that it contains
condom.* He grabs his keys and leaves the house.

EXT. JOHNS HOUSE -- ENTRY -- LATE NIGHT

John fumbles to unlock the door.

TINA, an attractive woman who is obviously intoxicated, is
conspiratorially leaning over the door lock while John tries
to find the right key to unlock the door

INT. JOHNS HOUSE -- FOYER -- LATE NIGHT

John and Tina spill though the now open front door, they
pick themselves up laughing, John empties his pockets on the
table, his keys and wallet land with a thunk, Tina picks
picks up the wallet and removes the condom.* Tina leads John
by the hand out of the foyer into the bedroom, the condom
accidentally slips from her unsteady hand as she closes the
bedroom door.

INT. JOHNS HOUSE -- FOYER -- EARLY MORNING

Tina, in a hurry, checks her makeup in the foyer mirror and
applies some lipstick.* She opens the front door and
leaves.*

EXT. JOHNS HOUSE -- ENTRY -- LATE NIGHT

John is again struggling to open his door.

MACHIKO, an attractive woman, patiently waits for him, they
enter Johns house together

EXT. JOHNS HOUSE -- ENTRY -- EARLY MORNING

CAROL, an attractive woman, comes out of Johns door and
hastily climbs into a waiting taxi.

INT. JOHNS HOUSE -- FOYER -- EARLY MORNING

John, dressed in his bathroom and holding a cup of coffee
enters the foyer, and bends down to pick up the mail that
has gathered on the floor beneath the mail slot.* He sets
his cup down on the foyer table and begins to sort the mail.*
He tosses a "Viagra" mailer, a couple magazines in plain
brown wrappers and a Victoria Secret catalog onto the
table.* They land on top of the now forgotten Bible. He
sorts more mail into the nearby trash can. After sorting, he
is left holding a normal looking envelope.* The writing on
the envelope is clearly "by hand," no return address is
given, and there is no post mark nor stamp on the envelope.
Intrigued, John opens the envelope and begins to read the
hand written letter.* As he reads his face becomes clouded
with worry,

TINA (VO)
John, forgive me for not having the
guts to come see you in person, I
don't think I could look you in the
eye and tell you what I have to
say...so Ill just write it quick
and be done with it..



in slowly dawning shock, John absentmindedly backs up to the
wall and slowly slides down the wall...

TINA(VO)
John, Iv been tested as HIV
positive, I'm so sorry.

John continues his slow slide to the floor while staring at
the letter clutched in his hand. Now sitting on the floor,
legs splayed, looking much older, the letter falls from
Johns hand.*

INT. JOHNS HOUSE -- FOYER -- MORNING

John is dazed on the floor, he shakes him self off, slowly
rises and begins to search for his address book, in his
searching he uncovers the bible Julie gave him, he picks it
up and opens it, scanning and flipping pages he seems to
takes some slight comfort from just holding it.* John sees
that picking up the Bible has uncovered his address book.*
With the bible open in one hand, he uses the other to scan
the address book, he finds what he is looking for.* John
leaves the foyer enters the kitchen and dials the phone.

JOHN
Hello, is this Dr. Mitchel's
office..I need to schedule some
tests...

EXT. CHURCH -- MORNING

WILLIAM, a fatherly clergyman is chatting and talking to
members of his congregation as they leave Sunday services.*
John approaches.* William instantly recognizes John,
reaching out his hand in greeting.

WILLIAM
(sincere and open)
John, How nice to see you, I
haven't seen you since your were,
what... 12 years old?

JOHN
(polite but unsure)
Hi William,I know, Im sorry about
that, its just that Iv been sort
of, just doing other things..

WILLIAM
How are your parents, I lost touch
with them since your dad retired
and they moved down to Florida..?

JOHN
(apologetically)
Mom and Dad are fine..can I talk to
you privately for moment?

WILLIAM
(curiously)
Sure John, come on in..



William places his hand on Johns shoulder and together they
walk into the Church.

INT. CHURCH -- PRIVATE OFFICE -- DAY

John tells William about his letter from Tina, that he is
waiting for his test results to come back. William responds
sympathetically and invites John to pray with him, they
kneel together and pray.

 

[Joker B]

>> ...our "man" is living a typical party life style...

Now *that's* character development.

Might I suggest you just replace him wth a cardboard cutout? It's simpler, doesn't eat, and can be transported in a suitcase.

I'd also be wary of trying to show, say, Christ's arrival etc because who are you to decide God's actions?

(personally, I find "personal faith even in a world of God's silence" to be a more compelling vein for drama, rather than just being beaten over the head by special effects. Even Kirk Cameron gets that idea)

 

[wheatgrinder]

Joker B,
Yea, I'm not doing a very good job of developing "our man" though, in my defense that was just an "outline" sketch.. I do like your cut out idea.. hum.. ill work on that

In my rewrite above of those first few scene, John is being flushed out a bit. He has some "history" with William, so there is more to him than a "party guy". From such a simple 1D character, I can take John anywhere I like, where I intend to take him is to obsession and hyper focus on one aspect of Christianity! It is important that he "miss" the other aspects that would bring him real happiness.

This is the "message" I'm after, its like how an 11:00 News Show would approach it.. focus on the sensational, exiting, dramatic bits.. missing the entire "point" completely.

Universal Theme Number 1:
Worrying about the (scary future) will cost you some portion of your engagement in the here and now!.
You can replace "scary future" with any pending unknown event.

• High School Graduation
• Economic downturn
• Life after divorce
• The new baby comes
• The end of the world

In my interpretation of this theme John loses most, if not all, of his engagement with the "here in now" through his obsession. How John arrives at this obsession is going to be interesting on its own! Sub plots of con artists etc..


Im the writer, so I DO get to decide what God does. That's my job! Its possible that John is imagining the whole thing anyway..

And finally, I too am inspired by the personal side of faith, ala Ducther and Cameron, and intend to pivot some key plot turns AROUND that subject.

 

[Joker B]

>> You can replace "scary future" with any pending unknown event

PLEASE pick one and tell that story. If people can spin-off one-liner log lines for a 2-hour movie, you should at least be able to say clearly what your message is here in a 300-second short.

What I meant by ascribing actions to God is: is this story meant to convince or buttress religious faith? Is religious faith based on a fictional movie a worthwhile endeavor? Does Father William do or say anything specific other than hi how are your folks?

If John really went to "Laddies Night" maybe he has a more-complex lifestyle than you've shown here

Whatever your answers, make them very specific.

 

[wheatgrinder]

Joker,
You have inspired me more that I can tell! Depth and complexity now abound..

About universal theme, I meant that the theme is universal to life, my story will definitely use just the one of the examples...

 

[wheatgrinder]

Also,
Iv dumped the whole idea of John being a "sinner" that somehow gets "driven" by external events into reading the bible, that reads too much like a morality play, and realy isnt necessary for the story, there are simpler ways to get where I want to go!

Thanks