Newbie in need of some major help!

[ChrisWood]

Hello all,

Anyone have any scripts? I have no way of paying for any so if you have a free script that you dont want that would help alot haha. I am just wanting to start getting some experience under my belt. Im really not looking for any specific genre. Any help would be greatly apreciated.

Thanks,
Chris

 

[scottspears]

Hi Chris,

Can I say something to you and you try not to take it too personally? I really hate it when I see post like this. There are a number of reasons. First, you give no parameters? How about genre you're interested in? Horror? Drama? Comedy? Do you have any kind of budget? Do you have a running time in mind?

Have you even tried to write one yourself? We don't know what kind of elements you have available? I have lots of scripts. One starts with a city blowing up and space ships blasting people? Can you handle that?

Ok, now that I have spanked you, I apologize. I've taught a lot of film classes and I ask that my students write their own scripts using elements they have available. Say you have somebody who has a pizza joint that will let you shoot and have a couple friends who want to act, you can write a script about two guys watching and commenting on girls who walk by while making pizza and you have a comedy in the vein of Kevin Smith. You can have a guy walk in with a gun and try rob the place with things going badly and you have a crime drama. You have one of the guys go in the back room and you find out that they're making the peperoni out of dead co-eds and you have a horror film. Look around and see what things you have that you can use in a film and write something around that. When I was starting out, I just had two friends chase each other across cool places in a wacky chase scene with a dumb punch line at the end.

Another source if you're just messing around is short stories. You can find some story you like an turn it into a screenplay. You can look at famous writer who's been dead for over 75 years (think Edgar Alan Poe, HP Lovercraft, O'Henry, etc...) and they're in the public domain so you can make any of their stories into a movie. To save money on period stuff, update the story to modern day.

What I'm saying is try to stretch yourself. Be creative. It's all about storytelling and if you can write one, then you can film one. It's not as a hard as it looks. Go for it.

Scott

 

[Dreadylocks]

Listen to Scott, that's awesome advice. When I first got my camera I spent way too much time searching the internet for short scripts/stories, and not enough time just making stuff.

If you want to practice technique, hell, you don't even need a story. Just film a sequence of actions. See if you can film yourself or someone else just getting home from work and making a sandwich. Can you show us that he/she just came from work without saying anything? Can you cut the shots smoothly? And bring us into the narrative flow?

I'm sure you can, you just gotta get out there a do it! Good luck! Keep us posted (no pun intended)

 

[directorik]

I see no reason at all that a beginning director shouldn’t look
for scripts.

Not saying scott’s advice isn’t great - it is - but having a good
script is very important. Perhaps Chris has already made the two
guys chasing each other movies (I made a dozen of those) and is
ready to try something else.

Which brings up the issue. Chris, you gotta give writers more
info. You have no money to pay for a script (which is cool) and
you aren’t looking for any specific genre, but can you shoot a 90
page script? Can you shoot a sci-fi action movie?

How about narrowing it down a little? Do you have anything you’ve
shot to show a writer that you are serious, have completed a movie
and have a little talent?

EDIT:
I just took a look as some of your other posts Chris.

i am a creative person. and i know i can tell great stories. it takes me some time to write stuff but thats only because i take my time and make sure that i do it right and make sure that its good enough. so i know that i could make a story that gets peoples attention

Since you can write a story that gets people attention I think scott
was correct. Nothing would be better for you to get some experience
under your belt than to write that story that gets peoples attention.

 

[Alcove Audio]

It's difficult to know what to do sometimes. Write something yourself? Find a suitable script?

As Scott said you have to communicate something to the rest of us. Whether you write it yourself or are just interpreting the script of a screenwriter the key word in the previous sentence is "communicate." That's what you are going to be doing as a director - communicating with an audience, communicating with actors, communicating with crew, communicating with editors.

No matter what you do for a career communication skills are essential if you want to be successful. Based on your post I would not want to work with you. The genre doesn't matter? You have no focus or direction. Haha? You don't take yourself seriously.

I know that it seems like everyone is jumping on you, but there are quite a few working professionals here at IndieTalk and we all know how difficult this business can be. We also know how fulfilling and rewarding it can be. But even the most successful among us have to deal with intense criticism from time to time. This business is TOUGH. If you can't take it here just wait until producers and critics have at you or you come up against some really snotty, hard-to-work-with talent.

So try again, let us know a little about yourself, what equipment and other assets are available to you and what you are interested in shooting; you may be surprised at how much help comes you way.

 

[Serbski]

Hi i made a post in the newbie section - im tryng to get my 6 minute no dialogue script made if your interested

 

[Elliander Pictures]

Couldnt agree more with Scott personally:

stretch yourself. Be creative. It's all about storytelling and if you can write one, then you can film one. It's not as a hard as it looks. Go for it.
Scott

We also dont know what level of film making you are at, as scott correctly pointed out, what are your parameters?

The most important thing to realise is that you arent dependent on anyone, if you need a story write one - Robert Rodriguez's 10min film school in his book "Rebel Without a Crew" is truly inspiring. Get out there and go for it

I've stuck a video on youtube about coming up with film ideas...it might help, here's the link:
"Ideas For Movies"

x

 

[letsmakeamovie6]

if you put your mind to it, it is very easy to write a script. you can take a song about hate, heart break, love, crime and you can turn it into a screenplay. i am actually writing one now that came from a country song, and i hate country music but the story was compelling.

 

[Cracker Funk]

I agree with everything everyone has previously said. You should write one yourself.

However, I happen to have a short screenplay that I was planning on producing. Things went wrong; it never happened. And right now, it just doesn't fit into my greater schemes, so I don't think I'm ever going to produce this one. You can have it, if you want it. I wrote it in exactly one night (with a couple minor rewrites a few days later). Some of the writing is horrible; some of it kinda funny. Do with it what you may. Or don't.

Oh, and one of the characters changes gender half-way through; that's just cuz I originally wrote it for a dude, then re-cast for a girl; I think either gender works for this role. I was just too lazy to rewrite all the "he's" to "she's", etc.

Also, please forgive the weird formatting -- the copy and paste functions don't seem to get it right.

Edit: Oh, yeah. I forgot, this board has rules against inapropriate language, or something. This entire screenplay is inappropriate, so skip it if you don't like four-letter words.

The Joy, by Joseph Weindl

EXT. RESIDENTIAL NEIGHBORHOOD – DAY

TERRY and ETHAN, two middle-aged to elderly gentlemen, walk down a sidewalk. Ethan is carrying a small brown paper bag.

ETHAN
Yeah, I’ll go to the party, but only because I’ll take any excuse to let my hair down. The show itself, I don’t care about – it’s bogus. How the hell does “Dark Knight” not get nominated for Best Picture?!

TERRY
Or “Wall-E”.

ETHAN
Thank you. Either one of those movies is head-and-shoulders above the actual nominees. At least “Wall-E” will win the animated category.

TERRY
Yeah, but that’s kind of a back-handed compliment. Like, okay, you’re the best animated movie, but that’s not as good as the best normal movie. It’s bullshit.

Terry points to the ground

TERRY (Cont)
There’s a good one.

Ethan bends over to pick up a piece of dog poo, placing it in the bag. They continue walking down sidewalk.

ETHAN
Oh, shit, it’s still fresh. We got a hot one here.

TERRY
Can you believe some dogs actually eat that stuff?

ETHAN
I think they usually prefer cat shit.

TERRY
Yeah, what’s up with that?


ETHAN
I don’t know, maybe it’s like a warrior thing, you know, like eating the heart of your slain enemy. Or maybe it just tastes good.

TERRY
Don’t knock it till you try it, right?

Ethan bends over and picks up another piece of poo, placing it in the bag, then looks into bag.

ETHAN
Wiser words have never been spoken. Y’know, I think we’ve got enough here.

Cut to: They are now on a different block from before, crouched down behind a car. Ethan tries to hand the bag to Terry.

ETHAN
Well, I guess now’s as good a time as any.

TERRY
I’m not doin it, you do it.

ETHAN
You’re body is younger than mine.

TERRY
Fuck that. You can’t keep using that excuse.

Terry raises her right fist in the air, with the left hand open-palmed beneath it, as if to signify a rock-paper-scissors challenge. Ethan reluctantly raises his hands as well. They play a quick round of rock-paper-scissors, Terry emerging the victor. Terry reaches into his pocket for a lighter, handing it to Ethan.

Cut to: Ethan tip-toes up steps to porch, sets the bag down in front of the door, lights both ends of the paper bag, then quickly rings doorbell and runs back towards the car, with a giant grin on his face.

Terry stays crouched behind the car, barely peeking his head high enough to watch the action through the passenger windows, and giggles. Ethan, breathing heavily and still smiling widely, turns the corner around the car to assume the same position as Terry, right next to him.

TERRY
I think I see him coming.

MAN opens front door of house, immediately noticing the flaming bag on his porch.

MAN
(amused)
You gotta be kidding me.

Man casually returns to inside of house, leaving front door open, and bag flaming on porch.

ETHAN
What the fuck?!

TERRY
Yeah, this is about zero percent as funny as I thought it would be.

Man returns to porch, now with phone in one hand. In the other hand, he has baking soda.

MAN
(talking on phone, smiling)
I’m being completely serious. There is a fucking paper bag on fire in front of my door, and I’m pretty fucking sure it’s got poop in it.

Man listens briefly to speaker on the other end of the phone, while dousing the flames with the baking soda.

MAN
Well, I mean, obviously I would prefer not to have a flaming bag of shit on my porch, but I actually think it’s kind of funny.

Terry and Ethan are still crouched behind the car, but now look annoyed.

ETHAN
Well that was a giant waste of time. And, my hands smell like shit.

Terry stands up from behind the cover of the car.

TERRY
(yelling)
You’re supposed to stomp out the fire, ass-hole!

BEGIN OPENNING CREDITS OVER THE FOLLOWING MONTAGE:

EXT. SUBURBAN BACKYARD – DAY

Terry nervously creeps around corner of house, cautiously poking his head before heading in any new direction. Ethan excitedly pounces from a hiding place, and beans Terry with water balloons. They both laugh hysterically, briefly, before Terry chases Ethan away, throwing water balloons at him as they run, still laughing.

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Terry and Ethan are both sitting on a couch. Ethan has a bong at his lips, and is about to light it.

TERRY
No, wait. I think you’re supposed to hold your finger over this little hole before you light it.

Ethan examines bong before putting finger over the carb, then lighting and inhaling.

Cut to: They are both laughing uncontrollably.

Cut to: They are both eating Cheez-Its, intensely.

ETHAN
White Cheddar Cheez-Its are fucking awesome.

TERRY
They’re fucking awesome.

INT. GARAGE – DAY

Terry is playing drums, while Ethan plays guitar. Together, they play loud, horrible rock music, enthusiastically.

ETHAN
(screaming an improvised chorus)
I never said that we come in peace. I never said it, I never said it.

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Ethan unwraps a Hershey’s chocolate bar. He inquisitively examines and smells it before taking a bite. Instantly, his reaction is one of pleasant surprise, forcing him to take a much bigger bite.

ETHAN
(mouth full, still taking big bites)
Oh, my God. Terry, have you ever tried chocolate?

TERRY
(off screen)
No, is it good?

ETHAN
It’s fucking amazing!

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Ethan enters room, from front door, to find Terry lying on the floor. A dog is licking Terry’s face.

ETHAN
(in disgust)
Oh, my.

TERRY
I found it outside, with no owner. He’s so playful and friendly.

ETHAN
It eats it’s own poop.

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Terry is holding the top side of a beer bong, Ethan the bottom, as Terry pours the last remaining beer from a can into the funnel.

ETHAN
Ok, so I guess you just raise it as high as possible so I can suck it all down.

TERRY
(raising his end of the beer bong)
I think that’s the gist of it.

Ethan chugs the beer, sloppily spilling the last few sips. When done, he makes a bitter-beer face, and does a half almost-throw-up.

ETHAN
Eghh! That was horrible.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Terry and Ethan sit next to each other, in front of a computer, smiling as they both intently watch the computer monitor.

ETHAN
Hehe. Yeah, get em, chickens!

TERRY
“Chicken Police”, hehe, that’s awesome. I think “Ass Pennies” is still my favorite though.

ETHAN
Ooh, I got a good one, have you seen “2 girls 1 cup”?

TERRY
No.

ETHAN
(types new web address into computer)
Sweet. You’re gonna love this one.

Terry watches the screen, smiling in anticipation. Ethan turns away briefly trying best to contain his laughter. Suddenly, Terry’s expression turns to surprise and moderate disgust. Ethan has now completely stepped away from the computer and is now just watching Terry, laughing as he reacts.

TERRY
Eww. What are we watching?

Terry reacts again, this time with extreme surprise and disgust, gagging badly. Ethan laughs hysterically.

TERRY
Oh, why did you make me watch this?

END OPENNING CREDITS

INT. KITCHEN – DAY

Terry sits at the breakfast table, reading the newspaper, drinking coffee. Suddenly, a very loud jingle can be heard, similar to a doorbell. Terry puts down the paper, gets up and walks towards the bathroom.

TERRY
Ethan, we’re being summoned.

ETHAN
(off-screen)
I know, I heard it.

INT. BATHROOM – DAY

Terry and Ethan enter the bathroom and stand side by side, in front of the mirror. Ethan takes both index fingers and touches the very top center of the mirror, then drags each finger in opposite directions around the edge of the mirror, until his fingers are on opposite sides of the bottom of the mirror. As he drags his fingers, quiet beeping sounds eminate from the mirror, until finally, a digital video image can be seen in the center of it. In this image can be seen COMMANDER, sitting in the center of the screen, dressed in uniform, with what appears to be two gaurds standing behind her, dressed in similar uniform. It appears as though this image is being broadcast from inside some kind of vessel.

TERRY and ETHAN
(simultaneously)
Good morning, Commander.

COMMANDER

Don’t waste my time with Earth pleasantries. I need a Sit-Rep.

TERRY
I’ve successfully hacked into the FBI’s mainframe. The Pentagon is proving considerably more difficult, however. I believe I will have to make a connection on-site.

COMMANDER
I need results, not excuses, soldier. Central Command has informed me today that the invasion has been bumped up by a full month, leaving you exactly nineteen days to complete your mission.

TERRY
Yes, commander.

COMMANDER
(turning attention to Ethan)
And how is your research going?



ETHAN
The results of my cost-benefit analysis could not be more clear, commander. I recommend complete annihilation. This species is horribly inefficient, and the benefits we would reap by enslaving them would be far outweighed by the cost to our resources to keep them alive.

COMMANDER
Interesting. And what method of extermination do you recommend?

ETHAN
Their weapons are no match for ours, but they can be a handful when fighting on their homeland, so a war would be protracted and costly. Conventional massive weapons would not just destroy the humans, but would make many of their most valuable resources unusable for quite some time. I therefore recommend biological warfare. The beauty of this plan is that they would never even know of or suspect our presence and activity, and would instead blame “terrorists” in the Middle East. I’ve been using their own resources at a local educational facility to construct the perfect virus.

COMMANDER
Excellent work, soldier. Let’s get back to it. You’re both excused.

Simultaneously, Terry, Ethan and Commander raise their right arms to their heads, with the back of the wrist touching the right side of their forehead, and the fingers pointing down and forward. Briefly, they shake the fingers of their hands, while making a high-pitched almost turkey-gobble-like sound. The image on the mirror disappears.

EXT. FRONT DOOR – DAY

Terry and Ethan are both leaving.

TERRY
Y’know, I’m kinda gonna miss this place.

ETHAN
Oh, I’m definitely going to miss it. It’s a shame we have to exterminate.

TERRY
(shrugs)
What can you do? If a species has to go…

ETHAN
You have a good day, boo.


TERRY
You too.

INT. 7-11 – DAY

Terry walks down the aisle to find feminine products. Reaching for Tampax, she finds herself bumping hands with WOMAN, who is reaching for the same product. Woman jestures to allow Terry to go first.

WOMAN
Excuse me. Looks like we have similar product preferences. Go ahead.

TERRY
Yeah, I do a lot of jogging in the morning, and I find that this one does the best job at stopping my runny nose.

WOMAN
(amused and confused)
Runny nose? Really?!

TERRY
Uh, yeah, what else would you use it for?

Woman takes a long pause before speaking again, with a very confused look on her face.

WOMAN
Um…you know what they’re originally intended for, right?

Terry tilts her head to the side, also looking confused. Woman smiles and leans in to whisper into Terry’s ear. As woman whispers to Terry, Terry’s face shows mild disgust, until Woman pulls head back.

TERRY
(half-polite/half-sarcastic)
Ok, thanks.

Woman now looks annoyed, and walks away briskly. Terry giggles to herself.

TERRY
Weirdo.

EXT. 7-11 PARKING LOT – DAY

Terry leaves the store, saying “thanks, you too”, gets in car, drives away.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

Terry parks her car in front of her house. On other side of street, TELLER talks into his car GPS system, via the video uplink.

TELLER
Commander, I have nothing significant to report with these two. On occasion, I’ve caught them allowing their leisure time to bleed into their work time, but bottom line - they stay productive. In fact, I’d say of all the soldiers you’ve got me observing in this region, they are the least problematic.

COMMANDER
Very well, then. Nevertheless, I’d like you to begin keeping closer tabs on them. The importance of their jobs cannot be understated, and I simply cannot have a repeat of the Xantheon incident.

TELLER
Of course, commander.

COMMANDER
Dismissed.

Commander and Teller turkey-gobble-salute each other, and the video interlink vanishes.

 

[Cracker Funk]

(post was too long; had to break script into two)

INT. KITCHEN – NIGHT

Terry enters the house, puts her belongings and shopping bag on the breakfast table, and begins to read the instructions on the side of a hot-chocolate mix. After mixing the hot-chocolate, she tastes it and appears happy with the results.

TERRY
Ethan? You there? You gotta come try this hot-chocolate.

Terry walks to Ethan’s bedroom, opens the door, walks in, turning on the light.

TERRY
It’s a little early for bed, isn’t it?

Ethan appears startled by Terry’s sudden entrance, and quickly pulls his head up from underneath the covers. There appears to be another body next to him.

TERRY
(gasps, then points at other person under covers)
Are you?...

ETHAN
Y’know, I really don’t see the harm in it.

SEXYGIRL timidly pokes her head out from underneath the covers.

SEXYGIRL
I’m sorry, I didn’t know.

TERRY
Oh, no, we’re not…he and I aren’t…eww!!! But you still have to get the hell out, right-now. Ethan, you know I have to call the Commander on this one.

Terry leaves the room, walking towards the bathroom. Ethan, wearing boxers and a wife-beater, chases her there.

ETHAN
No, stop it. You don’t have to do that.

Ethan wedges himself between Terry and the bathroom mirror.

TERRY
I am not losing my job over this.

ETHAN
All we’ve practically been doing is goof off since we got here. How is this any different?

TERRY
You cannot compare poop on a porch with penis in a vagina.

Sexygirl seems embarrassed and confused, walking past them, on her way out. She waives, while mouthing the words “bye bye”.

TERRY
(to Sexygirl, pointing angrily to front door)
Get…OUT!

Ethan quickly takes advantage of the distraction, pushing Terry out, and shutting the door. Terry tries to open it, but it appears locked.

TERRY
Oh, my God. You’re not going to stop me from contacting Commander.

ETHAN
I know I can’t stay in here forever, but if you’d please just take a deep breath, maybe you’ll see things my way when you’re a little more calm.

TERRY
Fine.

Terry walks into the kitchen, and sits down at the breakfast table. She pulls off her right shoe. She appears to use different points on the sole of the shoe to dial a number, and beeping noises can be heard as she does so, finally putting the sole to the side of her face.

INT. SPACESHIP – SPACE

Commander is holding a shoe to the side of her face.

COMMANDER
Soldier, according to your transponder, you are inside your house. Why are you calling me from your shoe?

…What?! Why would he do that?

…I don’t understand. You caught him doing what?

Commander appears to be both angered and confused.

…Wait, why would you put that inside there? That’s just gross.

TERRY
(from kitchen)
It’s how they reproduce.

COMMANDER
(disgusted)
Eww…what a primitive species.

…Ok, agent, that’s all I need to know. Dismissed.

INT. BATHROOM – NIGHT

Ethan sits on the toilet seat, nervously fidgeting. The doorbell-like sound eminates from the mirror.

ETHAN
(stands, paces back and forth)
Shit… Shit, shit, shit shit.

The bell sounds again.

ETHAN
Shit.

Ethan stands in front of the mirror, then traces the edges. The video interlink appears.

ETHAN
Commander…

COMMANDER
(angrily)
God Dammit, soldier, shut your fucking face. There is not a thing you could say that would make this go away. Do you have any idea the implications if your actions were to result in a pregnancy?

ETHAN
(pauses)
Really good-looking children?

COMMANDER
Are you? Is that supposed to be funny? If you don’t get your act together, I’m going to shove my feet so far up your ass you’ll be licking the shit off my shoes. If the invasion weren’t so near, you’d already be on your way to Planet Galgatron. But, seeing as how I kind of need you on the job right now, I’ll give you one, and only one, opportunity to redeem yourself. Are we clear, soldier?

ETHAN
Yes, Commander.

COMMANDER
Good. Dismissed.

Ethan and Commander exchange the usual turkey-gobble-salute, and the video interlink disappears. Ethan turns to the bathroom door, and shouts at the top of his lungs.

ETHAN
I can never trust you again, you fucking (insert-clever-insult).

Terry is on the other side of the door, leaning against it.

TERRY
You don’t have to yell, I’m right here.

ETHAN
You really hurt me just now. I really trusted you.

TERRY
And I trusted you to never do anything so stupid as this. Commander is right. The consequences would be very severe if you got one pregnant.

ETHAN
But the consequences would be mine to deal with. Why did you have to butt your nose into my business?

TERRY
I would lose my job, Ethan. And you have no idea what it’s like being a Troulsthian. You know – every single one of my classmates works in the Chalgabeem industry. And that’s just the ones who haven’t already Spunkled.

ETHAN
(after long pause)
I’m sorry, boo, I hadn’t thought of it like that. It was selfish of me.

TERRY
If it makes you feel better, I felt really horrible calling her.

Ethan opens the bathroom door, and they hug each other.

ETHAN TERRY
I’m sorry. No, I’m sorry.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

Terry and Ethan exit their house, and walk toward their cars.

ETHAN
Hey, we should do something fun tonight.

TERRY
Definitely.

ETHAN
I’m thinking…paintballs.

TERRY
Hell yeah. Hey…don’t go makin any babies today.

Terry and Ethan get in their cars and drive away.

EXT. PARKING LOT – DAY
Terry pulls her car into a parking space and exits car, carrying a briefcase.

INT. OFFICE – DAY
Terry sits down at a desk, placing her briefcase on top, opening it. She rifles through the various papers, not finding what she is looking for.

TERRY
(annoyed)
Oh, c’mon.

Terry briefly searches some more, before slamming the briefcase shut, and leaving.

EXT. SIDEWALK – DAY

Terry parks her car in front of her house, and quickly walks to the front door. Walking into the kitchen, she stops in her tracks when she notices Ethan’s cell-phone and keys on the breakfast table. Immediately, she begins to creep quietly towards Ethan’s room, keeping a watchful eye everywhere she goes. Terry pauses at Ethan’s door, then bursts in. Again, Ethan is startled by her sudden entrance, quickly emerging from underneath the blankets. There appears to be another person under the blankets next to him.

TERRY
(angrily)
You promised me.

ETHAN
It’s not what it looks like.

Just like before, a head slowly emerges from beneath the covers, but this time it is SEXYMAN.

TERRY
(shocked, pointing finger at couple)
You!

SEXYMAN
I’m sorry. I didn’t know.

ETHAN
(shrugging)
We can’t make babies.

TERRY
Agghhh!

Terry turns around and heads towards the bathroom. Again, Ethan chases her there, wedging himself between her and the mirror.

ETHAN
Please, no. She’ll send me back to Galgatron. You know I can’t go there.

TERRY
But you PROMISED.


ETHAN
I know, but I thought this might be different, cuz, you know…

Sexyman seems embarrassed and confused, walking past them, on his way out. He waives, while mouthing the words “bye bye”.

TERRY
(to Sexyman, pointing angrily to front door)
Get…OUT!

ETHAN
I swear, I can change. I’ll do anything to make it up to you, boo.

Terry turns her head away from Ethan, and takes a loud, angry sigh. Ethan gently guides her chin with his index finger, so that they are facing each other again.

ETHAN
You know I love you, right?

TERRY
Ok, but on one condition.

INT. MEETING ROOM – NIGHT

Approximately ten people sit in chairs in a circle. The mood is somber. About half the people in the room listen intently, as BLOODYBUTT speaks, while the other half seem to pay no attention, their gazes wandering around the room.

BLOODYBUTT
It cost me my job. I couldn’t work for months. I’m now in danger of having my wages garnished, as I’m unable to pay the medical costs. I needed 24 stitches. And the surgery…it took them over three hours to remove all the broken glass from my rectum.

COUNSELOR
Thank you for sharing that story with us. Well, ladies and gentlemen, we have a new guest with us tonight. Ethan, it’s ok to be shy on your first night, but if you’d like to share your story with us, we are happy to hear it.

ETHAN
(takes deep breath)
Hello everybody. My name is Ethan, and I am addicted to sex.

EVERYBODY
Hello, Ethan.

ETHAN
I am here because I broke my roommates’ trust. She has caught me…having sex…twice, in a span of just two days.

SLUTTYGIRL
(after awkward silence)
Wait...I’m confused. This is your roommate, or your lover?

ETHAN
No, we’re just roommates.

SLUTTYGIRL
And, so, you were like, caught sleeping with your roommates’ girlfriend or boyfriend.

ETHAN
No, she didn’t know either of them.

SLUTTYGIRL
(after another awkard silence)
You know what? This is a serious group, for people with serious problems, and if you think you can come here and…

COUNSELOR
Ok, now, let’s not judge prematurely. Perhaps there’s more to the story.

All eyes are on Ethan now. He looks around nervously.

ETHAN
It was with two different people.

SLUTTYGIRL
I’ve had sex with over fifty men…in the last six months.

CHICKENLOVER
I have sex with animals.

BLOODYBUTT
I put a water glass up my butt.

EXT. RESIDENTIAL STREET – DAY

Ethan pulls up his car to park in front of his house. After turning off the engine, he appears to be emotionally down, and sighs, looking down at his driving wheel, before exiting the car.

INT. LIVING ROOM – DAY

Ethan enters the living room to find Sexyman sprawled out on the couch in a sexy pose, with candles lit around the living room. Sexyman appears startled to see Ethan, and immediately sits upright.

ETHAN
(whispering)
Oh my God, what are you doing here?

Ethan hurries over to Sexyman, gently grabs his arm and leads him towards exit. Sexyman looks as though he wants to speak, but can’t get the words out.

ETHAN (Cont.)
(still whispering)
This is so sweet of you baby, but you’re going to get me in trouble. I’m sorry, but you’ve got to go, now.

TERRY
(off-screen)
Hey, Sexyman, you think you’re ready for this?

Ethan turns around to see Terry in the opposite doorway, looking sexy, and scantily clad. In one hand, she has whipped cream, and in the other a dildo. She stands motionless, shocked to see Ethan. Ethan turns back to Sexyman, who just grins and shrugs. Ethan bursts into ecstatic laughter, excitedly clapping his hands, and pumping fists in the air.

BEGIN CHEESY ROMANTIC-COMEDY STYLE MONTAGE

*Terry, Ethan, Sexyman and Sexygirl all sit at the breakfast table, eating, sharing coy glances at each other. Ethan throws food at Terry; this of course erupts into full-blown food-fight. Sequence ends with an extreme close-up shot of saucy food being licked off of one’s neckline.

*The two pairs sit around the coffee table. There are cards strewn about the center of the table, and many beer cans. Each of the four has their right hand in the air, with three fingers pointed up. Terry can be seen mouthing the words, “never ever have I…”, to which Sexyman can be seen dropping one of his fingers.

*Ethan, Terry, Sexygirl and Sexyman all play craps in an alley, with 40s of Old-E.

*Terry, Sexygirl, and Ethan sit on a couch. Sexyman is in front of them, appearantly acting out a game of charades. After showing the signs for “one word” “two syllables”, “sounds like”, Ethan makes some really inappropriate sexual gestures.

*Terry runs to the head of an alley, and looks down both directions of the street, with a concentrated look on her face. She turns around to look back down the alley, and makes a hand motion, as if to say “come on”. Ethan, Sexygirl and Sexyman emerge from the alley, carrying a carpet with what appears could be a human body rolled up inside. They toss it in a dumpster, then all run back down the alley.

*Ethan and Sexygirl skip down the street, holding hands. Terry and Sexyman follow, skipping behind them. Terry has tampons in her nostrils.

END CHEESY MONTAGE

As the two couple return to their house, from skipping down the street, Teller hides across the street from them. He takes off his right shoe, dials the number on the sole, and puts it to his face.

TELLER
Yes, commander, I’m afraid their activities have been rather suspicious lately…yes, mam…of course, mam…I recommend taking immediate action…affirmative.

INT. BREAKFAST TABLE – NIGHT

Terry and Ethan sit across from each other, sharing hot chocolate.

TERRY
This is so unprofessional, what we’re doing.

ETHAN
Sweetie, I know you don’t wanna end up like your classmates, but you can only put so much value on your career. I mean, I don’t know about you, but this has been something I’ll cherish forever. I’m having so much fun.

TERRY
Yeah, me too, but…it’s all going to end. Soon.

ETHAN
Well, probably.

TERRY
We shouldn’t exterminate.

ETHAN
I agree. But we have no recourse from down here. Our only hope is that we can help Commander live the same joys we have, then maybe she’ll change her mind about the invasion.


TERRY
She’s gonna be here in three days, right?

ETHAN
Yeah.

TERRY
(stands up and leaves)
Ok, then. I’m gonna call it a night.

ETHAN
Nighty, night, boo.

INT. BEDROOM – NIGHT

Sexyman and Terry are startled out of sleep by a loud rumbling noise, and bright lights coming down from the sky, shining through the window blinds. Sexyman screams, as Terry leaps out of bed towards the door.

TERRY
Oh, my God, Ethan, it’s the mothership!

Terry runs to Ethan’s bedroom, but before she can get there, Ethan dashes into the hallway to meet her there. Behind Ethan, Sexygirl runs from the bedroom, past Ethan and Terry.

TERRY
I thought they were coming tomorrow.

ETHAN
That’s what I was told. This is a surprise visit.

During the course of this conversation, six more random, scantily clad men and women have run past them from Ethan’s bedroom.

TERRY
Shit, that’s not good. They must be on to us.

A loud, intimidating knock can be heard at the front door. Clearly startled by it, Terry and Ethan both avert their gaze to the living room, then back at each other. They run into the living room to see all eight of their lovers running amok, panicking.

SEXYGIRL
It’s an alien invasion.


SEXYMAN
(holding a baseball bat)
I am NOT going to get probed.

The loud knocking can be heard again.

ETHAN
Ok, everybody just calm down, nobody is going to get probed, and the invasion isn’t until next week. I mean…just calm down.

With a loud bang, the front door bursts open. Commander steps into the room, with her two guards behind her. The entire room stands motionless, like deer caught in headlights.

COMMANDER
Soldiers, I hear you’ve been behaving erratically. What have you to say for yourself?

ETHAN
Commander, I believe it best if I could show you what we’ve been doing.

BEGIN RAPID-FIRE MONTAGE, EACH SHOT NO LONGER THAN ONE OR TWO SECONDS

*Commander gorges self on chocolate
*Commander takes a giant bong-rip
*Commander laughs hysterically
*Commander throws a water-balloon, then immediately gets hit by one, from another direction
*Commander plays drums, horribly, but enthusiastically
*Commander wrestles on the ground with Dog
*Commander sits in bed, hair messy, appears happy, but catatonic; Sexyman sits next to her, smoking a cigarette
*An old man opens his front door to find a flaming bag on his porch. He stomps it out. Across the street, Commander high-fives Terry and Ethan

END RAPID-FIRE MONTAGE

INT. LIVING ROOM – NIGHT

Terry, Ethan, Sexyman, Sexygirl, Commander and her guards, and all of the random lovers dance to dance music. Commander pumps her fists in the air.

COMMANDER
Whoooo! I love this place.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

LoL nice short Cracker.

Might be fun to end on the Commander big bellied (knocked-up) and like:


COMMANDER
You guys were right, I love this place!
(uncomfortable)
But the one thing I can’t get over is..


She reaches behind herself and -POP- pulls out a water glass.


COMMANDER
How bad the water tastes.


-Thanks-