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Need someone to quickly skim/ look over a few pages of my part of script

Z

zepplin

NEW UP DATE!!Need someone to quickly skim/ look over a few pages of my part of script

NEW UPDATE!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!Hey guys me again. I haven't updated in a bit cause I couldn't figure out where to go from here but I'm good now. You guys seem to be enjoying my script and are unimaginable friendly and supportive so I hope you guys enjoy what more I got done.

The story changed a bit I revised a bit of the middle just so you know. Now I tihnk I am officially half way done, maybe more. Good reading, cheers.

SCRIPT- http://pc.celtx.com/project/xsObonHlRqgE
ENJOY AND PLZ LEAVE FEEDBACK BOTH HERE AND/OR on CELTX


OH YEA WAIT. Apparently "Sam Fischer" is the name of some dude in a video game(I swear I didn't know). So if you guys could think of another last name that would fit that would be nice. I want to keep Sam though just need another last name so if anyone has any ideas plz let me know.
THX

http://pc.celtx.com/project/xsObonHlRqgE/view/http://celtx.com/res/1kEqvojZWTHA
 
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Sounds like an interesting story.. I'll take a closer look at it later when I have more time. :) The important thing is to get it written, then go back and worry about making it "good"

For now, the formatting looks pretty much correct (hard to go wrong when you write it in celtx) a couple suggestions though.. Rather than writing "SAM V.O." I would do "SAM (V.O.)" just to make it a little more clear as the Voice Over indication isn't a part of his name..

Other than that, try to cut down on the parentheticals... They are really only supposed to be used to explain how a line is delivered if it would otherwise be unclear based on the dialogue as written. A good example might be if a character is being sarcastic. Particularly the one that caught my eye was the (looking inside) and (shaking hands) for TONY in the Kitchen scene, and again in the next kitchen scene MOM (looking out the window) and the one about sam checking his watch.. looks like there are several more of the same kind of parentheticals scattered in there too.. These are actions, and should be written as such, not as a parenthetical.

So, for example the kitchen scene where Tony shows up...
(forgive the formatting, only so much one can do on the forum)


INT. KITCHEN - MORNING

Opening the door, DAD greets TONY, a young man in his late twenties. Tony peers in at him.


TONY​
Mr. Fischer?​


DAD​
Yes, how may I help you?​


TONY extends his hand in greeting. They shake hands.


TONY​
Sir, my name is Tony Barley. I'm with the​
Bradbury Building and Inspection Department.​
I've been asked to stop by and deliver this to you.​


TONY hands an envelope to DAD. He makes a mark on his clipboard and turns to leave.

TONY​
Have a good day, sir.​


TONY stops and looks back at DAD, curiously.


TONY​
I'm sorry. May I trouble you for a glass of​
water, sir? It's a long drive back to town.​


DAD hesitates very briefly, processing the strangers request.


DAD​
Yes, of course... Wait here, I'll bring​
it out to you.​
 
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Dumbest question of the month, but what the hell is Celtix?

As for the story, I really like where you're going with it, man. You've got the kind of great idea that can almost take on a life of its own and write itself.

Not that it makes those moments of writer's block any easier.
 
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Will Vincent said:
Celtx is a cross-platform (works on Windows, Mac, Linux), FREE, script writing software.. but it's a bit more than that too..

You can also write for Stage, TV, Comic Books, etc.. and it has built in breakdown & scheduling functionality too.. It's really an invaluable tool for the budget-conscious film maker.

http://celtx.com/
Click to expand...

Thanks, man.

I remember now, and I've been meaning to download it for ages.

As it is, all my scripts are kind of formatted like stage plays, which I've had more experience writing and putting together. It's fairly easy to read and follow, but it's still not right, you know?

Anyway, thanks again.
 
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first off, in the opening part, where you have a montage-type thing, you should put

INT. SHELTER - DAY

EXT - CITY - NIGHT

stares, not stars

There are many places where you need commas. there are many spelling errors.

SAM

Listen they wont be back for at least another day, so... maybe you can come over to my place tomorrow night.

PAMMY

Definitely, sounds like fun.

SAM

Great. I'll come back tomorrow.

PAMMY

OK.


This seems kind of confusing. Sam says she should come over, then, after she agrees, he says he`ll go to her house.

Other than some spelling errors and punctation errors, it`s not bad. I think you need to develop the characters a bit more. Pammy seems kind of like a whiney b***** and i don`t think thats what youre going for.

I love your concept. it reminds me of the book, 1984 and has a similar tone to the movie, children of men.
 
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While I've only briefly looked over the piece, I like the idea. Sounds a lot like Soylent Green, what with the government controlling the food. And Sam Fischer? Do you play Tom Clancy's Splinter Cell series? The main character is Sam Fisher. I dunno if that will affect you at all, but it was definitely on my mind throughout the story.

Otherwise, I thought it was good. A few spelling mistakes and improper words, but otherwise good.
 
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I think one thing that would help break the writers block is to think about what the underlying, or even overt message of the film is. You have the good elements of characters with good development potential and connectivity. Try and figure out what the idea you want to communicate. Film is an art. Its about entertaining, but with all art forms it is about communicating. The script does seem to have an Orwellian feel to it. I'll be interested to see where it goes.
 
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Definately look to Orwell for inspiration... and Holocaust films/books. Jakob the liar/Anne Frank/Schindler's List. I love this concept. Are you thinking of using it to present a message, or just as entertainment? If a Message, that will inform the story, you can work the plot backwards from that point. If entertainment, that also informs the story and can be worked backwards from the end.

I always write from an outline, it has major plot bits on a timeline along the way, I start with the beginning and the ending (or what ever point inspired the story in the first place), then I work up the rest form there adding bits as they become necessary to inform the rest... a character here, a situation there, a plot point to hit or a prop to place in someone's pocket for later in the story.

If character X needs to shoot someone at the end, there needs to be access to a gun at some point... and they need to end up in possession of the gun when it needs shooting. For most people, this situation is not very often, so you'd need to explain that point sometime before it's needed.

I build all of my stories backwards (often never getting farther than the outline as many of the writers associated with my group can tell you). I've always had problems building them sequentially. When it comes to dialog, I always go forward though, but that comes last in every script I write.
 
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Soylent Green meets 1984. :)

It's particularly important when writing a script to have your entire story figured out, you don't have the luxury of meandering through while the story "finds itself" as you might with a novel. Good reason to back up and write an outline. Know what happens at the beginning, the end, and what happens in the middle that makes your character(s) have to choose whether to commit to their plan or not that will lead them to that eventual end of the script.

Do they win? Lose?

Show, don't tell. Or in otherwords, use visual cues rather than dialogue wherever possible. Once your character(s) are in the final stretch, don't bog them down with unnecessary plot points or story development, that time is behind them, they've got to be on a more or less direct route to the final scene.

Write your outline, know your story, build the framework (the beginning, middle, end, and other important plot points/story twists) that the story will hinge on, and then build the script around that.
 
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Hey guys thx alot. I dont know when I posted the script up last time but I will re -post again in a few days with much new changes and revision. By the way, my writers block is Gone as of yesterday, started writing again and will repost in a few day and remember to check it out.
 
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Another piece of source material might be "Uncle Tom's Cabin" as well. The hint at the underground railroad (helping people escape, not a literal railroad) reminded me of that.
 
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Just one tibit. The job of a filmmaker is to entertain an audience. The job of the writer is to entertain the reader. Excite the reader, entertain the reader, elicit emotions in the reader - that is the "craft". Everything else is mechanics.

Since everyone is referencing familiar films, the first few lines took me to Arrakis. "He who controls the spice, controls the universe!" :)

Since you asked about format:

Watch out with the parentheticals. Those should be used very sparingly if at all. Try to use the action and/or dialogue to reveal how the character feels or acts.

Don't use italics. To emphasize sounds, use CAPS.

Avoid passive voice. "...was cooking...". Scrutinize anything that ends in "-ing" and see if you can find a good active verb to replace it.

I wouldn't use "(MEMORY)". Use "- FLASHBACK" if it's absolutely necessary. Better to have a key visual indicator that we're going forward and backward in time. Flashbacks are dangerous to use for new writers because they are often used too much. It takes an audience out of the narrative. It reminds them that they're watching a contrived movie and not a window into someone's life. Same holds true with voice overs. It's best to to reveal backstory through a character's actions, dialogue and "flaws". Conflicting / contrasting elements and characters can bring out nuances. And since your audience with a script is the reader, the best complement you could possibly get is "I forgot I was reading," meaning the writing was so vivid and compelling that it took them away from this world and into the world of your characters.

I'll add more later after you've posted your updates. Keep up the good work!
 
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And remember, as a matter of format... the hardest part of the script are the two words at the end... "THE END". If you get to those words, the rest is just editing... editing is the easy part ;)
 
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I know you have a lot of resources being thrown at you, but another book that I just remembered is "Anthem". It relates very well to your script. It is definitely worth looking at, Its been a while since I read it, but the parallels are the closest of any I can think of.
 
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Hi Zeppelin, just read your script. I love 'big brother' movies and as other said it reminded me of 1984 (and V for Vendetta, Dark City, Children of Men..) which is definitely not a bad thing lol

The story is gripping, I look forward to reading the rest. The only fault I could find really is in a bit of the spelling, which will probably be easily fixed at the final editing.

But anyway, well done :)
 
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