Here are the logline, the premise and the detailed synopsis for a short film idea (10-12 min).
Any constructive critique or detailed feedback is appreciated. Before reading the synopsis, please read the logline and the premise, and tell me if it's well constructed and tells what the story is about. You know, I need to tell people what the idea is in less words. If not, suggest how to better summarize the story. And of course, give feedback to the idea itself.
Logline
Premise
Synopsis
Any constructive critique or detailed feedback is appreciated. Before reading the synopsis, please read the logline and the premise, and tell me if it's well constructed and tells what the story is about. You know, I need to tell people what the idea is in less words. If not, suggest how to better summarize the story. And of course, give feedback to the idea itself.
Logline
Code:
A young couple of guitarists compete each other to be the first to recruit a drummer and a
vocalist to a new band, in order to enter the band as the guitarist. They neglect their high
school friend, who works as a janitor and asks them to recruit him as a drummer or a
vocalist, but eventually realize that the janitor is not what he seems.
Premise
Code:
A young couple of guitarists, which compete each other all the time, arrive to meet a rock
music producer to enter a new band as guitarists, after an online audition. They meet
their high school friend, a loser who works as a janitor but dreams to become a drummer
or a vocalist. They find out that the producer needs only one of them – the first who
recruits a vocalist and a drummer into the band. They compete each other in their
searching journey, ignoring and neglecting the janitor time after time. Eventually they
realize that the janitor is not what he seems.
Synopsis
Code:
Yair and Meital, a young couple of guitarists of 30, enter a record label company building,
arguing about who is going to play guitar solos, and who will play the chords. From their
conversation we learn, that the producer of that company named Jeffry has invited them
after an online audition, allowing them to choose who will play what. Their debate gets
interrupted by Yogev, a young, nerdish type employee of 27, who invites them into the
guest hall.
As the couple enters the hall and sit down, Yogev offers them coffee. Yair asks for black
coffee, and Meital asks for Nescafe. Yogev goes away. They go on debating, when Tal, a
janitor of 30 who washes the floor, approaches them and asks them to raise their feet.
When they do, his mop falls down. When he bends to pick it up, they look at his face
and recognize each other. They and Tal know each other from high school.
Tal was always the loser, and Yair and Meital were always mocking him that he won’t
achieve nothing. Yet Tal always dreamed to be a drummer or a vocalist in a rock band.
Yair and Meital say they have come to join a new band as guitarists. Tal begs them to
talk to Jeffry about him as the new drummer or vocalist, because he himself is afraid
to do that. They gently refuse him, saying that musical career is not for him. Yair is
less tolerant, so Meital calms him down, saying he should show compassion.
Yogev returns with the coffee, but both are black, when Meital wanted Nescafe. She
hints Yair to say something (well, he’s the man), but Yair doesn’t understand her hints.
Leaving the guest hall, Yogev gets a phone call. Yair and Meital hear him saying, - “Yes,
both are here. Only one you need? Who I’m sending home?”. Yogev leaves the hall,
Meital and Yair follow him.
They don’t find Yogev, but they find an office with a sign that says “Producer”. They
enter it and see Dana, a fat woman of 35, eats a hamburger. Behind her is the door with
the sign “Jeffry”. She replies them angrily, that Jeffry isn’t here, and asks, whether they
have decided who’s going to be the guitarist, as only one is needed. Meital hints Yair to
say something about it, and Yair complains about the coffee, that both were black. Meital
rolls her eyes, and brings up her memories of how she worked many years to become a
guitarist. Yair brings up his own memories from high school, when he used to play in a
rock band as a guitarist, but they disbanded.
Dana stops their complaints, saying that Jeffry has had a difficulty to choose, so he said
he would hire the one that will be the first to recruit a drummer and a vocalist to the
band. Within a few seconds of Yair and Meital glancing at each other, their competition
starts.
Yair and Meital sit on the opposite sides of the guest hall, making calls to people who offer
themselves as drummers and vocalists to rock bands on the internet. Since both call to
the same people, representing the same company, the people find it strange and refuse.
Meanwhile, Tal, the janitor, cleans around, hoping that one of them will notice him.
Meital finally finds a high school student named David, who wants to be a drummer. He
says he’s at school, so Meital promises to pick him up. Yair, frustrated, dials the number
of Sivan, the vocalist from the high school band he was in. No answer. He remembers
where she lived back then. He approaches his car outside, but finds out he forgot the key.
When he returns, there are no keys and no Meital. He runs outside and sees Meital driving
off.
Yair sees Tal cleaning outside, singing something happy to the mop as if to a mic. Tal
approaches to speak to him, but Yair says, - “Not now!”. Tal gets upset, turns away, and
goes on singing, but this time something sad. Yair stares at him for a few seconds, but
then smiles with neglect and catches a taxi.
When Meital arrives to the school where David studies, but finds out that someone has
already ordered him a taxi, so the boy just got inside and left. She is mad at Yair, but
knows she’ll see both in the record company.
Yair arrives at Sivan’s house, and finds out she has been picked up by someone. He return
to the record company.
When Meital returns, she finds no one besides Tal, who drums on a table while cleaning it,
listening to music from earphones. She stares at him, Tal looks back. When he removes
the earphones and tries to speak to her, she smiles, turns her back to him and walks away.
Still, we see a regret on her face.
Then Yair comes, but not with David. She blames him for stealing her recruitment, and he
blames her for stealing Sivan. Both have no idea what the other is talking about, but keep
the debate until they see Yogev with a cup of coffee, talking on the phone. “Yes, Jeff, no
sugar, as always”, - he says, which exposes the fact the Jeffry IS here. When he spots Yair
and Meital, he drops the coffee and runs away. Yair and Meital forget about the debate and
follow him to the “Producer” labeled office.
On their way they confront Tal, who openly asks them to recruit him as a vocalist or a
drummer. Yair means to say something, but suddenly Meital bursts in rage, tells Tal to fuck
off, saying she wouldn’t recruit a loser like him, even if he was the last man on Earth. Tal
lowers his glance, broken, humiliated. He turns around and walks away, hardly cleaning the
floor. Yair looks at him with regret, makes a step towards him, but then Meital shouts, -
“Are you coming or what?!”. Yair follows her as a puppy.
They enter the “Producer” office, surprising Dana, who drops her hamburger, and Yogev.
Meital pushes Dana aside. Yogev stands between the couple and the door which says “Jeffry”.
Their furious glances scare him, so he moves aside himself. Yair and Meital enter. Yogev
shouts, - “I fought till the end!”…
Upon entering Jeffry’s office they see Tal with the mop and Sivan. They ask where Jeffry is.
Tal throws away the mop and looks straight at them, as the real producer. Both Mietal and
Yair are shocked. “What have you done to Jeffry?!”, - Yair asks. Everybody roll their eyes.
His face changes as if he understands that Tal and Jeffry is the same person, but then he
accuses Tal of trying to take control of Jeffry’s business. Now Tal himself rolls his eyes
and explains that he is Jeffry.
Tal/Jeffry explains that all of this was a test, and that Sivan, Yogev and Dana were a part
of this. He wanted to find out, whether Yair and Meital have grown up and would stop
mocking him as they did in high school, but apparently he was wrong. He asks them,
whether they think they deserve that he hires them as guitarists. Both are in complete
disdain and regrets. Meital starts crying, begging for forgiveness. Yair goes mad, saying
that personal issues shouldn’t go over business.
Tal/Jeffry knows he must teach them a lesson, but seems to feel sorry for them. He doesn’t
like what he’s doing. He and Sivan try to calm Meital, but in vain. Finally, he decides to
take them to the band. He says he forgives, but not forgets, and hires them because this
way they will forever depend on the one they used to mock and neglect. The couple calms
down, Yair and Tal shakes hands. Tal also mentions he still needs a drummer, when
suddenly David, the high school teenager enters the office and says he was called there as
an option for a drummer. Tal/Jeffry smiles.
A few days later, Yair, Meital, Sivan and David do a rehearsal in a studio. The track runs,
David starts drumming. But nor Yair neither Meital start the guitar chords. They return to
their original argument – who plays guitar solo and who plays chords. Both want to play the
solo. Hearing their debate, Tal/Jeffry enters the studio, saying he has just fired his sound
editor, and needs a new one. Yair and Meital look at each other for a few seconds, stumble at
each other and run away to be the first to get Jeffry a new sound editor.
The End