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looking for comments and remarks on what i have so far

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buserb1

Wood's

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Brenton

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Brenton

Address

State and ZIP

Phone Number

email:*buserbrent16 @gmail.com

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EXT. JACK AND* SARA'S HOME* DAY

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It is early in the morning as the scene reveals the couples home cast in a slight morning haze light reflex's off of the dew on the grass , as a pink hue stretches across the sky . Birds can be heard lightly in the back ground.

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INT. JACK AND* SARA'S HOME - KITCHEN DAY

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CUT TO:

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The obvious remains of a party liter the kitchen, Bottles and wine glasses are scattered across the counter . Party trays still lay half eaten* around the room the trash over flowing various liquids pool around the can. Dishes are stacked in the sink, soft music plays lightly in the background.

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INT. JACK AND* SARA'S HOME - BEDROOM DAY

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CUT TO:

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The music now plays at a soft but audible level as JACK can be seen sitting on the bed , at 36 Jack thought he'd have been a dad by now many a couple times over but instead it had been a hard* 6 year journey, that left him mentally, emotionally, and financially* drained. SARAH lies next to him sleeping her pail 32 year old frail frame displayed her almost angel like draping blond hair she was by all means a definitive example of a pin up beauty. In all respects she loved Jack with her entire soul and yet she felt a deep resentment towards him for he had been unable to give her the child she so desperately wanted .* Jacks hand's rest on the bed as he looks at the floor distant from the world around him his mind wanders over the events from the nights party, sleep had eluded him through out the night he just sat their looking at the floor, as love songs played filling the air with the sound of their melodies, the pop and crackles from the player giving the tune a : older, deeper feeling* . Various* people can be heard in the background* as the music is slowly drowned out by the in comprehensible conversations, the conversations continue to grow coming to the audible for-font, Jack moves his hands to rub his face, the conversations becoming very loud filling the air with a uneasy, unstable feeling.* Suddenly* the music stops playing as the* record player scratches the record producing* static.*** Sara fidgets for a moment before rolling onto her side. Her eyes open and she sees Jack sitting on the edge of the bed . the camera moves to his face, he stairs blankly at the floor as if his whole soul had been torn from him and he hadn't been given as much as a warning . Sara reaches up and touches his back in a reassuring manner , Jack reached his hand back and grabs hers as he looks back and smilies at her, a hint of sadness lingers in their eyes as the record player comes to a stop producing a pop, the scene lingers for a moment before cutting away .

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EXT. JACK AND* SARA'S HOME - DRIVEWAY DAY

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CUT TO:

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Jack places a large backpack in the car as Sara walk towards him from behind carrying a backpack and a tent bag. Jack turn towards her when she places the bags on the ground.

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SARA

" Did we get everything ?"

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Jack picks up the bags Sara brought out.

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JACK

" I think we did "

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Jack place's the bags in the trunk. Sara walks up behind him and hug him placing her arms around him as she rest her head on his back.

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SARA

" Good " pauses a moment " I'm really glade were doing this ".

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Jack turns around and places his arms around her waist.* As he lightly touches her cheek lovingly.

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JACK

(looks into her eyes.)

" you know we're going to get through this " he pauses for a moment as he pulls* her into a hug. " everything is going to be fine " he kisses her head softly.

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The camera pulls away on the two holding each other in the drive way.

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EXT. JACK AND* SARA'S CAR DAY

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CUT TO:

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The car drives along the highway as several shots pass with the car in different areas along the highway.

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INT. JACK AND* SARA'S CAR DAY

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CUT TO:

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Jack is driving the car as Sara reads from a file.* Jack looks at the file for a second as the camera pans to a the file and a baby's photo can be seen.

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SARA

(smiles slightly with sadness in her eyes )

" she's so beautiful isn't she ? "

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Jack reaches over and rubs her shoulder.

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INT. JACK AND* SARA'S HOME - LIVING ROOM NIGHT

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CUT TO:

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* flashback * A large group is gathered in then living room talking and laughing in various groups . music plays making the party goers conversations inaudible. As the party continues MARK steps forward and taps* his glass with a fork drawing the crowds attention to him.

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MARK

" wow more of you then I thought. "

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The crowed laughs.

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MARK

(continued)

chuckles " but seriously we all know why were here it's because a* journey that took to long is almost over we are here to celebrate the finale twenty four hours before these two kids become the best , coolest, and* definitely craziest parents here ."

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Mark raises his glass.

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MARK

(continued)

"* To my brother and my lovely sister in-law Jack and Sara "

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The crowd raises their glasses, before the room is filled with applause and congratulations.

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EXT. RANGERS STATION AND PARK ENTRANCE. DAY

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CUT TO:

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Jacks pulls the car into the parking lot and the car's lights turn off as Jack and Sara exit the vehicle.

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MARK

" hey glade y'all could make it "**

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Mark and Jack embrace each other in a friendly hug. As Sara and ASHELY continue to walk towards each other, before hugging and holding hands, the two groups had small moment long conversations mainly hello . Ashely, Marks wife is in her mid to late 30's same general age as Mark* she was larger then Mark in physical size which set the tone in Mark, and hers relationship she often took control over him and although she wished he would sometimes be more aggressive she truly did enjoy being dominant .*

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SARA

" Oh we wouldn't have missed it for the world truth be told I'm just glade for the distraction. "

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Ashely softly rubbed the tops of Sara's hands with Her thumbs. As Jack nodded at Mark.

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JACK

(to the group but aimed at Mark* )

" well let's get the gear "
 
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Sorry about the *'s some kinda mess up between the script software I used and the forums its just suppose to be a space their. I'm rely looking for comments on the chars and the chars relation to each other and the scene as well as dialog.




The basic plot of the movie is a husband and wife decide to have a child and after a couple years of trying unsuccessfully they decide that they will adopt a child . The movie takes place a few years after they make that choice. It begins on the last day the biological mother has to say rather or not she will keep the child. To help the couple get through the next twenty-four hours Man 1's ( let's call him Jack ) brother ( lets call him Mark ) and Mark's wife take Jack and his wife ( Sara ) on a camping trip.


During the trip the various people have flashbacks to the previous nights events where several events had occurred to the different members of the group. The primary if which is that Sara reviled to Mark that she had gotten pregnant with his child she tells Mark not to tell Jack and that if the adoption falls through then she and Jack would raise the baby without Jack any the wiser. Several other events transpire thought the party but I have yet to come up with anything I want to defiantly include upon the movie.

So the group makes it to the woods for their camping trip and as they do Mark hears a high pitch far off whistle sound he shrugs it off and the group proceeds into the forest. They venture on as more members of the group hear the whistle ignoring it at first but it begins to drive them more and more towards insanity with Mark having been the first exposed obviously he has the most extreme symptoms. The group eventually come across cult sacrifices and experience unexplained happenings as they are drawn to discover the source of the strange whistle.



( the plot )
 
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Untitled_zps817ec757.gif



Here's another formatting guide: http://www.scribd.com/doc/12721428/Professional-Screenplay-Formatting-Guide
Also might wanna take a good through a dozen of these, especially anything less than two or three years old: http://www.imsdb.com/latest/
 
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It’s very difficult to ask your fellow screenwriters to ignore
your format and comment only on “chars and chars relation
to each other” and the dialogue.

You don’t need to post the title page for us to comment on your
dialogue and characters.

“It is early in the morning as the scene reveals the couples home cast in a slight morning haze light reflex's off of the dew on the grass ”

In the Action line you do not need to tell the reader what the
“scene” reveals. The Action line is the scene. You don’t need
to be so “flowery” - you can set the scene more simply.

“The obvious remains of a party” - not needed. Write what we see.
Do not tell us that what we are seeing is obvious.

“as JACK can be seen” - not needed. You write that Jack is on the
bed the reader will understand that he will be seen. We get it.

“Jack thought he'd have been a dad by now many a couple times over but instead it had been a hard* 6 year journey, that left him mentally, emotionally, and financially* drained.”

Write what can be shown. There is no way to see what Jack is thinking.
As the audience watches Jack sitting on the bed how do they know the
journey is 6 years and not 4? How does the watcher of the movie know
that the guy sitting on the bed thought he would have been a dad by
now? He’s just sitting there.

Same with everything you write about Sarah; How can a director and
an actor get across to the audience that she feels deep resentment? AND
know that the resentment is about not having a child. If she makes a
"resentment" face or move how does the movie watcher know it's not
because he forgot her birthday for the fifth straight year?

What you do here is set up some very important character traits that simply
cannot be seen on the screen. Most writers then do not explore this in words
and actions because they feel the audience already knows this.

You need to develop characters through action and dialogue in a screenplay.
 
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Rik's advice is pretty much spot on. Show, don't tell. Much of your action blocks read like a one-hander (as he stroked her silken thigh), and check your punctuation and spelling. I found two instances where "glad" was spelled "glade". I took several classes from a man named Lew Hunter who used to stress that people often judged a screenplay by how the pages looked. Did it LOOK 'professional'? If so, they were more willing and able to judge pacing and rythym. If it looked amateurish, it created a mental speedbump that interfered with the story. No matter how nice your car is on the inside, if it's a puke mustard yellow Gremlin on the outside, you ain't getting laid in it.

For the record, my first teleplay (for CHiPS) was ALL CAPS and infected with the 'wryly's. And my thought was 'Hell, they'll fix it. That's THEIR job.'
 
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Maxsdad said:
For the record, my first teleplay (for CHiPS) was ALL CAPS and infected with the 'wryly's. And my thought was 'Hell, they'll fix it. That's THEIR job.'
Click to expand...
:lol:

And to your nubile astonishment you found out: NO! No, it isn't THEIR job! It's YOUR job! The Writer!!

Practical experience is a delightful teacher. :yes::no::D
 
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Thank you to every one I again apologize for the spelling and grammer errors I promise i did proof read it I just did not see every thing obviously sorry again.


As far as the format is concerned it looks a lot better in the software I used then on here for what ever reason it got really messed up in the transfer. I'll post it again later in the correct form and with even better spelling and grammer corrections .

I truly thank you all for commenting on the characters dispute the horrible format I won't make the mistake of posting it out of form again.

I had read that it was best to show and not tell but I didn't even think to tale it in such a literal fashion I'll begin immediately changing that and any other sections where I did not express what was happening correctly.

Thank yo all again for the help and I'm sorry I made the same form mistake again I promise it looks better in the software.

I'll repost once I make the needed changes and wright more of the script.
 
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buserb1 said:
As far as the format is concerned it looks a lot better in the software I used then on here for what ever reason it got really messed up in the transfer.
Click to expand...
Your problem with format isn’t the transfer between software
and the forums. You are using the parenthetical for action. All
action goes in the Action paragraph. You overuse “cut to”. You
put dialogue in quotes.

Then there’s your writing style. You jump from present tense
to past tense to present progressive.

It seems as if you have never read a screenplay. Nothing bad
about that. But when you post here for comments your obvious
mistakes and lack of understanding about screenplays will get
more comments than your characters and story. There is so
much more to a proper screenplay than spell check. You’ll get
there. You just need a lot of work.

buserb1 said:
I had read that it was best to show and not tell but I didn't even think to tale it in such a literal fashion
Click to expand...
Step number one. Show don't tell is meant to be taken quite
literally. Do not write what cannot be seen on camera.
 
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I see their is no denying my mistakes you again have my apologies I have only read 1 and part of a second screen play so far I think I'm going to take a break from working on woods until I have learned the proper way to make my screen play I will get this done I will learn how to wright correctly and with all you help I will complete ' woods '. Thank you so so much for all your help.
 
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