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Logline help

R

RH84

Hi,

Im having trouble creating the logline for my short film that I'm about to send to festivals.
(I know, I know, I was supposed to have one already) and I have a couple but find it impossible to choose or judge their quality.
I'll post 2 here, any comments/ feedback/ help would be more then welcome!

- Struggling with a fatal illness a young man with Down syndrome has one last wish: To marry the love of his life.

- A determined man with down syndrome wont let his fatal heart condition nor society’s judgment get in the way of marrying his high school sweetheart.


(I find it hard to implement both the resistance of church to marry them and the fact that he does not have very much longer to live)

Thank you so much in advance!
 
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If you go with the first one, put a comma after "Struggling with a fatal illness". It also might be confusing because people will think Down syndrome is the fatal illness. Maybe something like...

Struggling with a heart condition and Down syndrome, a young man is determined to beat societal pressure and marry his high school sweetheart.

OR

Struggling with a heart condition and Down syndrome, a young man beats religious pressure and marries his high school sweetheart.

Though I don't know if he actually marries her. Good luck with the film festival.
 
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laughingcrow said:
I like the first one. Here's an even simpler version.

A young man with a fatal illness has one last wish: to marry the love of his life.
Click to expand...

This is the best so far but still not a killer (pun unintended).

I found writing log lines being one or the toughest part of the business -- they absolutely have to work. I've been using quotes from film reviewers since many are far better wordsmiths than I.
 
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I'm thinking a terminal illness and downs syndrome is big bite for a logline, perhaps deciding which disease is most fundamental to the story and go with that in the logline?
dos centavos via paypal.
 
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I think the down syndrome is important to the story (the woman he wants to marry has DS too).

(a heart defect is a common occurrence for people with DS) his has developed to a stage where he will only have 2 more months to live.

His sister (care-taker) wants to plan the wedding asap that his wish can come true before it is to late, only to find resistance from the church. They don't see a couple with DS fit for marriage. (responsibility wise). Hence the question rises, will they get married in their church before it is to late?

ps. They do get married eventually and he dies, while the ending reveals the woman being pregnant. (one of the reasons the church opposed in the first place)

I dont think that should be given away in the logline right?
 
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RH84 said:
(a heart defect is a common occurrence for people with DS) his has developed to a stage where he will only have 2 more months to live.
Click to expand...

I would put the emphasis on that.

ie, When a terminally ill young man discovers he has only two months left to live, he determines to make the most of it by marrying his old high school sweetheart -- only to find resistance from both without and within.

GL
 
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A young couple with Down Syndrome must fight Church and family to marry, the young man's final wish when diagnosed with a fatal heart condition.

WHO must overcome WHAT because WHY.

Good luck! It sounds like an excellent movie.
 
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A psychologist struggles to cure a troubled boy who is haunted by a bizarre affliction – he sees dead people. - "The Sixth Sense"

This is a great logline. Notice how it doesn't try to encapsulate all the sub-plots. Just one main idea strong enough to capture the reader's attention.
 
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