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Jaw: It's what you don't care for; A screenplay

PassionPulp

PassionPulp

Hey diddle diddle, Cat and the Fiddle.
I tried very hard to actually get the small amount of screenplay I had read.
But I was told it was not the right format, therefore impossible to read.
So I did the best I could to format it accordingly. Even if it meant stripping the detail I worked hard on.
I hope it's not pretentious, as I sometimes feel that way. Although now I feel the characters aren't appealing.
But I'll admit to dropping all self-confidence and putting my sense of worth into others hands.
Then again, it's just a story. That's not finished.

https://docs.google.com/open?id=0B_EbecS035djZTU0YWU5ZGYtYTEzMy00YTk0LWJiODgtZGI4N2E2NmNkYmZi
 
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My first question would be: Is English your first/native language? I mean no offense by that. I ask because of the way you construct some of your sentences, and some of the grammatical errors you've made. For instance, when describing the Medicine man, you switch from "it" to "he" in the same sentence. There are a couple more there as well.

Second: You're writing prose. It seems you're trying to be creative by hiding some of the information from us. Instead you should write a screenplay.

Third: You're still not formatting very well. Example: When you introduce a new character, if it isn't obvious, give sex and approximate age, "Sam(male, 20's)". I use Sam because it couls be Samantha or Samuel. Also, you're starting your pages in the "wrong" place, like cutting dialogue in half, from one page to the next.

As soon as your characters start talking, all your beautiful descriptive powers disappear. What are they doing. Brief action lines help us keep track of what is happening.

I didn't finish it cause it is difficult to follow. Remember you are not writing a novel. Don't hide stuff.

Hope this helps.

Edit: Download Celtx, its free and will make your formating so much easier.
 
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I agree with the others in that there seems to be a lot of description and not a lot of dialogue. I also had a hard time following it at times. The formatting didn't bother me much, but celtx is definitely a viable alternative.
 
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Murdock said:
My first question would be: Is English your first/native language? I mean no offense by that. I ask because of the way you construct some of your sentences, and some of the grammatical errors you've made. For instance, when describing the Medicine man, you switch from "it" to "he" in the same sentence. There are a couple more there as well.

Second: You're writing prose. It seems you're trying to be creative by hiding some of the information from us. Instead you should write a screenplay.

Third: You're still not formatting very well. Example: When you introduce a new character, if it isn't obvious, give sex and approximate age, "Sam(male, 20's)". I use Sam because it couls be Samantha or Samuel. Also, you're starting your pages in the "wrong" place, like cutting dialogue in half, from one page to the next.
Click to expand...

1st: I found and fixed the error you pointed out. I chose not to lable him a gender until I felt he was identified one. I guess I'll look over it to make as much sense as possible for future readers.

2nd: If you were to clarify what information I left out, that would be lovely. As I described what is seen, except for general character ages and physical characteristics.

3rd: I believed it was clear by 'he's and she's' enough, but if it really is that hard to follow, I could assign gender titles. I've been working on a restricted laptop, so I've used what was available.

Otherwise, blah blah blah. Your critcism is appreciated. I'll return with a simpler rendition.
 
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Did you even look at the screenplay I posted. If you are going to share your work, it should be in format. Otherwise, what has already happened will continue to happen. People that read screenplays are looking for different cues that should be present in the SP. You aren't doing that. If you want to shoot this yourself, fine. If you want to share it/have some else shoot it, it needs to be in format.

2nd: At one point I thought I was reading about a horse???:) The writing has a Faulkneresque feel to it. If that helps explain my meaning. Maybe its info overload for a SP??

3rd: It doesn't matter what you believe/think. Its what others think about what you've done. From getting actors to crew to funding. If you were to show that mess around you would probably get none of the above. Not trying to be mean, just frank.

If you will notice: Noone has commented on your story. Correct your format and that will change.

As to your computer: Download Celtx, its FREE!! :) I write on a cheapo Wal-Mart laptop. Celtx isn't an intense program you need an awsome computer for. If you mean restricted as in you aren't allowed to add programs, you will need to format manually.

Cause its early and I'm feeling good, here's the link: http://celtx.com/

Here's a link explaining format: http://scriptfrenzy.org/howtoformatascreenplay
 
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Hee I don't know if you heard this ....but jou should use celtx...,its awsome and free...
Also the Indian dude is described to every detail....but joure dont do the same to new caracters....thats confusing.

Also.....I dont understand the story.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=OYquV8amr_I
 
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