Please, critique and give tips. Is this intercut wrote well?:
Int. Susan’s room – afternoon
SUSAN (17) lies on her bed. She uses her laptop. Susan grabs into the potato chips bag, which lies right on her nightstand. Her cell phone rings. Susan answer the call.
INTERCUT: Susan’s room/ Lucas’ room
LUCAS
Hi, Susan!
Susan
Hi, Lucas.
Lucas
(nervously)
I wanna ask you something.
Susan
Which is?
Lucas
(stammer)
I wanna ask you if you would like to meet me?
Susan
You mean a date?
Lucas
Y – Yes, a d – date.
Susan
Why not?
Lucas
Really?
Susan
Yes. When and where?
Lucas
8 p.m.? Café at the park?
Susan
Sounds good. Bye.
Lucas
Bye
Int. Susan’s room – same
Susan’s legs dances with joy on the bed. She vents the whole happiness.
Int. Susan’s room – afternoon
SUSAN (17) lies on her bed. She uses her laptop. Susan grabs into the potato chips bag, which lies right on her nightstand. Her cell phone rings. Susan answer the call.
INTERCUT: Susan’s room/ Lucas’ room
LUCAS
Hi, Susan!
Susan
Hi, Lucas.
Lucas
(nervously)
I wanna ask you something.
Susan
Which is?
Lucas
(stammer)
I wanna ask you if you would like to meet me?
Susan
You mean a date?
Lucas
Y – Yes, a d – date.
Susan
Why not?
Lucas
Really?
Susan
Yes. When and where?
Lucas
8 p.m.? Café at the park?
Susan
Sounds good. Bye.
Lucas
Bye
Int. Susan’s room – same
Susan’s legs dances with joy on the bed. She vents the whole happiness.