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Is this intercut used well? (Example, no project)

F

Future_Screen

Please, critique and give tips. Is this intercut wrote well?:


Int. Susan’s room – afternoon

SUSAN (17) lies on her bed. She uses her laptop. Susan grabs into the potato chips bag, which lies right on her nightstand. Her cell phone rings. Susan answer the call.

INTERCUT: Susan’s room/ Lucas’ room

LUCAS
Hi, Susan!

Susan
Hi, Lucas.

Lucas
(nervously)
I wanna ask you something.

Susan
Which is?

Lucas
(stammer)
I wanna ask you if you would like to meet me?

Susan
You mean a date?

Lucas
Y – Yes, a d – date.

Susan
Why not?

Lucas
Really?

Susan
Yes. When and where?

Lucas
8 p.m.? Café at the park?

Susan
Sounds good. Bye.

Lucas
Bye​

Int. Susan’s room – same

Susan’s legs dances with joy on the bed. She vents the whole happiness.
 
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Did you read the article? This method, as you have it, shows both characters on screen at the same time. Is this what you intended?
 
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He is asking are these for production or sale? If for sale you have to be close to perfect with formatting, and perfect with grammar. If for your own production you should also but it can be looser as long as you, your cast, and crew understand.
 
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You should probably worry about story at this point, and flesh out a screenplay, come back, and work on format. You seem to have a basic grasp which is fine for now. But do you have a story to tell? Get it on paper. Instead of random examples you type on the fly, you can post passages, and get real help instead of us dissecting hypotheticals. If you get stuck, you can always ask for format help. But if I were you I'd start hammering out a script. It's like learning Spanish. You don't have to learn it all to start using it, and the more you use it, the better you get. ;)
 
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What is your motivation to write if you have not any story to motivate you? As Richard Walter says, if you are not burned inside you to express your stories as a screenwriter, then choosing screenwriting just as a job is a very bad
idea.
 
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The grammar is off but English is not your first language so not concentrating on that.
The dialog is stiff and not realistic. Hi, hi, bye, bye, people don't talk like that.
The Intercut with all the dialog listed after without cutting back is not the best method for phone calls, unless you want a split screen. Which is why I linked to the article.

But here we are offering help to a screenplay that does not exist. That dialog was made up. The scene was made up. You don't have a story with a phone call. We can help better if you have a story or are actually working on something...
 
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