critique I Hear You - short story to screenplay (WIP)

[river123]

I wrote a 4 page short story that I'm trying to turn into a screenplay. So far I have just the beginning in screenplay format. Would love some opinions or pointers if you have any. The gist of the story: A lonely, sentient star sings a song that only one human can hear.

Short story: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1SrUg1th5n0YghnMwS5NshX5sH-yxpUw7-StX-pYO8VE/edit?usp=sharing

Screenplay: https://docs.google.com/document/d/1bKP2u2x3YS6yxqZXGLixQY-_TSDxt8hSoNj1uPT7w8Q/edit?usp=sharing

(I'm not very familiar with online forums, let alone this specific one, so if I'm doing anything wrong feel free to correct me.)

 

[mlesemann]

It's cute and sweet - I like it.

Notes:

I always recommend that screenwriters get used to using dedicated software as it makes proper formatting more intuitive. It won't let you make mistakes like not putting
EXT. earth - day
In all capitals.

Final Draft is the dominant software, but there are plenty of others that are cheaper or have free versions or trials. These include Celtx, Fade In, Writer Duet, and Studio Binder.

All full slug lines need DAY or NIGHT, even one in SPACE - so add that in your first line.

If you're planning to direct this yourself, you can do whatever you want. If not, stay away from camera directions such as ZOOM OUT.

Keep it tight. The star's first 2 lines "Hello?" and "Is anyone there?" work well, but you don't really need the 2nd "Hello?"

I HATE "we view" and its cousin "we see." Just say what's on the screen.

Don't over-describe (as one of my colleagues on here says frequently). I suggest that you skip lines like the earth spins gently etc.

Stick to things that we can SEE on the screen. For example, if we're seeing earth from space, we can't see that "prehistoric creatures roam its surface." And on page 2, we can't see that "much time has passed," nor can we see later passages of time.

If you want to indicate that time has passed without using SUPRA: X AMOUNT OF TIME LATER, consider having the star complain about the passage of time. It could be incorporated into the song.

You can cut the hospital scene and go straight to 4 month old Lucy.

Make the parents' lines on page 3 (much) less on the nose re the likelihood of Lucy remembering a song at her age. LIkewise her line at 13 - I think you can find a way to convey that idea without her saying it.

Good luck with it!

 

[river123]

It's cute and sweet - I like it.

Notes:

I always recommend that screenwriters get used to using dedicated software as it makes proper formatting more intuitive. It won't let you make mistakes like not putting
EXT. earth - day
In all capitals.

Final Draft is the dominant software, but there are plenty of others that are cheaper or have free versions or trials. These include Celtx, Fade In, Writer Duet, and Studio Binder.

All full slug lines need DAY or NIGHT, even one in SPACE - so add that in your first line.

If you're planning to direct this yourself, you can do whatever you want. If not, stay away from camera directions such as ZOOM OUT.

Keep it tight. The star's first 2 lines "Hello?" and "Is anyone there?" work well, but you don't really need the 2nd "Hello?"

I HATE "we view" and its cousin "we see." Just say what's on the screen.

Don't over-describe (as one of my colleagues on here says frequently). I suggest that you skip lines like the earth spins gently etc.

Stick to things that we can SEE on the screen. For example, if we're seeing earth from space, we can't see that "prehistoric creatures roam its surface." And on page 2, we can't see that "much time has passed," nor can we see later passages of time.

If you want to indicate that time has passed without using SUPRA: X AMOUNT OF TIME LATER, consider having the star complain about the passage of time. It could be incorporated into the song.

You can cut the hospital scene and go straight to 4 month old Lucy.

Make the parents' lines on page 3 (much) less on the nose re the likelihood of Lucy remembering a song at her age. LIkewise her line at 13 - I think you can find a way to convey that idea without her saying it.

Good luck with it!

Thank you so much for the advice! I've actually been using StudioBinder and just copy pasted what I had into google docs for easier sharing. In StudioBinder the formatting is more correct because it capitalizes everything for you. And then what you said about the redundant bit of dialogue and the unnecessary descriptions make sense. I'll keep refining it and maybe one day I can post something better on here. Thanks again!