I Could Use Some Eyes...

[NickClapper]

Delicious.

But the real reason I'm posting is sort of different. A little bit.

I've just finished a first draft of a feature screenplay called The Flight of the Flamingo and, if everything goes well, I'd like to film it this summer. I know it's being ambitious but I figure that we might as well be ambitious and not fanny about the whole time.

Anyhow, I'm not (currently) looking for advice on the production side of things but I am on the writing. So I'd really appreciate it if people gave it a read. I'd love for people to read it all but I appreciate that it might be easier to just read a few pages. I'd appreciate either and all the feedback I can get.

LOGLINE: A group of young society criminals take a dog hostage but when they can't remove it's tracking chip, and armed men start pursuing them, things rapidly get out of control.

It's basically my anti-gritty British gangster movie thesis. Should be darkly funny in places, but it's kind of a road movie with a little bit of social reality and a little bit of wish fulfilment. Romance, violence, mystery, intrigue... a little bit of each of these things.

At the moment it's a bit slight, so I'd appreciate if anyone has any ideas about additional scenes or if, when reading it, anyone feels like a scene could be extended a little. Also if anyone has any ideas how things could be scaled down in order to be easier to shoot on a low budget and short timeframe, that sort of thing is appreciated.

But, yeah, basically I'd like to know what works and what doesn't (in terms of story, lines, characters...etc) and what changes I should make in the next draft.

Cheers and here's the link:

[URL="RETRACTED UNTIL AFTER PRODUCTION[/URL]

 

[Ernest Worthing]

Would love to.

How much time do i have?

And i couldnt give advice on the technical side of things, only on the overall feel and appeal and pacing etc.

 

[NickClapper]

Would love to.

How much time do i have?

And i couldnt give advice on the technical side of things, only on the overall feel and appeal and pacing etc.

Thanks and for you, Ernest, all the time in the world

In terms of technical things: I'm not that worried either. There are few niggly formatting things and some hilarious typos (I called a dress 'violent' instead of 'violet') but I'm more concerned about story, characters, pacing...etc.

Thanks a lot to you and anyone else who's willing to break bread with me

PS: Apologies, in advance, about a few missing possessive apostrophes. Reading it back last night showed me what goes missing when you're writing quickly...

 

[Phil_UK]

I have read it all so far and I like it. But you know, I am really not a writer, neither am i a director! Anyways, I can't wait to team up with you, to light it, frame it and bring it to life on screen!

 

[begezinum21]

Read the first twelve or so pages. I was definitely impressed. I read a lot of scripts and I have to say, this is far and above most of those. You set the tone early, really bring us into their world effectively. Dialogue was sharp and witty. I love Guy Ritchie films, reminds me a little of something along those lines. Good job. One funny thing I notice about you British guys is the use of the C-word so loosely. It's a little more taboo here in America for some reason. I'm never one to censor, just be aware that it holds a little more shock value over here in the states. Other than that, kudos on a job well done.

 

[chilipie]

Not a writer by any means, but I really enjoyed that - felt a bit like Guy Ritchie meets Misfits. (And I genuinely laughed out loud at the Anthony Hopkins line.)

Where do I sign up?

 

[FantasySciFi]

I haven't finished it, but I really enjoy it so far (thugs just interrupted Sebastian's bedroom scene), p. 27. My only thought is I'd like to see what benefit Sebastian hopes to derive included a bit sooner. Sebastian is a suave and enjoyable rogue but I'd really like to get a clear sense of how he's involved and what he hopes to gain. That would make the spiraling events all the more relevant. I don't feel he has much investment at the moment. What's special about this dog? Who is its owner and why are they being targeted?

Maybe just a few minutes before the mugging, have some casual chit-chat at the party that highlights the victim bragging about her dog as Sebastian takes his leave. This might be enough of a lead-in to give some sense of why. S/he said the dog was worth some sum.

I'm really enjoying reading it.

 

[NickClapper]

I have read it all so far and I like it. But you know, I am really not a writer, neither am i a director! Anyways, I can't wait to team up with you, to light it, frame it and bring it to life on screen!

Read the first twelve or so pages. I was definitely impressed. I read a lot of scripts and I have to say, this is far and above most of those. You set the tone early, really bring us into their world effectively. Dialogue was sharp and witty. I love Guy Ritchie films, reminds me a little of something along those lines. Good job. One funny thing I notice about you British guys is the use of the C-word so loosely. It's a little more taboo here in America for some reason. I'm never one to censor, just be aware that it holds a little more shock value over here in the states. Other than that, kudos on a job well done.

Apologies for the c-word I probably say it far too much and have become desensitised to it but there probably is a cultural difference between the UK and the US with it because my intention wasn't to shock, it's just a word that gets said quite a lot (especially in my vicinity).

Thanks for reading, it's great to get that sort of perspective!

Not a writer by any means, but I really enjoyed that - felt a bit like Guy Ritchie meets Misfits. (And I genuinely laughed out loud at the Anthony Hopkins line.)

Where do I sign up?

Why are you 'not a writer'? I wish my Twitter/Facebook was as funny as yours...

Guy Ritchie meets Misfits (meets Downton Abbey??) I guess I can work with that. Thank you for reading, sir, and, if I can sign you up, by God I will...

I haven't finished it, but I really enjoy it so far (thugs just interrupted Sebastian's bedroom scene), p. 27. My only thought is I'd like to see what benefit Sebastian hopes to derive included a bit sooner. Sebastian is a suave and enjoyable rogue but I'd really like to get a clear sense of how he's involved and what he hopes to gain. That would make the spiraling events all the more relevant. I don't feel he has much investment at the moment. What's special about this dog? Who is its owner and why are they being targeted?

Maybe just a few minutes before the mugging, have some casual chit-chat at the party that highlights the victim bragging about her dog as Sebastian takes his leave. This might be enough of a lead-in to give some sense of why. S/he said the dog was worth some sum.

I'm really enjoying reading it.

Hmm... thanks for the feedback FantasySciFi, I'm always delighted to get your opinion on my writing.

I kind of included the Lucy scene at the party so that I wouldn't have to explain precisely what they are doing and so that I can open it with the dognap and set the whole thing over the course of less than 24 hours. Do you feel it's not explicit enough that they plan to ransom the dog back to the owners? Do you think that it seems like they're just stealing it for the hell of it?

Thanks for the feedback, this is all stuff that I want to be able to clarify.

Thanks a bunch guys!

 

[chilipie]

Why are you 'not a writer'? I wish my Twitter/Facebook was as funny as yours...

Alright, then - a writer with a short attention span and an affinity for shit puns (and thank you)

Edit: I haven't got a lot of free time in the next week or two, but I can definitely find the time over Easter to go over it in a bit more detail with regards to scaling it down in places to fit a tight budget/schedule - have you got a very rough target? (At least for the shoot length?)

 

[chilipie]

I may have mentioned to Nick on Twitter that one element of the script reminded me a tiny bit of a Noel Clarke film.

I have now gone into hiding.

 

[NickClapper]

I haven't got a lot of free time in the next week or two, but I can definitely find the time over Easter to go over it in a bit more detail with regards to scaling it down in places to fit a tight budget/schedule - have you got a very rough target? (At least for the shoot length?)

In terms of shoot length, between 2 and 3 weeks.

The feature I shot in Canada was done in that time scale and whilst it didn't have the same number of locations, it was shot on the Red One and every shot was on the dolly and it took ages to set-up and light. I am relatively confident, given that experience, that we could shoot this in the same time frame.

In terms of locations: they're almost all houses with the exception of one or two blankish exterior shots (park bench and lay-by) and a restaurant. Again, I'm confident that we could get all of these locations fairly easily in London.

But, yeah, any ideas about what will be difficult, what will be easier and how these things could occur would be most appreciated

I may have mentioned to Nick on Twitter that one element of the script reminded me a tiny bit of a Noel Clarke film.

I have now gone into hiding.

Keep hiding.

I do hope that my 'posh girl' is not the same vapid stereotype as Tamsin Egerton's concert pianist/comfort shopper. I also hope that by having a vaguely plausible storyline, characters that have some sort of reason to be onscreen, a sensible chronological structure (rather than a faux inventive hotchpotch) and not having stupid international travel, gratuitous lesbian sex scenes and Kevin Smith, I won't fall into N*** C*****'s traps full of bear shit.

 

[fernando97echeverria]

I read it all through...and...

Wow. Really, a fantastic screenplay. Nice dialogue, nice style and a sense of purpose is evident throughout, which is very important for the type of premise you have. I was never bored and felt your plot was unfolding at a relentless speed- not too fast, but fast enough. Sebastian struck me as a sympathetic character- which is something the "drifter turned bad by criminals" archetype fails to do most of the time.

Overall could make a fantastic film. Loved it, man. Bravo.

 

[NickClapper]

I read it all through...and...

Wow. Really, a fantastic screenplay. Nice dialogue, nice style and a sense of purpose is evident throughout, which is very important for the type of premise you have. I was never bored and felt your plot was unfolding at a relentless speed- not too fast, but fast enough. Sebastian struck me as a sympathetic character- which is something the "drifter turned bad by criminals" archetype fails to do most of the time.

Overall could make a fantastic film. Loved it, man. Bravo.

Wow, thank you, sir

Sebastian is basically the person who I, not so secretly, want to be Sexy, confident and with a winning vulnerable streak...

 

[NickClapper]

I'm starting to work on a second draft, so if there's anyone else who can read and give me feedback then that'd be great.

Also, we're planning to shoot a scene on April 1st and, at the moment, we're planning to shoot the scene where Ronnie and Paulie arrive at Sebastian's door. We're looking for a scene that conveys the tone, rather than (necessarily) the plot, of the film and I reckon that's the safest bet. But if anyone has any other ideas and/or suggestions then that'd be amazing.

Gracias amigos

 

[Jack Lynt]

I am like half way through.

 

[finderskeepers]

I read the first few pages. Good style. A lot better then most. I like the "next time you mug someone, make sure it's not me" line that's clever. One quick format thingy -> you described the Sebastian character on the first page then AGAIN on page 3. There's no reason to describe a character twice. Otherwise good stuff. best of luck.

 

[NickClapper]

I read the first few pages. Good style. A lot better then most. I like the "next time you mug someone, make sure it's not me" line that's clever. One quick format thingy -> you described the Sebastian character on the first page then AGAIN on page 3. There's no reason to describe a character twice. Otherwise good stuff. best of luck.

Thanks for the kind words.

Yeah, I went back and added that introductory scene after I'd written about half the script. I must've forgotten to take out the second character introduction- thanks for the spot!

 

[NickClapper]

I am like half way through.

Ah, cool, missed this. I'm eager to hear what you think (even if you never finish it)

We might be shooting something for this pretty darn soon so everyone should put their wet weather gear on...

 

[Jack Lynt]

Very nice. I should've taken notes throughout my reading to do it justice, sorry about that.

I know you're aware of the mispellings 'n' such. And I'm also aware that this isn't a spec script, but something you and your friends are making yourselves, so.

I really have to say that the dialogue, interactions between Sebastion and Michelle are quite touching, not to mention witty. I'm writing this as I'm reading their exchanges in the 60's page range of the script.

Hmmmmmmmm. Just finished. Okay, I guess I should ruminate on this a bit.

Hmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm.

At the moment I don't think I like the ending. Allow that I might change my mind, but... Hmmmmmm. I'm expressing my immediate reaction here...

Have you seen the quite good film, What Just Happened? Naturally, this ending reminds me of that film. It says it probably better than I ever will here.

You "can't" kill the dog in the end. You can't have your hero, whom you've spent the previous portion of the script charming us with and endearing him to us, kill the dog in the end...and so casually.

I don't have a clue about how you might end it differently...

But I guess your intent is to parody gritty, hard-bitten British gangster flicks...

So...okay, maybe this ending is the right ending for that.

I dunno. Maybe I should digest this for a bit.

Anyway. Not surprisingly, your script is smart, well written, witty, and entertaining. There is a lovely string of quarky, interesting characters that we meet, and that's very nice. I'm eager to and hope very much to see the film that you and Phil and Chilipie and the rest make.

=)

 

[NickClapper]

Hey richy, thanks for reading!

I was aware, whilst writing, that the ending was going to be divisive. What was important to me is that the film isn't about a bunch of slightly rough kids who, through briefly having to look after a dog, learn that value of leading a moral life. I've made some slight changes to the 2nd draft in order to make that final act a little bit more justifiable, but I still think that, for me, it's an important final piece in what I'm going for in the film. So, yes, Sebastian is a charming/dashing antihero but, in the real world, that's how the story has to end. He needs to get out and, after all, it's only a dog.

But, I am aware that some people will feel like the ending is way too dark. I'm just a dark guy I guess

As for casting- I think we'll get some great people. We've shot the promo already with some terrific actors, I'm sure that we'll get another great set of actors for the shoot!

Thanks for reading, sir