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Horror Script in Miami For Sale

EnglishinMiami

EnglishinMiami

Title - 'We May Have to Kill Him'.

Logline - Tormented by the spirit of his victim in his wife's womb, Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?

92 pages.
 
It's not really stated though... The sentence structure isn't good. It's not clear if the victim was in his wife's womb (perhaps his wife had an affair and Daniel killed the resultant offspring), or if his victims spirit has somehow made it's way into his wife's womb.
 
mad_hatter said:
It's not really stated though... The sentence structure isn't good. It's not clear if the victim was in his wife's womb (perhaps his wife had an affair and Daniel killed the resultant offspring), or if his victims spirit has somehow made it's way into his wife's womb.
Click to expand...

But it is stated - it's Daniel's victim. The victim comes before whatever Daniel does that is 'unthinkable'. Your latter surmise is what's stated in the logline.
 
I agree with mad_hatter - it's not clear.
I understand that it's clear to you, but you need to be sure that it's clear to others.
Maybe mat_hatter and I are the exceptions, but I'd suggest you try to find out.
 
Honestly, it's not. My first surmise is also plausible based on your log line. You really don't want people guessing what your story is about - you need to rewrite it to more clearly convey the premise.

I'm not trying to be harsh; I'm trying to help.
 
I've been to a lot of festival q&a sessions where an audience member says to the director: The movie was confusing because of x y z.
And the director says: No, it's not confusing.

The fact that the director or writer doesn't find it confusing is kind of meaningless.
 
Thanks for your input, you guys are the first people who've told me they don't understand the logline, and as said, am very open to hearing suggestions on how to improve it. Not that I’m not thinking of that already.
 
I think your log line could benefit from the addition of more detail. Once you’ve crafted a more detailed log line, you can then boil it down to something more concise.

Reading your log line, I am essentially in the exact same position that any potential buyer will find themselves in. Here’s where I see some problems:

We know nothing for certain about Daniel, except that he is married. However, he has a “victim”. So is Daniel a murderer? It’s not clear if Daniel’s wife is actually pregnant (or appears so) – you’d assume so, but it’s not a given. This unthinkable act is probably a huge point in the script. We don’t know for certain what this may be (although we can probably guess), but we do know, directly via your log line, that Daniel does indeed do it. That should probably be kept as a surprise. Unless it’s not a surprise; if it happens early on and is an important plot device, you may want your log line to be more specific about it. The mention of “anyone else” implies that there are others at risk, but we have no idea who. This almost makes the last line redundant.

Of course, I haven’t read your script. I know nothing about your story. I could be way off on a lot of my assumptions.
 
Tormented by the spirit of his victim in his wife's womb, Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?
Click to expand...

It's poor writing. At a dead minimum add the word "reincarnated" to be Tormented by the reincarnated spirit..." it'll add some context and clarity. You still have a problems. 1). It is not clear that Danial is A protagonist. 2). Either you're too focused on a small part of your script in where the logline describes up to a few scenes OR the it's not high concept enough OR the story you have reads as boring.

Not all horror needs to be high concept. It'll be harder to sell if it isn't.

Try reading a book called "Save The Cat". It may help you learn what you need to do with your logline so you're not reliant upon strangers to point you in the wrong direction. You'll be able to make your own informed decisions.
 
Sweetie said:
It's poor writing. At a dead minimum add the word "reincarnated" to be Tormented by the reincarnated spirit..." it'll add some context and clarity. You still have a problems. 1). It is not clear that Danial is A protagonist. 2). Either you're too focused on a small part of your script in where the logline describes up to a few scenes OR the it's not high concept enough OR the story you have reads as boring.

Not all horror needs to be high concept. It'll be harder to sell if it isn't.

Try reading a book called "Save The Cat". It may help you learn what you need to do with your logline so you're not reliant upon strangers to point you in the wrong direction. You'll be able to make your own informed decisions.
Click to expand...

How scathing of you. Not that you don't have some relevant points.

The way I work is to create then revise. There's a great quote by Goethe - that I can't remember off the top of my head but you may well know - that says to just begin a thing (perfect or not) and keep going. Relevant here.

The script of my movie-in-the-making ,'Killer Eyes', has definitely improved with time. And input.

Don't you think that by being so frequently acerbic you may well deter potential contributors, Sweetie?
 
MiamiLife said:
Title - 'We May Have to Kill Him'.

Logline - Tormented by the spirit of his victim in his wife's womb, Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?

92 pages.
Click to expand...

I think you either need to clarify what the spirit is the victim of, or leave out the victimhood altogether.

Tormented by a spirit in his wife's womb, Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?

or

Tormented by the spirit of his victim in his wife's womb, [murderer, rapist, whatever] Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense at the moment though. Is the wife pregnant? It sort of makes sense that he needs to save himself from the torment, but why would that affect anyone else?
 
maz said:
I think you either need to clarify what the spirit is the victim of, or leave out the victimhood altogether.

Tormented by a spirit in his wife's womb, Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?

or

Tormented by the spirit of his victim in his wife's womb, [murderer, rapist, whatever] Daniel does the unthinkable. But can that save him - or anyone else?

It doesn't make a whole lot of sense at the moment though. Is the wife pregnant? It sort of makes sense that he needs to save himself from the torment, but why would that affect anyone else?
Click to expand...

That is shown as the movie evolves - why spell it out?
 
MiamiLife said:
That is shown as the movie evolves - why spell it out?
Click to expand...
Because at this point there is no movie, there is only a script. And your job
right now is to "sell" the story to a potential buyer. You need a logline that
makes a producer think, "I gotta read that script!" so you need to spell it
out.

I'll ask the reverse: why NOT spell it out?
 
The way I work is to create then revise. There's a great quote by Goethe - that I can't remember off the top of my head but you may well know - that says to just begin a thing (perfect or not) and keep going. Relevant here.
Click to expand...

I understand your point. Not sure if starting your improvement should occur when you're trying to sell to the customer or investors. Everyone works differently. Each to their own I suppose.

Don't you think that by being so frequently acerbic you may well deter potential contributors, Sweetie?
Click to expand...

Customer is always right eh?

If we're talking on my personal note, sure it does deter those. Those who need to wrap themselves up in cotton wool instead of handling harsh reality aren't people I try to work with. I don't collaborate well with them. They waste time and effort when they're too cowardly to speak what's on their mind. I don't work like that. Direct, concise information or opinion is what I expect from my talented, experienced collaborators. I hate 'yes' men.

If you want positive feedback, offer up work worthy of positive feedback. You might have the best ideas in the world. None of them will see the light of day if you fail to listen to those around you and learn from your amateurish mistakes. What's killing you isn't your mistakes, it's when you stick your head in the sand defending those mistakes. That behavior does you no favors. Making mistakes is [part of] how you learn.
 
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A psychopathic family-man, struggling to keep his murderous impulses in check, begins to fear that his unborn child has become possessed by the vengeful spirit of his latest victim.

:cool:

:yes: :yes: :yes:
 
Thanks Walter! Trouble is, it might not actually be anything like what the OP has written! I'm still just assuming that Daniel is a murderer, based on the fact that he has a 'victim'.
 
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