Hey I showed this short exert of a screen play to my mom an she hated it.

[ConorJC]

Tell me what you guys think. I'm writing this for a short cinematography project for a course I'm in. An there are no cuss words in there cause it's against the rules to use em'.


-------------------------------------------------------------


A B B A Z A B B A


Written & Directed by

Conor J.


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Foreword.

Urban Dictionary: Abba Zabba

2. Abba Zabba

The best taffy/candy bar ever made! It is a taffy with
peanut butter inside which makes it quite enjoyable. It is most liked while
stoned out of your mind.

“God damn I wish I had some Abba Zabba right now!”
taffy - abba-zabba - candy - candy bar

by Dante Smith – Oct. 25, 2006


(This is on screen for seven seconds. The song Tomorrow Never Knows by The Beatles plays for the last four seconds)


Title Credits:


These role to the song Tomorrow Never Knows by The Beatles. The song fades out when the credits are complete.


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INTRODUCTION. 1. INT. PIZZA HUT – NIGHT


The movie starts with two people conversing inside a booth of a Pizza Hut. One character is texting on his phone and not paying much attention while the other one is just talking away. The one talking is Conor, the one texting is Jason. The song C'mon Everybody by Eddie Cochran is playing in the background. The screen cuts in at the start of the drum in the song.


CONOR
Okay, ever heard of Dimethyltryptamine?

JASON
I can't even pronounce that. What makes you think I know what it means?

CONOR
Dig. It's this drug produced at the center of your brain, at the pineal gland which is like your frontal lobe, and every night you fall asleep you go through this heavy psychedelic trip. An that's from this DMT junk man. By the way DMT is synonymous with Dimethyltryptamine, there the same word. It's just DMT ain't so long winded. Well anyway that's why every night you fall asleep, you hardly even remember dreamin', alright. I mean you don't really remember your dreams that often, unless your havin' some kinda like wicked awesome dream where as your dreaming your in like the Caribbean chillin' with Megan Fox or your like beatin' the pulp outta bad guys with Super Man. On top of that whole memory thing, dreams are divided into like three basic camps anyway. So you got the ones that are fantasy, as in like meetin' Angelina Jolie or whatever, the vague ones, where you just clonk out, and then you got the nightmares. So like your fallin' a million feet into a tiger pit or getting' chased around by Freddy Kruger, you tend to remember those more when you wake up the next morning. Back to what I was sayin though, the strange part about DMT is, is that when you die, well you know how your brain is still active for a good 6 minutes after your dead? DMT, is what floods all up in your skull when that happens. So my theory is, is that when your dead you go into like the universe of dreams. And the reason that the dream don't end when the 6 minutes are up is cause time don't even exist in dreams. Like there are no dream minutes, or dream hours, or dream seconds, ya just wake up.

JASON
Yeah man. That's some pretty wild stuff. Hey are you sure there ain't no 5-0 round these parts?

CONOR
Wait you lost me. What is 5-0?

JASON
Slang for cops. Comes from a TV series called Hawaii 5-0.

CONOR
And you watch this? I've never even heard about it.

JASON
Oh yeah man! That show was straight up the cats pajamas back in the day. Back then they had shows like Police Story, Cannon, Colombo, Toma, Baretta, and Joe Forrester but 5-0 made French fried potatoes atta' all dem' shows. Best television show of the 80's by far man.

CONOR
I don't know. I never got into the whole Starsky and Hutch scene.

JASON
Yeah well anyway, I'm down ta' tag but I just don't wanna get bust by the po-po tryin' to do it, ya' feel me?

CONOR
Yeah I got you. Hey you remember that kid Sean Cunningham?

JASON
No, but go on an say what your gonna say anyway.

CONOR
Sean Cunningham? Went to our school for a couple days?

JASON
Yeah, okay. I still don't know who your talking about but go on whatever.

CONOR
Well, you know him. Anyway this kid Cunningham, after he left CDTA he went to Waldorf.

JASON
Hold one damn second here. He went to Wall what?

CONOR
Waldorf.

JASON
What is that? I've never even heard of it. Ever. Sounds like a school for wizardry.

CONOR
Yeah well, it might as well be. You go there and you get to decide between two classes you wanna take there. You make your decision and then it's set in stone. Those are the only two classes you gotta take your whole damn high school career.

JASON
(laughing)
That's malarkey son, I've never even heard about that!

CONOR
(Laughing too)
I kid you not. I swear I ain't even creative enough to make somethin' like that up! Anyway this
kid is goin there with the rest of the dirt bags and he starts gettin into coke. Well while he's goin' there he ends up pushing a teacher down a flight of stairs and this guy flies down head first into every ridged step on that two story building, so they suspend him and then they make him apologize to the teacher.

JASON
What was his name?

CONOR
Who, the teacher?

JASON
Yeah.

CONOR
How the hell am I supposed to know? I don't remember, it was Doolittle or somethin'. Okay, back to the story again.
Sean starts off his suspension just kickin' it at home all day cause they ain't lettin' him no where near the premises of the school, they got his ass on the gestapo night watch. Anyway his dad works the late night shift downtown as a cop an he ain't home during the late hours of the day. So Sean is there with his friends just chillin', no parents in sight. An I guess sometime before his friends first got there or when they weren't watching, he was off by himself shoveling a bag of snow candy down his nose. That right there, messed him up good. He and his boys leave, they go for a joy ride and stop at a Stewart's.

JASON
Which Stewart's?

CONOR
It don't matter which Stewart's, that don't effect the story none, but actually come to think of it I think it was the one over in Glenmont, across from ol' The Cracker Barrel.

JASON
An why come they be there?

CONOR
At the Stewart's? I don't know. They were probably lookin' ta' get snacks or rip ta' the place off. Fact is they just were.

JASON
Alright, never mind then, get back to what you were sayin'.

CONOR
So they bust into the Stewart's and Sean is just like all over the place. I mean he's stumbling over the shelves, over the magazine wracks, over in the frozen foods section, an all over the counter, that some poor pillock has to be standin' guard at. Then it's like everyone in the joint starts to take notice, but what none of them saw comin' though was when Sean starts ripping off his shirt. He throws off his Zeppelin T and everyone just starts starin'. And they ain't just starin' cause he got his shirt off. No, they're starin' because he's got himself a mammoth sized 40. cal magnum tucked in between his goddamn pampers.

JASON
No way.

CONOR
Yes way.

JASON
Wait a sec' where'd he get the pistol from?

CONOR
I think the story goes, he got it from his dad's closet. He's a cop so I can believe that.

JASON
Okay, okay.

CONOR
So then after they see that he's gotta' the hand cannon tucked in his knee knockers there's just this cold and reposed silence that's cloudin' over the joint. An even though Sean mighta' been messed up above and beyond his own gourd, he still manages ta' take notice ta' all the people starin' down at his revolver pistol. So then he whips out the gun and points in at the cashier. He says to him “gimme' all the silly string in the buildin' our else I'm gonna blow your head clean off.”. The cashier bolts and starts loadin' up all the silly string there was in the whole joint, hands it over to psycho Sean Cunningham, and stands there behind the counter scared to wit's end. His friends get him in the car and bust right back outta' there. First thing they do, they drop Sean off like a bad case of the measles while tryin' ta' keep as much distance from him as humanly possible. His dad comes home and finds him head down and back up against the counter with blood drippin' down his face like the Kawasana falls. He beats him so bad he gets sent ta' the hospital and he also beats him so bad the cops come by an threw his ass in the slammer. His grandmother heard about it an got a heart attack. So now all that's left is Sean in the hospital, his dad in joint, and his grandma in the morgue.

JASON
Jesus. That's messed up.

CONOR
I told ya' so.

JASON
Yo' I think our pizza's done.


Behind Conor a Pizza Hut employee has a pizza box in his hands an waves it in the direction of Conor and Jason.

 

[Unknown Screenwriter]

Okay, here goes...

I don't get it.

It's NOT that I don't like it... I just don't get it. I mean, WHAT'S THE POINT?

If the point is that there is no point, cool. You achieved your goal.

This sounds like a cross between Tarantino and Kevin Smith... Just two talking heads with no action.

A hell of a lot of dialogue.

I was hoping you were going to somehow TIE in the story to Abba Zabba and I think you attempted to do that only because I am assuming these guys might be stoned? Hence, the pizza?

I think you have an ear for dialogue however... At least a CERTAIN KIND of DIALOGUE from what I read here but it's still a little too reminiscent of QT and KS for my taste.

Bottom line? I think if you structured and layered MORE of a story in there, could be interesting. I don't mean the story Conor is telling Jason either...

I think the dialogue could be cut down without compromising the story (?) and at least pull some kinda gag at the end... This way, our investment of time and patience isn't wasted on two guys just simply shooting the shit.

Good luck with it!

filmy

 

[Weaponx]

I felt the same way after reading this. I think the writing was well done and the characters seemed believable for the most part(some of Jason's lines felt alittle forced) but I don't understand why you wrote this. If this is a section from a movie I would say you need to further the plotline while this dialogue is going on but if this was just a practice in format, it would be more understandable why nothing really happens.

 

[boybunny]

I don't see the humour.

What gets me is the dialog. The amount of it, but beyond that, it just isn't believable. Others have discussed cutting down the dialogue, and I will not rehash that, but look at the conversation. First, the conversation seems to be between two teenagers trying to be "Hip Ghetto". The first mistake is trying to depict teenagers having a conversation. How many teens say much more than "What are you doing?" "What do we do now?" and "I don't know."? There are a few teens out there who can hold a great conversation, but these teens often float to the top of social groups giving you a one sided conversation where one popular person talks in monologue and everyone listens or agrees in short statements.

Average teens do say far more than this, but it is said over days, weeks and months. So any condensed teenage conversation like this will always sound artificial. This is why so many screen plays I see that make it to screen abandon the idea of making teenagers believable in movies. They only throw in very basic slang, and only a peppering of it. Any use of slang more than occasional is used as a way to satire teenagers long before it is used to make them believable. In fact the most successful teen comedies always parody the teens themselves, and the teens gain credibility by succeeding in the impossible (see every movie from Revenge of the Nerds, to Waynes World, to Superbad). These successful teen comedies do not often rely on popular slang. If they use slang repeatedly, they often invent it as a catch phrase of the teens involved.

Simply, if you just observe real teens in the real world, you will see that they do not often do anything interesting. They plan to d interesting things, but they seldom put those plans into action. So any teenage protagonists interesting enough to be in a movie are going to be fictional.

I hope this helps. I am not against teens, I was once a teen with big plans and no idea how to put them into action... we all were. I also can not think of one teenage protagonist in any sort of drama/comedy on film TV or stage that was believable, or any that "tried" to be believable.

 

[indietalk]

You know when someone says to you "What's the point?" it's not a slam, it's actually a good question to ask yourself when you write. I didn't read this, it's too long (I did read FilmJumper's reply about the point)... but if you ask yourself this question I bet you can fix it up.

 

[citychik]

Sheesh, it must take forever to get a pizza at that Pizza Hut.

 

[Godchoo]

Ok so your little scene has the same idea as the scene in Pulp Fiction
where Samuel Jackson and John Travolta are talking about quarter pounders in the
car.
The dialogue there was mixed in with a continuous shot of them walking, so it had a
point and kept the audience engaged.
Yours lacks that action, so I recommend getting away from Tarantino dialogue.

 

[Weaponx]

Also to add to what Godchoo said. The conversation between John Travolta and Samuel L. Jackson was meant to introduce these characters and to give something to keep the tension going throughout the next scene where they go into the apartment. And as indietalk said what is the point? I would definately say come up with a reason or deside on the focus of your writing so it will progress and move forward into an interesting story.

 

[Smith]

Hmmmmm

Okay, the beginning quote is just a blatent rip-off of Pulp Fiction... WHY? Why try to be like Tarantino?... You need your own style, if all you do is try to emulate what someone else has done it before, you will always be second best (or more likely 100th best). Its like tribute bands, yeah there are some good tribute bands out there... but are they ever as good as the original?

You obviously enjoy writing long speaches, which is fine 'cause its not like Tarantino has a monopoly on them, but I think you need to break it up with some directions, take a look at how Tarentino does it in the Hunny Bunny & Pumpkin scene at the beginning of Pulp Fiction: http://www.weeklyscript.com/Pulp Fiction.txt just a few directions here and there, a pause for laughter, calling the waitress over... it just breaks up the dialogue a bit.

I realise it may sound contradictory to say you shouldn't try to sound like Tarentino and then, use his work as a reference point. But I think the trick is to learn from how others do it and then apply it to your own work with your own style.

Hope that made sense, I feel all philosophical now. LOL.

Smith

 

[indietalk]

It also seems you like commercialism and pop culture. You've jammed all of this down our throats in this one scene. Perhaps seeing it as a list will help.

Abba Zabba
The Beatles
Pizza Hut
Megan Fox
Superman
Angelina Jolie
Freddy Krueger
Hawaii 5-0
Police Story
Cannon
Colombo
Toma
Baretta
Joe Forrester
Starsky & Hutch
Stewart's
Cracker Barrel
Led Zeppelin

HOLY COMMERCIAL FROM HELL lol.

 

[kgasser2]

i like it. but i did think i was funny that the whole time i was being reminded of reservoir dogs and clerks, and then everyone says it sounded like tarantino and smith haha.

but anyways, whats the point? jk, who gives a shit. if you read his description, its an exerpt, and its a screenplay for a cinematography project. i'm not saying you shouldnt still try to have good scenes and dialogue (which i think you do, for the most part) but if this is a short focusing on cine, then it doesnt matter that much. (imo)

also, its okay to be influenced by other people, but dont think about them when you're trying to do your own work. just do what you do.

 

[barnaclelapse]

Sheesh, it must take forever to get a pizza at that Pizza Hut.

You'd be surprised.

Anyway, I do think there's some potential in this piece. You definitely seem to know something about the idea of creating chemistry between characters, creating relationships between them through casual dialog. The only problem is that you've gone too far in that direction, as other people have already said. There's just too much casual dialog, too much stuff crammed in and the result feels like someone who's desperate to write like Tarantino or Kevin Smith.

I guess my advice would be to just try and scale it back a little. Go somewhere and listen to teenagers talk for a while, then come back to your script and shoot for something that isn't trying so hard. The reason why their stuff worked is because it was natural to them. I don't think you're completely out of the realm of having written something that sounds natural to you, but like I said I think there's plenty of room here to scale back your efforts and just write what comes to you instead of what you think should be coming to you.

If that makes any sense.

 

[deadrockstarfilms]

i agree with everyone. it's like you watched res dogs and pulp for the first time yesterday. I'd work on the dialogue... i get what you're trying to do... these guys are having a regular conversation but it doesn't flow well. Conor doesn't tell a story like people tell stories. he tells a story like there's a camera watching. And the end of the story isn't enough of a twist... unless you cut away to the events in the story actually happening. oh and why pizza hut? just curious.watch the opening scene of lucky number slevin. it's done much better.... but don't copy it man.

oh one more thing, the beatles and led zeppelin charge over 15 million dollars to use thirty seconds of their songs in movies.

 

[deadrockstarfilms]

why didnt you try to tie the dmt thing in somehow at the end?>

 

[ConorJC]

Yeah I wrote this a long time ago, it's really embarrassing to look back on now, I see why people would have been annoyed with this haha. All I was watching at this point in my life was Pulp Fiction over and over and over. It's really bad, lesson learned !

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

I see this is an older post, but I recognize in it from Film Jumper by way of Citychik how I would use this scene as a kind of button line pay off tactic.

With the right, shorter, vehemently opposing, heated exchange of dialogue which leaves them in silence, you could arrive at and conclude with the only thing they agree on (and which breaks their silence) is that the pizza took, or is taking forever. Then CUT.


-Thanks-

 

[citychik]

I see this is an older post, but I recognize in it from Film Jumper by way of Citychik how I would use this scene as a kind of button line pay off tactic.

With the right, shorter, vehemently opposing, heated exchange of dialogue which leaves them in silence, you could arrive at and conclude with the only thing they agree on (and which breaks their silence) is that the pizza took, or is taking forever. Then CUT.

Hahaha!