Help? New to screenwriting

[BravisTickle]

Formatting hasn't come to me the way I hoped it would. Is the following part of my screenplay correct? and is the content itself good?

JOHNNY HANDEN walks down a street of nothingness in the gloomy night, only lit by the bright street lights. A long walk before he enters a building seemingly with the same lack of population.

JOHNNY enters, this preconceived notion of desolation is shattered by bustling music and an array of drunks and gangsters, dancing, partying, as if it was their last day on Earth. The smoke of drugs and cigarettes fill up the room with a tint of moving grey, the smell of sex can be still be smelt and not derailed by the stench of another sleaze. JOHNNY walks by, disregarding everyone and everything, like an alien and sticking out like a sore thumb, completely unaffected by the excessive nightlife.

He goes to a door labelled DRAKE “The Top” MANNER, takes a pop of pills obscured by distance, presumingly for nervousness and/or staying awake as the tiredness radiates from his eyes visibly.

JOHNNY opens the door.

The room is fancy, somewhat classy. Opposite to the operation of sordid on the outside, the table is fiddled with paperwork, though in an organised manner.

 

[maz]

Formatting hasn't come to me the way I hoped it would. Is the following part of my screenplay correct? and is the content itself good?

In general, a character's name should only be fully capitalised the very first time that character is mentioned in a script (not every time).

In terms of the content, you have some stuff that is unfilmable, and so out of place in screenplay e.g. "the smell of sex can be still be smelt and not derailed by the stench of another sleaze." Apart from the fact that I have no idea what that actually means, how would you film it? If you mean "people are having sex openly", then just write that. Unlike a novel, a screenplay is no place to be cryptic in descriptions

Good luck, and love the username

 

[FantasySciFi]

Welcome to IndieTalk. Scripts have been standardized to have basic structure. There are applications and templates available that can be obtained for free. A script is a blueprint to the film but will be changed as needed by the producer and director. So the goal of the spec writer is to layout the vision of the film in a way that is clear, compelling but allows for other creatives to make changes due to budget and vision.

So as for script format, you have the basic scene, which consists of the SLUGLINE, the DESCRIPTION, then ACTION and DIALOGUE. The slugline indicates the location and time of day. The description gives visible information that the viewer would see, not what is imperceptible. The dialogue is distinguished by the CHARACTER NAME followed by SPEECH. I added in some dialogue so you can see how this would also appear using your selection:

EXT.  DARK STREET - NIGHT

A street bathed in fog pierced only by the bright street lights.

JOHNNY HANDEN [B][I](mid 20s) in his ratty trenchcoat[/I][/B] walks down 
the street, his footsteps echoing, to enter a vacant building.


INT.  GANG HQ - NIGHT

About bustling music and an array of drunks and gangsters, 
dancing, partying, as if it was their last day on Earth. The 
smoke fills the room as bodies stumble about. 

Johnny enters and pauses.  His focus is the back door.  He 
walks by, disregarding everyone and everything, even an 
alien.  

He stops at a door labeled:  "DRAKE 'The Top' MANNER".

His eyes radiate weariness.  He pops a few pills then opens
the door.


INT.  GANG HQ, DRAKE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The room is fancy, somewhat classy in contrast to the sordid
operations outside.  A desk is covered with paperwork in an 
organized manner. 

DRAKE [B][I](30s) in tuxedo[/I][/B], stands and looks out the window.

                           JOHNNY
            You're going to need a new 
            messenger.

                           DRAKE
                     (without turning)
            Tsk.  Well, you're here. That's
            all that really matters.

The paragraphs help break up action as shots. Describe what can be seen and heard. While adding some "feeling" terms can help convey information, but judicious. This isn't a novel. Give us some information about the characters--age, description. Also be sure to show scene locations with your sluglines. Good luck.

 

[BravisTickle]

Welcome to IndieTalk. Scripts have been standardized to have basic structure. There are applications and templates available that can be obtained for free. A script is a blueprint to the film but will be changed as needed by the producer and director. So the goal of the spec writer is to layout the vision of the film in a way that is clear, compelling but allows for other creatives to make changes due to budget and vision.

So as for script format, you have the basic scene, which consists of the SLUGLINE, the DESCRIPTION, then ACTION and DIALOGUE. The slugline indicates the location and time of day. The description gives visible information that the viewer would see, not what is imperceptible. The dialogue is distinguished by the CHARACTER NAME followed by SPEECH. I added in some dialogue so you can see how this would also appear using your selection:

EXT.  DARK STREET - NIGHT

A street bathed in fog pierced only by the bright street lights.

JOHNNY HANDEN [B][I](mid 20s) in his ratty trenchcoat[/I][/B] walks down 
the street, his footsteps echoing, to enter a vacant building.


INT.  GANG HQ - NIGHT

About bustling music and an array of drunks and gangsters, 
dancing, partying, as if it was their last day on Earth. The 
smoke fills the room as bodies stumble about. 

Johnny enters and pauses.  His focus is the back door.  He 
walks by, disregarding everyone and everything, even an 
alien.  

He stops at a door labeled:  "DRAKE 'The Top' MANNER".

His eyes radiate weariness.  He pops a few pills then opens
the door.


INT.  GANG HQ, DRAKE'S OFFICE - NIGHT

The room is fancy, somewhat classy in contrast to the sordid
operations outside.  A desk is covered with paperwork in an 
organized manner. 

DRAKE [B][I](30s) in tuxedo[/I][/B], stands and looks out the window.

                           JOHNNY
            You're going to need a new 
            messenger.

                           DRAKE
                     (without turning)
            Tsk.  Well, you're here. That's
            all that really matters.

The paragraphs help break up action as shots. Describe what can be seen and heard. While adding some "feeling" terms can help convey information, but judicious. This isn't a novel. Give us some information about the characters--age, description. Also be sure to show scene locations with your sluglines. Good luck.

Thanks SciFi, your screenplay reads much better than mine. I'll take down the notes and come back with a revised script. Kudos to Maz as well.

 

[BravisTickle]

Revised script, with dialogue and I've changed the protagonist's name from Johnny to Blair:

EXT. STREET - NIGHT

A dark, empty street, only made seeable by the bright street lights.

BLAIR LANKTON (mid 20s) in his raggedy jacket and cowboy jeans and boots, walks down the street and enters a seemingly quiet building, steadily checking himself.

INT. SECURITY DOOR - NIGHT

A lackey whooshes into Blair’s face.

CUT TO

Guard: Private Party.

Blair: I know Drake, need to see him.

Guard: Name?

Blair is confused.

Blair: It’s Blair.

Guard: Last name?

Blair: Not many people- you know, have the name Blair.

Guard: Don’t get smart with me.

Blair: Just let me in.

Guard: Back off punk.

Out appears KEN from the bathroom, a built dude who knows everyone, including Blair.

KEN: Hey, he’s with us.

Blair: This guy new or something?

Blair looks at the guard with contempt as he passes through.

Guard: That bastard pasted frisking.

Ken: Blair? He never has anything packed, at least not here.

INT. GANG PARTY - NIGHT

Bustling music and an array of hustlers, dealers and gangsters shatter the prior quietness, dancing, partying, as if it were their last day on Earth. The smoke of drugs and cigarettes fill up the room with a tint of moving grey.

Numerous gangsters holler at Johnny on his arrival, he waves back. Johnny disregards everyone else, like he were an Alien in the mists, sticking out like a sore thumb. He just wants to make his way through.

He stop at a door labelled DRAKE “The Top” MANNER.

His red eyes show a lack of sleep. Popping a few unknown pills before crunch time.

The room is fancy, somewhat classy in contrast to the sordid operations outside, a table is covered with organised paperwork.

DRAKE (30s) in a suit, sits at his table, filling out forms with a helper at his side.

He looks up, pleasantly.

DRAKE: You did that guy at Sunningham?

Blair: Yep.

Blair flops himself onto a spare couch.

Drake: Was it sloppy?

Blair: Nope, it was clean, real clean. Fucker didn’t know it was coming.

Drake grins, almost bursting out with laughter.

Drake gestures with his hands, questioanbly.

Drake: Must I ask questions?

Blair signals a NO with his head and face.

Drake grins again uncontrollably.

Blair: You’re just wasting time. As long as it’s done, it’s done.

Drake: I need to ask, some of our customers want details.

Blair: Details? These guys have a fetish for death methods.

Drake: Maybe so.

Drake stares at Blair, thinkingly.

Drake: PAUL.

Paul is the helpers and nods accordingly at Drake's request.

Drake: Pass me that top paper on the second stack.

Paul: This one?

Drake: Nah, actually try the fourth stack.

Paul shows a paper from a distance.

It's the one, Drake nods and waves at Paul to bring it over.

Drake: Steve Angst, he’s way overdue.

Blair: On our payroll, been a longtime since someone on our side has missed a date.

Drake: Cunt keeps dodging me like the plague.

Blair: How should I do it?

Drake: Anyway you want.

Blair: Anything specifically?

Drake: HEY, we ain’t monsters. Pull a fast one, no need to suffer, he was a friend after all. Everyone drops in the end.

Blair unglues himself from the seat, grabs the sheet and eyes it until he leaves.

Opinions?