Help and advice on condensing script

[mmkp1990]

I am writing my very first screenplay titled "Fragments of a Broken Heart". The problem however is that after writing the first act of the story from three, I have already written 85 pages. I believe this act should only take up to between 45-55 pages only but I have gone over the limit. I don't believe the problem is the story content, but my writing style, I believe I have written too much and need to learn how to "write less is more" regarding the actions and the dialogue. If anybody can help me can you give me examples on how I can condense the writing without sacrificing any of the story?

For example:

---

SHOKO
(to himself, slightly louder)
Your sister needs you.

A noise of THUNDER occurs, as Haruto is curious on what Shoko just said.

HARUTO
(raised voice)
What?

----
Do I need the sentence after the thunder occurs where Haruto is curious on what Shoko has said or should the reader know this from the dialogue alone?

Act one is simply where a tsunami destroys the town of Sonoko and Haruto embarks on a journey to find the rest of his family. After finding his family and encounter other survivors, they manage to get rescued. This is only the first act out of three, act two and three which I still need to write should take between 45-55 and 25-35 respectively. Thank you.
[Fragments of a Broken Heart part 1](https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nWk0tN0tNZjZiMEU/edit)

 

[Sulaco]

I can't access the Google Docs file yet, but 85 pages for the introduction of the tsunami hitting, kids getting rescued and heading out to find their family is certainly too much.

I'd dare say you should be looking at around 30-40 pages for that part. Being unable to read what you've got I can't specify what you're doing wrong, but you should take a break for a few days then come back and read through it all, and see if there's any scenes, situations, dialogue and so on that don't push the story forward to reveal more about the characters that are relevant to the audience. There may be things that you think are interesting, but if they're superfluous then they don't really need to be there.

I did send through a request to read it though, as Japan's a big interest for me and somewhere I regularly travel to.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I am writing my very first screenplay titled "Fragments of a Broken Heart". The problem however is that after writing the first act of the story from three, I have already written 85 pages. I believe this act should only take up to between 45-55 pages only but I have gone over the limit. I don't believe the problem is the story content, but my writing style, I believe I have written too much and need to learn how to "write less is more" regarding the actions and the dialogue. If anybody can help me can you give me examples on how I can condense the writing without sacrificing any of the story?

For example:

---

SHOKO
(to himself, slightly louder) <-- parenthetical
Your sister needs you.

A noise of THUNDER occurs, as Haruto is curious on what Shoko just said.

HARUTO
(raised voice) <-- parenthetical
What?

----
Do I need the sentence after the thunder occurs where Haruto is curious on what Shoko has said or should the reader know this from the dialogue alone?

Act one is simply where a tsunami destroys the town of Sonoko and Haruto embarks on a journey to find the rest of his family. After finding his family and encounter other survivors, they manage to get rescued. This is only the first act out of three, act two and three which I still need to write should take between 45-55 and 25-35 respectively. Thank you.
[Fragments of a Broken Heart part 1](https://docs.google.com/file/d/0B32svqt43-9nWk0tN0tNZjZiMEU/edit)

I can't access your script. But from the short snippet you included, I would suggest that you remove all of the parentheticals. They should be used VERY RARELY. Second, there may be a misunderstanding of terms. While "act" is an often debated topic, a rough sense of proportion is Act 1 (set up) is about 20%, Act 2 (main action) is 65% and Act 3 (conclusion) is the remaining 15%. A screenplay is normally between 90-110 pages. So Act 1 should be about 20 pages long. From your discussion, it sounds like you actually have Act 1 and part of Act 2 in those 85 pages.

I will be honest, writing a screenplay requires a lot of discipline. Unlike writing a novel, you take out A LOT of story and detail. It's best to write the complete story out first, then convert it to a screenplay. Since this is your first screenplay, give yourself the best shot by first writing it as a story where you don't have to worry about format, length, etc. I'm encouraging you to get your full story down on paper (or computer) first. Trying to write a first screenplay is difficult if you've not had prior practice writing shorts and other works. Since this story sounds close to your heart, give it a chance to express itself. It's far easier to convert a finished story into a screenplay. Best wishes.

 

[mmkp1990]

I can't access your script. But from the short snippet you included, I would suggest that you remove all of the parentheticals. They should be used VERY RARELY. Second, there may be a misunderstanding of terms. While "act" is an often debated topic, a rough sense of proportion is Act 1 (set up) is about 20%, Act 2 (main action) is 65% and Act 3 (conclusion) is the remaining 15%. A screenplay is normally between 90-110 pages. So Act 1 should be about 20 pages long. From your discussion, it sounds like you actually have Act 1 and part of Act 2 in those 85 pages.

I will be honest, writing a screenplay requires a lot of discipline. Unlike writing a novel, you take out A LOT of story and detail. It's best to write the complete story out first, then convert it to a screenplay. Since this is your first screenplay, give yourself the best shot by first writing it as a story where you don't have to worry about format, length, etc. I'm encouraging you to get your full story down on paper (or computer) first. Trying to write a first screenplay is difficult if you've not had prior practice writing shorts and other works. Since this story sounds close to your heart, give it a chance to express itself. It's far easier to convert a finished story into a screenplay. Best wishes.

Hi,

I am assuming the parentheticals should only be used if not obvious, like a sarcastic joke out of no where or sudden burst of anger out of no way and that the reader should know or imagine how a character is saying his/her dialogue by simply reading through the previous action and dialogue and how it flows?

My story was written in beats and reviewed by three people, (who are also reviewing the screenplay) and they say the story is great, it flows nicely and even though we know it will take about two hours or slightly over, we know that the first part (which is this part) should be done in about 40-45 mins, second part the same and last part about 30-35 mins. But I think if you read the screenplay, I am assuming that you would think that the story is fine. but the way have I written it, I could have done the same in less words. I knew even when I was in school, I had a habit of writing loads when it could have been done shorter. Thats a big issue I have but if there is a way I can have a couple of tips like your parentheses and ways of cutting an action scene down (maybe even some dialogue if I have to), then it will give me the idea and the confidence to do it for the rest.

If you want to read the script then you can send me a private message with your email and I will send it to our email if that makes it easier for you to receive to see?

 

[mmkp1990]

I can't access the Google Docs file yet, but 85 pages for the introduction of the tsunami hitting, kids getting rescued and heading out to find their family is certainly too much.

I'd dare say you should be looking at around 30-40 pages for that part. Being unable to read what you've got I can't specify what you're doing wrong, but you should take a break for a few days then come back and read through it all, and see if there's any scenes, situations, dialogue and so on that don't push the story forward to reveal more about the characters that are relevant to the audience. There may be things that you think are interesting, but if they're superfluous then they don't really need to be there.

I did send through a request to read it though, as Japan's a big interest for me and somewhere I regularly travel to.

I have replied to your request, like I said, if you read it, it probably seems like 40 odd minutes long, I think my writing style makes it seem longer than it actually is.

 

[FantasySciFi]

I am assuming the parentheticals should only be used if not obvious, like a sarcastic joke out of no where or sudden burst of anger out of no way and that the reader should know or imagine how a character is saying his/her dialogue by simply reading through the previous action and dialogue and how it flows?

Exactly. Parentheticals are like a strong spice that you be used lightly.

My story was written in beats and reviewed by three people, (who are also reviewing the screenplay) and they say the story is great, it flows nicely and even though we know it will take about two hours or slightly over, ...

My comment is about structure, not story though they tend to influence each other. You may have a miniseries rather than a movie. But please realize a script's role is not to be a faithful rendition of the book or story. Part of adapting is knowing what to cut out while preserving the essence of the story. It's a challenge which is why many times the screenwriter adapting a book is not the original author. The original author is just too close to the story to be able to delete their favorite bits. The Harry Potter films are hugely successful but anyone who has read the 600 page tomes knows quite a bit was cut to make a 120 page script. Boiling down a novel to its key essence takes a great deal of finesse.

I'm sure the story has great flow. Just realize that much of what makes a good novel can be irrelevant in a script--detailed descriptions, internal dialogue, connecting scenes, certain subplots, etc.

 

[mmkp1990]

Exactly. Parentheticals are like a strong spice that you be used lightly.

My comment is about structure, not story though they tend to influence each other. You may have a miniseries rather than a movie. But please realize a script's role is not to be a faithful rendition of the book or story. Part of adapting is knowing what to cut out while preserving the essence of the story. It's a challenge which is why many times the screenwriter adapting a book is not the original author. The original author is just too close to the story to be able to delete their favorite bits. The Harry Potter films are hugely successful but anyone who has read the 600 page tomes knows quite a bit was cut to make a 120 page script. Boiling down a novel to its key essence takes a great deal of finesse.

I'm sure the story has great flow. Just realize that much of what makes a good novel can be irrelevant in a script--detailed descriptions, internal dialogue, connecting scenes, certain subplots, etc.

Yeah thanks for your comment, it is something I need to learn but with people reading it, I think I will be able to improve my writing based on their comments (like yours as well) to make me a better screenwriter. The people who read mg script can tell me their thoughts as I have no problem with criticism as that is what I need and if they think that what I have written is fine but wrote if well longer than it should be (like you said structure) then will sort the structure out with their help from their comments, if they truly think that what I have written does take a lot if time and hence a lot of pages, then need to look at what I need to miss, but I am sure it is that I have wrote too much on stuff than can be written a lot shorter. At mean time I will read some scripts and see how many parenthesis they use to get an idea.

 

[VivaChiba]

I'll tell you what: post the first page (only) here and I'll show you how I personally would go about shortening it... though I get the idea from all comments made in this thread that your main problem is pacing (mainly down to too much trivial junk. Remember: a film is 90-120 minutes on average, so establish your characters and get on with your story).

 

[mmkp1990]

I'll tell you what: post the first page (only) here and I'll show you how I personally would go about shortening it... though I get the idea from all comments made in this thread that your main problem is pacing (mainly down to too much trivial junk. Remember: a film is 90-120 minutes on average, so establish your characters and get on with your story).

Ok vivachiba, here is the first page as you requested:

---------

FADE IN:

EXT. YAMAMOTO’S RESIDENCE, SONOKO – NIGHT

It’s a starry night outside the YAMAMOTO’S home. (Note: It’s a two-story house).

TAKASHI
Oh no!

Rest of the Yamamoto family can be heard laughing.

INT. YAMAMOTO’S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM, SONOKO –CONTINUOUS

The Yamamoto family is sitting on the floor around a table that contains a Ludo board. (Note: Seating position going clockwise: TAKASHI, HARUTO, MIYU, CHIYO)

TAKASHI (father), mid-30s, is a fun, easygoing man and loving father.

CHIYO (mother), mid-30s, a caring mother who often gets into fun little quibbles with her husband Takashi.

HARUTO (eldest son), 15, is a typical ordinary boy with brown spikey hair matching his brown eyes. Kind-hearted and sensible, he has a close bond with his sister Miyu.

MIYU (youngest daughter), 10, enjoys playing games and having fun. She is very sensitive and displays emotions easily due to her young age. She has ocean blue eyes along with long, black, hime cut style hair. She is very close and respectful towards her brother Haruto, often referring to him as onii-chan.

Takashi places his red Ludo piece back home.

TAKASHI
One space away from winning, thanks Chiyo.

CHIYO
You had plenty of opportunities to win the game, not my fault if you cannot finish it off.

TAKASHI
(sighs)
I just couldn’t roll that number one.

-------

Thank you

 

[Gonzo_Entertainment]

All that detail you posted, who is sitting where, what kind of night it is, etc... It's integral to the story? It's not the same story or events be will different or have a different meaning without it? If not, then leave it out.

Also, get rid of all the parentheticals.

 

[beamazed]

Adding to what Gonzo said, don't tell us, show us. Show the audience the relationships, don't just tell us about them. Film is visual, let people see it. That way you cut down on a lot of the description and make it more engaging for the reader.

 

[mmkp1990]

Thank you Gonzo and beamazed for your thoughts, this is helpful along with what other people have commented to help improve my writing

 

[VivaChiba]

Ok vivachiba, here is the first page as you requested:

My alterations are in bold (for ease of viewing). Please note that text appearing between bold Xs - Xlike thisX is what I'd omit. I really wish this site had a strikethrough (and apologise if I'm just blind to it).

---------

FADE IN:

EXT. YAMAMOTO’S RESIDENCE, SONOKO – NIGHT

XIt’s a starry night outside the YAMAMOTO’S home. (Note: It’s a two-story house).X
A two-floored family home, humble but adequate (or however you'd prefer to describe it).

TAKASHI (O.C.)
Oh no!

Rest of the Yamamoto family can be heard laughing.

INT. YAMAMOTO’S RESIDENCE - LIVING ROOM, SONOKO –CONTINUOUS

The Yamamoto family Xis sittingX sits on the floor around a Xtable that contains a XLudo board atop a low table. X(Note: Seating position going clockwise: TAKASHI, HARUTO, MIYU, CHIYO)X

NOTE: if the order they sit in is important, introduce them that way, via a clockwise roll of the camera (sometimes, you can write in camera directions, though it is best to avoid them)

TAKASHI X(father)X, mid-30s, is a fun, easygoing man and loving father.

CHIYO X(mother)X, mid-30s, has a caring face, and after years of marriage is still openly affectionate towards her husbandXa caring mother who often gets into fun little quibbles with her husband TakashiX.

HARUTO X(eldest son)X, 15, Xis a typical ordinary boy withX has brown spikey hair matching his brown eyes. Kind-hearted and sensible, he has a close bond with his sister, Miyu, 10, who is immediately differentiated by her ocean-blue eyes.

XMIYU (youngest daughter), 10, enjoys playing games and having fun. She is very sensitive and displays emotions easily due to her young age. She has ocean blue eyes along with long, black, hime cut style hair. She is very close and respectful towards her brother Haruto, often referring to him as onii-chan.X

Takashi places his red Ludo piece back home.

TAKASHI
One space away from winning, thanks ,Chiyo.

CHIYO
You had plenty of opportunities to win the game, not my fault if you cannot finish it off.

TAKASHI
X(sighs)X
I just couldn’t roll that number one.

-------

Thank you

NOTE: Your first lines of dialogue are very poor; you've only posted half a page so I've nothing left to judge.

 

[mmkp1990]

NOTE: Your first lines of dialogue are very poor; you've only posted half a page so I've nothing left to judge.

Thank you for your advice, really appreciate it. Thanks to all of the people on this thread who have helped me, I have managed to run through the script and condense it to 67 pages. I am about to run through it again and make the script tighter, I am currently on page 11 and have condensed it to 65 pages. I am hoping anyway between 45- 50 will be fine.

This is now what the first page looks like:

---

FADE IN:

INT. RICHARDSON’S HOME, GUEST BEDROOM – NIGHT

Heavy rain POUNDS on the window.

HARUTO (19), handsome Japanese boy with brown spikey hair and eyes is in a single bed, staring at the ceiling.

He turns to his left to stare at the rain-covered window, before looking at the scar on his wrist. He stares back at the window with a pained look.

EXT. YAMAMOTO’S HOME – NIGHT (FLASHBACK)

It’s a starry night outside the Yamamoto’s home.

TAKASHI (O.C.)
Oh no!

Laughter is heard from rest of family.

INT. YAMAMOTO’S HOME, LIVING ROOM – CONTINUOUS

The Yamamoto family sits on the floor around a Ludo board.

TAKASHI (mid 30s), father with matching brown hair and eyes, wearing glasses, throws his hands to his head in exaggeration.

CHIYO (mid 30s), a slender mother with twinkling blue eyes and long silky black hair that is tied near the bottom.

HARUTO (15) has brown spikey hair and eyes.

MIYU (10), the youngest daughter with ocean blue eyes along with long, black, hime cut style hair.

Takashi places his red Ludo piece back home.

TAKASHI
(jokingly)
One space away from winning. Thanks Chiyo.

CHIYO
Not my fault you couldn’t finish the game.

TAKASHI
I just couldn’t roll that number one.

---