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First scene of my new project, please critique

Medicine Crow

Medicine Crow

Sorry about the format, not quite sure how to do it properly. Anyway, this is the opening scene of a new project i've started writing on, so i'm looking for some critique and ways to improve the scene.
Thanks in advance :)



Code: 
EXT. TOWN OF WOODHILL - DAY

MR. HADDONFIELD, a mid-40's well dressed man, with a hat and a long black cotton trench coat on, strolls down the main street of the small town of Woodhill. His cane clicks rhythmically as he walks. Shops of different sorts fills the street view. He enters a woodworking shop. 

INT. OTIS' WOODWORKING SHOP - DAY
Mr. Haddonfield enters the shop. The shop is covered with different wood trinkets, miniature statues and so on. Even though some daylight shines through the small coloured windows, the shop is dim lit. Mr. Haddonfield takes of his hat, revealing his white unusual hair. A well-built man appears from the shops back room. It's MR. OTIS, a mid-50's man with long white hair in a ponytail and a matching white beard. He's wearing a leather apron. 
    
Mr. Haddonfield addresses him as he walks in.  

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD
Oh, how the willful have fallen. Strange really, how time corrodes even the strongest.[/CENTER]

Mr. Otis slumps down in the chair behind the desk in the middle of the shop. 

[CENTER]OTIS 
Do not confuse your status with actual power. You too have fallen far from your previous grace. [/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield slowly walks around the shop, studying the items for sale.

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD
King of the underworld or mayor of this island, is all the same to me. At least here I rule under an open sky.

OTIS 
You are far from a king here.

HADDONFIELD 
Yet the closest of us, to one.[/CENTER]

Mr. Otis picks up a small unfinished statue of a boar and starts working on it. 

[CENTER]OTIS
What can I do for you today? Mr. Haddonfield. [/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield picks up a small dusty statue of a viking and studies it.

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD
Though your work here is... Interesting, I am looking for something more useful.

OTIS 
I see, and what might that be?[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield puts the statue down and turns to Mr. Otis.

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD 
Information. [/CENTER]

Mr. Otis keeps his eyes on his work.

[CENTER]OTIS 
The murders.[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield continues to walk around the shop.

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD
Indeed. Another family were found dead in their home yesterday. It's the third family this month.  

OTIS
I've heard.[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield stops, turns and walks up to Mr. Otis' desk   

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD
I'm sure you have. And as you know, not only is murder highly illegal, but more importantly a direct violation of the agreement, we all made when we first came here.[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield is now standing directly in front of the desk. both hands on the desk. Mr. Otis still keeps his eyes on his work. 

[CENTER]OTIS 
You know as well as I do, not everyone was too fund of that agreement.[/CENTER]
 
[CENTER]HADDONFIELD 
That may be, but still irrelevant. And as I recall, you weren't over the moon about the agreement yourself.[/CENTER]

Mr. Otis stops his work and look directly at Mr. Haddonfield, who is still standing in a threatening manner in front of the desk.

[CENTER]OTIS 
I fail to see the connection between my very public, if I might add, objection to the agreement, and the killing of three deadling families.[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield backs away from the desk and throws his arms to the sides.

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD 
Oh no, no, dear Otis, you're much smarter than that. You wouldn't risk such a blunt move. I merely believe the culprit might have confided in you, since your held in such high regard in the community.

OTIS 
I know why these murders worry you so Mr. Haddonfield.

HADDONFIELD
I see.[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield finds a wooden chess board, the game is played half way through.

[CENTER]OTIS
The election. You need the deadling votes and if you don't get this... mess, under control, they just might elect someone who can and who could blame them. You have no concern for the agreement or the deadlings.[/CENTER]
 
He studies the chess board for a second, then check mates the white king.
 
[CENTER]HADDONFIELD 
I am impressed, you see much Mr. Otis, though the one is glass.[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield taps a finger near his eye.

[CENTER]HADDONFIELD 
Tell me, do you remember the punishment for violating the agreement?

OTIS
Of course.

HADDONFIELD
Remind me.
[/CENTER]

Mr. Haddonfield puts his hat on and starts to walk out of the shop.

[CENTER]OTIS 
Death.[/CENTER]

Halfway through the door Mr. Haddonfield looks back at Mr. Otis.
 
[CENTER]HADDONFIELD
And I'll enjoy yours immensely. Good day Mr. Otis.

He exits the shop.[/CENTER]
 
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Too much excess description and actor instruction (actually annoyingly too much instruction). My suggestions for screenplay format and conciseness are below:

EXT. MAIN STREET, SMALL TOWN - DAY

FIRST NAME HADDONFIELD (white, 40's) well dressed, hat, black trench coat, walks with a cane.

INT. WOODWORKING SHOP - DAY
Wood trinkets fill the dimly lit shop. Haddonfield enters. The shopkeeper is FIRST NAME OTIS (white, 50's), a white bearded, ponytailed man in a leather apron.

HADDONFIELD
Oh, how the willful have fallen. Strange really, how time corrodes even the strongest.

OTIS
Do not confuse your status with actual power. You too have fallen far from your previous grace.

HADDONFIELD
King of the underworld or mayor of this island, is all the same to me. At least here I rule under an open sky.

OTIS
You are far from a king here.

HADDONFIELD
Yet the closest of us, to one.

OTIS
What can I do for you today, Mr. Haddonfield?

Haddonfield studies a small dusty statue of a viking.

HADDONFIELD
Though your work here is... interesting, I am looking for something more useful.

OTIS
I see, and what might that be?

HADDONFIELD
Information.

OTIS
The murders.

HADDONFIELD
Indeed. Another family were found dead in their home yesterday. It's the third family this month.

P.S. If you don't want to use first names, just use HADDONFIELD and OTIS.
 
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Thank you for the replies :) I do understand there might be a problem with the excess amount of description. I initiallly wrote this as part of a graphic novel, where a lot of description is needed for the artist. But I see your point and will trim the script some more for the movie script
thanks!
 
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It's a question of personal taste and writing style. Action writers tend to be very minimal with description. But they also tend to direct what they write, so they already have it in their mind. I think you could tighten up the descriptions a little, but for the most part, the description for me as a reader and visual screenwriter was not distracting. And as an actor, I didn't find the suggestions annoying.

It's just a matter of personal style. For me, it helps to have context. I loved that you said "he slumps down into the chair". As an actor it helps me conjure up this character. As a director it gives me a sense how I want to storyboard the shot. This is a case where I think you provide a relatively good balance without being too flowery.

I'm not sure I agree with cutting "It's the third family" either. It's not expository but does emphasize that this a pattern. Too many writers confuse giving simple facts with being expository. It's okay to give some information to the audience. Just don't give every detail related to the story. I found myself wanting more information after reading that. Which families? What happened? etc.

It's funny that you mentioned being a graphic novel. In reading it, it seemed like something Neil Gaiman might write. Good luck.
 
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Well, you raise an important point. Who is your audience? I will admit I am always in spec screenplay mode which is why you want as little description/instruction as possible. Producers and especially directors dislike when a writer intrudes on "their turf."

If it's just notes for yourself, its probably OK. Though I know many experts will say not to do it anyways to allow for spontaneity. Judith Weston's book even suggests to directors to cross out as much description/instruction and gives good reasons for doing so. I fully agree with her too.
 
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FantasySiFi:
Thank you for your response, I'm happy you think it's a good start. I've only read a bit of Gaiman's Sandman series and really enjoyed it, so if you think it has a Neil Gaiman feel to it, I take that as a compliment :) I have finished the first chapter, which I will adapt to a movie script when I get around to it.

DIY:
Thank you for commenting and giving some constructive criticism, I appreciate it :) I don't really have a target audience. I just thought of a story, i found would be interesting to tell so I started writing it. I Actually wrote the dialogue first, while visualizing how the scene would look and then went back and wrote the action/description afterwards. I have no intention of directing or producing the final script, so I felt there was a need for some description to convey the atmosphere and feel of the scene, but then again I have no experience or knowledge about what producers and directors are looking for.
 
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DIY said:
Well, you raise an important point. Who is your audience? I will admit I am always in spec screenplay mode which is why you want as little description/instruction as possible. Producers and especially directors dislike when a writer intrudes on "their turf."

If it's just notes for yourself, its probably OK. Though I know many experts will say not to do it anyways to allow for spontaneity. Judith Weston's book even suggests to directors to cross out as much description/instruction and gives good reasons for doing so. I fully agree with her too.
Click to expand...

I've not read Ms. Weston's book. A quick look at her IMDB (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0922981) suggests she has acting experience and writing experience. However, it seems she's never directed. If it had been a director with several productions, I would give it more credence. Her work tends to focus on helping directors get performances from actors.

While it is the prerogative of the director to ignore it. To get it into a director's hands, it must first get the attention of someone who will read it and think it's worth making into a film. Scripts are not dialogue driven but visual. Please understand, DIY, I'm not targeting your comments. I am focusing on what I think is a very detrimental notion being passed along by a self-proclaimed expert (Ms. Weston).

A producer and reader looks at the balance of description to dialogue. It should be roughly equal, a balance of white space. Too much dialogue will cause a script to be passed. A particularly good screenwriter, director and producer is David Mamet (http://www.imdb.com/name/nm0000519). He has books worth reading. But one of his tests that he has new screenwriters do is remove all the dialogue. The story should be evident if all the dialogue were removed. In Medicine Crow's case:

Code: 
EXT. TOWN OF WOODHILL - DAY

MR. HADDONFIELD, a mid-40's well dressed man, with a hat and a long 
black cotton trench coat on, strolls down the main street of the small town 
of Woodhill. His cane clicks rhythmically as he walks. Shops of different 
sorts fills the street view. He enters a woodworking shop. 

INT. OTIS' WOODWORKING SHOP - DAY
Mr. Haddonfield enters the shop. The shop is covered with different 
wood trinkets, miniature statues and so on. Even though some daylight 
shines through the small coloured windows, the shop is dim lit. Mr. 
Haddonfield takes of his hat, revealing his white unusual hair. A well-built 
man appears from the shops back room. It's MR. OTIS, a mid-50's man with 
long white hair in a ponytail and a matching white beard. He's wearing a 
leather apron. 
    
Mr. Haddonfield addresses him as he walks in.  

Mr. Otis slumps down in the chair behind the desk in the middle of the shop. 

Mr. Haddonfield slowly walks around the shop, studying the items for sale.

Mr. Otis picks up a small unfinished statue of a boar and starts working on it. 

Mr. Haddonfield picks up a small dusty statue of a viking and studies it.

Mr. Haddonfield puts the statue down and turns to Mr. Otis.

Mr. Otis keeps his eyes on his work.

Mr. Haddonfield continues to walk around the shop.

Mr. Haddonfield stops, turns and walks up to Mr. Otis' desk   

Mr. Haddonfield is now standing directly in front of the desk. 
both hands on the desk. Mr. Otis still keeps his eyes on his work. 

Mr. Otis stops his work and look directly at Mr. Haddonfield, who is 
still standing in a threatening manner in front of the desk.

Mr. Haddonfield backs away from the desk and throws his arms to 
the sides.

Mr. Haddonfield finds a wooden chess board, the game is played 
half way through.

He studies the chess board for a second, then check mates the 
white king.
 
Mr. Haddonfield taps a finger near his eye.

Mr. Haddonfield puts his hat on and starts to walk out of the shop.

Halfway through the door Mr. Haddonfield looks back at Mr. Otis.
This tells a visual story which is what a movie is about.

Based on Weston's suggestion, this became:
Code: 
INT. OTIS' WOODWORKING SHOP - DAY

Haddonfield studies a small dusty statue of a viking.
This doesn't pass the Mamet test. And personally, I trust someone with 42 writing credits, 20 directing credits, 6 producer credits, 3 acting credits along with his 2 Oscars and other awards slightly more than Ms. Weston. I'm sure she means well, but I wouldn't follow her advice to closely.
 
Last edited:
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I believe Ms. Weston has a lot of backers but I'm not citing her exclusively. Again, this is for spec scripts and Mr. Mamet probably has the credits to ignore what 99% of the what producers and directors do when they see a spec script. So lack of directing experience isn't the criteria at all. Plus time and time again, it's not Ms. Weston who says this and many on this board recommend her which is why I picked up the book.

Frankly speaking, looking at just the screenplay without dialogue look pretty ridiculous to me. But I can take a screenplay of pure dialogue and imagine the blocking and emotions of the actors.

I do find it ironic that I am moving from writer to writer/director/producer so I can basically ignore screenplay convention LOL!
 
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