Okay,
Critique on music remix:
Wayyyy to roomy on the voices in the beginning. It sounds like this was recorded with an H2 or wide pattern condenser mic in a very reverberant room like a kitchen or linoleum floored, bare-walled area. I'd record the dialogue in a very cluttered room with a lot of carpet wall to wall, a bunch of cushions on the sofa and cushioned chairs, etc. The voices also sound extremely thin and over-limited. I'd notch a generous amount of 2K to 5K out of them, boost around 100-300 with a large bell, and also possibly notch the dirtiness around 10K. Do you know what mixing has been done to them?
Get the beat in and louder faster. It gradually fades up - make it grab you, in really emphatically.
Some of the dialogue is extremely distorted. I'm not sure if this was intentional or not (like a Gorillaz' album).
The repeats get quite repetitive sometimes.
The music mix:
It's very mono. Pretty much the only thing that is stereo is the acoustic guitar. It's also quite repetitive as well. Is there a way to spice it up with a bit of a guitar solo or dropping a beat or adding something in? I'd keep the bass and kick in the middle, pan the snare/claps to the left to about 15 (out of 100) and sent the shaker all the way left or right and the guitars panned equally 50/50 left and right. Did you record the instruments yourself? Are they live or loops?
I'd add a bit of verb to the voices, like a nice medium warm room with a decay of about .8 seconds on it and a pre-delay of about 60+ milliseconds.
Cool concept. I think you did put it together well.