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Feedback wanted on new script

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Hey, how's it going Zaco32.

I know you said you weren't worrying about formatting, but just Google some basic script formats, it would make life much easier.

Let's talk about the story.

Bell was murdered six years ago, and no one bothered to interview this suspect until now? As someone who works in the law enforcement field, it doesn't make sense to abandoned an interview just because someone didn't answer the door. You get their contact information, work place, etc.

The two officers come across as extremely unprofessional. They just walk into a suspect's house and immediately pin the murder on him. Why? How do they know he's the murderer? What makes him a suspect? Just because he was a neighbor? Why would Mayfield jump over the table and beat him to death? Why would he do this? Does he have any connections to the victim?

Keep at it. You're heading in the right direction.
 
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Toxoiid said:
Hey, how's it going Zaco32.

I know you said you weren't worrying about formatting, but just Google some basic script formats, it would make life much easier.

Let's talk about the story.

Bell was murdered six years ago, and no one bothered to interview this suspect until now? As someone who works in the law enforcement field, it doesn't make sense to abandoned an interview just because someone didn't answer the door. You get their contact information, work place, etc.

The two offices come across of extremely unprofessional. They just walk into a suspect's house and immediately pin the murder on him. Why? How do they know he's the murderer? What makes him a suspect? Just because he was a neighbor? Why would Mayfield jump over the table and beat him to death? Why would he do this? Does he have any connections to the victim?

Keep at it. You're heading in the right direction.
Click to expand...


Hey, thank you for taking the time to read it. I'm actually gonna have this thread removed due to the 80+ views and no responses. I do not want to leave my work out there and have it be taken. But thank you for reading it and your feedback. I will be rewriting it for the third time in hoping to fix some of these plot holes.
 
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Zaco32 said:
Hey guys!
I'd like some feed back on my new script. I'm not worried about the format of it but
there are some obvious weak points that I'd like some help with. So thank you for
taking the time to read it!

The link should be fixed. Sorry about that.

Screen Play Link:
REMOVED LINK DUE TO NO RESPONSES.
Click to expand...
Hi Zaco. Welcome! Using proper screenwriting format is really an important part of the discipline. I know many starting writers want feedback on their stories but that's only one third of the elements that make up the script (format, structure and story). It's good to learn and use it out of the gate. That helps experienced writers give you better advice. A good story does not make a good script though a good script has a good story. A good script also has good structure/pacing and is well formatted.

Zaco32 said:
Hey, thank you for taking the time to read it. I'm actually gonna have this thread removed due to the 80+ views and no responses. I do not want to leave my work out there and have it be taken. But thank you for reading it and your feedback. I will be rewriting it for the third time in hoping to fix some of these plot holes.
Click to expand...
There are many reasons for multiple views and no comments. Often members and guests look to see who has posted, what the discussion is, etc. without ever visiting the link. To get a better idea, I'd look to see how many times the google link was visited. I doubt that it was 80+ times. Often before I comment on a script, I'll see the comments of others. There are several knowledgeable people here, so you don't have to hear the same feedback multiple times. And to be blunt, having read hundreds of scripts, there just aren't many 'new' and 'unique' ideas from writers. Most have different characters, locations, and a few slight variations, but the same mystery lies underneath. There is never a guarantee obviously, but more guests here are curious how to write and want to see your style than steal your idea. It takes a lot of work to make a movie. Taking a raw story to make it a real script takes work. Selling a script is even more difficult if you're not making it yourself. That sad fact is that some really good, clever scripts go unmade. Shorts don't make money, so why worry about it? Someone pays to make it into a movie, pays to put it in a festival and that's the end of it. I'm the first to encourage writers to document and register scripts before submitting/posting them. (On the bright side, someone who wants to steal your script would want it properly formatted. Thieves tend to be lazy bastards. :lol:)

While I appreciate your concerns, my advice is that you only share the first ten pages of your script if you're concerned. The first ten pages are sufficient for a reader to determine the quality of your writing, problems of formatting, issues of structure and pacing, character development and dialogue issues. For many readers the first five pages are the make-or-break stage. If it fails to capture a professional readers interest by the first five pages, it's passed on (rejected).

I don't mean to make light of your legitimate concern. However, you must find balance. If you are asking advice, you need to expect that many will read without comment, some will read just to see the comments, some will read just to learn how to write, and others click on the wrong thread. A few will be looking for ideas. Unfortunately, you can't copyright or protect ideas. Copyright protects the finished piece and extend some protections as to adaptation. It doesn't protect the story idea itself. If you want feedback on your script, you only need the first ten pages. If you want feedback on your story idea, well, then you need to put yourself out there. You have to ask yourself, since you've been on this forum, how many times have you viewed a thread without commenting? Why? Have you only checked it out 25 or so times? Do you always log in to check, or do you sometimes just go in as a guest to do a quick peek? Even reading your own thread can add to the read count. Don't panic. There are people who can't give their screenplays away, and who would love for someone to steal them and make them into a movie. Good luck with your future screenwriting endeavors.
 
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It's too bad you removed the link so quickly. According to the time
line I see you posted it a 7:25PM on Wednesday and removed it at
8:18AM on Thursday. Not quite 13 hours – and here on the west
coast all at night. I wasn't even on-line those hours. I suspect many
people weren't.

Oh well.
 
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You can prevent anyone stealing your script by just putting a copyright clause on the first page. I honestly wouldn't worry about it altogether. Anyone who loves a filmmaking enough to go through the trouble of producing it is going to probably just write their own script from their own concept. (I'm assuming that it's a short, not a feature. If it's a feature you should probably send it to a script reader for feedback, not post in on an online forum.)

As someone who has posted scripts on this forum before, I can say that getting 70-80 views before getting a response it pretty normal. Just put it back up and let people respond.

I started out writing scripts on Microsoft Word, and you should know that formatting is important. You can buy a copy of Final Draft, but if that is out of your budget range just go online and use something like Adobe Story. It gets the job done.
 
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dahwws said:
You can prevent anyone stealing your script by just putting a copyright clause on the first page.
Click to expand...
I just want to make copyright a little more clear than this. Putting
a copyright clause on the first page will not prevent someone from
stealing a script. If a writer officially registers the copyright of their
script that registration will help establish ownership if someone
steals the script. Someone can still steal it - the writer will have
some legal recourse if a movie is made using the exact script.

I'm sure that's what you meant. The way you worded it may lead
someone to think their script is protected if they put a copyright
clause on the first page and that isn't true.
 
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The setting doesn't really ring true for me, as already mentioned. I think it's police procedure where it falls down as much as anything. They don't convince as police officers.

The interrogation and the crime itself both seem a little... obvious? He knows he did it, the cops know he did it, and because you show it all, the audience know he did it... so where's the tension? You could say it's because the cops don't have the proof, but if the new evidence is salient, and the chief suspect has no alibi or corroboration beyond "I was asleep", I imagine he'd be in custody before the end of the film.

The best interrogation scenes are like chess matches between two grandmasters... this one is essentially: "You did it!" "No I didn't" "You did!" "No I didn't. Are we done here?"

Best of luck with it :)
 
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FantasySciFi already said it. When you ask fellow screenplay writers
to offer feedback on a screenplay the screenplay should be in the
proper screenplay format.

Since you put in the camera angles do you want feedback on your
use of the camera? Or are we to ignore your camera direction?

Your cops speak as if they have seen too many cop shows on TV.
They speak in cliches.
 
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maz said:
The setting doesn't really ring true for me, as already mentioned. I think it's police procedure where it falls down as much as anything. They don't convince as police officers.

The interrogation and the crime itself both seem a little... obvious? He knows he did it, the cops know he did it, and because you show it all, the audience know he did it... so where's the tension? You could say it's because the cops don't have the proof, but if the new evidence is salient, and the chief suspect has no alibi or corroboration beyond "I was asleep", I imagine he'd be in custody before the end of the film.

The best interrogation scenes are like chess matches between two grandmasters... this one is essentially: "You did it!" "No I didn't" "You did!" "No I didn't. Are we done here?"

Best of luck with it :)
Click to expand...

Thanks for reading it maz & directorik. Yeah, I'm having trouble getting the police officers to not be cliche and to have some character development but I feel as though it is tough to do because everything with police officers have been done over and over again. I rather have them be cliche or to provide some comic relief rather than to act like bad asses. Anyway, I think I should take the cops knowledge of the murder and evidence out of the story so only the suspect and audience know. I need to make it more interesting between the officers and the suspect so that challenge each others smarts. Maz, thank you again!



directorik said:
FantasySciFi already said it. When you ask fellow screenplay writers
to offer feedback on a screenplay the screenplay should be in the
proper screenplay format.

Since you put in the camera angles do you want feedback on your
use of the camera? Or are we to ignore your camera direction?

Your cops speak as if they have seen too many cop shows on TV.
They speak in cliches.
Click to expand...

Directorik, I understand the cliches and I will try to change them. And no, I just wanted to have the script read through. Camera angles and small notes were for me. I understand about having the correct format but at this stage of development, my second draft, I do not think it is as crucial at this point as you have it out to be. It will ultimately get there. Thank you both for taking the time to read through it!
 
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Zaco32 said:
I understand about having the correct format but at this stage of development, my second draft, I do not think it is as crucial at this point as you have it out to be. It will ultimately get there.
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I think you're wrong. A screenplay isn't a screenplay if it's not formatted
as a screenplay. If you want feedback on a short story then screenplay
format isn't crucial. I never hurts the writer of a screenplay to always
use proper screenplay format - from first draft on. If nothing else a properly
formatted screenplay shows respect to the people you ask to read it.
 
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directorik said:
I think you're wrong. A screenplay isn't a screenplay if it's not formatted
as a screenplay. If you want feedback on a short story then screenplay
format isn't crucial. I never hurts the writer of a screenplay to always
use proper screenplay format - from first draft on. If nothing else a properly
formatted screenplay shows respect to the people you ask to read it.
Click to expand...

Gotcha. Thanks for your comment and I will make an effort to fix the formatting.

Here is the new formatted screenplay link:
https://docs.google.com/document/d/1v5Kqcq1Z7Xu_CcJj79gK-xc6SARwhUCOZUdSad2EHCQ/edit?usp=sharing
 
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You need to work on your format.

I'm sorry to keep on something that you feel is not important
but as you know I feel it is. Your format is terrible. Makes reading
it as a screenplay difficult. I am not at all interested in where you
are going to put the camera, how it's going to move and what
shot you will use. I'm only interesting in your story

Allow me to give you an example of "on the nose" dialogue you
should change:

The cops presumably know each other - this isn't their first day
together. Am I right? So why would Connor ask Mayfield why he
wants to be a cop? How about getting that little joke in as if it's
a running gag between two partners?

Take a look at a few scripts. Take out your camera directions.
Format it correctly and your fellow screenwriters won't be distracted
by your poor format. It's not that difficult and it's an essential part
of learning to write a screenplay.
 
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You don't need camera angles in a spec script. If it gets produced, the director will mark the living shit out of it and your camera angles will only piss him/her off. All you want to get across is the STORY.
 
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A producer and director want a properly formatted script because when it follows proper formatting, it times out to about 1 screen minute per page. While you've made a pseudo-script, it will be misleading if you tried to use it for actual production. In this case your seven pages will more likely be 9-10 pages if properly formatted. Given the descriptions that you describe but don't document properly. As an AD, I would allow 1.5-2 hrs per page for shooting. So you'll need probably 15-20 hrs to shoot this. Most shoot days are 10-12 hrs. It could be shot in a weekend. Given all the camera descriptions, though, you're more likely looking at 2.5 hrs/page. And if it's just friends, probably 6-8 hrs days. Expect at least three days or two weekends.

As for the 'story', you present a series of images that really don't tell a story. The characters are all flat with dialogue that's pretty empty. There is no action, conflict or mystery to really hold the interest of the audience. I was done with it after page 4. I forced myself to read to the end. It was uneventful and a waste of five minutes. As a first effort, I think you put more thought into the camera work than actually creating a story worth telling. Never do your camera work in a script draft. As a writer/director you NEED TO PUT STORY FIRST. You'll have plenty of opportunity to storyboard and decide on camera direction later. As it is, I'd give it 2 of 5 stars. As others mentioned, it's unbelievable.
 
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directorik said:
You need to work on your format.

I'm sorry to keep on something that you feel is not important
but as you know I feel it is. Your format is terrible. Makes reading
it as a screenplay difficult. I am not at all interested in where you
are going to put the camera, how it's going to move and what
shot you will use. I'm only interesting in your story

Allow me to give you an example of "on the nose" dialogue you
should change:

The cops presumably know each other - this isn't their first day
together. Am I right? So why would Connor ask Mayfield why he
wants to be a cop? How about getting that little joke in as if it's
a running gag between two partners?

Take a look at a few scripts. Take out your camera directions.
Format it correctly and your fellow screenwriters won't be distracted
by your poor format. It's not that difficult and it's an essential part
of learning to write a screenplay.
Click to expand...

I feel that the format from the first screenplay I posted has improved drastically. I will continue to work on it and remove camera angles and treat it more as a story.

I will get the format squared away so can we move on a discuss the actually content of the screenplay?

Adeimantus said:
You don't need camera angles in a spec script. If it gets produced, the director will mark the living shit out of it and your camera angles will only piss him/her off. All you want to get across is the STORY.
Click to expand...

Note taken. No more camera angles. How can I improve the story? I now understand that a screenplay is more to get your story across but I need the help to convey my story. I'm obviously not a great writer, I like the visual aspect of film making more. I think that is to why I added the camera angles. I was getting ahead of myself.


FantasySciFi said:
As for the 'story', you present a series of images that really don't tell a story. The characters are all flat with dialogue that's pretty empty. There is no action, conflict or mystery to really hold the interest of the audience. I was done with it after page 4. I forced myself to read to the end. It was uneventful and a waste of five minutes. As a first effort, I think you put more thought into the camera work than actually creating a story worth telling. Never do your camera work in a script draft. As a writer/director you NEED TO PUT STORY FIRST. You'll have plenty of opportunity to storyboard and decide on camera direction later. As it is, I'd give it 2 of 5 stars. As others mentioned, it's unbelievable.
Click to expand...

How can I fix the dialogue and improve the conflict in the story? I'm trying to keep this project realist. I have only make on other two minute short and I don't have a lot of equipment. This isn't an excuse but I'd like for you I keep that in mind. Maybe that is why I tried to keep it simple. How can I fix this script's dullness?
 
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What IS your story? You need to work that out first. As it stands it seems like you have a single sequence - a man lies to some police officers - but that isn't a story.
 
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