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Feedback on my short film script

robert_carr1

robert_carr1

I have been working on this short script for a while now in my spare time, I have only written one script before this one and I have never really shown people my work.

I have many ideas for 15 minute short films, but as I have only create a couple of films in the past I am trying to start of small before I tackle those films.
This script is a scene out of a larger idea I have, I have looked over this script probably to many times and I still feel like it is missing something, but I don't know what it is. I hopefully plan to shoot this film before the end of the year.

Any constructive criticism about my script would be very welcoming as it will help me learn.

Thanks.

_____________________________________________________________________________________

JIMMY

FADE IN:



INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

A wooden chair alone in the middle of a room, a BODYGUARD
drags JIMMY 28, blood on his T-shirt and trousers, hands tied
behind his back, blindfolded. He is flung on the chair.
Jimmies head is down.

JIMMY'S POV

THOMAS
Leave us.

The Bodyguard leave the room. Darkness, heavy breathing. The
black blindfold is removed from Jimmies head, the contrast in
light is blinding. He looks up, his eyes start to adjust to
the light, then THOMAS punches him in the face.

Jimmies head gets thrown to the right, his eyes are blurry
and dazed. He spits blood out of his mouth and it hits the
floor. As he straightens up we also see the blood drip on to
his cloths. He looks up and Thomas 28, short black hair, six
foot tall, scars on his face, comes into focus.

THOMAS (CONT'D)
Where did you put it Jimmy?

Jimmies head drops back down.

BACK TO SCENE

THOMAS (CONT'D)
We've been doing this too long now?
Just tell me where you put it?

JIMMY
You'll never find it.

THOMAS
That's why you are going to tell me
where it is. How long do you reckon
we've got left, cos I'm starting to
get tired Jimmy.

JIMMY
We've lived to long now Thomas,
don't you just want it to end.

THOMAS
End! Why would I want this to end?
We've served others, we've been
kings, fought through wars and,
we've always been the last one's
left.

JIMMY
And we've destroyed too many lives.

Jimmy looks down.



INT. KITCHEN - DAY

TAYLOR'S face, eyes open, blood running down her forehead. We
slowly move back relieving she is covered in blood. It is
smeared all over the kitchen doors and floor. Thomas walks
past her.

THOMAS (V.O.)
What! Like TAYLOR, I killed her
just to get to you.



INT. WAREHOUSE - NIGHT

Jimmy tries to stand up and move towards Thomas but his legs
give way and he falls to the floor. Thomas picks him up,
places him on the chair and wipes Jimmies blood he has on his
on back on to Jimmies clothes.

THOMAS
Just tell me where it is and you
can live the rest of your life the
way you want.

Jimmy smirks.

JIMMY
If I give it to you, no-one is
safe.

THOMAS
So you are going to suffer to save
them. For those same people who
ripped us apart, tried to find out
how we worked.

JIMMY
That was a long time ago, it was
different back then.

THOMAS
We still had to kill them all
didn't we Jimmy and it's a lot more
dangerous now. Since you are trying
to avoid my question, there's no
point me wasting any more time on
you, for now.

JIMMY
You know you can not kill me.

Thomas walks over to Jimmy, they are face to face.

THOMAS
Many Have tried, including me but
I'm going to have to keep killing
you until you tell me where it is.

Thomas takes out a gun from inside of his pocket.

THOMAS (CONT'D)
Bye Jimmy

Thomas pull the trigger and shoots, Jimmies head jerks
backwards and blood runs down his forehead. Jimmies body
shatters in to a million pieces and turns in to smoke.

Thomas turns and walks away.

FADE TO BLACK.



EXT. DESERT - DAY

Jimmies eyes are closed, then suddenly open. Sand around his
head, we start to move away from him and he starts to get up.
More and more of the desert can be seen, he takes his jacket
of and starts to walk.
 
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Thanks. I have a brief idea of what it is but like you said I need to work out the main details.
I could add a short scene of Jimmy hiding it, so the audience gets a glimpse of the physical object and what it does. What do you think?
 
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Here's my feedback:

The flashback scene could be moved to the start of the script without the voice over of Thomas, which would make the audience ask the question - "Who is this girl, why is she being or has been killed?" if you could flesh that out a bit more it may make your script feel fuller.

The dialogue Thomas says in the voice over in the flashback could be spoken by him on screen with maybe a quick flash of Taylor so the reader/audience realises who the girl at the start was.
 
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Classic MacGuffin storyline. It's a difficult choice to either leave the 'IT' as a total mystery which I guess is a bit of a cliche in itself, or reveal some detail of what the 'IT' is which could destroy the mystery for the audience.

Not an easy choise to make.

IF you're suggesting that these two have been at it for thousands of years I wonder if Thomas and Jimmy are really appropriate names for the characters. Totally fine for them to pass themselevs of as Thomas and Jimmy to the modern world but I don't think you get many Jimmys back in babylonian times!!

Probably overthinking that, but there seems a possiblity for another layer of story there showing the reincarnation of body in contrast to the identity of their true selves!!

Otherwise...yeah looks cool!!
 
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ShockingMind said:
Classic MacGuffin storyline. It's a difficult choice to either leave the 'IT' as a total mystery which I guess is a bit of a cliche in itself, or reveal some detail of what the 'IT' is which could destroy the mystery for the audience.
Click to expand...

^This^

Ever since Pulp Fiction, leaving your MacGuffin a mystery has been the "cool" thing to do. I'm even guilty of it. I have a similarly structured short film that I made a while ago. Not a very good short, but for I was trying to accomplish, it worked...

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JEaQWtpO_PQ
 
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Overall very interesting. I think it's too abrupt for a beginning having the flashback with the dead girl. That only makes sense later and is more illogical placed in the beginning. It really needs more time to develop it for the the audience. So, elaborate it or move it to a later portion.

The characters need more development. Even in this short tidbit, they could be made more interesting. The actors will bring some of that but the dialogue between them seems rather flat which is opposite what you'd expect two old souls. It sounds like it went from a 'bromance' to 'frenemies' to outright nemeses. That should show up in how they address each other.

As for the plot points, obviously neither can be killed and know that fact. So shooting him seems rather counterproductive. If I were Thomas I'd probably say something like "Killing you wouldn't get what I want. But I can make sure you endure unending pain." Then I'd have Jimmy spot an open window and throw himself out of it. When he hits the pavement, he splatters into black smoke. We watch Thomas glower and smack the side of the window sill. In this case, Jimmy kills himself to "re-boot the game".

Here is how I would re-incorporate your elements in a treatment style.

"Focusing in on a small cell, Jimmy (28) lies beaten and bloodied. The scene fades to black. We see him with a girl, laughing. She looks in the fridge and sends him out. He pulls up and has the grocery bag in his arms. The back door is open. He pushes through and freezes. He drops the bag and runs over to the girl dead in a pool of blood. Jimmy is shaken awake as a large brute grabs him and roughly pushes a black hood over him.

Scene changes as he's marched into a warehouse were a tall figure stands in the darkness. "Put him in the chair then leave us." Jimmy's figure sits slumped in the chair as the figure steps into the light. He pulls off the hood. Jimmy's bloodied face looks up at the dark haired man. "Thomas!" Jimmy spits out. Thomas begins interrogating Jimmy, reminding him of how they were once like brothers, allied against their oppressors until Jimmy's change of heart. If Jimmy would just rejoin with him, all would be forgiven. All he needs, as a gesture of good faith, would be the return of the artifact. Jimmy counters with how Thomas has changed, becoming consumed with hatred and drive to enslave the innocent. Jimmy lets him know that he can't be killed. Thomas mood sours then lightens as he reminds him, "You can't be killed but you can enjoy endless suffering." As Thomas selects an instrument of torture, Jimmy kicks him and then jumps through an open window to his apparent death only to shatter into a cloud of black smoke. Thomas curses as the brutish bodyguards rush in.

Jimmy awakens in the desert, starts to sit up and collapses back down. ..."

You want to create more of a sense of these two having a history. You need to make the scene with the girl have meaning rather than just tossing it on the screen as a blood splatter. I really like your idea, just don't rush it. Give it some time to develop. New writers tend to want to rush to "the action" or "gore" without pacing the relationship. That makes the script dialogue flat.

Anyway, a good start. I'm curious to see how you develop it out.
 
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Thanks for all of the feedback its really making me want to work on this film more and more.

IF you're suggesting that these two have been at it for thousands of years I wonder if Thomas and Jimmy are really appropriate names for the characters. Totally fine for them to pass themselevs of as Thomas and Jimmy to the modern world but I don't think you get many Jimmys back in babylonian times!!
Click to expand...

The names are something I thought a lot about, after chosen the name Thomas I Googled it and it can mean twin, which hopefully this story may turn out to be a larger film in the future that is am element I could work on. The only reason I chose Jimmy is because I liked the way it rolls of the tongue "Where is it Jimmy" but just before Jimmy gets shot I may include older name when Thomas says "Bye Jimmy" just to give it that extra element.

Ever since Pulp Fiction, leaving your MacGuffin a mystery has been the "cool" thing to do. I'm even guilty of it. I have a similarly structured short film that I made a while ago. Not a very good short, but for I was trying to accomplish, it worked...
Click to expand...

Pulp Fiction, Reservoir Dogs, Quentin Tarantino style is something that I have looked at to try and learn from. I am not trying to copy I am just trying to add my own style to that format and accomplish a short film that starts the building blocks for other films or even takes this one to bigger scale. Your short film achieves its purpose, you are left we the feeling of what was this thing, but you can see that the character has real power so the thing does not really matter.

You want to create more of a sense of these two having a history. You need to make the scene with the girl have meaning rather than just tossing it on the screen as a blood splatter. I really like your idea, just don't rush it. Give it some time to develop. New writers tend to want to rush to "the action" or "gore" without pacing the relationship. That makes the script dialogue flat.
Click to expand...

I agree with putting my time in to Jimmys relationship with the girl, just seeing them together happy will help the audience care more for Jimmy once they find out why Thomas has killed her. The location I have chosen does not have any windows, but I see what you mean by them both knowing that they can not be killed and if Thomas does kill Jimmy he has to go and find him again. I could switch it around that Jimmy shoot him self with Thomas gun, just some think that I will have to work out.
 
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