"Let us know your thoughts. "
Started off with a good concept. Good imagery...
Except you made it seem like we were seeing police photographer angles (with the camera sounds), but it was not shot that way. That was a bit awkward.
Then, you used a cheap voice over in order to carry a significant portion of the story. That should go, and be shot as a dramatic scene or two. Blatant exposition comes off as soap opera, not tense thriller.
Next, the conversation in the parking garage is blatantly manipulated and not real. They just found a dead girl in the same park. Her friend would NOT say that in real life. It's forced past the breaking point.
Then they sit there smoking weed in a convertible in a dark parking garage, for way too long. They are completely vulnerable and exposed. Not right for the character or the story.
All these missteps add up.
The club scene starts off pretty good ... until she leaves her drink watched over by strange bartender?
Is this a character who just huddled up in an apartment for a long time, or some carefree actress used to the LA club scene? These decisions seem off.
The switchblade guy was obviously a baddie and his acting could have used some work. That scene could have worked with more attention to building it up over a longer period, perhaps 2 or 3 scenes with him instead of: hi, can I have your number, stab stab stab.
"Oh yeah. One of you is coming home with me."
Really? Just... really? The friend character is ridiculous.
The cabbie scene -- perhaps a way of distinguishing fantasy from reality? When the fantasy and the reality look exactly the same, it could be a turn off when things are completely unrealistic. Not sure how to improve that scene at this point. And then what happens next -- it cuts away after she's left on the street by herself. With her condition this would be a real issue, not a place to cut away.
I think that some of the payoffs aren't set up adequately. Things happen without going through the gradations and steps to get the characters there.
The ending is a little ironic, but did anyone care that she got killed? I can't see any emotional investment with either of them. The blonde could have garnered some sympathy by showing her going through the mourning, and her psychological breakdown. And then coming out of her shell over time.
The brunette -- could have been a more well meaning human being and less of a plot device / slut.
