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Editing out unnecessary words

A

andrewdj

I've started writing a script and I usually find my dialogue tends to include filler words that are realistic in terms of real world voices, but are later highlighted by my editor. Which do you prefer, and why?

One example:

Code: 
FADE IN:

INT. JONES BUTCHER SHOP - DAY

A BELL rings as a lady enters, alerting MICKY, a butcher's 
assistant of around 19 years old, to her presence.

		MICKY
	Ah, afternoon Ruby. And might I 
	say you're looking beautiful as 
	ever.

		RUBY
	Careful me dad doesn't catch you
	saying that, Micky, he'll have you
	strung up like one of those pigs.
	
		MICKY
	Won't happen, I can run faster than
	he can.
		
		RUBY
	Maybe so, but if you run away then 
	I won't see you again, will I?

		MICKY
	Well you could always run away with 
	me?
		
		RUBY
	I -

WILLIAM JONES, 35 years old, the master butcher pokes his
head out from the back room. Ruby and Micky go quiet.
William's face suggests he's not happy they're talking.

		WILLIAM
	Ah, Ruby, you're here. Quickly, come in.
		(To Micky)
	The counter needs cleaning, Michael.

William disappears into the other room and Ruby moves to follow.
	
		MICKY
	Uh, Ruby...Olivia is back there.  You know, 
	just thought I should warn you.

Ruby pauses for a moment composing herself before 
continuing.
	
							CUT TO:

INT. BACK ROOM - DAY

Whereas after the editor has looked at it, he cuts out loads of the filler, which to me makes it feel more un-natural.

Code: 
FADE IN:

INT. JONES BUTCHER SHOP - DAY

A BELL rings as a lady enters, alerting MICKY, a butcher's 
assistant of around 19 years old, to her presence.

		MICKY
	Afternoon Ruby. And might I 
	say you're looking beautiful as 
	ever.

		RUBY
	Careful me dad doesn't catch you
	saying that, Micky, he'll have you
	strung up like one of those pigs.
	
		MICKY
	I can run faster than he can.
		
		RUBY
	If you run away then I won't see 
	you again.

		MICKY
	You could always run away with me?
		
		RUBY
	I -

WILLIAM JONES, 35 years old, the master butcher pokes his
head out from the back room. Ruby and Micky go quiet.
William's face suggests he's not happy they're talking.

		WILLIAM
	Ruby, you're here.
		(To Micky)
	The counter needs cleaning, Michael.

William disappears into the other room and Ruby moves to follow.
	
		MICKY
	Olivia is back there.

Ruby pauses for a moment composing herself before 
continuing.
	
							CUT TO:

INT. BACK ROOM - DAY
 
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I think I would have whacked it up more than your editor did. If you were in a room with three other people you knew, would you address each person by their name... Or just look at the person you are talking to and start talking? I know you want to help out the reader with the names.. But that ain't how it works in real life. You have to do it visually.

Most people don't have a lot to say to each other. Life is short and sweet. We get to the point and move on.


-Birdman
 
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I think you need a balanced approach. Dialogue IS hard. What I would distinguish between is not filler words, but FILLER SENTENCES.
Code: 
               NASH
     Hey, Lucy.  Wassup?

               LUCY
     Not much.  Finished work.  How
     about you?

               NASH
      Same old.  You hear about -

               LUCY
      Susan?  Yeah.

               NASH
      Yeah.  Real shame.  Good kid.
In this exchange nothing substantial was really said which wastes time and space. While it may sound like a real life exchange it needs to be edited down for the screen. Sometimes that means shifting dialogue to other characters to achieve a balance as long as they have the same tone.
Code: 
               NASH
     Hey, Lucy.  Wassup?

               LUCY
     Not much.  Finished work.  You
     hear about -

               NASH
     Susan?  Real shame.  Good kid.

I like the tone of your first piece. The word choice gives a nice feel for the characters. As an actor, I can see myself delivering those lines with a gentle flirting. In this case, I don't agree with the suggested changes as they change the flavor of the delivery.

"Won't happen, I can run faster than he can." vs. "I can run faster than he can."
"Maybe so, but if you run away then I won't see you again, will I?" vs.
"If you run away then I won't see you again."

There is a difference between redundant, unnecessary content and colorful language. Having said that, I think they could be edited in a way that preserves the intent and feel.
Code: 
		MICKY
	Afternoon Ruby.  And might I 
	say you're looking beautiful as 
	ever.

		RUBY
	Careful me dad doesn't catch you
	saying that, Micky.  He'll have you
	strung up like one of those pigs.
	
		MICKY
	Won't happen, I can run faster.
		
		RUBY
	Maybe so, but I wouldn't see
                you again, would I?

		MICKY
	You could run away with me.
		
		RUBY
	I -
The changes are slight but intentional. It might help if I explained my reasoning. Some words, like "Ah", "well", etc. come across as stutters. If that's the characters speech pattern, it's fine. Here, he comes across as a confident lad, so he can just start right in.

Really, since Ruby has already mentioned her dad, we know the context of whom Micky has to outrun. It's implied and known by the audience that if he runs, he won't likely be allowed back. The additional words about running away doesn't convey anything that isn't already known. And it's just a word choice issue. "Won't" implies a certainty where, as a flirt, I suspect she'd say more teasingly "Wouldn't". As the writer, though, I would respect your word choice.

Dialogue needs to be sharp and concise but it also has to be the unique voice of the characters. The big challenge with dialogue is to avoid redundant exchanges like I showed initially. You want to avoid repeating or making obvious what the audience already knows or would reasonably understand. Again, as an actor, I try to imagine myself delivering the lines. I like the tone and voice you gave them. I don't think your initial dialogue was particularly awkward but could be cleaned up a little. I respect that every editor has their own opinion. Looks good so far. Good luck.
 
Last edited:
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I'd agree with FSF. The edited version is too sterile, and the only thing I'd cut from the dialogue would be the "ah"s, "um"s etc, mainly because there's no point writing all those down. A good actor should know where they go anyway. And, like Birdman says, maybe cut out one of the mentiona of Ruby's name to make it seem less like it's screaming "establishing character names!"
 
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Thanks for the comments. I'm glad I'm not the only one who felt the second was too sterile. That sums it up perfectly, but have taken the comments on board. Everything that has been said makes perfect sense, and I can see how it can be edited without losing some of the context/feeling, so will make changes based on your feedback.

Thanks again.
 
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I, too, agree with FSF. You do not want to be too sterile with
dialogue. The way a character speaks says a lot about that
person. Many newer writers tend to make all characters sound
the same. Using "blubber words" (a term I have never heard
until now) can distinguish characters.
 
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Also, I'll just add that the flavor of the dialogue in this particular scene helps indicate that this is a period piece. Now, if this is not a period piece, I'm going to say that you have a disconnect and you should consider trimming the flourishes a bit.

With the way the characters are speaking, I'm imagining the whole scene and their speech is helping fill in a time period, even though you haven't mentioned one, yet.

However, as I said, if you were to tell me that this is a contemporary piece, I would be confused. What 18 year olds, anywhere, talk like this today?
 
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Indeed. I edited this excerpt that explains where and and when they are, as the question was more about trimming the dialogue. It's actually set around Liverpool, I'm aiming for 1910, ish, perhaps a few years earlier.

Micky would be the only one speaking with a 100% natural Toxteth born accent though. The other two have moved a little bit, both in terms of physical location and their social status.
 
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andrewdj said:
Indeed. I edited this excerpt that explains where and and when they are, as the question was more about trimming the dialogue. It's actually set around Liverpool, I'm aiming for 1910, ish, perhaps a few years earlier.

Micky would be the only one speaking with a 100% natural Toxteth born accent though. The other two have moved a little bit, both in terms of physical location and their social status.
Click to expand...

That's great. My imagination was placing it right around that time period!
 
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I agree with the parrot known as Birdman.

Dialogue is one of the most important aspects of scriptwriting, but you have to make it natural (unless you have weird characters, or a world where people speak weird or something)


Your dialogue is good for a novel, or a play, but as a film, you need to make it more natural. Try saying these lines with your friends and seeing how they feel.
 
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ChimpPhobiaFilms said:
No, it's just that creating sets and wardrobe for a past era or decade is much more difficult than it seems. Even the 80's or 90's.
Click to expand...

Sadly the story can't be set at any other time really, given the subject matter. I'm writing it specifically as a TV drama, shooting for the moon and all that. If I manage to pull it off, it'll probably be a transatlantic co-production...

even if I miss, hopefully I'll land in the stars... :)
 
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andrewdj said:
Sadly the story can't be set at any other time really, given the subject matter. I'm writing it specifically as a TV drama, shooting for the moon and all that. If I manage to pull it off, it'll probably be a transatlantic co-production...

even if I miss, hopefully I'll land in the stars... :)
Click to expand...

I'm writing a TV drama set in that era Liverpool too... :hmm:
 
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There is nothing wrong with writing a period piece. The point of writing is to be creative. The BBC has a strong affection for period drama. "Ripper Street" and "Downton Abbey" come to mind. Even in the US, "Mad Men" and a new show in development "Manhatten Project" are episodic period pieces. Just because the show doesn't sell to the bubblegum crowd doesn't mean it cannot be sold. Like Ahennessy, when I first read the dialogue, I immediately envisioned a butcher shop in the early 1900s. I think the tone of the dialogue is appropriate.

You may want to visit the Writer's Guild of Great Britain (http://www.writersguild.org.uk/) website as well as the BBC's resources for writers(http://www.bbc.co.uk/writersroom/).
 
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I absolutely hated "The Great Gatsby". Same for "Gangs of New York"... but both were excellent period pieces. I'm obviously a SciFi guy, but seeing a street full of vintage automobiles from a distant time rivals the best of the SciFi special effects I have seen.

-Birdman

P.S. Ironically they both starred Leonardo DiCaprio
 
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FantasySciFi said:
The BBC has a strong affection for period drama. "Ripper Street" and "Downton Abbey" come to mind.
Click to expand...

The BBC's affection for period drama is what I'm counting on! The recent show about the origins of the First World War (37 Days) is well worth watching too. But Ripper Street was cancelled by the BBC for failing to match ratings with an odious reality show, and Downton Abbey is nothing to do with the BBC :)
 
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