• Wondering which camera, gear, computer, or software to buy? Ask in our Gear Guide.

Debut short-film screen-play feebdack required

Sort by date Sort by votes
First thoughts:

(1) That is not proper screenplay format.

(2) Two spaces after periods/punctuation.

(3) WAY too much prose. I'm working on my first screenplay for a full-length film. At one point I had 350 pages in my script! What I suggest you do is strip out 50% of everything you just wrote. After that, strip out 20% of whatever you have left. From that, strip out another 10%. Give it a good reading after that, and then strip out another 5% ...and you'll have a screenplay.

It is not necessary to point out that a character, "wipes hair from his eyes with a wristband".


Here's an example:

"CHARLIE looks as if he's been slapped. He lifts a ham sandwich form a box and bites slowly. They sit in silence chewing. Michael looks at him, remembering he once was so petulant; he smiles. In the distance, a dog barks."

(1) A screenplay is "visual" you cannot "see" that someone is thinking of someone's past petulance. We cannot see inside an actor's mind.

(2) That entire paragraph could have been written as:

"Charlie and Michael eat silently . A dog barking."


...I'm guessing you read a lot of novels?

-Birdman
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
As Birdman mentioned the formatting is off and there is too much description. The paragraphs should more suggestive of visual shots. Again, telling the reader what is going on inside the actor's head is irrelevant in a script. Scripts are only focused on what is seen and heard. Below is how your first page might appear in a refined script format.
Code: 
EXT.  BEACH - MORNING

The sky is grey as it drizzles. Sand dunes fall away to
an Atlantic beach. A stiff breeze bends and ripples the
long grass on the horizon. Waves roll towards the shore.

MICHAEL (late 20s), athletic, runs along the shoreline in a
sleeveless vest and shorts as he listens to his iPod.

In the distance, ALICE (early 50s), attractive, wears a heavy 
coat and wellington boots. Nearby, her dog, a red setter, 
retrieves a tennis ball from the ocean.

She pauses to stroke the dog and re-cast the ball.

When they are close, Alice and Michael's eyes meet
momentarily.   Alice smiles then glances away.

Michael runs past her with a determined, unwavering pace.

Alice turns back to watch Michael run along the shore.  The
smile fades.

The red setter returns to Alice’s side, jumps up
affectionately and delivers the retrieved tennis  ball.

                     ALICE
       Good boy. Good boy!

She turns and throws the tennis ball in Michael's direction.  
The red setter scampers off in pursuit. 

She wipes her eyes and gazes to the clouds.
It's pretty predictable. The other piece is the pacing is very slow. While I understand you want to show a transition in Michael as a father, the change comes across as abrupt. Also, to truly appreciate the intro, you need to include some age references. It feels like it drags to get to an expected ending. It's less about discarding content as much as removing a lot of non-visual language. Suggest the emotion but allow the actor to realize it. The use of the dog to introduce them is good but felt a bit artificial the way you handled it. Overall, the format needs work. The structure/pacing needs work. The story needs some work. Good luck.
 
Upvote 0 Downvote
You already have great advice from Birdman and FantasySciFi (good job with your more professional-like first page).

I just read the first page because I have little time and the verbose descriptions were just that, far too verbose for a screenplay.

But this is a Short so it's likely to be shot by the OP (?) so really the format and normal screenplay pro standards do not strictly have to be followed... But it's best if the OP does. Why? Because when you hand the Short to talent, you want them to realize the OP has a good grasp of pro screenwriting techniques.

So my comments on the first page:

Write tightly not verbosely
For more, see:

Keep Descriptions Brief and Tight
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/keep-descriptions-brief-and-tight.php

Screenwriting is Not Novel Writing
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/screenwriting-is-not-novel-writing.php

Use active voice, not passive voice
For how, see:

Stay in Present Tense and Active Voice
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/stay-in-present-tense-and-active-voice.php

Use proper screenwriting format
For format guides and more read:

Screenwriting format guides
http://reelauthors.com/script-analysis-coverage/watch-your-formatting.php

E.g. your scene headings and dialogue are not in the proper format.

Character names
Only capitalize these when the character is first introduced and in dialogue. You capitalize in every description/action block - that's wrong.

Tennis-ball
It's minor but I'd use the correct form: tennis ball.

You write well
I could tell (by even reading one page) that you have a flare for writing. Just remember that screenwriting is not novel writing - it's very different. But having a flare for writing is a great foundation for screenwriting well.

Good luck with your Short! :)
 
Last edited:
Upvote 0 Downvote
You must log in or register to reply here.
Back
Top