Alien Attack- short script

[sebru]

Hello,

This is a short I wrote a couple of weeks ago. We are planning to shoot it in August, and my friend is working on the make- up of the main character and the alien design.

I would really appreciate your comments.

Let me know as well if you have any ideas on the entire production. Cheers.

https://docs.google.com/fileview?id...GQtOWYwNi00NWJiLThjNWEtMjM2ZmM5YWVjNGM3&hl=en

 

[sebru]

i meant suggestions, not ideas

 

[sebru]

let me know guys if you're experiencing problems opening the document.

 

[L.I.F.E.]

Sorry man, that doc doesn't work either, and I have a google account.

 

[sebru]

i have changed the settings and made it public, it should work now....

cheers

 

[sebru]

srr about all these problems .... and thanks for bearing with me

 

[L.I.F.E.]

Haha I understand, try doing it again and making sure its public. I promise I'll read it and give my 2 cents (although I'm not as skilled a writer as most here, I'm a skilled reader =) ).

 

[sebru]

thanks LIFE. it's working now

 

[L.I.F.E.]

Ok it works, I'm going to leave it up on my browser and read it in the morning.

 

[Buddy Greenfield]

It’s pretty cool. I don’t know how you plan to film it or what kind of access you have, but I might rewrite the train scene to a location that is easier to shoot in.

-Thanks-

 

[Adeimantus]

Hi, sebru

Good setup and follow-through with plot, imo. Robert is well-defined and three-dimensional.

As for production, it's heavy on FX for such a short script. Big $$ to produce?

Robert's plight with his face reminds me a lot of "Two Face" Harvey Dent, the D.A. from Dark Knight. : )

Thanks for the read, and best of luck with it!

-Charles

 

[Ccolebrook]

A small thing I noticed:
"--the hinges of the object produces the most incredible and terrifying noses."
Multiple subjects, such as hinges, would produce a sound, not produces a sound.
And I'm assuming you mean noises, not noses.

Page 6:
"The two brother stand and look at the site of the crash."

After getting to the end, I don't really understand what the opening was for. What was with the letter? What about putting on the tie then running back up, taking it off, and then back down through the door. What about the scene in the IRS office. You've written it well, but when taken with the rest of the story, I don't see how it adds much. He just finishes his day of work, gets on the train, and aliens attack brussels.

What I'm trying to say is that the main character's day, which covers the first half, and the alien attack, which covers the second half, don't seem to have anything stringing them together. A common theme, or a goal for Robert to fight the aliens for.

 

[Adeimantus]

On second thought, Ccolebrook has a good point (as he always does).

Yes, Robert has suffered through his life with a disfigurement which, it turns out, saves his life at the end. But what does it have to do with the aliens? What I'm getting at (and I think Ccolebrook is getting at) is that the aliens couldn't care less about what he looks like. So when he defeats them, it's like defeating a tornado, which is a purely objective and uncaring antagonist.

It's not as satisfying as it could be, unless you can link what he's suffered through his life (and why) to his ultimate victory. Good conflict-building begins early, not half-way through. Aliens are NOT the bad guys Robert deals with in the first half of the script, he deals with prejudice and stereotyping.

How to fix that? I don't know. Unless maybe the Aliens have been there for some time as the story starts, and Robert is part of the resistance, and it was the ALIENS that caused the disfigurement?

Just a shot in the dark. I'm not saying this isn't good, just that it could be a lot better...

best,

-Charles

 

[L.I.F.E.]

The alien shoots him with a bullet, not a laser? AND it has a machine gun turret? You started with lasers and ended with bullets. You have a decent premise, just for a short it sounds like a huge CGI budget to make it look good. Also I'm with them, other then giving the brothers tension, what else does the face disfigurement add to the story?

 

[sebru]

Hi guys, thank you all for your comments, and thanks ccolebrook for pointing out those typos.

To explain the two different acts: I believe I'm still working on marketing my script The title is not the best, as my story is not about aliens but about events in someone's life that corelates with the past. The story is about Robert, and the aliens are 'the tornado' like Charles says that interferes and reunites two brothers. An accident in his childhood, left Robert now alone (no wife, no children around) forced to live in a shell in his own world afraid of his dreams. The IRS explains that, I woud hope.

Then he receives the letter from his brother, whom he hasn't seen in years, presumbly soon after the accident, who invites him to go and see his nephiew for the first time. And then the aliens appear.

If you have suggestions for a title, or any other ideas, let me know.

Life, you have a point there with the bullets. I want the aliens to fire with bullets. I'm still working on that.

Thank you guys.

 

[Fernando Smallhands]

I like your idea, but can i ask what your budget is?

If your budget is small or nothing, you seriously need to reign this in because you are not going to be able to make the film you have here for very little money.

The last quarter of the film would require some serious CGI/model work. Some could be done cleverly but from the images you created it looks like a much larger production than perhaps you realise.

Saying that, the idea was good, needs some tightening up as a script though, as mentioned previously the letter doesnt really have any relevance etc

I have to admit I am not a big fan of camera directions in a script, it takes the reader out of the story and is there purely for your own use (I am assuming you are director). I also think there was some pure lazy writing in there i.e. some aspects where people speak were written into the scene descriptors.