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3Mins Short Film Screenplay WIP (Comedy, Thriller)

T

trippinzap

Guys I'm supposed to present this short film script to a client in the next 4days, it's supposed to be funny and thrilling.
Give me your hardest thoughts, inputs and critics on it, cos' this short film means a lot to me
Thank You

Code: 
EXT. STORE HOUSE
A vehicle pulls up from the corner of a street, the doors open up
and the baddest looking bodyguards and henchmen come out
and open the door for the Don Capoe 
Everybody screams and runs away at the presence of the Don Capoe
He tries to maintain a mean and scary face.

INT. STORE
The Don Capoe, his bodyguards, henchmen and Translator 
walk through a passage and head to where a captured 
deaf man is handcuffed and fastened to a chair, the man is
receiving some blows from one of the henchmen when 
Don Capoe steps in and takes a seat WHILE staring at 
the deaf man who stole his Two Million Dollars.
The Don Capoe’s phone rings.
The Don Capoe answers his phone.

[CENTER]DON CAPOE
Hello honey, I’ve told you not to call me when I’m at the office[/CENTER]

The henchman throws a loud blow that distracts the phone call

[CENTER]DON CAPOE’S WIFE
[OVER PHONE] What’s that honey?[/CENTER]

The Don Capoe nervously answers

[CENTER]DON CAPOE
The President just walked in, I’ll call you later honey. I love you[/CENTER]

Everybody pauses when they hear the Don Capoe say “I Love You” 
The Don Capoe walks over to the deaf man

[CENTER]DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
Where is my money?[/CENTER]

The Translator translates to the deaf man

[CENTER]TRANSLATOR
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Where is the money

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] I don't know

DON CAPOE
So you feel it’s because you’re deaf, that’s why
you can steal my Two Million Dollars. Deck this guy![/CENTER]

The henchman slams another punch on the deaf guys face

[CENTER]DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
I said where is my money?

TRANSLATOR
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Where is the money

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] I don’t know, please I’m innocent

TRANSLATOR
He said he is innocent

DON CAPOE
Nobody steals my money and gets away with it, nobody[/CENTER]

The Don Capoe snaps his fingers signaling the henchman to continue punching the deaf guy

[CENTER]DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Please stop beating me, the money is
in the brief case behind the cupboard[/CENTER]

The Translator thinks before speaking

[CENTER]TRANSLATOR
[THOUGHTS] Two Million Dollars

TRANSLATOR (CONT’D)
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Are you sure?

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Yes

TRANSLATOR
He said you are crazy bastard and the biggest fool he has ever met.
He says your mum and dad are all crazy and that you don’t have the balls to shoot him.
He said he dares you to go ahead and shoot him.

DON CAPOE
He said all that?[/CENTER]

The Translator nods.

[CENTER]DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
Guys, collect the briefcase from behind the cupboard (commanding the bodyguards)[/CENTER]

The bodyguards check behind the cupboard and they find the briefcase with the
 Two Million Dollars.

[CENTER]DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
Guys, reshape this translators face, so his parents don’t recognize him[/CENTER]

The Translator feels confused

[CENTER]DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
I know sign language fool[/CENTER]

The Don Capoe and some henchmen and the bodyguards exit the room 
with the Two Million Dollars in the briefcase, some henchmen remain.
Loud punches and screams are heard from outside the door.
[RIGHT]END[/RIGHT]
 
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I think it needs a bit of work mate. The opening two paragraphs could be shortened quite a bit and made more direct and simplistic. I also don't really see what the point of the wife calling the Don is, it feel's a bit like 'filler'. If you'd like it to be a joke, maybe tie in his knowledge of sign language to the wife or something? Also the President line could be replaced with something more original and entertaining I think. For the line the translator says near the end that gets him in trouble, you need to write it more like it would be spoken (ie. "you're" rather than "you are").
 
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just some quick notes:

- on the opening paragraph you say that the deaf man has stole two million dollars, but how do we know that? the don doesnt say anything about money until later in the story.

- how are you going to show the translators thoughts visually?

- if the deaf man is handcuffed and fastened to a chair how is in signing?
 
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there isn't any humour...maybe do something like

DON CAPOE
I'll call you later, im at work

WIFE (VOICE OVER)
Say it

DON CAPOE
No

WIFE (VOICE OVER)
I want you to say it. Don't make me come find you

DON CAPOE (quietly)
I love you

WIFE (VOICE OVER)
I cant hear you

DON CAPOE (quietly)
I love you

WIFE (VOICE OVER)
Louder

DON CAPOE (shouts)
I fucking love you

The bodyguards struggle to keep a straight face. Deaf man does sign language which looks like he's making fun of the Don being 'Soppy'. Don looks embrassed
 
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Trip,

I think you have good comedic instincts.

Feedback:

- There needs to be an escalation for the deaf man when he denies the Don his money. i.e maybe he tries to cut his eyes out so that he's both deaf and blind, or maybe since its a comedy go for something thats silly.

- The ending did not have any true consequence to me. I would advise changing the ending. Are you implying that the translator had a hidden agenda? the surprise is non consequential.

- I would also try to express why the deaf man stole the money so we can empathize with him more. Perhaps he has a very sympathetic reason we can identify with.

Hope this helps
 
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Hello Trippin. Those characters are gold. I love this kind of humor. What you've done is good enough to become darn thrilling and funny, in the hands of a good director. It seems twice too long at the moment, but just take it easy. If the director doesn't know how to work the flaws out, he'd screw up pretty much anything anybody would write.
 
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oKaY 2 more days guys!, thanks for ALL your comments. i now have a second amendment of the script below

@ Sulaco: The main reason the wife is there is to reveal the nervous soft side of the Don Capoe, he is a responsible family man despite his irresponsible job. I've made the intro more direct, and also the president line, I agree it was quite plain, thanks for noticing that. @ derek smith's CONVO of the wife's call is much more interesting SO i've chipped it in

@ CHUD: your Two Million Dollar observation made me realize that i also introduced the deaf man as "deaf" which is wrong because we only find out he is deaf later in the story so i have placed the Two Million Dollars and the deaf man in their right place and dealt with the handcuff epidemic

@ Derek Smith: Thank you soooo much. That is the perfect CONVO

@ AnthonyC.G: I agree the ending really has no true consequence, if I think of something more then I'll fuse it in. delving more into the deaf man's motive will only bring more cans of pity, his disability is emphatic enough and the story is supposed to be funny and thrilling not too sad
Thanks for your flattery

@ FantasySciFi: if you want to critic my work i don't expect a sloppy one liner, give it all you got. Thanks i used the little i could get from you to improve the script, i just wished there was more. {sad face}

@Filman the script is longer so more will be shot which in turn gives the editor more choice over footage to work with . Thanks for your flattery and observations they've been used in the script

@ maz COPY CAT!

Code: 
EXT. STORE HOUSE
A vehicle pulls up from the corner of a street
The doors open up and the baddest looking henchmen come out
One of them opens the door for the Don Capoe 
Loud screams are heard as people flee from the presence of the Don Capoe
He tries to maintain a mean and scary face

INT. STORE
The Don Capoe, his henchmen and a Translator walk through 
a passage to where a man is blindfolded and handcuffed to a chair
He is receiving blows from a masked man WITH a psychotic behavior
The Don Capoe steps in and takes a seat WHILE staring at the man

DON CAPOE
Remove that thing from his face

One of the henchmen take off the blindfold
The deaf man upon seeing the Don Capoe instantaneously gets super nervous
The Don Capoe GETS UP and walks scaringly

DON CAPOE
Uncuff this bastard

One of the henchmen removes the handcuff

DON CAPOE
Where is my Two Million Dollars you stole from me?

The Translator translates to the deaf man

TRANSLATOR
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Where is the money?

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] I don't know

TRANSLATOR
He said he doesn't know?

The Don Capoe’s phone rings and it catches everybody's attention

DON CAPOE
Please continue let me answer my call

The masked psycho is happy and prepares to start punching
The Don Capoe answers his phone

DON CAPOE
Honey, I’m in the middle of a meeting

The psycho throws a loud blow that distracts the phone call

WIFE
[OVER PHONE] What’s that honey?

The Don Capoe nervously answers

DON CAPOE
I’ll call you later, I'm at work

WIFE
[OVER PHONE] Just like that? Okay say it

DON CAPOE
No

WIFE {sternly}
[OVER PHONE] I want you to say it. Don't make me come find you?

DON CAPOE {quietly}
I love you

WIFE
[OVER PHONE] I can't hear you

DON CAPOE {quietly}
I.... love you

WIFE
[OVER PHONE] Louder!

DON CAPOE {shouts}
I love you

Everything stands still when the Don Capoe says “I Love You” 
The Don looks embarrassed
DON CAPOE {shouts}
What?

The masked psychos hand was suspended in the air from the Don's profession
of love
Delightedly, he returns the calamity to the air by blasting the deaf man with a blow
The Don Capoe walks over to the deaf man

DON CAPOE
So you feel you’re deaf, that’s why
you can steal my Two Million Dollars. Deck this guy!

The masked psycho slams another punch on the deaf guys face with joy

DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
I'm going to cut out your eyes today
You will be deaf and blind
I said, where is my money?

TRANSLATOR
[SIGN LANGUAGE] He's going to cut your eyes. Where is the money

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] I don’t know, please I’m innocent

TRANSLATOR
He said he's innocent

DON CAPOE
Nobody steals my money and gets away with it, nobody

The Don Capoe snaps his fingers signaling the masked psycho
to continue punching the deaf man

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Please stop beating me, the money is
in the briefcase behind the cupboard

The Translator thinks before speaking

TRANSLATOR
[THOUGHTS] Two Million Dollars

TRANSLATOR (CONT’D)
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Are you sure?

DEAF MAN
[SIGN LANGUAGE] Yes

TRANSLATOR
The Don Capoe,
he said that....

DON CAPOE
Yes, go ahead

TRANSLATOR
He said that..
he's never met a fool bigger than you
and your mum and dad are all crazy 
and that you don’t have the balls to shoot him....
He said.....
 He dares you to go ahead and shoot him

DON CAPOE
He said all that?

The Translator nods.

DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
Guys, collect the briefcase from behind the cupboard (commanding the henchmen)

The henchmen check behind the cupboard and they find the briefcase with the
Two Million Dollars.

DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
Guys, reshape this translators face, so his parents don’t recognize him

The Translator feels confused

DON CAPOE (CONT’D)
I know a little sign language. Fool

The Don Capoe and some henchmen exit with the Two Million Dollars in the briefcase
Some henchmen remain.
Loud punches and screams are heard from outside the door.
END
 
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There's nothing to say. It's not entertaining. It is a tired cliche of a guy strapped to a chair being beaten up. It's predictable. None of the characters are interesting or ones which the audience wants to sympathize with. You chose 'deaf' others have chosen another language. It's more of a scene than a story. A story has some moral. The protagonist tends to have some epiphany. As a short it's tired and worn--the kind that every new filmmaker seems to shoot because it involves violence and torture and uses leftover Halloween blood. There are some teen/college film student memes that keep appearing:

1. The emo kid who can't get along with his/her abusive parent and commits suicide
2. The secret agent tied to a chair being beaten/pistol whipped/tortured by a mafia/KGB boss for information
3. The slasher/stalker who kidnaps the girl/boy after killing his/her friends and then turns out to be their intimate partner.
4. Things are going well or poorly and then the person wakes up.
5. The world is post-apocalyptic and the hero(s) are running from zombie/govt/etc. They get away except ... duh duh duh ... one was bitten in the band of survivors.
6. [more recently] The lover who turns out to be a vampire/werewolf/undead whatever and kills the hero(ine).

These scripts also tend to be scenes and not stories. These script memes never get any better the 106th time they're read. So I apologize if my critique was short. I've seen this scene before so many times, it's predictable. Your script lacks development of plot or characters. The dialogue is blah and on-the-nose. I thought the humor was lame.

There is no way to improve it in my opinion, which I know is of no value to you. My advice is to develop a story that doesn't use one of the scenarios in the above list. However, if it's just for you and your friends wanting to shoot a movie, go for it. It's fine just as it is now that he's uncuffed.
 
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Hey Guys, pls send in more of your input & critic on this script., it will be very helpful.
The script will be submitted tomorrow & hope they like it cos' I like it.
Thank You

@FantasySciFi: Okay now the man is uncuffed, you agree its a great script LOL,
& your criticism is 100% correct. thanks i found it very revealing
 
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