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RIFLEMAN - Short Script - Help please!

JakeSully

JakeSully

Well, I'll be having three weeks off soon, and since a friend of mine that's also into filmmaking will be around, I thought about shooting something.
I came up with this, and I think that, while it's no masterpiece, might be interesting to shoot.
Anyhow, I'd like critiques and the like.
Take into account that English is not my mother language. I'd like cirtique on my writing skill too, but, if possible, focus on content, not on it's expression! :D

Rifleman

EDIT:

NEW VERSION: RIFLEMAN
 
Last edited:
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Overall, I think it is well written. My only suggestion is that pack lots of actions into your paragraphs that really need to be split out.

Code: 
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE, CEREAL’S ISLE - DAY

He leaves the milk in the floor, and grabs two cereal boxes.
One, like the one he emptied at breakfast. The other,
chocolate flakes. He knows he is getting the traditional
one, and still, he also grabs Choco-O’s every time. As he
contemplates his pseudo-decision a high pitched scream is
heard. TWO MEN IN SKY MASKS, JEANS AND SWEATSHIRTS WALK IN.
One of them holds a MACHETE, the other one A HANDGUN which
he keeps aimed towards the girl at the cash register. George
runs towards the end of the isle and gets down on the floor,
grabing his legs, almost crying.

If you break it out into the shots, I think it will give you a better senses of the actual timing of the screenplay. I think you'll find the six pages will be closer to 9 pages. This will translate to 8-10 minutes.

So taking the above scene:
Code: 
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE, CEREAL’S ISLE - DAY

He leaves the milk in the floor, and grabs two cereal boxes.
One, like the one he emptied at breakfast. The other,
chocolate flakes.  

As he decides between the two ...

... a high pitched scream comes from the front

TWO MEN IN SKY MASKS, JEANS AND SWEATSHIRTS WALK IN.

One of them holds a MACHETE, the other one A HANDGUN 

aimed towards the girl at the cash register. 

George runs to the end of the isle and gets down on the floor,
grabbing his legs, almost crying.

You don't write what the audience can't see. "He knows he is getting the traditional
one, and still, he also grabs Choco-O’s every time." That's information that informs the character but isn't observable. The lines also suggest the shots.

I'd suggest expanding out your other paragraphs. This will help you get a sense of time and start planning your shots. I think you tell a direct story. I think it is good.
 
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This is pretty good. Definitely worth shooting. I’d also say that the writing is pretty nice, especially if you’re only planning to shoot this yourself. A few points though:


The first scene should really be split up a bit more. George moves from the kitchen, to the bedroom, to the street, to the park… If I were you, I’d split these up with their own scene headings.


“He sees this and starts walking towards the mess”

Who is he?


“The robber yells, and using this precious time, George grabs the machete.”

You shouldn’t describe things in this way, “precious time” is meaningless. That time isn’t precious to me, only to you character. It would be better written simply: “The robber yells. George grabs the machete.”


“We dolly along George as he walks, crouched, towards the
cash register, out of sight. The ROBBER looks around, he
knows somehting happened, and he sees his dead partner.

GEORGE
My rifle and myself know that what
counts in this war is not the
rounds we fire, the noise of our
burst, nor the smoke we make.

As soon as the isle is over, he throws the machete,
producing a deep cut in the robbers leg who falls backward.
He quickly stands and, limping, looks around frantically.”

This reads as being quite confusing. I get it, but it doesn’t quite make sense. In the line of action before the dialogue, we’re focused on the robber. Then George gets his line. At this point in time, I’m not picturing George, so I can’t see him saying these words. It would help to add a line of action, stating something about George. Just switching the two lines, so we see the robber first, then George, would help. After the dialogue, we have this “he” again. This is confusing as we’re picturing the robber, but George has the dialogue. We don’t know who he is. In context, we know the robber gets the cut, so it must’ve been George who threw the machete. Get rid of these “he’s”, give us the persons name (unless of course, we’re already focused on that character).


As Fantasy has pointed out, if you break up the actions, so they’re more representative of the shots you intend to get, everything will be a lot less confusing, and will fall into place much neater.


Well done. You’re English really isn’t that bad, by the way!
 
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Thank you both! Great advice. I'll work on it today.
Yeah, the continuous "he"s are confusing, but, even though scriptwriting is different from writing prose, I didn't want to abuse the name-using.
About what FantasySciFi wrote: Yeah, the part about Choco-O's wasn't going to be used, but since I want the character to appear "damaged" I need the actor to understand this. Still I miht cut it out now.
 
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You're shooting this picture, so it's not important to get all the issues worked out. I think it looks good. If you wanted, the paragraphs on page 1 and 2 could be split out a bit. However, nothing worthy of a rewrite.

On p.6 you have George shoot the Robber in the cereal aisle. But then he slides down the counter as the cashier sobs. Did you shift his location to the cashier's counter? Is he in the front of the cereal aisle by the cashier or in the back by the milk? You might want to have him slide down the door to the fridge if he's in the back. It's not a major point, but it confused me as I pictured the shooting in the back of the store.

Code: 
INT. CONVENIENCE STORE, CEREAL AISLE - DAY
...
The bullet pierces through the robber’s head.

Blood splatters in all directions, especially on GEORGE.

The robber falls to the floor.

GEORGE lowers himself onto the floor, his back against the
counter.

The GIRL SOBS.
...

There are just a few typos. You also use "slumber" when you meant "lumber". Your English is good. "Slumber" means to sleep. "Lumber" means to walk slowly and heavily (It is also the word for "wood used for construction".) But those are small points.

It's a concise story to shoot as a short. It does its job making us care for George and wonder about him while wrapping it all up in the end. Good job.
 
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Thank you Fantasy!
After George takes care of the first robber, he walks down the isle, towards the front of the store, where the cashier is.
He throws the machete, hurting the second robber and freeing the girl, then he runs and grabs the robber, fighting him, and killing him with his own gun.
 
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Ok, I might be shooting this next weekend. Any last comments that I should take into consideration?
I'd love for someone else to give it a read and provide some feedback!
 
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Along with my general agreement with the other posters, here are some comments:

You might have George react in some way to the end of the missile/explosions montage by cutting himself or something, otherwise we don't know HE was in that battle sequence. There are no shots to connect the two sequences. Maybe some narration over the explosions, that *hints* at the dialogue to come in the store?...

"The milk carton is thrown away." Make this active, "He throws the milk carton in the trash, where it joins many other empties." (now you have a personal "thing" going here, along with a visceral "stale milk smell.)

Page 2: What is George now wearing? Don't 'tell us' who he bumped into after-the-fact, show us how the individuals reacted to the bumps. How is he listening to music, is this a prop (ear buds, boom box?)? Further isolating him... from *what?*

How exactly is the kid dressed with the Kalashnikova? Worn out Army, battle garb? Street clothes? This will give the audience an idea about the time period of the flashback, more so than the rifle type/age. —Is he aiming the weapon at George? I suggest some drama here, a story point-- "holds an…" isn't that interesting.

Why does the park kid frown? This is all George's POV, with no shots of him or his facial expression. So this sequence feels empty. However, it works if there's a surprise coming, but we've seen his normal face before and after. If George is rocking on the ground (but don't show it!), the kid could look down, freak, and haul a$$ out of there.

"He 'leaves' the milk on the floor…" Again, make it active: "He sets the milk on…"

Would a robber walk in with a machete *already out in plain view?* Maybe, I guess. Break this paragraph up. This action is fast-paced, suggest you not bother with all the scene/slug lines. Go from George, to cash register girl, back to George, bing-bing-bing. Do the robbers see George when they come in? The robbers should be more verbally and physically threatening.

You need several (O.S.) starting with GEORGE "This is my rifle…" Unless your intent is out loud.

Seems the robber with the gun would've heard *something* from the machete fight, then his man getting horribly stabbed with it in plain view. If he hears the scuffle, a simple reaction shot and easing down the aisle is enough, I think.

Wouldn't the robber scream after getting it in the leg with a machete? "The robber falls to the floor, as lowers himself,…" Confusing.

My biggest concern with the script is how quickly George goes from buying groceries to autistic rocking on the floor. I know this is a short-short film, but it was a total surprise with no foreshadowing. Maybe some earlier behavior that's foreshadowing (like a reaction from the kid pointing his fingers), but *not* telling us exactly what's coming…

I don't know much about it, but am assuming all this behavior is plausible for someone with autism?

Overall I like the pacing, there's mystery here. If George spoke his lines out loud, it could be pretty Robert Deniro-esque.

Good job, and good luck with the shoot!
 
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Thanks for all the great advice!
I agree, a lot of the "action" is quite passive, I should change that.
Now that you put it like that, there is room to improve on the connection between george and the "dream". The dream is actually a flashback, George's POV from beeing injured, rendered uslesss while his platoon got massacred. I might overlay george's voice somewhere, praying, or shouting.

The kid is dreased in raggy clothers, and just, holds the AK. A child soldier just standing there. The kid frowns, because he espects george to react in SOME way, but he just stands there, with a blank expresion. He walks away to keep playing.

There's no way to hide a machete :lol:

The robber hears the struggle, and he shoots at george, but misses. It's there :D

The man is obviously shouting when he gets stabbed with the machete.

I might have to add flashbacks, maybe even to the "dream". George isn't autistic, he has PTSD, he doesn't want fight anymore, and this current situation drags him into the pool of violence and stress he was trying to crawl out of in the first place

Oh, and the rifleman's creed, I still haven't decided. I might have him say them, or cut to him, holding his rifle, in uniform, reciting it for an officer.
 
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JakeSully said:
The kid is dreased in raggy clothers, and just, holds the AK. A child soldier just standing there. The kid frowns, because he espects george to react in SOME way, but he just stands there, with a blank expresion. He walks away to keep playing.
Click to expand...

Okay, but still think you're asking a lot for the audience to infer.
JakeSully said:
There's no way to hide a machete :lol:

The robber hears the struggle, and he shoots at george, but misses. It's there :D
Click to expand...
I dunno, what if he's really tall??

Eeek! Missed it, my bad.

JakeSully said:
The man is obviously shouting when he gets stabbed with the machete.
Click to expand...
Yes, got that, but that whole sequence read to me a bit too low-key on the emotional scale. No doubt you'll shoot it just fine.

JakeSully said:
I might have to add flashbacks, maybe even to the "dream". George isn't autistic, he has PTSD, he doesn't want fight anymore, and this current situation drags him into the pool of violence and stress he was trying to crawl out of in the first place
Click to expand...
I'd be wary of adding flashbacks, but maybe you could put something in the beginning one? PTSD makes more sense than autistic; My father had PTSD from his year of heavy combat in the Korean War...

Best of luck, please post the film when you get it done!
 
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