Stockholm Santa

Dreadylocks

Dreadylocks

Stockholm Santa
by Sammi Stephans

Stockholm Santa is a black comedy about a young boy who, after meeting the girl of his dreams, wants to find
her by kidnapping Santa. This becomes increasingly difficult because Santa will not co-operate.

Length: 9 pages
Stockholm_Santa.pdf


I'd really love some thoughts or suggestions on this one. I've written little scenes and sketches before, but this is the first whole script I've written by myself :D

Feel free to be brutal.
 
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Ok, I'm sure it's not my advice that you want, but all input is good input, right?

:D

I really liked it and also think it's really doable, but I do have a couple of suggestions.

- I would make the kids a little younger. I'm not great on identifying how old kids are but at 10ish they seem to be getting a bit older (I just watched Sofia Coppola's Somewhere and the eleven year old in that seemed quite old). I'd make them about 6 or 7 and really precocious, I'm thinking something in the vein of Stewey Griffin. That said kids tend to be horrible actors (I just watched the new Narnia movies- eugh!) and making them younger wouldn't help on that count, but I think it would make it funnier.

- This is a more radical suggestion but I don't think that technology and Christmas movies mix too well, even ones that are trying to subvert the stereotype. Keep the radio, but instead of searching for photos online have him search in a class yearbook or calling every female name on a telephone directory. Instead of Wikipedia, an encyclopedia? And rather than having his phone ring to find out the girl is his daughter- how about having the boy frisking him and finding out that he has family photos of him and his daughter in his wallet? Then you could also have a funny shot of Santa's driving license or 'Sleigh Driving License'. This might mean you have to change your last punchline, but you could also keep it and have that kind of 'The Village' ending...?

-I don't know how it is in Chicago this time of year but I think this would work really well in a snowy setting. There's a film on at the moment (which I haven't yet seen) called Rare Exports about a little Finnish kid who finds that the real Santa is buried 500 feet underground. I'm not sure about much more of the story but the visuals look beautiful. Plus kids in hats and mittens look really cute. If that film is showing in the US I can preemptively recommend seeing.

But I liked the conceit and the execution, just a few suggestions. Not sure about the title because the Stockholm syndrome doesn't really apply here... But it's quite a funny title if a little misleading...

Just thoughts :D
 
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Ok, I finally have time to properly reply (the holidays, oy vey).

First off, thanks so much for reading it Nick! Now, to address your comments:

I'm all in favor of having the kids be younger. I sort of pulled an age out of a hat, but the 'casting' in my head would more realistically put them at 6-8. I just want to make sure they can act. I hadn't thought about Stewie, but now that you mention it, that does hit the nail on the head. When I sat down to write this, I had the thought in my head that I wanted to juxtapose little kids with adult emotions/reactions.

Interesting point about technology. I'm not sure I agree, though. I mean, White Christmas used television for Bing to invite his old army pals to the show. And while it wasn't the highlight, nor an important part of the film, in The Santa Clause, we see the son inventing new technology for Santa's sleigh. The latter case didn't work as well, because I think CDs are already becoming dated. Still though, people are going to recognize phones no matter what.... ok, I'm not sure what my point was. Stream of consciousness, I guess.

I'm definitely gonna film with snow on the ground if it's at all possible. At the very least it's gotta be cold so they're all bundled up.

Stockholm Santa started out as my working title, I thought about changing it after I realized I didn't have time in the script/didn't care to actually have Santa develop stockholm syndrome, but I haven't come up with anything as clever. So, misleading though it may be, it's staying for now. :P


Thanks again for checking it out, dude! And for the feedback, it's always welcome :D
 
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OK, that was a fun read.

Let me point out some random bits first:

- (Sorry Nick but) I think technology and Brady searching online adds to the humor, showing us how far 8 year olds have come compared to the days of our fathers.

- Brady saying ' Merry Christmas' made me grin. Could he do it standing over a collapsed Santa instead of from behind the couch?

- 'Exhibit A' had me smiling again.

- The sock in mouth was funny but wouldn't a stocking be more appropriate and add to the tongue in cheek humor?


So the beginning and middle were great. It began with a good moment, we felt a little sad when he couldn't find her. He was likeable and adorable and we felt hope when our hero's goal was established through finding Santa. Then progress and comedy ensued as he tried to get answers from a kidnapped Santa.

You said to be brutal, so i have to say, the ending collapsed a bit. There is already a lot of suspension of disbelief which works because of the comedic nature of the script but then the ending got pretty serious. Santa with a black eye? Is our hero still likeable? When i read it i was thinking, 'Awww, Brady wouldn't do thhhaaaaat.' That shows you did very well in getting me involved in Brady but i didn't believe he would go that far.

After that we have the serious converstion between Santa and his step daughter and then then daughter and Brady. I realize we need to take a downturn before we can go up again but i feel there is something missing between the middle and the end. A little step or jolt to give the script more life.

How about if the daughter doesnt come looking for Santa and she's delivering presents instead since Santa's disappeared. She comes to Brady's door. He is shocked and surprised to see her and she's delighted she's met him again. Until ofcourse she discovers he has Santa locked up. She immediately touches Santa to get him out of there. He disappears while saying something grumpy which is funny to the audience. She turns around and is mad at Brady. Brady tries to apologize and explain. She calms down a bit but has not fully forgiven Brady. She disappears after saying something to the effect of that if Brady can find her again without being naughty, maybe she'll think about letting him take her out to cookies and milk. Brady sighs and sits down and then he finds facebook and smiles.

This is just one example of how we can have some more twists and turns in the script to keep the audience entertained instead of going in one direction for too long.

So anyway, imho you nailed 2/3rds of the script and i love it. I think the last third needs to be reworked and you'll have a quaint little gem.

EDIT: I dont remember the rules for getting a free month. Does this qualify? :D
 
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Belated. I hadn't come across the thread, sorry, Dready. :)

From Nicks suggestions, and your response, It seems that i've come to similar conclusions, which isn't a problem.

Here it goes.

After reading it over a few times, and in knowing you're aim for the characters to take-on emotions far beyond their age, i could see the medium. However, i tried to determine the mannerisms/dialogue from "Brad", from an un-informed perspective of a regular viewer. It wasn't solidified, for me. But, this opened up new arcs in the character, as is mentioned "Stewie Griffin", a well-spoken devil child, who still keeps those characteristics of youth amidst his elderly antics. And this for me, heightens those moments- and makes them very comical in doing so- when he flitters between the two, cursing Peter and reverting back to his adolescence watching a cheesy kids show in the next breath.

There are moments similar in your work, that i think could be heightened, could play on this factor. One in particular is the penultimate scene, when the Girl finally discovers Santa, her step-father who she was bitter in referring to earlier on. Where we are currently, is we've been shown that she too, alike Brad, is conveying the same adult-like personas. She's cavalier in what would be a stressful situation, held a conversation in an adult fashion. So now, maybe we see the other side of the coin. Perhaps in discovering Santa, she screams at him, as a daughter would, having just arrived home with a group of friends to find her father drunk on the sofa, leaving her horribly embarrassed. Maybe Mr.Clause retaliates, and it turns into a typical Father vs Daughter shouting match, ending with Santa cursing her (Now taking Santa Claus out of character) spilling secrets about what her Mother has said about her in confidence.

"Yeah, well, y'know that time we came to see you at your school play, i had to drive all the way fricken' out to the middle of East-Jesus-nowhere? Yeah? To see you see be a tree. I mean christ! A tree, and you didn't even do that well, i could see your feet moving the whole time. Trees don't move, they have roots! They're rooted to the ground! Sure they sway, but oh no, you didn't sway..."

Something along these lines, would bridge the gap, i believe.

Anyway, it was a delightful read. Santa with a bloody lip...and you called me Scrooge!
 
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Ernest Worthing said:
All this goes to show how vastly different interpretations end up on the screen from the original script.
Click to expand...

I've taken this statement to a certain extent. As an example, having read the screenplay for "Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless mind", before seeing the film, and then trying to put my interpretation beside my knowing of Gondry, and how he would go forward with the material.

It was quite fun. Very similar to viewing an adaptation, but the already stripped-down-to-script, adaptation. Textual imagination and visual, are boats that rarely cross eachothers path. They seem to breath new life, both magnificently, and of their own accord.

I wouldn't have it any other way.
 
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I would say that my point about the technology was just a gut response when I first read the script. It stuck out at me and I thought 'All of these things could be done without computers...etc, and in a way that would be more fitting to a christmas film.'

To be honest I'm not a big fan of excessive technology on screen. Even in The Social Network they didn't show a prolonged screen shot of the site or expect people to read all the text on someone's laptop, because viewers don't really want to watch that. It's not a very striking image. But a dusty old encyclopaedia brings with it it's own mystique, as does the crackle of a radio and I think potentially him flicking through the telephone directory, calling each woman and asking 'Did you kiss me in the park today?' could be quite fun. Who knows?

Anyhow those are just my thoughts and obviously that's what you thought when you were writing it. What I'd say to EW is that I think it might be a more subtle way of showing how far 8 year olds have come by having them go through all this without technology and then having the last line as 'Ah, fuck it, I'll just check on Facebook.' Then it's making a comment about how real world pursuit of love/relationships has been marginalised. That's still just a thought and it's always funny to hear children swear (Kick Ass?)...

:cool:
 
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All points are fair imo.

It's how we each see it and what we could make come out of it that makes us think differently about what it needs.

Nick went with making a statement. Paper went with more of a modern satire. I went with a little xmas tale.
 
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Some really great suggestions, all around :) I'm thinking of incorporating some elements of said suggestions in my next rewrite.

I know the ending is weak. The first 2/3rd were written in 2-3 bursts of inspiration and the ending was more 'something that works needs to get on paper and I can make it better later, but if I don't get it finished, I might never' sort o' thing. :D

I'm gonna let it simmer a bit and hopefully get some time to punch the script up some more this weekend.

Thanks again! :D
 
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Thanks Ernest, thanks Nick!

I had fun re-reading this thread. I haven't tackled that new ending yet, but I'll think I've put enough time between me and the script to do it now. Really, really fantastic ideas here. Now what to choose... :)
 
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Almost done with the new ending/2nd draft. I'm just taking a little break now. Hopefully I'll have it done in an hour or two.

It's getting a little long but it's looking much better so far. Many many thanks to you guys, your suggestions have been very helpful! :D
 
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2nd Draft with New Ending

Ok, here it is. The second draft with the new ending. I think it takes it a couple more places with a couple more twists.

I think I like the sort of open ending it's got now. But I'm still debating whether to add a final scene between the kids at the end or not. Any thoughts on that or anything else?

And thanks for taking the time to read it :)
 

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  • StockholmSanta2nd.pdf
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Tbh, i like the first one better. The conflict between the girl and brady was more interesting than the conflict between the girl and santa.

This one has more funny moments and a very cute candle lit dinner. But it runs too long. The first one was tighter.

I would incorporate the candle lit dinner as an ending in the first draft after the conflict was resolved between the girl and brady.

It may seem like im being quite negative here but you know from our talks that i love the idea and the story and think it is too endearing for words! Both drafts are good, im only providing my own opinion as to how i think they could be even better.

The main problem that remains in my mind is still the same from the original draft: Brady's character. Other than his mission and search, there is not much character change. If he were to learn in the conflict with the girl that kidnapping is wrong or something of that sort before she forgives him, Brady would have a short character arc making the story a little deeper.

Once again, i love both the drafts!
 
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