I just finished a very rough first draft of my ever screenplay. I wanted it to be something simple, so I decided to have the entirety set in a fast food restaurant. Now that I finished I feel it definitely needs work and to be polished but as somebody new to screenplays I don't exactly know what to fix. My biggest issue when writing was finding new ways to progress and develop the characters relationship with minimal dialogue and being set in one location. I need honest feedback even if its just to tell me this entire thing is garbage and I need to start over. Any thoughts as to the way its written or to the plot are helpful. Also I don't have a title page because I've still been throwing around title ideas. Let me know what you think.
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critique "On a Whim" (4 Pages) - Screenplay - Feedback much much needed
- Thread starter Ronin437
- Start date
A silent film about a diet coke is really not my cup of tea/soda
I don't really get much about your characters besides they love each other like they love diet coke, i felt like it was slow without any character personality or stakes.
Why the focus on not having your two principal characters ever say anything? Is it a school assignment or something?
I don't really get much about your characters besides they love each other like they love diet coke, i felt like it was slow without any character personality or stakes.
Why the focus on not having your two principal characters ever say anything? Is it a school assignment or something?
The general idea in my head was to develop the characters through the plot and their relationship rather than dialogue. I wanted the characters to not have names and to just be general people to drive home the point that 10 seconds can completely change a life. I felt as though a lot of dialogue would be pointless and only reiterate what the watcher already knows. I didn't exactly achieve everything I had envisioned in my head that I wanted to do with the story, but thats the general thought process behind the low dialogue as I was writing
I understand & appreciate that you're trying to show how 10 seconds can change a life, but it reads more like a Diet Coke commercial.
If I were trying to do something like that, I'd go to the dark side of human nature. Something like this:
2 people are arguing in front of a store or restaurant with a plate glass window. The argument escalates. One person picks up a rock/brick/cement block and heaves it in the general direction of the other one. It misses them but it shatters the glass and hits someone inside. Another friend shows up seconds later and watches helplessly as sirens sound and lights flash - the police.
Flash back to right before the thrown object: the friend arrives 30 seconds earlier and diffuses the situation, with humor or logic or a combo of both. The brick goes back against the curb, and the combatants go their separate ways.
Multiple disasters averted because person #3 arrives 30 seconds sooner.
Anyway....that's just me
If I were trying to do something like that, I'd go to the dark side of human nature. Something like this:
2 people are arguing in front of a store or restaurant with a plate glass window. The argument escalates. One person picks up a rock/brick/cement block and heaves it in the general direction of the other one. It misses them but it shatters the glass and hits someone inside. Another friend shows up seconds later and watches helplessly as sirens sound and lights flash - the police.
Flash back to right before the thrown object: the friend arrives 30 seconds earlier and diffuses the situation, with humor or logic or a combo of both. The brick goes back against the curb, and the combatants go their separate ways.
Multiple disasters averted because person #3 arrives 30 seconds sooner.
Anyway....that's just me
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I'm actually going to change "Diet Coke" in the script and just specify it's her favorite soda because it being a specific soda just allows people to miss the entire point. It's not about advocating for that soda, It's about seeing how their relationship grows but they appreciate the little things. After all that time he still wanted to buy her favorite soda for her. Your supposed to understand what the people meant to each other and the soda is just supposed to be a reflection of that. This is good information though and I appreciate your response because it's let me know I've completely missed the mark on what I was going for. Do you have any ideas as to better develop the couples relationship through restaurant scenes that match the tone with the others?I understand & appreciate that you're trying to show how 10 seconds can change a life, but it reads more like a Diet Coke commercial.
If I were trying to do something like that, I'd go to the dark side of human nature. Something like this:
2 people are arguing in front of a store or restaurant with a plate glass window. The argument escalates. One person picks up a rock/brick/cement block and heaves it in the general direction of the other one. It misses them but it shatters the glass and hits someone inside. Another friend shows up seconds later and watches helplessly as sirens sound and lights flash - the police.
Flash back to right before the thrown object: the friend arrives 30 seconds earlier and diffuses the situation, with humor or logic or a combo of both. The brick goes back against the curb, and the combatants go their separate ways.
Multiple disasters averted because person #3 arrives 30 seconds sooner.
Anyway....that's just me
So I had to read through this a few times in order to understand it. If I'm correct, you're showing an old man who's lost his wife after many years of marriage.
I wouldn't say this is garbage as much as I'd say it's HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
In the beginning of the script, are these flashbacks the old man is having OR are you simply showing us their history? If you're showing us history, unfortunately, I think you'd need to tell us that with a title card but I am of the opinion, this could be done much better as a flashback of the old man.
And? If this is a flashback or you decide to rewrite it as one? I would begin with the old man coming in as your first scene... I'd also have the two employees see him walk in and whisper among themselves so we see that they know the guy but we do not know everything right up front.
I would then scratch the Diet Coke as you said you'd already do and to be honest? I'd scratch a soda too. There's just NOT enough enough visual play that can be done with a soda in my humble opinion. What about an ice cream soda? These are more reminiscent of the 50s anyway and give you more to play with i.e., he can take a spoon to steal some of her ice cream or he could even touch the ice cream and stick a little on her nose... All in the spirit of being "PLAYFUL."
Additionally, just on the face of what I've read? Is this old man suffering from dementia of some kind? It would seem so because if he shows up at this diner all time waiting for his wife to walk in why would he do that unless he's somehow forgotten that she's dead. Of course, I don't know if she's in fact dead because your script doesn't say. I have to connect the dots since she never shows up in all the times he's been waiting for her as an old man.
I think I get (kind of) what you're trying to accomplish here... It's a bit of a downer in my opinion because the woman never shows up and since we get no real backstory, I have to assume she is NEVER going to show up.
So yeah... It's actually a bit dark but I like dark but in this particular instance... While this is dark, it also doesn't seem to inspire any actual hope for the old man.
Which makes me wonder if that's the message here assuming this story does in fact contain a message i.e., that we all grow old and we lose people along the way that NEVER come back.
I for one am already LIVING THAT LIFE and am well aware that it exists... LOL. I'm 65 years old and people -- family -- friends -- and associates -- are dropping like flies each and every month. I am the last one alive in my immediate family. Do I want to watch a short that reminds me of that?
Not really.
But I wouldn't mind watching a short that gives me some inspiration to KEEP GOING, meet new people and find new inspiration to carry on because quite frankly, until science figures out a way to keep us all alive? Aren't we all going to go through some version of this even without some kind of dementia?
I know I do. I am constantly reliving fond memories with those who are gone and I don't think I'm suffering from any dementia yet...
So now to the writing... THERE IS A HELL OF A LOT OF OVERWRITING HERE. Which is fine. It's your first attempt at something like this so it makes sense. As I've mentioned elsewhere here on the forum, I highly recommend the following book if you really want a streamlined version of how to write a screenplay that doesn't break all the unwritten rules:
Screenwriting for Neurotics: A Beginner's Guide to Writing a Feature-Length Screenplay from Start to Finish
By overwriting, let me show you what I mean...
I am not going to do this for the entire script because I don't have time but you'll need to tweak and polish all the way through what you've written.
You wrote:
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT
The scene is set in the 1950's. A young woman in her early
twenties with dark hair and freckles sits in front of a
pitcher window in a booth of a small diner. She slurps her
Diet Coke and stares at the empty booths in front of her.
First you call it a fast food restaurant and then you call it a diner. BE CONSISTENT.
I'm certainly not saying to change it to the following but this is really all you need -- especially if this is going to be a short.
FLASHBACK TO INT. DINER - 50S - DAY
A young woman (20s) sits in a window booth, slurping
an ICE CREAM SODA.
There are any number of ways to format flashback scenes... This is just one way. Another could be:
FLASHBACK
INT. DINER - 50S - DAY
A young woman (20s) sits in a window booth, slurping
an ICE CREAM SODA.
You could just as easily use:
FLASHBACK TO
FLASH ON
There is no real rule here in HOW to format it... Just be consistent and be absolutely CLEAR so it doesn't slow down the reading. Again, I woudn't begin the story/script with a flashback. I'd begin with the old guy coming into the diner and then once he's sitting in his booth and got the ice cream soda? Use some kind of a trigger to trigger the flashback. Maybe he touches the ice cream with an index finger. Maybe he steals the cherry off the top.
Make sense?
I would also read up on how to write flashback scenes so it all makes sense:
How To Write Flashbacks in Screenplays (With Examples!)
HOW TO WRITE A FLASHBACK IN A SCRIPT LIKE A PRO SCREENWRITER.
How To Format A Flashback Like A Pro Screenwriter
All About Flashbacks
HOW TO WRITE A FLASHBACK IN A SCREENPLAY
As you can see from all the articles? There is no ONE WAY to write a flashback. Just be absolutely CLEAR that that is in fact what you're doing.
Good luck!
I wouldn't say this is garbage as much as I'd say it's HARD TO UNDERSTAND.
In the beginning of the script, are these flashbacks the old man is having OR are you simply showing us their history? If you're showing us history, unfortunately, I think you'd need to tell us that with a title card but I am of the opinion, this could be done much better as a flashback of the old man.
And? If this is a flashback or you decide to rewrite it as one? I would begin with the old man coming in as your first scene... I'd also have the two employees see him walk in and whisper among themselves so we see that they know the guy but we do not know everything right up front.
I would then scratch the Diet Coke as you said you'd already do and to be honest? I'd scratch a soda too. There's just NOT enough enough visual play that can be done with a soda in my humble opinion. What about an ice cream soda? These are more reminiscent of the 50s anyway and give you more to play with i.e., he can take a spoon to steal some of her ice cream or he could even touch the ice cream and stick a little on her nose... All in the spirit of being "PLAYFUL."
Additionally, just on the face of what I've read? Is this old man suffering from dementia of some kind? It would seem so because if he shows up at this diner all time waiting for his wife to walk in why would he do that unless he's somehow forgotten that she's dead. Of course, I don't know if she's in fact dead because your script doesn't say. I have to connect the dots since she never shows up in all the times he's been waiting for her as an old man.
I think I get (kind of) what you're trying to accomplish here... It's a bit of a downer in my opinion because the woman never shows up and since we get no real backstory, I have to assume she is NEVER going to show up.
So yeah... It's actually a bit dark but I like dark but in this particular instance... While this is dark, it also doesn't seem to inspire any actual hope for the old man.
Which makes me wonder if that's the message here assuming this story does in fact contain a message i.e., that we all grow old and we lose people along the way that NEVER come back.
I for one am already LIVING THAT LIFE and am well aware that it exists... LOL. I'm 65 years old and people -- family -- friends -- and associates -- are dropping like flies each and every month. I am the last one alive in my immediate family. Do I want to watch a short that reminds me of that?
Not really.
But I wouldn't mind watching a short that gives me some inspiration to KEEP GOING, meet new people and find new inspiration to carry on because quite frankly, until science figures out a way to keep us all alive? Aren't we all going to go through some version of this even without some kind of dementia?
I know I do. I am constantly reliving fond memories with those who are gone and I don't think I'm suffering from any dementia yet...
So now to the writing... THERE IS A HELL OF A LOT OF OVERWRITING HERE. Which is fine. It's your first attempt at something like this so it makes sense. As I've mentioned elsewhere here on the forum, I highly recommend the following book if you really want a streamlined version of how to write a screenplay that doesn't break all the unwritten rules:
Screenwriting for Neurotics: A Beginner's Guide to Writing a Feature-Length Screenplay from Start to Finish
By overwriting, let me show you what I mean...
I am not going to do this for the entire script because I don't have time but you'll need to tweak and polish all the way through what you've written.
You wrote:
INT. FAST FOOD RESTAURANT
The scene is set in the 1950's. A young woman in her early
twenties with dark hair and freckles sits in front of a
pitcher window in a booth of a small diner. She slurps her
Diet Coke and stares at the empty booths in front of her.
First you call it a fast food restaurant and then you call it a diner. BE CONSISTENT.
I'm certainly not saying to change it to the following but this is really all you need -- especially if this is going to be a short.
FLASHBACK TO INT. DINER - 50S - DAY
A young woman (20s) sits in a window booth, slurping
an ICE CREAM SODA.
There are any number of ways to format flashback scenes... This is just one way. Another could be:
FLASHBACK
INT. DINER - 50S - DAY
A young woman (20s) sits in a window booth, slurping
an ICE CREAM SODA.
You could just as easily use:
FLASHBACK TO
FLASH ON
There is no real rule here in HOW to format it... Just be consistent and be absolutely CLEAR so it doesn't slow down the reading. Again, I woudn't begin the story/script with a flashback. I'd begin with the old guy coming into the diner and then once he's sitting in his booth and got the ice cream soda? Use some kind of a trigger to trigger the flashback. Maybe he touches the ice cream with an index finger. Maybe he steals the cherry off the top.
Make sense?
I would also read up on how to write flashback scenes so it all makes sense:
How To Write Flashbacks in Screenplays (With Examples!)
HOW TO WRITE A FLASHBACK IN A SCRIPT LIKE A PRO SCREENWRITER.
How To Format A Flashback Like A Pro Screenwriter
All About Flashbacks
HOW TO WRITE A FLASHBACK IN A SCREENPLAY
As you can see from all the articles? There is no ONE WAY to write a flashback. Just be absolutely CLEAR that that is in fact what you're doing.
Good luck!
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I really appreciate the time you took to write all that out and I think there's alot of good notes in there. I've always had a tendency to leave endings bleak and I think alot of times it doesn't work. I played around with the idea at the end of bringing the daughter back as an adult to sit with him. As for the dementia yeah that was the goal. I actually had the idea for the ending in my mind first, and then started on the story. I absolutely love the idea about like a Sundae or Ice Cream instead of a soda. It immediately made me think of the imagery of the ice cream melting as he waits for her. I also thought the bleakness of the ending was a big counter to the happiness of the rest. You've definitely given me some things to think about. I appreciate all the time you put into reading this and writing out your thoughts on it. It's people like you that make me feel like I can do this if I keep trying