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critique Asking for Criticism
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A few quick notes:
Screenplays don't have chapters
Don't include camera directions such as "hold the shot for 30 seconds"
Do include (basic) time of day in the slug line - Morning, Night etc
When you introduce a character, their name should be in all caps the first time you mention them. Since you tell us seconds later that this is Cole Anderson, name him right away.
When that person appears in another scene, name them. In other words, don't say "the person from before".
I hope this helps as a starting point.
Screenplays don't have chapters
Don't include camera directions such as "hold the shot for 30 seconds"
Do include (basic) time of day in the slug line - Morning, Night etc
When you introduce a character, their name should be in all caps the first time you mention them. Since you tell us seconds later that this is Cole Anderson, name him right away.
When that person appears in another scene, name them. In other words, don't say "the person from before".
I hope this helps as a starting point.
Be a little more focused on establishing the mood of your scene. It's very hard to get involved in a script if there isn't extremely descriptive moods regarding descriptions of characters/locations/setting.
Example:
You have;
Scene opens with the wide-shot of a room, a bunch of junks
on the table in the cornor of the room, a chair next to the
table and a bed. Room is filled with spider webs
Hold the shot for 30 seconds
Someone's face walks into the frame, we don't see his or
her's face it's cover by Gas Mask. We follow as the person
walks out of the room.
Instead try something like this:
=================
A large, cold, damp room reveals itself. In the barren concrete corners the only residents are the local arachnid population. From the sharp shadows, a figure steps through a veil of dust wearing a heavy duty gas mask. Concentrated breath echoes off the walls, and the spiders retreat into their dens. Trailing this figure, we hastily walk up to a large cold steel door.
=================
I'm not saying this is better or worse than what you have written, this is just an example of what I see most narrative scripts feel like when I read them. They are heavily descriptive of the scene, so the producer or director can get a strong visualization in mind when reading.
It follows the show/don't tell mentality that scriptwriters are fond of.
At least, that's how I feel about it. I could be completely wrong on all fronts, as I am no professional scriptwrite, I just read a lot of them.
Example:
You have;
Scene opens with the wide-shot of a room, a bunch of junks
on the table in the cornor of the room, a chair next to the
table and a bed. Room is filled with spider webs
Hold the shot for 30 seconds
Someone's face walks into the frame, we don't see his or
her's face it's cover by Gas Mask. We follow as the person
walks out of the room.
Instead try something like this:
=================
A large, cold, damp room reveals itself. In the barren concrete corners the only residents are the local arachnid population. From the sharp shadows, a figure steps through a veil of dust wearing a heavy duty gas mask. Concentrated breath echoes off the walls, and the spiders retreat into their dens. Trailing this figure, we hastily walk up to a large cold steel door.
=================
I'm not saying this is better or worse than what you have written, this is just an example of what I see most narrative scripts feel like when I read them. They are heavily descriptive of the scene, so the producer or director can get a strong visualization in mind when reading.
It follows the show/don't tell mentality that scriptwriters are fond of.
At least, that's how I feel about it. I could be completely wrong on all fronts, as I am no professional scriptwrite, I just read a lot of them.
A little housekeeping, perhaps. I do have a pretty good laptop, but I'm usually on an ipad, and when I click the link, it wants to download the document, which goes into a file, now stored on my device (and which I sometimes can't find) and I suppose from there into the cloud or something.
I would prefer not to do this, and suggest some other kind of format, like google docs or something. Personally, I find google docs a little puzzling, with a few too many steps, and found this keep-and-share thing which is free (but probably with a limit on docs.) Maybe someone can give a brief tutorial on the best way to share documents. (And probably, for most internets-savy people, this is embarrassingly rudimentary.) But anyway.
I would prefer not to do this, and suggest some other kind of format, like google docs or something. Personally, I find google docs a little puzzling, with a few too many steps, and found this keep-and-share thing which is free (but probably with a limit on docs.) Maybe someone can give a brief tutorial on the best way to share documents. (And probably, for most internets-savy people, this is embarrassingly rudimentary.) But anyway.
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A little more housekeeping:
First, when asking someone to read something, it is important to get the formatting correct. The reason for this is just that you want it, for your first readers, (here, us, eventually an agent or producer or something) to be easy.
So, as Ms. Lessemann said, Chapter 1 doesn't belong here. And
INT COLE ANDERSON'S VAULT
should be:
INT. COLE ANDERSON'S VAULT - DAY
With the period, the dash, and the time.
Most of it, though, is pretty good. The spacing and the indents are all correct, and when a first-time script writer gets this part wrong, it is simply unreadable.
Second, there are grammatical issues. Again, you want it to be easy to read, and things like agreement issues, tense issues, and missing punctuation, stand out and distract. It's like giving a speech with your fly open--hard for your audience to pay attention.
And if this, by the way, is an issue for you, for example if English is your second language, it's not a deal-breaker--you are certainly forgiven. This stuff is easily fixed by even a semi-competent proofreader. And If not, then proofread, yourself, a few more times.
This is what I mean:
"As he continue (continues) he met (meets) with his friend [insert name] (Just make up a name; at this point it doesn't matter--his friend BUDDY.) . . . Cole doesn't really have a friend, he spend (spends) most of his time working on case (on a case, or just working) (Period.)
And I'll quit now with the grammar. I don't want to pick on you and, as I said, it's easily, down the road, fixable.
Except this: you have to end every sentence, every statement or utterance, with punctuation, usually a period but occasionally a dash, an ellipse, but always, something.
I absolutely think any effort, along these lines, would be worth it. Otherwise I wouldn't bother. I see a creative and visual mind here, I hear a story-teller. Already, I am interested and intrigued and would definitely read more. So please don't let me dissuade you. I like it.
First, when asking someone to read something, it is important to get the formatting correct. The reason for this is just that you want it, for your first readers, (here, us, eventually an agent or producer or something) to be easy.
So, as Ms. Lessemann said, Chapter 1 doesn't belong here. And
INT COLE ANDERSON'S VAULT
should be:
INT. COLE ANDERSON'S VAULT - DAY
With the period, the dash, and the time.
Most of it, though, is pretty good. The spacing and the indents are all correct, and when a first-time script writer gets this part wrong, it is simply unreadable.
Second, there are grammatical issues. Again, you want it to be easy to read, and things like agreement issues, tense issues, and missing punctuation, stand out and distract. It's like giving a speech with your fly open--hard for your audience to pay attention.
And if this, by the way, is an issue for you, for example if English is your second language, it's not a deal-breaker--you are certainly forgiven. This stuff is easily fixed by even a semi-competent proofreader. And If not, then proofread, yourself, a few more times.
This is what I mean:
"As he continue (continues) he met (meets) with his friend [insert name] (Just make up a name; at this point it doesn't matter--his friend BUDDY.) . . . Cole doesn't really have a friend, he spend (spends) most of his time working on case (on a case, or just working) (Period.)
And I'll quit now with the grammar. I don't want to pick on you and, as I said, it's easily, down the road, fixable.
Except this: you have to end every sentence, every statement or utterance, with punctuation, usually a period but occasionally a dash, an ellipse, but always, something.
I absolutely think any effort, along these lines, would be worth it. Otherwise I wouldn't bother. I see a creative and visual mind here, I hear a story-teller. Already, I am interested and intrigued and would definitely read more. So please don't let me dissuade you. I like it.
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Yeah, English is my second language but I think the main culprit was I rushed it, I wrote everything in like an hour. Thank you so much for the Feedback, I really appreciate it
Yup, lol. As a life-time English Major, I proofread everything--down to a note on the refrigerator door--and then edit for clarity and style. Some people may find that this stifles spontaneity, but I think It's a good habit to get into, to to re-read everything from your reader's point of view.
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