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Old 12-17-2017, 04:41 PM   #1
jrsmithson
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Crypto Shadow - Short Script

Hello writers,
it's been an eternity since I last posted a script on this site. I've been studying "Story" by McKee and tried to apply some of his ideas. Any criticism would be appreciated. I hope it's a fun read.

It is 6 pages, approx. 3 minute read (2 short scenes)

http://docdro.id/DVUj5V3
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Old 12-17-2017, 08:13 PM   #2
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This was a good read for something so short. But why in your screenplay do you explain what the camera does? Leave that for the creativity of the director and cinematographer.

"Pumps the car horn 5 times." Why not say, "Honks the car's horn 5 times."

Any special reason why Glock is used as a common noun in terms of the first letter being capitalize.

I think it's just minor errors with how you place your adverbs and capitalization. I don't see the sense is Caps Lock character names and objects but I see a lot of writers doing it.
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Old 12-17-2017, 09:05 PM   #3
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Thanks for the comments Quality.

Good catches, I’ll look into your edits.

I know it’s bad form to give cinematography commands, but as I will be directing my own scripts it’s just an easy way to remember my thought process. Maybe storyboarding would be a better forum for the visual stuff.
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Old 12-18-2017, 06:30 AM   #4
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Nothing is wrong with putting jottings on how you want the direction to go but not in the script. It turns off the reader. They expect to be reading a story. It is no different than watching a movie and the boom pole gets in the shot. Or you accidentally see the camera in a reflection. Do it on a separate document as a reminder.
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Old 12-18-2017, 06:01 PM   #5
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Sometimes here my comment is "cut the first scene" or "cut the first half". This time I'd want the first dialogue to vanish.
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Old 12-18-2017, 08:11 PM   #6
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Hi Filman, thanks for the tip. What is the reason you would want the first bit of dialogue cut?
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Old 12-19-2017, 05:53 AM   #7
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Intimidation.
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