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Old 02-01-2017, 05:57 PM   #1
mikemintzdj
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Make my short screenplay better

I suck at writing screenplays. This is an effort to speed up the process and collaborate at the same time. I'm offering $100 to whoever can fix this screenplay and make it better. Here is how it will work. You take my screenplay and improve upon two pages (any two pages). You send me those two pages and if I like yours the best. I pay you and you give me the rest. You will share credit with me as a screenwriter.

I'm not familiar with the business, so if this is an offensively low offer, I didn't intend it that way. If I don't buy your version, you get to keep all the rights to the thing you wrote, I'm not trying to screw people over here. Your stuff is your stuff.

If you want a written and signed contract, by all means I can make that happen.

In case you are curious if you will even be interested in the story, it is a typical detective type procedural with a Hannibal Lecter personality type assisting the main character.




https://www.dropbox.com/s/wljakj93zw...Draft.pdf?dl=0
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Old 02-01-2017, 07:26 PM   #2
directorik
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It is not an offensively low offer. If it's what you can afford, the
offer can be accepted or not. I will say that it's an unusual one.
I accept, do the work and then only get paid IF you like it. Now
I am NOT suggesting that you will intentionally rip someone off
I know you will not. But it's so subjective. You have to like
what I do before I get paid.

I read what you wrote. It's not that bad. I see where you're going
with it. This is a perfect example why your offer is a difficult one;
if I were to rewrite this my changes may not be what your overall
intent is. I may destroy YOUR story in favor of mine. So I don't
get paid but now I own the rights to a piece I can't do anything
with. Give this to five writers and you're likely to get five very
different versions.

My long winded way of saying I'm not interested in the offer. But
it is not offensively low. I could do a rewrite on this in a couple of
hours - $50hr isn't offensively low.
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Old 02-01-2017, 08:24 PM   #3
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikemintzdj View Post
I suck at writing screenplays. This is an effort to speed up the process and collaborate at the same time. I'm offering $100 to whoever can fix this screenplay and make it better. Here is how it will work. You take my screenplay and improve upon two pages (any two pages). You send me those two pages and if I like yours the best. I pay you and you give me the rest. You will share credit with me as a screenwriter.

I'm not familiar with the business, so if this is an offensively low offer, I didn't intend it that way. If I don't buy your version, you get to keep all the rights to the thing you wrote, I'm not trying to screw people over here. Your stuff is your stuff.

If you want a written and signed contract, by all means I can make that happen.

In case you are curious if you will even be interested in the story, it is a typical detective type procedural with a Hannibal Lecter personality type assisting the main character.




https://www.dropbox.com/s/wljakj93zw...Draft.pdf?dl=0
I'll try to have a go at that, as I have a bit of time on my hands and need a challenge to get me writing again. Is there a deadline?

One obvious problem from reading a few pages is that there are a lot of procedural and factual claims that need to be correct - how much research have you put into what you have so far?
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Old 02-01-2017, 08:44 PM   #4
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This reminds me of those logo sites where you describe what you want, and artists come up with proofs on concept, and you choose one, they finish it, and get paid.

It's a neat concept for screenplays.
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Old 02-01-2017, 09:03 PM   #5
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I spent a little bit of time as Military Police. This is similar to a case that I was involved in, with quite a bit of dramatic license. In real life, there was no question about the outcome. However, the specifics don't need to be accurate, just believable to the viewer.

Case in point, I watched the first episode of Black Mirror, whose entire plot ignores the concept of not negotiating with terrorists
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Old 02-02-2017, 11:18 AM   #6
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Quote:
I am NOT suggesting that you will intentionally rip someone off
– I know you will not. But it's so subjective. You have to like
what I do before I get paid.
I understand this, and I also know that this is not the usual way of doing business. If I knew someone that I could depend on to give me a good rewrite and that the script was right in their wheelhouse, I would just pay them the money. Indietalk is the great unknown, if I just pay someone here to rewrite my script and it turns out to be garbage. Now who got ripped off?

Last edited by mikemintzdj; 02-02-2017 at 11:38 AM.
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Old 02-02-2017, 12:37 PM   #7
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikemintzdj View Post
I spent a little bit of time as Military Police. This is similar to a case that I was involved in, with quite a bit of dramatic license. In real life, there was no question about the outcome. However, the specifics don't need to be accurate, just believable to the viewer.

Case in point, I watched the first episode of Black Mirror, whose entire plot ignores the concept of not negotiating with terrorists
You don't appreciate how much we love our Royals

I agree though that as long as the details are plausible to the average viewer, that's OK, and the basis in true events is reassuring (a lot of scripts of this kind seem to be based solely on what the writer has seen in other movies, which are never the best source of accurate information).
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Old 02-02-2017, 12:52 PM   #8
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Quote:
Originally Posted by mikemintzdj View Post
if I just pay someone here to rewrite my script and it turns out to be garbage. Now who got ripped off?
If you pay someone here to rewrite your script and it's very
good but not to your liking...

All you need to say is, "This isn't exactly what I was thinking
I wanted." and you don't need to pay for the work done.

However, it looks like you have people interested. This may
be a great opportunity for a writer.
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Old 02-03-2017, 05:04 PM   #9
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It is amazing how after about a week I can come back to a screenplay and just cringe over so much of what I wrote. If the above link was my rough draft. Here is my first draft. I added a little more personality to the partner and took out some really unnecessary dialogue. Anyways. I don't have a deadline on this if someone is interested in taking a shot at it. I imagine I will come back to it in a week and tweak it even farther.

Anyways here is the latest
https://www.dropbox.com/s/p049z1as5b...Draft.pdf?dl=0
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Old 03-02-2017, 05:45 PM   #10
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https://www.dropbox.com/s/ohc3kmn30x...t%20I.pdf?dl=0

This is my latest draft. I'm actually going to be filming tonight but for a different much shorter project. Anyways, I always love feedback and I just wanted to say thanks to everyone that has been helpful to me on this site. My offer still stands.
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Old 03-02-2017, 06:21 PM   #11
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I'm on it!

This screenplay is VERY dialog heavy. That'd be my #1 criticism of it, just for future reference. I haven't read it, I just gave it the black/white test, and it's basically all white.

Lucky for you, dialog is my specialty as a screenwriter!

I've just cracked my first brew, so I won't be tackling it today, but you should expect to hear from me in the next day or two. I'm really in need of money right now.
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Old 03-02-2017, 07:04 PM   #12
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This is great! Glad you two can work together. I hope Mike
likes the work and CF gets paid.
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Old 03-02-2017, 07:05 PM   #13
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Quote:
Originally Posted by directorik View Post
This is great! Glad you two can work together. I hope Mike
likes the work and CF gets paid.
Ditto! Thanks.
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Old 03-03-2017, 07:46 PM   #14
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Is this script part of a series? And if so, are there series notes that potential rewriters should know?
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Old 03-04-2017, 01:16 AM   #15
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Great question. Yes it is a 3 part series. Jake Duncan lives in the near future where brain implants are a reality. The government decided that certain gifted people, who have some drawbacks, like being psychopathic murderers, are still useful. So they brainjack them. They cut off the bad part. But in Jakes case his psychopathic side is the reason he is so good at solving murders. So he is allowed contact with that part of his brain through Virtual Reality. Jake doesn't know that he has been brainjacked, nor that Carter is actually just a part of his personality.
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